HERE I GO AGAIN.......

FUCK EM! I can do this on my own, no family. FUCKE EM! I saw them as family, saw their mother as my mother and when things get hairy the choose HIS (my husband's)side, don't look me in the eyes, and well, make me feel lke shit. and i know nobody can make me feel like shit, my feelings are my own its just that..... they were family and i know if their Mom were here she'd have my back... if anything HE would get the cold shoulder.
Nos econd thought tho. It just hurts is all. I mean i am leaving my husband because i want happiness. i don't care what anybody says, i tried.... and failed. just that simple. I tired ti deny who he was, i tried to deny it. and look where i got to. hurt. i also learned that as much as he may love me, he loves his addictions more. physical touch, emotional love, sex, friendship.... it has all gone out the window long ago. and to tell you the truth i am sick of trying to keep putting together the peices of humpty dumpty...... i've had enuff.
i am taking ownership of my life.
i have held back for too long, i've fought this feeling of living a lie for too long. life is not meant to be one long suicidal thought. it is not meant to be full of feelings of self hate. i am sick of feelinf so alone in my marriage. i am sick of not feeling like i a beutiful, and worth something.
i am sick.
i just want , i just...... i just want to feel loved, for once in my life i want to belong i want to know that i am worth something that i am not disposable!
do you know what it is like to feel alone ina sea of ppl?
do yo know what it is like to think that you are so terrible and awful that nobody in your life has ever really wanted you?
my dad-` at 11 chode his wife, my step mom, over me and sent me to live with my mother. i saw him maybe once a yr, got the ocassional call.... he had his family. and i wasn't in it.
my mother, had her life. i was a burdon. i had to learn to be strong, to grow up. she never had a lot of emotional love from her parents and in turn didnt shower it upon me. my theatre, something that wasd deeply dear to me was too boring to support. my life, was my life and didnt need her involed.
my step dad.... eventually after him anfd mom divorced he chose his new life over me too... after promising i woulfd always be like his daughter.
My Mae.... died. she made me blong. took me under her wing, gave me love, treated me like a dgtr. was there for me on my night b4 my wedding when none of my family was.
my husband....... stopped caring. let his addictions become his only love. ignored me. made promises to change then lied about them. never got help for his sick fantasies....
the only one who has never let me down is Jesus.
and altho i know i belong to him..... i just..... i dunno.
pple leave me. ppl reject me. ppl just ...... i dunno.
i just want to be loved. for me. and for once, would like to be important to somebody. and i wouldlike to stop having to be the one in charge so much. i would like to stop picking up peices, i may be independant but i have had to fight for all i have. i've had to always take care of me and everybody else. and i am just so tired.
i left him because staying was a form of self abuse. staying was living a lie. living a loveless marriage. trying to force somthing to work.
that was never meant to.
i guess i am stubborn that way.
at least i chose to end it b4 kids came along.
at least i ended it b4 i ended it.
i reached out for help.
and will continue to
i am searching. for me i guess. life is too short to live as somebody else. i don't know who i am anymore....i cocooned myself for so log hiding my true feelings and my true self for so long i don't know where to start....
i am scared to see that leave. i am scared to open up. and i am scared of myself.
i got told tonite i have a wild side, one that i keep in check. and i know i have a wild side. trust me. i do. but will i let it out. not unless i want to fuck evey man in site, drink till i drop and live a life of regrets! no. i think my wild side is perfectly fine where it is... thank yo very much..... controlled.
but that just brings me around to a good point. i spent so much time controlling myself it is hard to let go. it is hard to just be myself.
but who am i?
i have struggled with that question for at least 2 yrs now. when my husband and i first almost divorced i went thru an identity crisis. i was his wife. but who else was i? and i was too scared so i took him back w.out looking for proof of change or even without finding out who i was.... now i am faced with the same questions.....
who am i?
and the truth is.... i have spent so long hiding i really don't know who i am any more. and tell yo the truth i am so scared of what i'll find, maybe i'll just keep hiding.
lonliness, altho painful, can be familiar.... comforting. and is very tempting. i rely wonder if i have the stregnth to do this....
can i break free?
can i find me?
or will i just chose to sink right back into that pit of lonliness and familiarity that was my marriage.....
i hope not. i desperatly hope i can stay strong this time.
for my sake, and sanity, and health.... and well bing in general.