life looks a little better....

It's hard to explain really, how i feel. it's like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I can honestly say i feel happy... for the first time i feel happy. with me, with life, with everything.... except one. Can't shake that feeling of failure. I guess i am just that stupid sumtimes, no matter how hard sumething gets i just don't want to call it quits. I have no idea where it comes from, and to tell you the truth it is damn annoying! and painful too.... still......
I know i did the right thing.
inside i had become numb. i was fading, and fast, slowly i was disappearing. i wanted to disappear, to be nothing. to be alone. because i felt that nobody wanted me. i wasn't worth wanting. and then a little whisper in my mind would start....
"theres got to be more......" AND "don't do it"
I can honestly say that one main reason i didn't do something stupid was because of my faith. I loved God too much and trusted God too much to take my life. It was foolish to think and thank God I had some sense in me. theres a movie called Escaflowne, its an anime. the main character, the girl well.. i saw a lot of myself in her..... she too was contemplating suicide but stopped short (thankfully) then was given a choice to save or destroy the world.... only difference between her and i is i chose to destroy mine.
I still have a hard time believing what I've done. it just seems so surreal. leaving my husband was the best and worst thing i've ever done in my life. It just feels so selfish. and i know it's not (come on what so selfish about wanting happiness and wanting to leave a toxic relationship...) but try telling my heart that. it just see His tears, his pain, and i want to make it all better, i want to make it all go away. but i can't. pity is not grounds for a marriage. there was too much he promised and broke, there was too much pain and not enuff healing...
his addictions are his life, his love. he felt it was fine. he didn't need to be fixed.... he felt he was fine. he lied to me to try and keep me... and our marriage, yes it could've been so much more. but i just got so tired of giving and not getting, i got so tired of being the one trying to keep picking up Humpty Dumpty's pieces... i was tired of being alone in a marriage made for two but being kept afloat by one.
I was so alone.
These days i wish Mae was here. I wish i could talk to her. She would know just what to say. i mean i have other friends, but they're not my Mae. And as long as she was around I wa snot alone. I had her.... when she died i realised how alone i had become. She told me to be careful b4 i Took my husband back, to watch for change..... and i didnt. I just took him back..... If she were here i know she'd have that finger pointed and would be biting her tongue waitinf to say "you shoulda listed to me" but in her gentle way, nevere saying such amean thing.
I love my husband, I hate what he does..... i have to stay strong. To break free.. there is more....
I can't go back. as much as i hate change , as much as i want to just accept what is wrong instead of accepting what is right i have to push those feeling away. I need to understand that what we had was not a marriage. it was lies. I have to try and change my life for me to be happy. It was time to say goodbye a long time ago......i just only had the strength to do it recently is all.
I am happier now, i feel better then i have ina while. I look in the mirror and i smile. I am singing again. I want to write, to draw again... i feel the old me coming back. this is a good sign that this was something that was a good idea!Leaving my husband was the best thing i have ever done for me. and altho i feel a little guilty, and like sumwhat if a failure (nobody gets married to divorce) i know these feelings will eventually be replaced by love for myself, for life, and and understanding that i did all i could do....
it's all good. I can do this. i can break free. I can stay away this time. I am embracing the change instead of retreating into the old and familiar..... I have no second thoughts. I know i am doing what is right, it is just so hard to change is all. no matter how bad thongs were at least i was familiar with it... this is all so unknown and therefor so hard.