today.....

today i feel, well i dont't know how i feel. I feel lost to say the least. I think i am tired, and sad, and just plain frustrated. I can honestly say tho that i regret.
I regret not taking the chance to leave my marriage when i could. I regret taking my marriage vows so seriously. really i do.
And i know ppl won't beleive this but i used my husband. I did. i used him so that i would notbe alone. i accepted him back into my life so that he in turn would not be alone either out of pity. but was it also out of love? i took him back when i felt nothing strong for him. i mean I have feelings for him, i know. But are they love? i don't know anymore. all i know is i am sick, and tired.
I've come to a point where i am seriously examining my life. Only problem is, I am not sure what to think anymore. I have all these bitter feelings inside, unresolved feelings. Stuff that i just shoved down and chose to ignore. stuff thathas since surfaced as toxic waste in an emotional wasteland!
so now i find myself contemplating divrce. to the point where i have it mostly planned.
but do i relly want a divorce?
I know My husband loves me, and altho i care for him.... do i love him> I dunno. Do i see a future with him?
I used to, but now.... now i don't know.
I can't have children with him. I can't. Not w/ what i found 2 yrs ago.... a disgusting and twisted (to say the least) story my husband wrote of himself raping and killing a child. I don't care what you say, fantasy or not finding something like that about your spose of 7 yrs (well 4 married and 3 together b4) strips you and leaves you wounded. don't get me wrong, we've both sought help since the discovery of the story, but the long term effects of finding such a peice of absulutly disgustingly f%*&$#d up shit i fear have hit me. I don't trust him anymore. i also have no rspect for him. but can it be rergained? an i learn to repect, trust, and so fall i ove again with musband.
and it's not just a metter of can it is more like
WHY should i?
Welll tommorow we'll have "the tlk" and lay everything bare. Hopefull I can figre out what to do sum there.