another day, another day.... and well, another day...

Today was just one of those days.... last night i picked up more of my stuff. and now my room is pretty well on its way to being finished. Things are starting to come together, but it doesn't make things any easier. and today was just another one of those days. Maybe i was just tired, maybe i was on a pity parade, maybe i was a little heart broken... or maybe all three. but today was blah! quite the contrast compared to the other night. I had fun! I actually felt like my old self. I went out with my friend Allen till like 2am... we walked and talked and well, it was fun! Oh my god, the scenery was beautiful. a full moon lit up the sky. we found this meadow and the mist was just hanging slightly over the ground and it looked like silver! it was so peaceful, i wished his wife Emily was there too so she could see it too and experience th shear beauty of it all! i was so relaxed! it was like as long as i stayed right there, in that field, under that moon, with those stars, i could forget and just relax. i wouldn't have cared if i was all alone, because i was just that happy with me and with life and with well... everything. the only thing i woulda changed, i woulda worn rubber boots...stupid muddy meadow! but it was so nice to feel the old me coming back... she was gone the next morning when i woke up but at least i know she's in there someplace! just hiding i guess!
I still think about my ex husband a lot but now its not about hurt and anger, more like satisfaction i did all i could've done. that feeling of shame and guilt thankfully is starting to go away. I don't know where it came from, or how its is starting to go away and i am glad it is!
I really don't think i will ever be ready to have another relationship again.... nor marriage. just friendships. I couldn't give away my heart again.... to much pain. I am not so scared of being alone now. I realized that too the other night while walking. I know that i may eventually change but for now.... i think i am happiest alone. nobody can hurt you if they arent there right? I know that sounds stupid... and maybe i am just trying to convince myself hat alone is better or maybe i really mean it, i am not sure. right now my moods, my feelings, my life it's all mixed up.... its interesting to say the least. and will not be easy to find myself..... but i'll keep trying. at least i have taken the most important step to finding me and my happiness.... i dropped my ex husband and fianlyy saw him for what he was.... he was not for me. hopefully he'll find somebody to love him..... i will alwasy care for him like i do allmy ex relationships.... i just have no feelings of love lke i used too... too many times hurt and too many stupid lies and mean comments etc....

TURMOIL INSIDE: ME
sometimes i feel like i am falling
so far down,
i'll never get up again.
the dark, its comforting.
like an old friend it seeps in, fills me up
keeps me warm
other times i feel like i am soaring
far awaay and so high
everything fades away.
nothing and no one bothers me
i am free.
and still there are times when feel
like nothing.
there is no me, no him, no life,
just plain nothing...
its over now.
but i know its not....
and i go on.