cuddles and wtf's

so, last weekend, had my usual sunday night gaming session with friends.
allan picked me up
as usual
we chit chat, im doing my best to act casual and "friendly" all the while dreading the end of the night.
when we get to paul's place, i stikc close to the gitls. pauls got a new girlfriend, Elizabeth, she is a real doll. british, more specifically english.
anyways normally id be right there on the sofa, sittign beside allan...as close as possible without being obvious....
that night i stay close to the girls...elizabeth, lynn, and bev.
end of the night comes.... allan drive me home...
i break down into tears on the way home....
explain to him this would be the first sunday we gamed since we broke up... and explain that every sunday we would go upstairs after game....and have time alone together...
we get to talking... and i ask allan upstairs to talk
"sure, i didnt want to invite myself in..." he says
we talk.... i cry... i cant stop crying.... he says to me that i am still blaming myself. asks me to sop doing that, cus that hurts him. he says, its not my fault and to stop thinking that is it my fault. he says i'm second guessing my decisions, and i cant do that.....
but i still cant stop crying.... and i am cryign so much i am actually hurting....
finally... i look at him and ask to sit beside him on the sofa.
i had purposefully sat ina chair so i wld be alone
then i still cant stop crying and i ask if i can please cuddle ....saying just before i lay in his arm "friendship, right"
and i stop crying......
i relax...
and we talk sum more....
then allan asks "it is up to you, but did you want to lay down together in bed?"
i agree.....
and i make sure i keep my clothes on (first time for everything i guess, clothes on in bed that is... normally its lingerie, or pjs, or nude)
and i doze off in his arms..... his embrace calming me... i can hear him breathing deeply.....hes not sleeping, but hes there, dozing too....
and then 3am hits... and he get up to leave.... and i am sumwhat awake... and i just lay still.... normally he gets up and i roll over straight to where he was and hug his pillow... he says its cute.... i dont do that... i dont watch him leave, i listen for that door to close and lock.... i listen for his car to pull away... then and only then do i undress, and roll over to his side of the bed, hug his pillow... and cry myself to sleep....

i had to have sent him mixed messages.....
and for that i am sorry....

so i sent him an email (it was how i always communicated initially, limited contact being what it was) and told him i was sorry. and i would not cross that boundary again... friends....
no more cuddling....

i still am not over him.....
i still love him....
i see him i want to love him., hold him, be with him. stay with him, have a life with him, be his strength, be his confidant, be his love, be his friend, be his and his alone.....

instead, i am alone.

wtf was i thinking on sunday night?
i kni forgot that he is breaking up wiht me too...i forgot he is in pain too.... and i was selfish, and wanted to stop crying and the only wasy i could think ws in his arms... cus he has always been calming effect on me....
never again.....
i'm sorry allan for sending mixed signals.... least we didnt have sex..... i'd nvr do that to you.....