ah shit.....

well... here we go... gotta get my ass out of bed, off the computer and down to the old apartment. Gotta clean it up, grab my guppy aqaurium and see the Land lords make sure they give my half of the security deposit to me and not the the ex! oh joy and happiness!
Brought allen with me the other night as my ex demanded i be avail on wednesday night to got thru the last of the stuff.... oh, by the way "hey! jerk off! Give me back my photo albulms, big hug mug and movies!" anyways, getting back.... so yeah went back to the old apartment with allen (the boyyfriend, date, ummm.. person i'm seeing ? shit! what is he?) anyways, my ex never looked more wore down. and i.... well i turned into this bitch of a monster! no really, i was cruel. snapped at him, and well shoved this all in his face. allen looked kinda worried. so when my ex left the room i A) apologised to allen and B) asked allen if i was a bitch and what he thought if i apologosed to my ex for my actions..... so i apologised. I am usually so sensative, and nice to ppl. and if i get mad i get mad on my blog and cry alone afterwards... i don't like treating ppl terribly ( as much as they may have hurt me) so i got scared when i saw myself as this bitchy monster ripping my ex's throat out! I have to let go of this bitterness and hurt i feel. I may not love my ex, i may be over him, I may know we're thru but still gives me no right to treat him less then human. I hope he's ok....
speaking of human, i had a "soul to soul" connection ( as i like to call them) with a woman over the phone at work thursday. She had her utilities cut off and so got me as i would be the one to tell her what to pay, where to go, and then eventually hook her up again. right away i knew something was wrong, her voice sounded so distant... so empty when she gave her account info and then when i asked her how i could help she lost it. apparently her husband and her were separated now. and she was left to pay off all the bills on her own. he paid nothing! she was balling her eyes out over the phone ( which is normal) and i was about to take control of the call and empathize and get her told what needed to be done when she blurted out "this is how you hear of ppl committing suicide" followed by "i can't take this anymore" followed by " i want to got out to the street" and something in her voice called out to me, touched my heart and soul and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she meant it.... she was contemplating suicide. over a man who left her, and a life she felt so overwhelmed in! i immediately used her first name ( fuck! i didnt care if i failed the call, i'm sorry i think her life was a bit more important then my call quality score!) told her to talk to me, to let it all go. told her i knew where she was, and trust me i knew. I contemplated suicide over my ex too. wanted to end it all as i felt like if he didnt want me, then i wasnt worth having, felt so alone, so afraid. but my faith kept me from doing it. this woman, was saying exactly the same things- except for the faith part. altho she was screaming out to jesus! God, the tears, the things she said, it was so real and so frightening. at one point she said she was going outside to the street until i begged her to stay in. she did. by that point my team manager FINALLY made an appearnce, followed by my one of my support staff. i was shaking, adrenaline rush maybe? my voice remained calm, quiet, reasuring.... i was doing my best to reach her, touch her, let her know she was not alone.... my body tho, wa sshaking so uncontrolably and my heart, felt like it was going to burst out! I could feel my chest tightening, i could see only a bur infront of me... and all i could hear was her voice. her pain. her life.... scary.
in the end i managed to calm her down enuff to set up an appointment to reconnect, anda payment arrangment. i told her to call back anytime, that we would ALWAYS work with her to prevent this. then i asked her if she had anybody to talk to.... i had a suicide line ready to go if she said no.... but she said her pastor, i made her promise to call him and to promise she would be there for her apointment. she did. then i called the cops, and they said they'd swing by to chk on her. i tooka 45 min break after that call. i remember calling emeily and allen's place and emily answered the phone. she talked me down, dunno what we talked about, but i know i was so afraid i was going to take a heart attack..... after a while we were laughing and i was fine...... i got back on the phones to type out a note on her account and then went home.... nice way to end the day, eh?
There are so many hurting ppl out ther. all we need to do is open our minds and our hearts! we have to stop being so calloused! touch ppl. make a soul to soul connection....... she was so alone, but she's not now. I promised her i'd pray for her. and i have been. and i always will. her name is burned into my brain. i'll never forget her. if i could, i'd go see her. but i can't... she's in another city over 12 hrd drive away! so's life i guess.....

THE CUSTOMER
step into my head
where fear and loneliness stalk
penetrate my every being.
I am plagued by dark thoughts and
pursued by fear.
If you came in,
what would you do?
could you heal me?
make me whole?
stop me...
hold me.
make me stop.
please

TODAYS THEME SONG......

the first one.... its a teeny bopper song soo shhhh! don't tell!

Hilary Duff - With Love

don't mind you telling me
What's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes I can be
All wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Your the one who keeps me on the ground

[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love

Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love

I can take your honesty
All your words weigh heavily
I'm listening to you all the time
I wanna be there for you
The way you've been there for me
You always help me walk the line
And slow me down
Slow me down
I know you will always be around

[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love

[Bridge]
All this time we finally know eachother
Now that I've been leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that your right when your right
And your wrong when your wrong
I can be weak cause I know you'll be strong

[Chorus x2]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love

Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love

Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love (more)


heres another

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
[Bleeding Love lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

another day.....

So, allen and i had our talk last night...man, why the heall does he have this effect over me? I really don't understand it. So, comfortable. so right. We mentioned blended families again. Thats my dream, my hope. to eventually combine and be one happy familly. No more hiding. I hate the hiding. They are not ready to come out yet, not until they find a polyamourous relationship tht works. But in the meantime, I'm left for the most part to hiding. I hate it. I told allen that last night. I'll give them time, and if they never come out while i'm here thats fine... cus i really don'r know if this will work. Why should the expose themselves to scrutiny and hurt if they don't know if it will work.
Allen and i also talked about where we are. "strong feelings" is how he put it. "attracted" was another. and also, we mentioned we both are aiming for long term. NO idea if it will work out that way, but we want to try. I feel like i've been alone wolf for so long and like i may have finally found my pack (lol! sorry for the metaphore. there's a particular reader who's groaning right now) Or at least i Hope so.
But serious questions are coming up. about having little babies. He's fixed. Got threee kids, doesn't want more. I still don't know if i want children anymore. I mean w/ my ex it wa kinda expected. even tho i wanted to go to school first we'd been togehter for 7 trs and my open heart surgury was thru and well, it was just expected. I mean, It'll be yrs b4 i tackle that bridge. I have to go back to scchool, (4-7 yrs) i need to be in a commited relationship ( again yrs) and i also have my heart to think about. could it handle having children. do i really want to have to go thru another surgury maybe 2..... thanks a lot allen! now you got me thinking!
all I know is my heart sored when allen slipped up and mentioned ( just once) that i was his girlfriend. I felt a sense of contentedness when he told me he was thinking long term. I dearly hope this works. I think, well... i think. no i won't ssay it, not yet. But i will say i find myself still holding back and falling deeper and farther.
emily said she wasshocked i'd had sex cus i said i'd never if the feeling weren't there.... allen and i both agree. they were there. I know i'd never have had sex if they werent. i just, i am holding back. but saturday, was amazing. so connected. so real. so long since i'd felt that. sex always hurt b4. only once it didnt. I had never made love to anybody except my ex husband. I had waitied until marriage. and was neglected to say the least! i never realised what they hpe was about. i know i wasnt completly comfortable and i never connected with my ex completly....
I dont know ehatt hsi all means. and i wonder where it will lead. i feel myself falling faste and harder then i ever have. i'm holding back because i don't want to go too fast... but we already have the friendship, and the intimacy, and now... now he tells me he is thinking long term... and my heart, feels so free. I hope this works. I hope it does. I want it to work. and as for children, it'll be yrs b4 i have to cross that bridge, for now i'll take my time to think that thru.

so happy.
so free....
so...
me

today...

well,
talked things thru w/ allen..... says we have to slow things down for emily's sake. cuddling only. i was so afriad everything was over. i was so scared. I felt so terrible, and so alone. I wa sready to accept life alone again.... i was so hurt tho.., i was so asheamed of what i'd done. Now making love to allen, no that was wonderful. two words.... simutaneous orgasm. yeah. i have never felt so connected. we cuddled and talked and connected on a level i never knew existed. the cuddling was the best part... god it felt so damn good. at that moment my soul felt so free. i felt like i was soaring. i felt like nothing bad ever had or ever would happen. i was safe. finally. i was safe, and happy. and connected.
and emily,we talked tonite. she says she's ok... why do i not quite believe her. she still seems so hurt. i am still expecting her to say enuff is enuff and ask us to stop- to be apart. I suppose thats my 2nd biggest fear. and it came to life the other night. my biggest fear is well... losing 2 dear friends.
ever since the other night i keep thinking
What the hell have i gotten myself into? I desperately hope i haven't ruined a friendship. We talked about a lot tonight. I told her i understand, and i do, about how she's feeling. apparently she had no idea allen and i were getting "physical" and apparently allen and i should have talked with her fisrt. i thought she knew how far this was, and i thought allen had spoken with her.
when she spoke with me the other night i felt so terrible. i cried myself to sleep the other night.... well actually first i did push ups and sit ups until i felt nothing except physical pain. I had to block out what i was feeling inside and i also felt that i had to hurt myself in some way to atone for hurting emily. so i worked out. I did until i felt my heart was going to explode out of my chest. i did until i collapsed on my bed and slept the way i had fallen.... my sides and stomach still hurt.
I know this isn't rebound.... but still i need to take a step back. examine. make sure i'm not in over my head. I was over my ex a long time ago. it just took a long time b4 i had the strength to set myself free... and in many ways i am still bound, still waiting for somebody to save me.

SAVE ME
save me
from myself
from my past
save me from a life
of hurt and pain.
of love and hate
of shame.

MY SAVIOR
My life
is a self sacrifice
meant to be alone i suppose
i only hurt those i love
and in turn hurt myself
I turn to no one
i feel only pain
it makes me feel alive.
trust is an illusion.
happiness is fleeting.
these are my thoughts.
this is my life.
so take me
heal me
show me who i should be
and tell me everything will be fine
i want to beleive in more.
save me

SHIT HAPPENS- I DEAL
"so what?"
i yell to the wind.
"is that all you got?"
I challenge the thunder
"just try and take me on"
I scream at the lightning
"I'll survive"
I cry as the rain hides my tears

Oh, allen just walked in, time to throw on the smile again.... he's drunk.... oh dear....oh tender monet, we're going to talk more tommrow, when he's sober. kinda scared bout what he's got to say. that look in his eyes, says it's all good. my heart is till scared tho.... i hear myself saying "please dont hurt me"
well anyways that leads me to one thought tho.... allen is fixed. hmmm, i have to rethink sumthing...do I want a family eventually. imean, if i do decide to spend time w/ allen ,if we do decide on a commited plyamourous relationship....if i do How is that going to work? do i seek another person....or what? to tell you the truth I honestly don't know. and how should i. I have no idea where this is going. I have no idea what this is. I am just going with the flow. all i know is i like what i feel and i am falling.... and that when emily mentioned wanting a blended family eventually my heart soared with hope..... i dont plan too far ahead anymore but still..... it made my heart soar.....
some part of me tells me that i should wait. That my heart can't handle this. and maybe that part is right but right now all i know is this feels so damn good. I have always felt so alone..... always one my own. and now i feel so safe. wanted. loved? I hope so. and even if not.... i really dont want to think it.... but even if not, its all good. even if it is only meant to be a short while....

ALLEN
hmmm....
they call it Novocaine for the heart
i call it sweet bliss.
they say its too soon
i say its too late
and i fall deeper and farther
out of cotrol
into your arms.
i hope you'll catch me as i fall.

Fuck.....shit happened, now i gotta deal, and move on

I feel so sick right now. and hurt...... i caused my friend pain. I hurt Emily..... Allen and I decided to try seeing what this all was... and last night, we made love. Emily knew from the beginning, they are polyamourous and I wanted to try polyamoury too.....but when she found out how far it'd gone, she took it hard. and as such.... I'm left in no mans land. I can't handle this. I feel like I've had happiness dangled inf front of me and then torn away. I always say happiness for me is fleeting, i hoped this time would be different. I have never felt more afraid, and i think it would be best if i just ended this b4 it got to be anything else.... i mean it may never have gotten that afar but just in case, I'll push away. I don't want to be hurt and i don't think my heart, or my sanity could take it if she keeps up thsi yo-yo-ing... I think I'll just be alone for a while. and i am so sad, because i really wanted to see where this was going. I was just starting to open up. I was just staring to feel safe, and liek i belonged.... for the first tike in so long i felt like i beonged. like i was wanted, and not something not worth enuff to keep around or be loved....and now.... now i am scared and scarred again..... i feel so sick right now. I did my best not to show it, i can be skilled at burying feelings and i will just have to do that... for Emily's sake.... and for mine. I won't do this to myself. I won't get attached and then have her change her mind. I won't risk 2 of my dearest friends. I don't let many ppl in my life for a reason.... I tend to hurt and be hurt. If i don't let anyone in, if i just keep them all away... i'll be fine. shit happens, i deal. just that simple. oh, here Emily comes downstairs.. putting on a smile now, looking like i am just casually typing away at nothing instead of pouring my heart and soul out onto this blog.... see, it can be done. I lived many yrs w/ the secret of my abuse, i lived many yrs in a loveless marriage.... shoving feelings down and faking happiness... thats nothing. so thats what i'll do. I'll be fine in time. The numbness can actually be quite comforting. being alone, is ok. and eventually i'll trust myself and my heart enuff and then maybe i'll decide to try another time with sumbody else......
but god it felt so good. so comfy. so real...... and altho i have no regrets about what we tried to do i will have one regret, that it never had a chance to blossom (possibly) into more...
no regrets.
friends first
I had hope, it's gone for now. it'll come back. and for now.I'll cool my jets, end on a high note (sorta) and try to go back to how it was.... friendship. nothong more. I'll run away. I coccon, i just.... i'll survive. what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. shit happens, deal, move on. I think i'll put a rush on getting outtta here,,,, gotta get the fuck outta dodge, if you get my drift. and again, i'll cry alone. i'll depend on me. and only me. and even then, i'll keep me in check. I'll put upmy walls. and i'll survive......
like i always have.
so now, i must plan..... i need to budget, and save and maybe... maybe i'll take my mom's offerr and move to ottawa. or better yet, bc.... get away from all this madness and pain. start over. start alone. leave every one and everything behind. then i won't be fucked over.... or fucked up.... or for that matter.... fucked.
I know it was more then just good sex..... and i... i wish.... i wish...... i wish... i couldv'e experienced it longer.... but i became too emotionally attached. I risked too much- i wore my wounded heart on my sleeve and now its been stabbed again.... and now. I'll hide it. hide me. and well.... heal. by myself.
as usual, here i go again. on this road. alone.
fuck em... fuck em all.... right?

HEAVY......

HMMMMM.... not sure just what to do. I know i feel like running latlely. running away. hiding. i'm terrified. I am so scared that i'll be hurt. scared of what might happen and even scared about what might not. i'm just scared.
I could shut down again. just take a step back, retreat into myself. it would be so easy. so familiar. and safe. just do like i did a few yrs ago.... just me.... my church..... me. and a lot of ppl would never be the wiser. because i wouldn't let them get close enough to know.
you cant get hurt.... if you're alone.
i'm not in a pity mood... i am seriously just scared. I am so afraid.....
at least i know i'll never go back to him- my ex that is. that much i am confident in. i got strong, i was bitter, then sad, and now... satisfied. he's gone from my life.
but as for me..... i dont know. i did something stupid. i admited some of my feelings to allen. and altho he said it was fine, that words couldnt convey his thoughts..... i was never more afraid. I feel myself pushing away..... i feel my heat telling me i'm getting too attached and that i'll just end up hurt in the end. happiness for me, has always been fleeting.
i havent had a hard life. i'm better off then a lot of ppl-i realise that-- but still.....
i am surrounded by loneliness at times of my own creation none the less. i have a habit of pushing ppl away when they get too close..... and i am fighting the urge to do that. it is taking every once of stregnth not to push away.
God, i feel so comfortable around him its scary. and i have no idea what this is or where its going, or if it'll last. and i'm trying to go with the flow, to relax but every once and a while ( like yesterday) all the panicked thoughts catch up and then i breakdown and well... its not pretty.
why did i have to let him see..... too soon , its too soon. and too strong. and too frightening, but so nice. so good, and so... famiar....
it strange to fee safe and terrified all at once.
I want to take a chance, sees where thsi leads but by th same token... i am just so scared. it feel too good to be true..... and i hope i don;t run away. i hope i can push thru my shell adn these walls i've built up. its too much, and too little.

what is this?
tell me...
please, i want to know.
tell me...
do you feel?
tell me...
where are we?
tell me...
everything.

TODAYS THEME SONG......

WITHEN TEMPTATION: PALE
LYRICS:
The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.

Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I can't stay.

Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

GROOVE COVERAGE: LET IT BE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vnMmyxDO5aA&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
My life lasts forever
Let me be with you
There's still so much silence
That Im going through
My tears are in heaven
But I must survive
When angels are crying
Im ending my life

Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony

My dream lasts forever
So where are you now
Im searching for nothing
Cause love dies somehow
No tears left in heaven
That help me survive,
The angels were crying,
While I lost my life.


Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony

TODAYS THEM SONG....

CELINE DION: TAKING CHANCES
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRTwOkFsYoE
lyrics:
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know much about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
[Taking Chances lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.

my theme song today and my poem....

well, my poem .... inspired from the theme song for today.... sorry not that original....
HOPE:
Take me away from here.
Let the darkness fade into light.
let your warmth surround me
even if its only for a short while
come, enter.
Take me away from this place
lead me someplace new.
I want to be free.
Show me what I've been missing
let darkness fade to light.

and my theme song... it's a little blunt... kinda glad i'm the only one who reads this..... Fuck! I'd be too scared to let anybody see this theme song! its just a wee bit blunt!

Within Temptation: enter
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbdlPaaoG_8&mode=related&search=
lyrics:
The gates of time have opened,
Now, it's chains are broken.
An ancient force unleashed again

As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
It takes me away, away from here

Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.

As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
The stars above are lying at my feet.

Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.

a theme song for him....

a them song for him..... for yesterday, and for all i'd ever felt.... yes felt. because i feel a lot different now. I didnt fail him. he failed me... and i am so over him :) he used to destroy and condemn, both himself and myself....i often wonder why? he saw the negative, no positive... he hurt me in ways i pray i will never be hurt again.... i did my best. and i am glad its over! finally, over. I had the strength to take that leap. to get away. to say enuff is enuff. and i failed nobody. quite to the contrary i was true to myself!

within temptation: destroyed

video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-I2Ft1HuEI&NR=1
lyrics:
I did my best to please you
But my best was never good enough
Somehow you're only able to see
All I am not

Did you ever look behind
Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find
I have failed you
but you have failed me too

[Chorus]
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
do you ever wonder if it's justified

It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
in your life why didn't you ever try


I close my eyes as I walk the thin line
between love and hate
For the person with the same blood in his veins

You show no regrets
about all the things you did or said
I have failed you
but believe me
you failed me too

today.....

Today, i feellike me. I am happy. I am still overwhealmed but I'm happy. I've decided to pursure "something" with allen. His Wife and he are plyamorous. I researched it some when they first told mw, I wanted to know what my friends were involed with. Just like when my friend Ruth decided to convert to islam, i researched it. I am Not sure how this will work, if it will lead to anything, or what it is i'm feeling. But i want to pursue it. I've always had some kind of feelings for Allen. I won't say love- because LOve takes time and love is a strong word to use so soon. But i've always felt an attraction. I just could push it aside and have a functional friendship! At first when i met Allen I thought it was infactuation. I thought "he's hot. He's got a sweet personality and is good person. its infactuation, thats all" but it didnt go away. Then later i thought "it's an emotional bond. You don't have one with your (ex) husband, you feel confortable around allen and have talked to him about some of your deepest thoughts that you could not talk with anybody else about.... it's and emotional bond" but when things for a short time got better.... still there. and then when i most recently left my ex huisband i thought "you're rebounding. that's all. push the feelings aside again, move on. it'll be fine" but then i realised "how can it be rebound if i've had these feelings from b4 i separated?" and i do call them feelings, because i don't know what else they are. But i want to find out. So i am trying polyamory. because i am open to anything (except same sex, sorry gals... i don't swing that way ) and i really would like to investigate- see where this leads. I trust both my friends. I know that allen and i will take things slow. I know he won't hurt me. and i know that no matter what- we'll always be friends. To think, this all was able to come about when i finally had to courage to ask allen if i could sit close and cuddle. I, was so terrified he'd say no. or that once i got there i'd find out there was nothing but to my surprise and delight, there was something. we don't know what, but there's something. But my happiness doesnt depend on him. it doesn depen don a relationship. i want to make that clear. I am happy because i am true to myself again.... still it helps when you have a hot gentleman (and that is what he is. a gentleman, and a romantic and well...a few other things *wink*) to keep your thoughts occupied! He actually thinks i am pretty. he tells me i'm sexy. he tells me all the things i want to hear, and my heart actually beleives them. You don't know just how bad things are until you find something good in your life. and this is good. I wonder where this will go? I never used to overanylise and be afriad of risk or change..... over the years i used it as a protection. now with allen, i am going back to who i was. and i am happy...and free. I am so curious, what is this and where will it lead? Only time will tell. either way i trust it. and i am happy :)

i FEEL SICK...

Maybe it's the bitch in me coning out, maybe its a bit off untapped anger but either way man do i feel pissed right now. I'm sorry but why must ppl inssist that they know the whole story and that they must comment of my former relationship to the point of actually saying "well you may end up getting back together"....
ummmmm.... wellllll..... what an i say to that.... how bout i bite my toungue cus here's what i am really thinking when ppl say stuff like that....

FUCK... OFF... SHUT UP NOW. YOU DON'T KNOW THE FULL STORY. YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

I mean come on. I think i am a big girl. I know what the fuck divorce means! and boys am i fucking pissed off right now at ppl who say thos stupid fucking words! bunch of dam idiots. when they say stuff like that i want to yell out...

"he likes 14 yr old girls!
he hasnt had sex with me in god knows how long!
there is absolutly no intimacy and he didnt want to get help!
he was a lazy bum!
he was an asshole who paraded around as a nice guy
he was an addict
he was a liar
and a hypocrite...

ya think that would shut their fucking mouths!

but no, i am a nice giel and i wont say those things because of course i dont want to cause a stir, and well all that crap.....anyways...... fuck i'm pissed!


on a better note...
i am happy. pissed off right now. but happy otherwise. been a long time comin and does it feel nice to be happy. and to be me. (threw ya thru a loop? well thats just me. once i get the inital burst out i am fine. it all goes away........ eventually.

TODAYS THEME SONG......

to anybody who thinks that they know what the hell is going on and for anybody who thinks that i am doing the wrong thing or that i am weak! FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE! MY LIFE! MY HAPPINESS! I KNOW WHATS BEST! FUCK OFF!

ONE WAY SYSTEM: LEAVE ME ALONE
Miss a minute, miss an hour
Miss the meeting full of power
Miss the lines of constant depression
Catch my eye, witness my agression
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Not for you, not for me
Save me the humility
Knot the tie, time to fill
Meet you there, not until
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Yes to this, yes to that
Yes it's time to sit back
Three time ten down the line
Fuck you, I'm doing fine
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Fuck off!!!

Self awareness....

I've realized something. altho i am strong enuff to be alone I CHOOSE not to be alone. It's my choice. I am in control. hearts break, hearts mend... My marriage was over a long time ago. I was just too stubborn to see. So while some may think that its only been a few wks and how cld i be over my ex ... i say this... i was "over" him a long time ago... i should never have taken him back but i was so afraid of change, so afraid of loneliness and honestly i wanted to beleive him that he'd change. i wanted everybody to be wrong about him. and i was blinded not by love but by hope and by stubbornness. not only that but my self esteem was so low i honestly didnt think i clould make it on my own. so i went back to what i knew. even tho i knew it was wrong,. I was so stupid! but my senses came around. I realised there had to be more. and there is. and i've never felt better. I feel the old me coning back. I'm back. I am me. and it feels so good.

MORE:
behind me
ruins.
memories and shattered dreams.
broken heart and torn apart
behind me
nothing.
ahead of me
light.
realities of possibilities unspoken
fresh starts and mended wings
ahead
lies more.

CURIOUS:
I don't know what this is.
No idea where it's going.
but i am not scared.
scarred, but not scared
I'll follow it along.
see where it leads
because it has me thinking.
what does it mean.
Who knows.
only time will tell.
but it has me thinking
and i am curious
to say the least.

yesterdays theme songs

well this is a song for the last seven yrs... this is a theme song for my ex! Thankfully, now i do not only see him. i know he is no good for me!
Sarah McLachlan - Stupid

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

[Chorus:]

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

[Chorus]

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

[Chorus]




well.... this is how i felt before... YESTERDAYS LYRICS (SO TO SPEAK) and trust me it is the exact opposite of how i feel now. I"ve figured out a few things, come to peace with myself. but to unserstand how i feel now, you need to see how i felt them :)


3 DOORS DOWN: CHANGES
LYRICS:
I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes