D-day (Decision day...)

He's still sleeping. But i have an idea where this is gonna go. after yesterday, i fell tired like never b4. after yrs of trying and bottling it up, i think i have and answer.... and it is not pretty.

He lied. Plain and simple. he lied. Told me he wanted to get over his addictions, told me he had a problem, told me he wanted help and was getting help FOR HIM, NOT ME! Then yesterday admitted he didn't think he had a problem w/ drugs, that it was all just social, and was going to the meetings just so i wouldn't "freak" on him.... Here we go again. All my other thoughts about relapse were just suspicions until now. But w/ that said ... well he may not have drugs yet, but he's about to. admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, convincing yourself you are in control and have no problem is the first step (the biggest too mind you) to relapse! That's the "danger will Robinson danger!" signal going off. And do i wanna stick around to pick up the pieces again? like I've done soooooo many times b4?
the answer...
is no.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt too many f***king times! I've made myself sick, I've suffered, and hurt too much. NO MORE!
Trust, is out the window
respect, is gone
and like a line in a popular movie (gladiator) goes
"if they have lied to me then they do not respect me. if the do not respect me then how can they trust me? if they do not trust me then how can they love me?".... or something like that, i can't remember word for word but that was the gist of it....
that's the biggest thing right there. I just feel like there's gotta be more, ya know? like this can't be it? this can't be love? is it all supposed to be fighting constantly, and hurting, and pain? and this is not a case of "oh the grass looks greener over there, lets go try it" no its more like " over here i have done all i can to save the environment but now it is apocalyptic and i really should find some higher ground or something!"
and the worst part....
he sees nothing wrong. he has no addiction and as for my opinions on our "loveless marriage" he thinks this is what marriage is. just being together is a marriage apparently.
I've told him yesterday that we are in a loveless marriage. He does not meet my needs emotionally, sexually, or otherwise. I have a quasi roommate... comes up once in a while, pays rent, then leaves....is that a marriage? according to him, just being together is married. I told him as desperately as i want to have children, i WILL NOT BRING THEM INTO A LOVELESS MARRIAGE! NO WAY! I prefer NOT to contribute to the dysfunctional family list, thank you very much. besides that, having his child would forever connect me to him, and i really don't want that. not the way he is. and that right there..... was how i found my answer!
and then, then there were the comments... a few days ago he dug himself in the hole by, well to put it bluntly, saying i was not pretty enough to get a job as a waitress, he later re-iterated this remark when i told him it hurt my feelings, and then the third time was yesterday... well he saw nothing wrong w/ his remark as according to him i just simply did not have that body type!
WHAT THE F%&K!!! so i gave him another chance and explained, not all waitresses are 5'5 and 100lbs, sexy and beautiful are not limited to size, i may be overweight but i am by no means obese or ugly and that just because i don't have that body shape doesn't mean i couldn't be a waitress. he said the same thing again... so its not like i didn't give himself a chance to redeem himself. i even went so far as to explain it SEVERAL times how i felt, and how it hurt my feelings. and not even a simple apology from him, rather he defended his point of view! ]
we have nothing in common anymore... and what we had before he has abandoned. i have tried spending time w/ him... but to no avail. I have made an effort to get to know and spend time w/ his friends, but he has not don't the same for me. My family all hate him, and i ended up choosing him over them. his reply to that is that is how it should be.... what i am supposed to cut off all my family for his sake?
i am sick of being nothing but a source of income. I am sick of thinking i am a terrible person because it must be me, why else would he not love me? I treat him terribly, i know. I yell i scream, i fight, and all because i am so bitter of what has happened. I still hurt when i think that he wrote that sick disgusting story, why that? and how many times he's relapsed and I've picked up the pieces. I was soooo stupid last yr. I was told to look for EVIDENCE of change b4 i accepted him back into my life and i was sooooo stupid that i didn't look long or hard enuf and look what happened now. surprise! it was fake!
there has got to be more then this! this is not love!
i am just so tired.... the only reason i didnt kill myself 2 yrs ago when i found that stupicd story was because of my faith! and that i knew suicide (aka slef murder) was selfish, and not an answer! but the fact i've thought about suicide.... that can;t be good can it?
I just feel so terrible right now. I feel like a failure. Like i've failed God, myself and my husband. I feelike if i just treated him better then maybe he wouldnt want weed. mayvbe if i didnt fight with him he would love himself more. maybe if i was a better person he would be happier and in turn want me and treat me better. I just feellike this is all my fault. maye if i was stong enuff for the both of us, maybe if i did just have a kid, maybe if i worked harder at this marriage, maybe if i got counsilling, maybe if i looke sexier... prettier, then maybe... maybe he'd love me more then the weed. maybe he'd ljust love me.
I feel like he's got differnt morals then me now. I feel like we've gone 2 ways, and i am to blame. I should have talked more, i should have loved him more... i should have prayed more, i should have talked to my pastirs, gitten them involed. i should have, and i didnt. and now look where he is. he;s relapsing... and it is all my fault. I hate myself. whats have i done? i have failed.
and my friends i fthe read this would yell and scream at me for thinking about me that way, but i can't help it. .... i am just so tired.... i just, i just don'twant to be hurt agin. If i keep going back i am only enabling him and his bhaviors. I i gues what i am saying is... if he says he wants to make thins work, than i'm goingto tell him we need a break... not a separateion but a break. Time for me to watch him, look for evidence of change, then maybe we can make this work. If he doesnt see a proble, then were thru. either way, i am not going to keep blaming myself and taking it all upon me to fix it. It is now up to him....
i can't beleive i am sayingthis tho...
i honestly dont think he's up to the task.We will most likly end up divorcing...
there is a faint gilmmer of hope tho....
either way i am truting God to pick up the peices. no matter what He will kake it all better. I trust In Jesus!
good by for now....
today,
i cry alone... again.
but at least God, some of my fiends, and anybody who reads this will know.... so i suppose i won't be crying entirely alone. I've carried this for far too long. I am glad it is out in the open....
Lets see what he ahs to say when he wakes up... today..
is D-day
decision day!