Today was just one of those days.... last night i picked up more of my stuff. and now my room is pretty well on its way to being finished. Things are starting to come together, but it doesn't make things any easier. and today was just another one of those days. Maybe i was just tired, maybe i was on a pity parade, maybe i was a little heart broken... or maybe all three. but today was blah! quite the contrast compared to the other night. I had fun! I actually felt like my old self. I went out with my friend Allen till like 2am... we walked and talked and well, it was fun! Oh my god, the scenery was beautiful. a full moon lit up the sky. we found this meadow and the mist was just hanging slightly over the ground and it looked like silver! it was so peaceful, i wished his wife Emily was there too so she could see it too and experience th shear beauty of it all! i was so relaxed! it was like as long as i stayed right there, in that field, under that moon, with those stars, i could forget and just relax. i wouldn't have cared if i was all alone, because i was just that happy with me and with life and with well... everything. the only thing i woulda changed, i woulda worn rubber boots...stupid muddy meadow! but it was so nice to feel the old me coming back... she was gone the next morning when i woke up but at least i know she's in there someplace! just hiding i guess!
I still think about my ex husband a lot but now its not about hurt and anger, more like satisfaction i did all i could've done. that feeling of shame and guilt thankfully is starting to go away. I don't know where it came from, or how its is starting to go away and i am glad it is!
I really don't think i will ever be ready to have another relationship again.... nor marriage. just friendships. I couldn't give away my heart again.... to much pain. I am not so scared of being alone now. I realized that too the other night while walking. I know that i may eventually change but for now.... i think i am happiest alone. nobody can hurt you if they arent there right? I know that sounds stupid... and maybe i am just trying to convince myself hat alone is better or maybe i really mean it, i am not sure. right now my moods, my feelings, my life it's all mixed up.... its interesting to say the least. and will not be easy to find myself..... but i'll keep trying. at least i have taken the most important step to finding me and my happiness.... i dropped my ex husband and fianlyy saw him for what he was.... he was not for me. hopefully he'll find somebody to love him..... i will alwasy care for him like i do allmy ex relationships.... i just have no feelings of love lke i used too... too many times hurt and too many stupid lies and mean comments etc....
TURMOIL INSIDE: ME
sometimes i feel like i am falling
so far down,
i'll never get up again.
the dark, its comforting.
like an old friend it seeps in, fills me up
keeps me warm
other times i feel like i am soaring
far awaay and so high
everything fades away.
nothing and no one bothers me
i am free.
and still there are times when feel
like nothing.
there is no me, no him, no life,
just plain nothing...
its over now.
but i know its not....
and i go on.
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Thursday, August 30, 2007
todays theme songs
goodbye. see ya later. i learned my lesson.....
MADONNA: GOODBYE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4pu4Pyq3G4A
LYRICS:
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
(chorus, substituting "no more places" for "no place left")
(chorus2)
well, w/ my ex husband there'll always be that question mar why? but hey maybe all our time was meant for was for "crying days".....
SCORPION: CRYING DAYS
LYRICS:
MADONNA: GOODBYE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4pu4Pyq3G4A
LYRICS:
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
(chorus, substituting "no more places" for "no place left")
(chorus2)
well, w/ my ex husband there'll always be that question mar why? but hey maybe all our time was meant for was for "crying days".....
SCORPION: CRYING DAYS
LYRICS:
Force yourself to use your brain,
The only way to gain,
A lot of things are just a lie.
This world we love comes down in pain
With hate and bloody games
A question-mark up in the sky.
Look, you can’t keep away
And you can’t hide
Tomorrow, yesterday, today ...
Some people say, we’ll do it better
Some people say, everything’s good
Some people sing, let’s come together
But nobody has ever brought it through
Maybe you and me ...Crying Days
WELL, HERE I GO AGAIN, ON MY OWN. THIS TIME HE WON'T BE ALLOWED BACK!
WHITESNAKE: HERE I GO
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs
LYRICS:
I don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again.
Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams. Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Just another heart in need of rescue
waiting on love's sweet charity
an' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go,
here I go again
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
todays theme songs
well these ones speak of my hope not in any man but in Jesus..... This also speaks of my sadness and the knowledge that as bad as it gets, God is there.
HOLY BLOOD: SPRING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs5XWPxHMJQ
LYRICS:
The cold of ice has melted, springtime has come
Melted heart, full of fire
Lai-la-la-la, the spring has came!
The warmth flows down from heaven, straight into everyone's heart
Springtime will come for those, who search Him
You are the warmth, You are the springtime of the whole land
When the winter disappears, there You are
Holy Lord, You are love
You are The Spring of my life
My love, my life
You are The Springtime, E-he-hey!
The land is full
Of tears of despair
And full of disillusionment
As the sharp winter
The land strives in search
Of celestial warmth
For God’s springtime
To come for frozen souls
The Spring, hey!!!
The Spring, hey!!!
BARREN CROSS: THE EYE OF THE FIRE
VIDEO: NONE AVAIL. NO AUDIO EITHER......
LYRICS:
You are the beauty of life; carry that thought in your mind
Don't ever think you 're losing the game
Let all your feelings come out
Scream them out loud you can shout
Don't hold it in, call on his name
(Bridge)
Beware of the lie that it's happy to die, no, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
In the eye of the fire
In the eye of the fire
Do you feel weak inside?
Sometimes you wish you could die
Feels like no hope is ever to be
You have been hurting too long
Why not let god make you strong,
He'll lead you to joy, find him and see
Dying isn’t the key
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
You are the seed of life
Give up your pain and your strive
You 're better than who you think you are - by far
There is no easy way out
Of the problems you're facing, no doubt
But one thing I know
You don't have to go
Over the edge
There 's a lot you don't know
Jesus knows
Don't make his dream, the satanic scheme, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
HOLY BLOOD: SPRING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs5XWPxHMJQ
LYRICS:
The Spring
The light amongst the ice, the winter has endedThe cold of ice has melted, springtime has come
Melted heart, full of fire
Lai-la-la-la, the spring has came!
The warmth flows down from heaven, straight into everyone's heart
Springtime will come for those, who search Him
You are the warmth, You are the springtime of the whole land
When the winter disappears, there You are
Holy Lord, You are love
You are The Spring of my life
My love, my life
You are The Springtime, E-he-hey!
The land is full
Of tears of despair
And full of disillusionment
As the sharp winter
The land strives in search
Of celestial warmth
For God’s springtime
To come for frozen souls
The Spring, hey!!!
The Spring, hey!!!
BARREN CROSS: THE EYE OF THE FIRE
VIDEO: NONE AVAIL. NO AUDIO EITHER......
LYRICS:
You are the beauty of life; carry that thought in your mind
Don't ever think you 're losing the game
Let all your feelings come out
Scream them out loud you can shout
Don't hold it in, call on his name
(Bridge)
Beware of the lie that it's happy to die, no, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
In the eye of the fire
In the eye of the fire
Do you feel weak inside?
Sometimes you wish you could die
Feels like no hope is ever to be
You have been hurting too long
Why not let god make you strong,
He'll lead you to joy, find him and see
Dying isn’t the key
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
You are the seed of life
Give up your pain and your strive
You 're better than who you think you are - by far
There is no easy way out
Of the problems you're facing, no doubt
But one thing I know
You don't have to go
Over the edge
There 's a lot you don't know
Jesus knows
Don't make his dream, the satanic scheme, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
Monday, August 20, 2007
life looks a little better....
It's hard to explain really, how i feel. it's like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can honestly say i feel happy... for the first time i feel happy. with me, with life, with everything.... except one. Can't shake that feeling of failure. I guess i am just that stupid sumtimes, no matter how hard sumething gets i just don't want to call it quits. I have no idea where it comes from, and to tell you the truth it is damn annoying! and painful too.... still......
I know i did the right thing.
inside i had become numb. i was fading, and fast, slowly i was disappearing. i wanted to disappear, to be nothing. to be alone. because i felt that nobody wanted me. i wasn't worth wanting. and then a little whisper in my mind would start....
"theres got to be more......" AND "don't do it"
I can honestly say that one main reason i didn't do something stupid was because of my faith. I loved God too much and trusted God too much to take my life. It was foolish to think and thank God I had some sense in me. theres a movie called Escaflowne, its an anime. the main character, the girl well.. i saw a lot of myself in her..... she too was contemplating suicide but stopped short (thankfully) then was given a choice to save or destroy the world.... only difference between her and i is i chose to destroy mine.
I still have a hard time believing what I've done. it just seems so surreal. leaving my husband was the best and worst thing i've ever done in my life. It just feels so selfish. and i know it's not (come on what so selfish about wanting happiness and wanting to leave a toxic relationship...) but try telling my heart that. it just see His tears, his pain, and i want to make it all better, i want to make it all go away. but i can't. pity is not grounds for a marriage. there was too much he promised and broke, there was too much pain and not enuff healing...
his addictions are his life, his love. he felt it was fine. he didn't need to be fixed.... he felt he was fine. he lied to me to try and keep me... and our marriage, yes it could've been so much more. but i just got so tired of giving and not getting, i got so tired of being the one trying to keep picking up Humpty Dumpty's pieces... i was tired of being alone in a marriage made for two but being kept afloat by one.
I was so alone.
These days i wish Mae was here. I wish i could talk to her. She would know just what to say. i mean i have other friends, but they're not my Mae. And as long as she was around I wa snot alone. I had her.... when she died i realised how alone i had become. She told me to be careful b4 i Took my husband back, to watch for change..... and i didnt. I just took him back..... If she were here i know she'd have that finger pointed and would be biting her tongue waitinf to say "you shoulda listed to me" but in her gentle way, nevere saying such amean thing.
I love my husband, I hate what he does..... i have to stay strong. To break free.. there is more....
I can't go back. as much as i hate change , as much as i want to just accept what is wrong instead of accepting what is right i have to push those feeling away. I need to understand that what we had was not a marriage. it was lies. I have to try and change my life for me to be happy. It was time to say goodbye a long time ago......i just only had the strength to do it recently is all.
I am happier now, i feel better then i have ina while. I look in the mirror and i smile. I am singing again. I want to write, to draw again... i feel the old me coming back. this is a good sign that this was something that was a good idea!Leaving my husband was the best thing i have ever done for me. and altho i feel a little guilty, and like sumwhat if a failure (nobody gets married to divorce) i know these feelings will eventually be replaced by love for myself, for life, and and understanding that i did all i could do....
it's all good. I can do this. i can break free. I can stay away this time. I am embracing the change instead of retreating into the old and familiar..... I have no second thoughts. I know i am doing what is right, it is just so hard to change is all. no matter how bad thongs were at least i was familiar with it... this is all so unknown and therefor so hard.
I know i did the right thing.
inside i had become numb. i was fading, and fast, slowly i was disappearing. i wanted to disappear, to be nothing. to be alone. because i felt that nobody wanted me. i wasn't worth wanting. and then a little whisper in my mind would start....
"theres got to be more......" AND "don't do it"
I can honestly say that one main reason i didn't do something stupid was because of my faith. I loved God too much and trusted God too much to take my life. It was foolish to think and thank God I had some sense in me. theres a movie called Escaflowne, its an anime. the main character, the girl well.. i saw a lot of myself in her..... she too was contemplating suicide but stopped short (thankfully) then was given a choice to save or destroy the world.... only difference between her and i is i chose to destroy mine.
I still have a hard time believing what I've done. it just seems so surreal. leaving my husband was the best and worst thing i've ever done in my life. It just feels so selfish. and i know it's not (come on what so selfish about wanting happiness and wanting to leave a toxic relationship...) but try telling my heart that. it just see His tears, his pain, and i want to make it all better, i want to make it all go away. but i can't. pity is not grounds for a marriage. there was too much he promised and broke, there was too much pain and not enuff healing...
his addictions are his life, his love. he felt it was fine. he didn't need to be fixed.... he felt he was fine. he lied to me to try and keep me... and our marriage, yes it could've been so much more. but i just got so tired of giving and not getting, i got so tired of being the one trying to keep picking up Humpty Dumpty's pieces... i was tired of being alone in a marriage made for two but being kept afloat by one.
I was so alone.
These days i wish Mae was here. I wish i could talk to her. She would know just what to say. i mean i have other friends, but they're not my Mae. And as long as she was around I wa snot alone. I had her.... when she died i realised how alone i had become. She told me to be careful b4 i Took my husband back, to watch for change..... and i didnt. I just took him back..... If she were here i know she'd have that finger pointed and would be biting her tongue waitinf to say "you shoulda listed to me" but in her gentle way, nevere saying such amean thing.
I love my husband, I hate what he does..... i have to stay strong. To break free.. there is more....
I can't go back. as much as i hate change , as much as i want to just accept what is wrong instead of accepting what is right i have to push those feeling away. I need to understand that what we had was not a marriage. it was lies. I have to try and change my life for me to be happy. It was time to say goodbye a long time ago......i just only had the strength to do it recently is all.
I am happier now, i feel better then i have ina while. I look in the mirror and i smile. I am singing again. I want to write, to draw again... i feel the old me coming back. this is a good sign that this was something that was a good idea!Leaving my husband was the best thing i have ever done for me. and altho i feel a little guilty, and like sumwhat if a failure (nobody gets married to divorce) i know these feelings will eventually be replaced by love for myself, for life, and and understanding that i did all i could do....
it's all good. I can do this. i can break free. I can stay away this time. I am embracing the change instead of retreating into the old and familiar..... I have no second thoughts. I know i am doing what is right, it is just so hard to change is all. no matter how bad thongs were at least i was familiar with it... this is all so unknown and therefor so hard.
THEME SONGS FOR TODAY....
heres a few songs,
EVANESCENCE: BRING ME TO LIFE
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcocQ6j7voQ
LYRICS:
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
well, i may not be famous, or have a son, or (thank god) been on too many one night stands (ok, well any one night stands that resulted in full blown sex ) but still, th jist of this song is well.... you'll see when you read it....
KID ROCK: ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zykTpmCIekU&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
I've been sittin' here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself
looking for the payback
listen for the playback
they say that every man
bleeds just like me
and i feel like number one
but yet i'm last in line
i watch my younger son
and it helps to pass the time
i take to many pills
it helps to ease the pain
i made a couple dollar bills
but still i feel the same
everybody knows my name
they say it way out loud
a lot of folks fuck with me
it's hard to hang out in crowds
i guess that's the price you pay
to be some big shot like i am
out skirt stands and one night stands
still i can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things
i say and do they don't understand
about the shit that i've
been through, it's been so long
since i've been home i've been gone,
i've been gone for way too long
maybe i forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life
than this, I said it too many times
and i still stand firm you get what
you put in and people get what they
deserve, still i ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep walking
with my head held high
i'll keep moving on and only God
knows why
Only God... only God
Only God knows why
Only God... knows ... why, why, why only
God knows why
Take me to the river hey
Take me to the river
Evanescence Lyrics - Everybodys Fool
My husband had me fooled, and i know him now. this song is about a girl but change she to he and you got my husband. But i was the one wearing the mask, hiding in his lies... and i know the truth now. and i don't love him anymore....
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oiH_MT7BGk
lyrics:
Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world
That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled.
Look here he comes now -
Bow down and stare in wonder.
Oh, how we love you
No flaws when you're
But now I know he -
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.
Without the mask
Where will you hide?
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your lies
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.
Never was and never will be
Not for real that you can save me
And somehow now you're everybody's fool.
EVANESCENCE: BRING ME TO LIFE
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcocQ6j7voQ
LYRICS:
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
well, i may not be famous, or have a son, or (thank god) been on too many one night stands (ok, well any one night stands that resulted in full blown sex ) but still, th jist of this song is well.... you'll see when you read it....
KID ROCK: ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zykTpmCIekU&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
I've been sittin' here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself
looking for the payback
listen for the playback
they say that every man
bleeds just like me
and i feel like number one
but yet i'm last in line
i watch my younger son
and it helps to pass the time
i take to many pills
it helps to ease the pain
i made a couple dollar bills
but still i feel the same
everybody knows my name
they say it way out loud
a lot of folks fuck with me
it's hard to hang out in crowds
i guess that's the price you pay
to be some big shot like i am
out skirt stands and one night stands
still i can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things
i say and do they don't understand
about the shit that i've
been through, it's been so long
since i've been home i've been gone,
i've been gone for way too long
maybe i forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life
than this, I said it too many times
and i still stand firm you get what
you put in and people get what they
deserve, still i ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep walking
with my head held high
i'll keep moving on and only God
knows why
Only God... only God
Only God knows why
Only God... knows ... why, why, why only
God knows why
Take me to the river hey
Take me to the river
Evanescence Lyrics - Everybodys Fool
My husband had me fooled, and i know him now. this song is about a girl but change she to he and you got my husband. But i was the one wearing the mask, hiding in his lies... and i know the truth now. and i don't love him anymore....
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oiH_MT7BGk
lyrics:
Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world
That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled.
Look here he comes now -
Bow down and stare in wonder.
Oh, how we love you
No flaws when you're
But now I know he -
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.
Without the mask
Where will you hide?
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your lies
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.
Never was and never will be
Not for real that you can save me
And somehow now you're everybody's fool.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
its done.....
I did it.... i moved out. got my clothes, my music, my bathroom stuff and finally... my cats.
now, now i can say i have left him. its feels strange, to say the least. i am happy, but sad. i hate him, but care bout him. i won't go back tho. i couldn't, even if i wanted to- which i don't- it would not work. still, i felt a pang of anger combined with fear when i saw that army recruitment cd tonight. means he's ready too. means he's really starting to realize its thru too. means hes realized he has a need to grow up and the army is his plan i guess. and as much as i dislike him right now, the thought of him joining the military and possibly going overseas scares the shit out of me. what if he dies? and i know i dont love him the way he is, but i loved him once. nobody marries to get divorced. he'll always have a place in my heart. he'll never get back into my heart, but he'll always have a place in it. and if something ever happened to him... well i dunno what'd i do. I wish we could've worked things out. i wish i could've stayed with him, had his children, lived the happy little life together.... but i couldn't. his life is his addiction. my dreams were torn apart when i read that story, the fantasy of raping and killing a child. i tried to get over that, and i couldn't. we were living a loveless relationship- void of even loving touch, loving words, loving actions, well just void of love. and as badly as i want children, as much as i want to be a mother..... i won't be able to have his children. we have no future together. we have drifted apart, we fought as hard as we could and failed. I lost the will to go on and be hurt again.....
maybe he'll smarten up, meet a nice girl, have family.
i hope he does,
as for me, i dunno. maybe my heart will mend, and maybe it won't. maybe one day i'll marry again and have a family, maybe i won't. i just dunno.
i don't think anybody realizes just how much i really wish we coulda worked things out. but there comes a point when you have to stop hurting yourself. when you have to say enuff is enuff.
it was painful to be with him.
painful to be without him.
he... was painful.
i wish him the best, as for me. i am on a journey to find me again. to regain something of myself. i am on a journey to heal me. to make me whole. i am finally free. i am free. and it feels bitter sweet. painful but wonderful all at once.
it feels good tho, to be free. but now i am left thinking.... now what.
when the dreams are finally dead...
when the love you had has turned to bitterness....
when the world you knew has finally come crashing about you...
what do you do?
cry?
sing for joy?
yell and scream in anger?
i don't know. all i know is i have never felt so aloe as i did when i was in my marriage. and now, now i feel somewhat happier. because its the end. the end has finally come. and i can take comfot int the fact that life will and does go on..... without him.
I can smile now.
it may take a while to creep up in the corners, but its there....
happiness.
peace.
hope.
i can do this. i can do this on my own.
it may take a while, but eventually i'll be fine. i'll love again. this feeling now sucks! it sucks horse shite! but , it'll get better. the future looks brighter.
now, now i can say i have left him. its feels strange, to say the least. i am happy, but sad. i hate him, but care bout him. i won't go back tho. i couldn't, even if i wanted to- which i don't- it would not work. still, i felt a pang of anger combined with fear when i saw that army recruitment cd tonight. means he's ready too. means he's really starting to realize its thru too. means hes realized he has a need to grow up and the army is his plan i guess. and as much as i dislike him right now, the thought of him joining the military and possibly going overseas scares the shit out of me. what if he dies? and i know i dont love him the way he is, but i loved him once. nobody marries to get divorced. he'll always have a place in my heart. he'll never get back into my heart, but he'll always have a place in it. and if something ever happened to him... well i dunno what'd i do. I wish we could've worked things out. i wish i could've stayed with him, had his children, lived the happy little life together.... but i couldn't. his life is his addiction. my dreams were torn apart when i read that story, the fantasy of raping and killing a child. i tried to get over that, and i couldn't. we were living a loveless relationship- void of even loving touch, loving words, loving actions, well just void of love. and as badly as i want children, as much as i want to be a mother..... i won't be able to have his children. we have no future together. we have drifted apart, we fought as hard as we could and failed. I lost the will to go on and be hurt again.....
maybe he'll smarten up, meet a nice girl, have family.
i hope he does,
as for me, i dunno. maybe my heart will mend, and maybe it won't. maybe one day i'll marry again and have a family, maybe i won't. i just dunno.
i don't think anybody realizes just how much i really wish we coulda worked things out. but there comes a point when you have to stop hurting yourself. when you have to say enuff is enuff.
it was painful to be with him.
painful to be without him.
he... was painful.
i wish him the best, as for me. i am on a journey to find me again. to regain something of myself. i am on a journey to heal me. to make me whole. i am finally free. i am free. and it feels bitter sweet. painful but wonderful all at once.
it feels good tho, to be free. but now i am left thinking.... now what.
when the dreams are finally dead...
when the love you had has turned to bitterness....
when the world you knew has finally come crashing about you...
what do you do?
cry?
sing for joy?
yell and scream in anger?
i don't know. all i know is i have never felt so aloe as i did when i was in my marriage. and now, now i feel somewhat happier. because its the end. the end has finally come. and i can take comfot int the fact that life will and does go on..... without him.
I can smile now.
it may take a while to creep up in the corners, but its there....
happiness.
peace.
hope.
i can do this. i can do this on my own.
it may take a while, but eventually i'll be fine. i'll love again. this feeling now sucks! it sucks horse shite! but , it'll get better. the future looks brighter.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
my theme song today
DRAGONFORCE FIELDS OF DESPAIR
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UKuv_8OxsPo
LYRICS:
Can you feel the pain inside sometimes in my mind?
In the land of loneliness the seas of blood run cold
Is the feeling lost inside within the sins of all mankind?
Time after time we stood united on we go
Fly far away don't let the world pass you by
Live for the day when we must stand and survive
Now we face the judgment day our souls will feel the pain
Hear the screams of my world through the rain
Silent fields of despair my tears in the rain
Pain in my heart bleeding through
One day we'll be back for one moment in time
Endlessly searching for you...
Who can cure my emptiness inside for this time?
Suffering from loneliness my dreams and hopes will die
No more feelings left inside my blackened heart I cannot hide
Time after time our souls divided on we cry
Fly far away don't leave your own past behind
Live for the day another year passes by
Now we turn to face our fear there's nothing more to say
Still your dreams and my nightmares remain
Silent fields of despair my tears in the rain...
[Solos - Vadim / Sam / Vadim / Sam & Herman / Herman]
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UKuv_8OxsPo
LYRICS:
Can you feel the pain inside sometimes in my mind?
In the land of loneliness the seas of blood run cold
Is the feeling lost inside within the sins of all mankind?
Time after time we stood united on we go
Fly far away don't let the world pass you by
Live for the day when we must stand and survive
Now we face the judgment day our souls will feel the pain
Hear the screams of my world through the rain
Silent fields of despair my tears in the rain
Pain in my heart bleeding through
One day we'll be back for one moment in time
Endlessly searching for you...
Who can cure my emptiness inside for this time?
Suffering from loneliness my dreams and hopes will die
No more feelings left inside my blackened heart I cannot hide
Time after time our souls divided on we cry
Fly far away don't leave your own past behind
Live for the day another year passes by
Now we turn to face our fear there's nothing more to say
Still your dreams and my nightmares remain
Silent fields of despair my tears in the rain...
[Solos - Vadim / Sam / Vadim / Sam & Herman / Herman]
HERE I GO AGAIN.......
FUCK EM! I can do this on my own, no family. FUCKE EM! I saw them as family, saw their mother as my mother and when things get hairy the choose HIS (my husband's)side, don't look me in the eyes, and well, make me feel lke shit. and i know nobody can make me feel like shit, my feelings are my own its just that..... they were family and i know if their Mom were here she'd have my back... if anything HE would get the cold shoulder.
Nos econd thought tho. It just hurts is all. I mean i am leaving my husband because i want happiness. i don't care what anybody says, i tried.... and failed. just that simple. I tired ti deny who he was, i tried to deny it. and look where i got to. hurt. i also learned that as much as he may love me, he loves his addictions more. physical touch, emotional love, sex, friendship.... it has all gone out the window long ago. and to tell you the truth i am sick of trying to keep putting together the peices of humpty dumpty...... i've had enuff.
i am taking ownership of my life.
i have held back for too long, i've fought this feeling of living a lie for too long. life is not meant to be one long suicidal thought. it is not meant to be full of feelings of self hate. i am sick of feelinf so alone in my marriage. i am sick of not feeling like i a beutiful, and worth something.
i am sick.
i just want , i just...... i just want to feel loved, for once in my life i want to belong i want to know that i am worth something that i am not disposable!
do you know what it is like to feel alone ina sea of ppl?
do yo know what it is like to think that you are so terrible and awful that nobody in your life has ever really wanted you?
my dad-` at 11 chode his wife, my step mom, over me and sent me to live with my mother. i saw him maybe once a yr, got the ocassional call.... he had his family. and i wasn't in it.
my mother, had her life. i was a burdon. i had to learn to be strong, to grow up. she never had a lot of emotional love from her parents and in turn didnt shower it upon me. my theatre, something that wasd deeply dear to me was too boring to support. my life, was my life and didnt need her involed.
my step dad.... eventually after him anfd mom divorced he chose his new life over me too... after promising i woulfd always be like his daughter.
My Mae.... died. she made me blong. took me under her wing, gave me love, treated me like a dgtr. was there for me on my night b4 my wedding when none of my family was.
my husband....... stopped caring. let his addictions become his only love. ignored me. made promises to change then lied about them. never got help for his sick fantasies....
the only one who has never let me down is Jesus.
and altho i know i belong to him..... i just..... i dunno.
pple leave me. ppl reject me. ppl just ...... i dunno.
i just want to be loved. for me. and for once, would like to be important to somebody. and i wouldlike to stop having to be the one in charge so much. i would like to stop picking up peices, i may be independant but i have had to fight for all i have. i've had to always take care of me and everybody else. and i am just so tired.
i left him because staying was a form of self abuse. staying was living a lie. living a loveless marriage. trying to force somthing to work.
that was never meant to.
i guess i am stubborn that way.
at least i chose to end it b4 kids came along.
at least i ended it b4 i ended it.
i reached out for help.
and will continue to
i am searching. for me i guess. life is too short to live as somebody else. i don't know who i am anymore....i cocooned myself for so log hiding my true feelings and my true self for so long i don't know where to start....
i am scared to see that leave. i am scared to open up. and i am scared of myself.
i got told tonite i have a wild side, one that i keep in check. and i know i have a wild side. trust me. i do. but will i let it out. not unless i want to fuck evey man in site, drink till i drop and live a life of regrets! no. i think my wild side is perfectly fine where it is... thank yo very much..... controlled.
but that just brings me around to a good point. i spent so much time controlling myself it is hard to let go. it is hard to just be myself.
but who am i?
i have struggled with that question for at least 2 yrs now. when my husband and i first almost divorced i went thru an identity crisis. i was his wife. but who else was i? and i was too scared so i took him back w.out looking for proof of change or even without finding out who i was.... now i am faced with the same questions.....
who am i?
and the truth is.... i have spent so long hiding i really don't know who i am any more. and tell yo the truth i am so scared of what i'll find, maybe i'll just keep hiding.
lonliness, altho painful, can be familiar.... comforting. and is very tempting. i rely wonder if i have the stregnth to do this....
can i break free?
can i find me?
or will i just chose to sink right back into that pit of lonliness and familiarity that was my marriage.....
i hope not. i desperatly hope i can stay strong this time.
for my sake, and sanity, and health.... and well bing in general.
Nos econd thought tho. It just hurts is all. I mean i am leaving my husband because i want happiness. i don't care what anybody says, i tried.... and failed. just that simple. I tired ti deny who he was, i tried to deny it. and look where i got to. hurt. i also learned that as much as he may love me, he loves his addictions more. physical touch, emotional love, sex, friendship.... it has all gone out the window long ago. and to tell you the truth i am sick of trying to keep putting together the peices of humpty dumpty...... i've had enuff.
i am taking ownership of my life.
i have held back for too long, i've fought this feeling of living a lie for too long. life is not meant to be one long suicidal thought. it is not meant to be full of feelings of self hate. i am sick of feelinf so alone in my marriage. i am sick of not feeling like i a beutiful, and worth something.
i am sick.
i just want , i just...... i just want to feel loved, for once in my life i want to belong i want to know that i am worth something that i am not disposable!
do you know what it is like to feel alone ina sea of ppl?
do yo know what it is like to think that you are so terrible and awful that nobody in your life has ever really wanted you?
my dad-` at 11 chode his wife, my step mom, over me and sent me to live with my mother. i saw him maybe once a yr, got the ocassional call.... he had his family. and i wasn't in it.
my mother, had her life. i was a burdon. i had to learn to be strong, to grow up. she never had a lot of emotional love from her parents and in turn didnt shower it upon me. my theatre, something that wasd deeply dear to me was too boring to support. my life, was my life and didnt need her involed.
my step dad.... eventually after him anfd mom divorced he chose his new life over me too... after promising i woulfd always be like his daughter.
My Mae.... died. she made me blong. took me under her wing, gave me love, treated me like a dgtr. was there for me on my night b4 my wedding when none of my family was.
my husband....... stopped caring. let his addictions become his only love. ignored me. made promises to change then lied about them. never got help for his sick fantasies....
the only one who has never let me down is Jesus.
and altho i know i belong to him..... i just..... i dunno.
pple leave me. ppl reject me. ppl just ...... i dunno.
i just want to be loved. for me. and for once, would like to be important to somebody. and i wouldlike to stop having to be the one in charge so much. i would like to stop picking up peices, i may be independant but i have had to fight for all i have. i've had to always take care of me and everybody else. and i am just so tired.
i left him because staying was a form of self abuse. staying was living a lie. living a loveless marriage. trying to force somthing to work.
that was never meant to.
i guess i am stubborn that way.
at least i chose to end it b4 kids came along.
at least i ended it b4 i ended it.
i reached out for help.
and will continue to
i am searching. for me i guess. life is too short to live as somebody else. i don't know who i am anymore....i cocooned myself for so log hiding my true feelings and my true self for so long i don't know where to start....
i am scared to see that leave. i am scared to open up. and i am scared of myself.
i got told tonite i have a wild side, one that i keep in check. and i know i have a wild side. trust me. i do. but will i let it out. not unless i want to fuck evey man in site, drink till i drop and live a life of regrets! no. i think my wild side is perfectly fine where it is... thank yo very much..... controlled.
but that just brings me around to a good point. i spent so much time controlling myself it is hard to let go. it is hard to just be myself.
but who am i?
i have struggled with that question for at least 2 yrs now. when my husband and i first almost divorced i went thru an identity crisis. i was his wife. but who else was i? and i was too scared so i took him back w.out looking for proof of change or even without finding out who i was.... now i am faced with the same questions.....
who am i?
and the truth is.... i have spent so long hiding i really don't know who i am any more. and tell yo the truth i am so scared of what i'll find, maybe i'll just keep hiding.
lonliness, altho painful, can be familiar.... comforting. and is very tempting. i rely wonder if i have the stregnth to do this....
can i break free?
can i find me?
or will i just chose to sink right back into that pit of lonliness and familiarity that was my marriage.....
i hope not. i desperatly hope i can stay strong this time.
for my sake, and sanity, and health.... and well bing in general.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
love is gone!~
LOve is gone, well at least he is anyways. hallelujah and amen! I feel great! There are some times when it hits me and i go, oh my god! what have i done? then i reaslise what an idiot i've been to let it last for so long! It's thru, and i have to say it's like a giant weight has finally been lifted from my shoulders! He was a lazy bum who leeched off me for years. he lied to me about his addictions! failed to meet my needs emotionally, physically and spiritually! but still, don'r get me wrong, the reality of divorced life can still hit me pretty hard at times. i mean, nobody gets married to get divorced.... ok. i loved him, probably still do. but do i want to stay in a dead toxic relationship. no. I hope one day i mend up enuff to date again, who knows maybe i'll marry and have kids... right now all i feel is no, not ever again. but who know maybe the right guy will come by and proove me wrong that love is gone!~
but i am not holding my breath
ah, i love being f***ing confused. happy, sad, happy, mad, happy, sad.... hello merry go round that is divorce! take just now for example... i just went onto my facebook and tried to change my status to... its complicated. but i couldn't. not beacause i am having second thought. not beacuse i am still in love. no, because as honest as i try to be in here i am not ready to be that honest to the whole facebook, especially my church. i don't know if i am ready, cus i don't want to answer a ton of questions.... i don't want to deal with so many freakin ppl.... i just want to be left alone. but ppl are eventually gonna pick up on it. it's inevitable. just gotta pick myself up and deal. i gotta tell the world sometime. i gotta tell them , we're thru. thru and thru and that is that! i am not going back! see ya later it was not any fun, have a nice life!
how long do i have to be this f***ed up for b4 i am me again. i feel me coming back, gradually. but can't it happen any faster....
but i am not holding my breath
ah, i love being f***ing confused. happy, sad, happy, mad, happy, sad.... hello merry go round that is divorce! take just now for example... i just went onto my facebook and tried to change my status to... its complicated. but i couldn't. not beacause i am having second thought. not beacuse i am still in love. no, because as honest as i try to be in here i am not ready to be that honest to the whole facebook, especially my church. i don't know if i am ready, cus i don't want to answer a ton of questions.... i don't want to deal with so many freakin ppl.... i just want to be left alone. but ppl are eventually gonna pick up on it. it's inevitable. just gotta pick myself up and deal. i gotta tell the world sometime. i gotta tell them , we're thru. thru and thru and that is that! i am not going back! see ya later it was not any fun, have a nice life!
how long do i have to be this f***ed up for b4 i am me again. i feel me coming back, gradually. but can't it happen any faster....
todays theme songs
well, here's todays songs, about love none the less. ;0) ehehehehehe and HOW MUCH IT CAN F*****G suck! Ha! you thought i was going all lovey dovey again. no, divorce has way about ruining your ideas about love, funny about that! anyways, here they are
FREDDIE MERCURY: LOVE KILLS
CLASSIC VIDEO:http://youtube.com/watch?v=7IYgX7bl4uc&mode=related&search=
SOMEWHAT NEWER VIDEOS:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fruVTEExEO0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gGs7vlMxaQ8&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Love don't give no compensation, love don't pay no bills
Love don't give no indication, love just won't stand still
Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, ruining your heartline
Stays for a lifetime, won't let you go
Coz love (love) love (love) love won't leave you alone
Love won't take no reservations, love is no square deal
Hey love don't give no justification, it strikes like cold steel
Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, burning your lifeline
Gives you a hard time won't let you go
Coz love (love) love (love) love won't leave you alone
Hey love can play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart
Hey love kills
Play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart (to your heart)
Love kills (love kills), hey hey, love kills (love kills)
Love kills kills kills kills
Love can play with your emotions, open invitation
Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, ruining your hearrline
Won't let you go
Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, tears you right apart
It won't let go, it won't let go
Love kills, yeah
DAVID GUETTA - LOVE IS GONE
VIDEO:http://youtube.com/watch?v=beGjncfEPt8
LYRICS:
Now that the love is gone...
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
Love is gone....
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
Now that the love is gone
The love felt so right so wrong
Now that the love is gone
I feel so hurt inside
Feel so hurt inside
Got to find a reason
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
To hold on
Love...
There's nothing left for us to say
Love...
Why can't we gently walk away
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
Love is gone...
nazareth: Love Hurts
video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=tVr6UCNqtfc
Lyrics:
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart
Not tough nor strong enough to take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
love is like a cloud
holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts
love hurts
I'm young I know but even so
I know a thing or two I've learned from you
I've really learned a lot
really learned a lot.
Love is like a stove
burns you when it's hot.
Love hurts
love hurts
some fools rave of happiness
Blissfulness
togetherness
some fools fool themselves
I guess
But they're not fooling me I know it isn't true
No
it isn't ture. Love is just a lie made to make you blue.
Love hurts
love hurts.
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart
FREDDIE MERCURY: LOVE KILLS
CLASSIC VIDEO:http://youtube.com/watch?v=7IYgX7bl4uc&mode=related&search=
SOMEWHAT NEWER VIDEOS:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fruVTEExEO0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gGs7vlMxaQ8&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Love don't give no compensation, love don't pay no bills
Love don't give no indication, love just won't stand still
Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, ruining your heartline
Stays for a lifetime, won't let you go
Coz love (love) love (love) love won't leave you alone
Love won't take no reservations, love is no square deal
Hey love don't give no justification, it strikes like cold steel
Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, burning your lifeline
Gives you a hard time won't let you go
Coz love (love) love (love) love won't leave you alone
Hey love can play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart
Hey love kills
Play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart (to your heart)
Love kills (love kills), hey hey, love kills (love kills)
Love kills kills kills kills
Love can play with your emotions, open invitation
Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, ruining your hearrline
Won't let you go
Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, tears you right apart
It won't let go, it won't let go
Love kills, yeah
DAVID GUETTA - LOVE IS GONE
VIDEO:http://youtube.com/watch?v=beGjncfEPt8
LYRICS:
Now that the love is gone...
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
Love is gone....
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
Now that the love is gone
The love felt so right so wrong
Now that the love is gone
I feel so hurt inside
Feel so hurt inside
Got to find a reason
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
Got to find a reason
To hold on
Love...
There's nothing left for us to say
Love...
Why can't we gently walk away
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
There is nothing else to proof
Now you still deny the simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that love is gone
Love is gone...
What are we suppose to do
After all that we've been through
Where everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone
Love is gone...
nazareth: Love Hurts
video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=tVr6UCNqtfc
Lyrics:
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart
Not tough nor strong enough to take a lot of pain
Take a lot of pain
love is like a cloud
holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts
love hurts
I'm young I know but even so
I know a thing or two I've learned from you
I've really learned a lot
really learned a lot.
Love is like a stove
burns you when it's hot.
Love hurts
love hurts
some fools rave of happiness
Blissfulness
togetherness
some fools fool themselves
I guess
But they're not fooling me I know it isn't true
No
it isn't ture. Love is just a lie made to make you blue.
Love hurts
love hurts.
Love hurts
love scares
love wounds and mares any heart
Sunday, August 12, 2007
another talk and Todays theme songs
well, i asked him this morning what he thought of what i said last night. that something serious had to be dont to save outr marriage, and that he needed to take the night to think things thru. this morning he sowre at me, barely talked then admitted he was still thinking about followed by he didnt go out to talk to a firend about it like i advised him to do.... so that's it. i told him we needed to take a break, and when i saw evidence of change then we could try again... but seriously i think it wont happen. and we'l end up dicvorced. some part of me is sad.... i loved him fully once. but that is a memory i've clung to for too long to try and get me thru the days..... we have a loveless marriage. time to let us fly... maybe then we can be truely happy. maybe we'll be w/ each other maybe we won't all i know is i cant live like this! and now i feel almost, happy... it is done i finally said it and now... now what?
WITHEN TEMPTATION: ANGELS
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=G4HsQr7cL9M&feature=PlayList&p=92B68A10D952CE11&index=15&playnext=1
LYRICS:
Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by my faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you a reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
Chris Brown - Say Goodbye
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zT14BdPmbqs
LYRICS:
Look we gotta talk
Dang I know
I know it's just
It's just...Some things I gotta get of my chest alright....Yeahhhh...Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa...
Listen..
Baby come here and sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Saying that I love you,
But you know, this thing ain't been
No walk in the park for us
I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't wanna see you cry
But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so
[Hook]
How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Girl I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times IFound myself asking, "Why? Why?"Why am I taking so long to say this?But trust me, girl I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know
[Hook]How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Girl I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?
[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move'
Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
I, I just can't do it
Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
And sometimes it makes me wanna cry
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [4x]
Do you hear me crying?
Oh, oh, oh [4x]
[Chorus]There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need
(oh)There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
[Chorus]There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need
(oh)There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Kiss Me Good-Bye (ENGLISH)- Angela Aki
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=HiBbmJQvS6w
LYRICS:
You say my love is all you need
To see you through
But I know these words are not quite true
Here is the path you’re looking for
An open door
Leading the worlds you long to explore
Go, if you must move on alone
I’m gonna make it on my own
Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Don’t shed a tear, for love’s mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
As times goes by I know you’ll see this of me
I loved enough to let you go free
Go, I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky
Kiss me good-bye, love is mystery
All of my life, I’ll hold you close to me
Don’t shed a tear, for love’s mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
You put the dream in my reality
WITHEN TEMPTATION: ANGELS
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=G4HsQr7cL9M&feature=PlayList&p=92B68A10D952CE11&index=15&playnext=1
LYRICS:
Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by my faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you a reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
Chris Brown - Say Goodbye
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zT14BdPmbqs
LYRICS:
Look we gotta talk
Dang I know
I know it's just
It's just...Some things I gotta get of my chest alright....Yeahhhh...Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa...
Listen..
Baby come here and sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Saying that I love you,
But you know, this thing ain't been
No walk in the park for us
I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't wanna see you cry
But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so
[Hook]
How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Girl I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times IFound myself asking, "Why? Why?"Why am I taking so long to say this?But trust me, girl I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know
[Hook]How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Girl I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?
[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move'
Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
I, I just can't do it
Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
And sometimes it makes me wanna cry
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [4x]
Do you hear me crying?
Oh, oh, oh [4x]
[Chorus]There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need
(oh)There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
[Chorus]There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need
(oh)There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye
Kiss Me Good-Bye (ENGLISH)- Angela Aki
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=HiBbmJQvS6w
LYRICS:
You say my love is all you need
To see you through
But I know these words are not quite true
Here is the path you’re looking for
An open door
Leading the worlds you long to explore
Go, if you must move on alone
I’m gonna make it on my own
Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Don’t shed a tear, for love’s mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
As times goes by I know you’ll see this of me
I loved enough to let you go free
Go, I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky
Kiss me good-bye, love is mystery
All of my life, I’ll hold you close to me
Don’t shed a tear, for love’s mortality
For you put the dream in my reality
Kiss me good-bye, love’s memory
You put the dream in my reality
D-day (Decision day...)
He's still sleeping. But i have an idea where this is gonna go. after yesterday, i fell tired like never b4. after yrs of trying and bottling it up, i think i have and answer.... and it is not pretty.
He lied. Plain and simple. he lied. Told me he wanted to get over his addictions, told me he had a problem, told me he wanted help and was getting help FOR HIM, NOT ME! Then yesterday admitted he didn't think he had a problem w/ drugs, that it was all just social, and was going to the meetings just so i wouldn't "freak" on him.... Here we go again. All my other thoughts about relapse were just suspicions until now. But w/ that said ... well he may not have drugs yet, but he's about to. admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, convincing yourself you are in control and have no problem is the first step (the biggest too mind you) to relapse! That's the "danger will Robinson danger!" signal going off. And do i wanna stick around to pick up the pieces again? like I've done soooooo many times b4?
the answer...
is no.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt too many f***king times! I've made myself sick, I've suffered, and hurt too much. NO MORE!
Trust, is out the window
respect, is gone
and like a line in a popular movie (gladiator) goes
"if they have lied to me then they do not respect me. if the do not respect me then how can they trust me? if they do not trust me then how can they love me?".... or something like that, i can't remember word for word but that was the gist of it....
that's the biggest thing right there. I just feel like there's gotta be more, ya know? like this can't be it? this can't be love? is it all supposed to be fighting constantly, and hurting, and pain? and this is not a case of "oh the grass looks greener over there, lets go try it" no its more like " over here i have done all i can to save the environment but now it is apocalyptic and i really should find some higher ground or something!"
and the worst part....
he sees nothing wrong. he has no addiction and as for my opinions on our "loveless marriage" he thinks this is what marriage is. just being together is a marriage apparently.
I've told him yesterday that we are in a loveless marriage. He does not meet my needs emotionally, sexually, or otherwise. I have a quasi roommate... comes up once in a while, pays rent, then leaves....is that a marriage? according to him, just being together is married. I told him as desperately as i want to have children, i WILL NOT BRING THEM INTO A LOVELESS MARRIAGE! NO WAY! I prefer NOT to contribute to the dysfunctional family list, thank you very much. besides that, having his child would forever connect me to him, and i really don't want that. not the way he is. and that right there..... was how i found my answer!
and then, then there were the comments... a few days ago he dug himself in the hole by, well to put it bluntly, saying i was not pretty enough to get a job as a waitress, he later re-iterated this remark when i told him it hurt my feelings, and then the third time was yesterday... well he saw nothing wrong w/ his remark as according to him i just simply did not have that body type!
WHAT THE F%&K!!! so i gave him another chance and explained, not all waitresses are 5'5 and 100lbs, sexy and beautiful are not limited to size, i may be overweight but i am by no means obese or ugly and that just because i don't have that body shape doesn't mean i couldn't be a waitress. he said the same thing again... so its not like i didn't give himself a chance to redeem himself. i even went so far as to explain it SEVERAL times how i felt, and how it hurt my feelings. and not even a simple apology from him, rather he defended his point of view! ]
we have nothing in common anymore... and what we had before he has abandoned. i have tried spending time w/ him... but to no avail. I have made an effort to get to know and spend time w/ his friends, but he has not don't the same for me. My family all hate him, and i ended up choosing him over them. his reply to that is that is how it should be.... what i am supposed to cut off all my family for his sake?
i am sick of being nothing but a source of income. I am sick of thinking i am a terrible person because it must be me, why else would he not love me? I treat him terribly, i know. I yell i scream, i fight, and all because i am so bitter of what has happened. I still hurt when i think that he wrote that sick disgusting story, why that? and how many times he's relapsed and I've picked up the pieces. I was soooo stupid last yr. I was told to look for EVIDENCE of change b4 i accepted him back into my life and i was sooooo stupid that i didn't look long or hard enuf and look what happened now. surprise! it was fake!
there has got to be more then this! this is not love!
i am just so tired.... the only reason i didnt kill myself 2 yrs ago when i found that stupicd story was because of my faith! and that i knew suicide (aka slef murder) was selfish, and not an answer! but the fact i've thought about suicide.... that can;t be good can it?
I just feel so terrible right now. I feel like a failure. Like i've failed God, myself and my husband. I feelike if i just treated him better then maybe he wouldnt want weed. mayvbe if i didnt fight with him he would love himself more. maybe if i was a better person he would be happier and in turn want me and treat me better. I just feellike this is all my fault. maye if i was stong enuff for the both of us, maybe if i did just have a kid, maybe if i worked harder at this marriage, maybe if i got counsilling, maybe if i looke sexier... prettier, then maybe... maybe he'd love me more then the weed. maybe he'd ljust love me.
I feel like he's got differnt morals then me now. I feel like we've gone 2 ways, and i am to blame. I should have talked more, i should have loved him more... i should have prayed more, i should have talked to my pastirs, gitten them involed. i should have, and i didnt. and now look where he is. he;s relapsing... and it is all my fault. I hate myself. whats have i done? i have failed.
and my friends i fthe read this would yell and scream at me for thinking about me that way, but i can't help it. .... i am just so tired.... i just, i just don'twant to be hurt agin. If i keep going back i am only enabling him and his bhaviors. I i gues what i am saying is... if he says he wants to make thins work, than i'm goingto tell him we need a break... not a separateion but a break. Time for me to watch him, look for evidence of change, then maybe we can make this work. If he doesnt see a proble, then were thru. either way, i am not going to keep blaming myself and taking it all upon me to fix it. It is now up to him....
i can't beleive i am sayingthis tho...
i honestly dont think he's up to the task.We will most likly end up divorcing...
there is a faint gilmmer of hope tho....
either way i am truting God to pick up the peices. no matter what He will kake it all better. I trust In Jesus!
good by for now....
today,
i cry alone... again.
but at least God, some of my fiends, and anybody who reads this will know.... so i suppose i won't be crying entirely alone. I've carried this for far too long. I am glad it is out in the open....
Lets see what he ahs to say when he wakes up... today..
is D-day
decision day!
He lied. Plain and simple. he lied. Told me he wanted to get over his addictions, told me he had a problem, told me he wanted help and was getting help FOR HIM, NOT ME! Then yesterday admitted he didn't think he had a problem w/ drugs, that it was all just social, and was going to the meetings just so i wouldn't "freak" on him.... Here we go again. All my other thoughts about relapse were just suspicions until now. But w/ that said ... well he may not have drugs yet, but he's about to. admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, convincing yourself you are in control and have no problem is the first step (the biggest too mind you) to relapse! That's the "danger will Robinson danger!" signal going off. And do i wanna stick around to pick up the pieces again? like I've done soooooo many times b4?
the answer...
is no.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt too many f***king times! I've made myself sick, I've suffered, and hurt too much. NO MORE!
Trust, is out the window
respect, is gone
and like a line in a popular movie (gladiator) goes
"if they have lied to me then they do not respect me. if the do not respect me then how can they trust me? if they do not trust me then how can they love me?".... or something like that, i can't remember word for word but that was the gist of it....
that's the biggest thing right there. I just feel like there's gotta be more, ya know? like this can't be it? this can't be love? is it all supposed to be fighting constantly, and hurting, and pain? and this is not a case of "oh the grass looks greener over there, lets go try it" no its more like " over here i have done all i can to save the environment but now it is apocalyptic and i really should find some higher ground or something!"
and the worst part....
he sees nothing wrong. he has no addiction and as for my opinions on our "loveless marriage" he thinks this is what marriage is. just being together is a marriage apparently.
I've told him yesterday that we are in a loveless marriage. He does not meet my needs emotionally, sexually, or otherwise. I have a quasi roommate... comes up once in a while, pays rent, then leaves....is that a marriage? according to him, just being together is married. I told him as desperately as i want to have children, i WILL NOT BRING THEM INTO A LOVELESS MARRIAGE! NO WAY! I prefer NOT to contribute to the dysfunctional family list, thank you very much. besides that, having his child would forever connect me to him, and i really don't want that. not the way he is. and that right there..... was how i found my answer!
and then, then there were the comments... a few days ago he dug himself in the hole by, well to put it bluntly, saying i was not pretty enough to get a job as a waitress, he later re-iterated this remark when i told him it hurt my feelings, and then the third time was yesterday... well he saw nothing wrong w/ his remark as according to him i just simply did not have that body type!
WHAT THE F%&K!!! so i gave him another chance and explained, not all waitresses are 5'5 and 100lbs, sexy and beautiful are not limited to size, i may be overweight but i am by no means obese or ugly and that just because i don't have that body shape doesn't mean i couldn't be a waitress. he said the same thing again... so its not like i didn't give himself a chance to redeem himself. i even went so far as to explain it SEVERAL times how i felt, and how it hurt my feelings. and not even a simple apology from him, rather he defended his point of view! ]
we have nothing in common anymore... and what we had before he has abandoned. i have tried spending time w/ him... but to no avail. I have made an effort to get to know and spend time w/ his friends, but he has not don't the same for me. My family all hate him, and i ended up choosing him over them. his reply to that is that is how it should be.... what i am supposed to cut off all my family for his sake?
i am sick of being nothing but a source of income. I am sick of thinking i am a terrible person because it must be me, why else would he not love me? I treat him terribly, i know. I yell i scream, i fight, and all because i am so bitter of what has happened. I still hurt when i think that he wrote that sick disgusting story, why that? and how many times he's relapsed and I've picked up the pieces. I was soooo stupid last yr. I was told to look for EVIDENCE of change b4 i accepted him back into my life and i was sooooo stupid that i didn't look long or hard enuf and look what happened now. surprise! it was fake!
there has got to be more then this! this is not love!
i am just so tired.... the only reason i didnt kill myself 2 yrs ago when i found that stupicd story was because of my faith! and that i knew suicide (aka slef murder) was selfish, and not an answer! but the fact i've thought about suicide.... that can;t be good can it?
I just feel so terrible right now. I feel like a failure. Like i've failed God, myself and my husband. I feelike if i just treated him better then maybe he wouldnt want weed. mayvbe if i didnt fight with him he would love himself more. maybe if i was a better person he would be happier and in turn want me and treat me better. I just feellike this is all my fault. maye if i was stong enuff for the both of us, maybe if i did just have a kid, maybe if i worked harder at this marriage, maybe if i got counsilling, maybe if i looke sexier... prettier, then maybe... maybe he'd love me more then the weed. maybe he'd ljust love me.
I feel like he's got differnt morals then me now. I feel like we've gone 2 ways, and i am to blame. I should have talked more, i should have loved him more... i should have prayed more, i should have talked to my pastirs, gitten them involed. i should have, and i didnt. and now look where he is. he;s relapsing... and it is all my fault. I hate myself. whats have i done? i have failed.
and my friends i fthe read this would yell and scream at me for thinking about me that way, but i can't help it. .... i am just so tired.... i just, i just don'twant to be hurt agin. If i keep going back i am only enabling him and his bhaviors. I i gues what i am saying is... if he says he wants to make thins work, than i'm goingto tell him we need a break... not a separateion but a break. Time for me to watch him, look for evidence of change, then maybe we can make this work. If he doesnt see a proble, then were thru. either way, i am not going to keep blaming myself and taking it all upon me to fix it. It is now up to him....
i can't beleive i am sayingthis tho...
i honestly dont think he's up to the task.We will most likly end up divorcing...
there is a faint gilmmer of hope tho....
either way i am truting God to pick up the peices. no matter what He will kake it all better. I trust In Jesus!
good by for now....
today,
i cry alone... again.
but at least God, some of my fiends, and anybody who reads this will know.... so i suppose i won't be crying entirely alone. I've carried this for far too long. I am glad it is out in the open....
Lets see what he ahs to say when he wakes up... today..
is D-day
decision day!
Todays theme songs aug 12
today's theme songs..... some are dark (like bob dylan's song), some are hopeful (like natalie grant's song)........
this song by natalie grant is about jesus, for the record... Jesus is my only hope, who I live for above all else he's gonna bring it all together, no matter what... his plans are for me to prosper: emotionally, physically, spiritually...
Natalie Grant: Bring it all together
Video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF-FeCVFetI
Lyrics:
I hear you say
That you can't go on
Cause you had it all and watched it fall away
You feel betrayed
Cause everything's gone wrong
Can't find the strength to hope for a better day
You may not understand the reasons
But His promise will never change
(Chorus)He's gonna take your pain
He's gonna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together, bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good
You say you live your life
Doing the best you can
Wondering if the struggle means anything
If you realized that it's in His hands
You'll find the peace that surrender brings
We may not understand the reasons
But His promise will never change
He's gonna take your pain
He's gonnna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together,
Bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good
There will come a day of healing
We will see the master plan
We will celebrate His faithfulness
And we'll sing (sing) and we'll shout (shout)
Praise His name- Jesus!
bob Dylan:It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)
video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeUlDFUgCGI
Lyrics:
Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.
Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fools gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proved to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.
Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.
So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to you ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.
As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.
Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their marks
Made everything from toy guns that sparks
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.
While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the President of the United States
Sometimes must haveTo stand naked.
An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.
Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.
You loose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand without nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.
A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not forget
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.
Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.
For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despite their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.
While some on principles baptized
To strict party platforms ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God Bless him.
While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargoyles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.
But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.
Old lady judges, watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.
While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.
My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me ?
And if my thought-dreams could been seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.
a reapeat, but still describes how i am feelining...
KELLY CLARKSON:BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES (tears i cry)\ VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AFsyqbnQPo
LYRICS
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
this song by natalie grant is about jesus, for the record... Jesus is my only hope, who I live for above all else he's gonna bring it all together, no matter what... his plans are for me to prosper: emotionally, physically, spiritually...
Natalie Grant: Bring it all together
Video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF-FeCVFetI
Lyrics:
I hear you say
That you can't go on
Cause you had it all and watched it fall away
You feel betrayed
Cause everything's gone wrong
Can't find the strength to hope for a better day
You may not understand the reasons
But His promise will never change
(Chorus)He's gonna take your pain
He's gonna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together, bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good
You say you live your life
Doing the best you can
Wondering if the struggle means anything
If you realized that it's in His hands
You'll find the peace that surrender brings
We may not understand the reasons
But His promise will never change
He's gonna take your pain
He's gonnna take your doubt
He's gonna bring it all together,
Bring it all together
Gonna make you happy
He's gonna make you laugh out loud
He's gonna bring it all together
Bring it all together for good
There will come a day of healing
We will see the master plan
We will celebrate His faithfulness
And we'll sing (sing) and we'll shout (shout)
Praise His name- Jesus!
bob Dylan:It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)
video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeUlDFUgCGI
Lyrics:
Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child's balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.
Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fools gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proved to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.
Temptation's page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you'd just be
One more person crying.
So don't fear if you hear
A foreign sound to you ear
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.
As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don't hate nothing at all
Except hatred.
Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their marks
Made everything from toy guns that sparks
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.
While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the President of the United States
Sometimes must haveTo stand naked.
An' though the rules of the road have been lodged
It's only people's games that you got to dodge
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.
Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you're the one
That can do what's never been done
That can win what's never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.
You loose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand without nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.
A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not forget
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.
Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.
For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despite their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.
While some on principles baptized
To strict party platforms ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God Bless him.
While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargoyles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society's pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he's in.
But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.
Old lady judges, watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn't talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.
While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer's pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death's honesty
Won't fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.
My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me ?
And if my thought-dreams could been seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.
a reapeat, but still describes how i am feelining...
KELLY CLARKSON:BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES (tears i cry)\ VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AFsyqbnQPo
LYRICS
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Saturday, August 11, 2007
today's theme songs.....
everyday there are songs i find. songs that can decribe how i truely feel at the momen... right now i am gearing up for "the big talk".... and these songs describe my feeling better then i could.....
Jefftunes: blow away
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AC9qDO1soI
lyrics:
BLOW AWAY---------------------------------
All over the land, there's a layer of sand.
I let is slip through my hands.
There's too many beaches on too many desert islands.
I think I've learned my lesson.
In every deed there's an unopened seed,
That is waiting for the rains of fate.
When you walk away, the seed begins to grow,
And it turns all that love into hate.
What am I gonna do about you.
What am I gonna do about you.
I wish it would blow away.
I wish it would just blow away,
But you just keep on picking up those handfuls of sand,
And you just keep on thinking about the past.
In every deed there's an unopened seed,
That is waiting on the rains of fate.
When you walk away,
that seed begins to grow,
And it turns all that love into hate.
Well what am I gonna do about you.
I said what am I gonna do about you.
I wish it would blow away.
I wish it would just blow away,
But you just keep on picking up those handfuls of sand,
And you just keep on thinking about the past.
All over the land, there are layers of sand.
That have slipped through my hand.
There's too many beaches on too many desert islands.
I think I've learned my lesson
KELLY CLARKSON:BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES (tears i cry)\
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AFsyqbnQPo
LYRICS
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to beSo together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleepI'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Jefftunes: blow away
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AC9qDO1soI
lyrics:
BLOW AWAY---------------------------------
All over the land, there's a layer of sand.
I let is slip through my hands.
There's too many beaches on too many desert islands.
I think I've learned my lesson.
In every deed there's an unopened seed,
That is waiting for the rains of fate.
When you walk away, the seed begins to grow,
And it turns all that love into hate.
What am I gonna do about you.
What am I gonna do about you.
I wish it would blow away.
I wish it would just blow away,
But you just keep on picking up those handfuls of sand,
And you just keep on thinking about the past.
In every deed there's an unopened seed,
That is waiting on the rains of fate.
When you walk away,
that seed begins to grow,
And it turns all that love into hate.
Well what am I gonna do about you.
I said what am I gonna do about you.
I wish it would blow away.
I wish it would just blow away,
But you just keep on picking up those handfuls of sand,
And you just keep on thinking about the past.
All over the land, there are layers of sand.
That have slipped through my hand.
There's too many beaches on too many desert islands.
I think I've learned my lesson
KELLY CLARKSON:BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES (tears i cry)\
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AFsyqbnQPo
LYRICS
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to beSo together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleepI'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Friday, August 10, 2007
today.....
today i feel, well i dont't know how i feel. I feel lost to say the least. I think i am tired, and sad, and just plain frustrated. I can honestly say tho that i regret.
I regret not taking the chance to leave my marriage when i could. I regret taking my marriage vows so seriously. really i do.
And i know ppl won't beleive this but i used my husband. I did. i used him so that i would notbe alone. i accepted him back into my life so that he in turn would not be alone either out of pity. but was it also out of love? i took him back when i felt nothing strong for him. i mean I have feelings for him, i know. But are they love? i don't know anymore. all i know is i am sick, and tired.
I've come to a point where i am seriously examining my life. Only problem is, I am not sure what to think anymore. I have all these bitter feelings inside, unresolved feelings. Stuff that i just shoved down and chose to ignore. stuff thathas since surfaced as toxic waste in an emotional wasteland!
so now i find myself contemplating divrce. to the point where i have it mostly planned.
but do i relly want a divorce?
I know My husband loves me, and altho i care for him.... do i love him> I dunno. Do i see a future with him?
I used to, but now.... now i don't know.
I can't have children with him. I can't. Not w/ what i found 2 yrs ago.... a disgusting and twisted (to say the least) story my husband wrote of himself raping and killing a child. I don't care what you say, fantasy or not finding something like that about your spose of 7 yrs (well 4 married and 3 together b4) strips you and leaves you wounded. don't get me wrong, we've both sought help since the discovery of the story, but the long term effects of finding such a peice of absulutly disgustingly f%*&$#d up shit i fear have hit me. I don't trust him anymore. i also have no rspect for him. but can it be rergained? an i learn to repect, trust, and so fall i ove again with musband.
and it's not just a metter of can it is more like
WHY should i?
Welll tommorow we'll have "the tlk" and lay everything bare. Hopefull I can figre out what to do sum there.
I regret not taking the chance to leave my marriage when i could. I regret taking my marriage vows so seriously. really i do.
And i know ppl won't beleive this but i used my husband. I did. i used him so that i would notbe alone. i accepted him back into my life so that he in turn would not be alone either out of pity. but was it also out of love? i took him back when i felt nothing strong for him. i mean I have feelings for him, i know. But are they love? i don't know anymore. all i know is i am sick, and tired.
I've come to a point where i am seriously examining my life. Only problem is, I am not sure what to think anymore. I have all these bitter feelings inside, unresolved feelings. Stuff that i just shoved down and chose to ignore. stuff thathas since surfaced as toxic waste in an emotional wasteland!
so now i find myself contemplating divrce. to the point where i have it mostly planned.
but do i relly want a divorce?
I know My husband loves me, and altho i care for him.... do i love him> I dunno. Do i see a future with him?
I used to, but now.... now i don't know.
I can't have children with him. I can't. Not w/ what i found 2 yrs ago.... a disgusting and twisted (to say the least) story my husband wrote of himself raping and killing a child. I don't care what you say, fantasy or not finding something like that about your spose of 7 yrs (well 4 married and 3 together b4) strips you and leaves you wounded. don't get me wrong, we've both sought help since the discovery of the story, but the long term effects of finding such a peice of absulutly disgustingly f%*&$#d up shit i fear have hit me. I don't trust him anymore. i also have no rspect for him. but can it be rergained? an i learn to repect, trust, and so fall i ove again with musband.
and it's not just a metter of can it is more like
WHY should i?
Welll tommorow we'll have "the tlk" and lay everything bare. Hopefull I can figre out what to do sum there.
Today's theme songs to my life....
In my life there are always songs that better descibe my feelings and my life at the moment. here are a cpl songs that are today's "theme" songs
I CRY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q10iwLuLgc8
I'm torn and I'm broken,
I'm beat down and blue
And I'm drowning in memories
Crawling with you
And I'm puzzled by pieces that
Don't seem to fit
Though I've tried and I've tried,
I can't make sense of it so
I cry...I cry...
I know that I need to just
Leave you alone,
Still I write you a letter and
Call on the phone
But you don't want to Hear from me,
That's plain to see,
soI'll draw my conclusions
Penned by misery and
I cry...I cry...
I used to think nothing happened in vain,
But the reasons stay hidden,
they mock my pain
How did we get here?
I'm clenching my fists
We fell to rock bottom from the edges of bliss...
You think I used youTo fill in a void
Motivated my fears of what
Could be destroyed
and that hurts me more than
I can comprehend,
I turn over the page and I'm
Faced with the end and
I cry...I cry...
Angie Hart: Blue
VIDEO
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nz9HHx4R2R8
LYRICS:
Night Falls
I fall
And where were you?
And where were you?
Warm skin
Wolf grin
And where were you?
I fell into the moon
And it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?
High Tide
InsideThe air is dew
And where were you?
While I I died
And where were you?
I crawled out of the world
And you said I shouldn't stay
I crawled out of the world
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night
Alone?
LINKIN PARK: IN THE END:
VIDEO:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eknJy60i1eY
LYRICS:
(It starts with)One thing /
I don’t know whyIt doesn’t even matter how hard you tryKeep that in mind /
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I knowtime is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on /
but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried /
it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Zeromancer: send me and agel:
VIDEO
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y5aGnfxmctA&feature=PlayList&p=92B68A10D952CE11&index=13
lyrics:
Do you believe in heaven above
Do you believe in love
Don't tell me a lie
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you
Open fire on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defences are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own
And if a girl walks in
And carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
You're looking for love
Calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
You're looking for loveCalling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right nowRight now
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
I CRY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q10iwLuLgc8
I'm torn and I'm broken,
I'm beat down and blue
And I'm drowning in memories
Crawling with you
And I'm puzzled by pieces that
Don't seem to fit
Though I've tried and I've tried,
I can't make sense of it so
I cry...I cry...
I know that I need to just
Leave you alone,
Still I write you a letter and
Call on the phone
But you don't want to Hear from me,
That's plain to see,
soI'll draw my conclusions
Penned by misery and
I cry...I cry...
I used to think nothing happened in vain,
But the reasons stay hidden,
they mock my pain
How did we get here?
I'm clenching my fists
We fell to rock bottom from the edges of bliss...
You think I used youTo fill in a void
Motivated my fears of what
Could be destroyed
and that hurts me more than
I can comprehend,
I turn over the page and I'm
Faced with the end and
I cry...I cry...
Angie Hart: Blue
VIDEO
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nz9HHx4R2R8
LYRICS:
Night Falls
I fall
And where were you?
And where were you?
Warm skin
Wolf grin
And where were you?
I fell into the moon
And it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night?
High Tide
InsideThe air is dew
And where were you?
While I I died
And where were you?
I crawled out of the world
And you said I shouldn't stay
I crawled out of the world
Can I make it right?
Can I spend the night
Alone?
LINKIN PARK: IN THE END:
VIDEO:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eknJy60i1eY
LYRICS:
(It starts with)One thing /
I don’t know whyIt doesn’t even matter how hard you tryKeep that in mind /
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I knowtime is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on /
but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried /
it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Zeromancer: send me and agel:
VIDEO
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y5aGnfxmctA&feature=PlayList&p=92B68A10D952CE11&index=13
lyrics:
Do you believe in heaven above
Do you believe in love
Don't tell me a lie
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you
Open fire on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defences are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own
And if a girl walks in
And carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
You're looking for love
Calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
You're looking for loveCalling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right nowRight now
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do(~Don't know what to do~)
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
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