two weeke tommrow

so Allan dropped by unexpectedly Thursday night.... heres the thing, i'm terrified of spiders. i dont know why, i just am. gimme bees, wasps, ants, worms, snakes. rabid dogs with rabies, raccoons, bears, bats, lions i dont care the only thing i and terrified of is spiders. and i know they mean me no harm, i mean sure barn spiders are aggressive but their bites arent killer, only makes u swell up and thats only if u r allergic.... i cant explain it...i'm terrified of them
anyways, i had posted on facebook i had this huge ass spider on my balcony and i was too afraid to get rid of it.... didnt want to kill it, just wanted to get it off my balcony.
the first time i tried it landed on me.
the next time i got rid of its web.
and the third time after that i got it to go on the other side of the balcony to my next neighbour's balcony who is a lil ol' lady.
i didnt think she'd appreciate that spider either...
anyways the whole while i am posting my spider woes on facebook...
all a sudden i get a buzz, its allan, come to get rid of spidy.
O-M-G

we had told each other we'd still be friends. we had promised each other since the beginning "friendship first"
but when i finally said those words on Sunday July 26Th at about midnight..... i hadnt spoke to him since....
now the night b4 this all happened (the spider i mean) on Wednesday night i did leave a comment on the chat box of our favourite facebook game - paradimgn. to which he replied. and on Thursday morning i sent him a bulk email of a comic strip i knew he'd like, but i sent it to many others too....
so still no direct contact... then Thursday while i am putting my spider woes on facebook, i managed to comment on his status on facebook....jus ta cpl comments....that was my first time trying to talk to him ina week and 1/2
eleven days no contact
in the 2 yrs we've been together... thats the longest we've ever gone with no contact
anyways... he shows up.... and i let him in... and i see him and i am suddenly so happy.
and for an instant....
i forget.
he rounds thew corner of my kitchen
i see him and in that instant i am forgetting we are no longer a couple.
i am thinking i shld go over and give him his welcome kiss and hug i always give him.
he has commented before that he loves getting kissed by me. that when i kiss him with that welcome kiss it is as passionate as if i hadnt seen in in a very long time, whether It be a day, and hour, or a week. its always passionately.
then it hits me.
we arent together.
so he asks to see this spider.
goes out with the broom and my spiderban spray. i tell him i dont want to kill it (actually i use the spider ban to spray them away, stuff makes em run away, if u spray them directly it kills them. spray their web and areas they just go find another more welcoming spot...) anyways....
he goes over till kill spidy.
and i am caught between feelings of happiness i see him again..and sadness... cus i see him again...
he kills spidy and just b4 i go i show him the good news that my neck is feeling better....moving it all round saying "see, much better. very lil pain now"
and he gives me a hug
and int hat moment. his arms a round me... he's tightly embracing me....i cling to him and i start to shake a lil bit...

i push hum away, the hug lasts about 30 seconds, maybe 45....
i push him away immediately turn towards the opposite direction so he doesnt see my tears and i blurt out "anyways, u said u cld only stay a bit, u shld get going..."
and i dont watch him leave....
cus i'm crying...'silently letting the tears fall.. and when i am sure he cant hear anymore...
i start wailing again....
i cant stop the tears....
see that hug, that one embrace hurt me more then i ever thought it could. because i suddenly realised...this was it. this hug was all i was ever going to have with allan. ever. period. no more. ever. period. friendship. period. no more love with him. period.no more. period. we were thru as lovers. period. just friends. period. never again. period.
and it hurt so bad i felt it like a deep tearing... it was a pain i never wanted to feel.
but it was there....
and i cldnt help but cry, sob, wail... all over again.... the pain of the separation made all the more real...with just that hug... no more with him.. ever. period
once i gain enuff control to be able to speak i call emily up...
i explain to her he dropped by without warning and i was caught off guard. i wasnt ready to see him yet... and i am crying and i cant stop...
she tried to be there for me but she and kids were heading to the lake (and allan was to meet them there)


so i hung up...talked maybe 5 minutes.. and cried some more
i call allan. leave him a voicemail as he doest answer as he is prob still on his motorcycle on his way home...and in between sobs i ask him to call next time he comes over...that i need to brace myself emotionally b4 seeing him. i was thankful for the spider, more then he knew. and i wasnt being mean, i just needed him to call b4 he came over so i cld brace myself as i wasnt ready to see him" i hang up barely being able to speak, sobbing again.
he calls me back almost immediately... and i cant hid the tears.... and he says it wasnt his intention to hurt me he just wanted to help his friend...i told him i needed time. i just need him to call b4, so i can brace myself... then i cut the conversation short, saying i had to go, and said bye....
ans began sobbing, crying, and and wailing all over again...
later that night, i talk to emily online.... she explains that Allan was prepared for when i left him....she says that he thinks i am pushing his friendship away. i try to say i'm not.. all awhile thinking i am....
pain....


and then allan comes online.
and we talk.. first time in eleven days...we talk. he tells me it hurts him that seeing him makes me hurt.. tells me he thought about dropping by the day b4. he drove by my place. but he couldnt stop inside. he said it hurt too much. he says when he came in, when he rounded that corner of my kitchen all he cld think was "lets make this as quick and painless as possible"
i admitted i forgot for a moment that we werent together....
we talked longer.... him telling me to stop beating myself up . that this wasnt my fault. him telling me he almost wishes he had done something wrong, that then it would make things easier on us both... cus i admitted to him that when there is a wrong done i forgive that person and i let the love die and that isnt so easy when i leave because what i want and need isnt going to be met in the relationship...
i am crying the whole time we talk online.... i cant hardly see the keyboard as i typed...
at one point he asked me if i was still sure. meaning the break-up. i asked him not to ask me that again.
cus truth be told. i am not sure. i regret. i still want to be with him. cus even the little bit i had with him feels better then nothing.... being a part time girlfriend was better then being a full time friend anyway...
but i dont tell him this. i just ask him not to ask me that again...

we end the conversation when he says he has to work at 8am....and its 1am.
i admit i feel weird just ending it... cu i am used to typing sumthing... instead i type "take care" and "chow"
all the while wanting to type " i love you" and "i miss you"
and just b4 i leave i ask him to make me promise....i ask him not to do with me what he did with angel (one of his other poly relationships from few yrs ago) i ask him that when he dates again, not to hide her from me. to tell me.
he promises, saying thats all he can do.
then i say "take care" and 'chow" and i wait for him to sign off....
he doesnt .....
i wait... he doesnt....
i have to sign off...

whoever said "tis better to have love and lost, then to not have loved at all" was full of shit and obviously on sum good fucking shit.... cus i regret falling in love, because i feel this loss...

one of my friends says that i have a big heart. that it is only because i love so much i feel such pain.
perhaps they are right....
i dont know if i like having such big heart to Love so much..... if it means i feel this kind of hurt and