its done.....

I did it.... i moved out. got my clothes, my music, my bathroom stuff and finally... my cats.
now, now i can say i have left him. its feels strange, to say the least. i am happy, but sad. i hate him, but care bout him. i won't go back tho. i couldn't, even if i wanted to- which i don't- it would not work. still, i felt a pang of anger combined with fear when i saw that army recruitment cd tonight. means he's ready too. means he's really starting to realize its thru too. means hes realized he has a need to grow up and the army is his plan i guess. and as much as i dislike him right now, the thought of him joining the military and possibly going overseas scares the shit out of me. what if he dies? and i know i dont love him the way he is, but i loved him once. nobody marries to get divorced. he'll always have a place in my heart. he'll never get back into my heart, but he'll always have a place in it. and if something ever happened to him... well i dunno what'd i do. I wish we could've worked things out. i wish i could've stayed with him, had his children, lived the happy little life together.... but i couldn't. his life is his addiction. my dreams were torn apart when i read that story, the fantasy of raping and killing a child. i tried to get over that, and i couldn't. we were living a loveless relationship- void of even loving touch, loving words, loving actions, well just void of love. and as badly as i want children, as much as i want to be a mother..... i won't be able to have his children. we have no future together. we have drifted apart, we fought as hard as we could and failed. I lost the will to go on and be hurt again.....
maybe he'll smarten up, meet a nice girl, have family.
i hope he does,
as for me, i dunno. maybe my heart will mend, and maybe it won't. maybe one day i'll marry again and have a family, maybe i won't. i just dunno.
i don't think anybody realizes just how much i really wish we coulda worked things out. but there comes a point when you have to stop hurting yourself. when you have to say enuff is enuff.
it was painful to be with him.
painful to be without him.
he... was painful.

i wish him the best, as for me. i am on a journey to find me again. to regain something of myself. i am on a journey to heal me. to make me whole. i am finally free. i am free. and it feels bitter sweet. painful but wonderful all at once.

it feels good tho, to be free. but now i am left thinking.... now what.

when the dreams are finally dead...
when the love you had has turned to bitterness....
when the world you knew has finally come crashing about you...
what do you do?
cry?
sing for joy?
yell and scream in anger?

i don't know. all i know is i have never felt so aloe as i did when i was in my marriage. and now, now i feel somewhat happier. because its the end. the end has finally come. and i can take comfot int the fact that life will and does go on..... without him.
I can smile now.
it may take a while to creep up in the corners, but its there....
happiness.
peace.
hope.
i can do this. i can do this on my own.
it may take a while, but eventually i'll be fine. i'll love again. this feeling now sucks! it sucks horse shite! but , it'll get better. the future looks brighter.