ah shit.....

well... here we go... gotta get my ass out of bed, off the computer and down to the old apartment. Gotta clean it up, grab my guppy aqaurium and see the Land lords make sure they give my half of the security deposit to me and not the the ex! oh joy and happiness!
Brought allen with me the other night as my ex demanded i be avail on wednesday night to got thru the last of the stuff.... oh, by the way "hey! jerk off! Give me back my photo albulms, big hug mug and movies!" anyways, getting back.... so yeah went back to the old apartment with allen (the boyyfriend, date, ummm.. person i'm seeing ? shit! what is he?) anyways, my ex never looked more wore down. and i.... well i turned into this bitch of a monster! no really, i was cruel. snapped at him, and well shoved this all in his face. allen looked kinda worried. so when my ex left the room i A) apologised to allen and B) asked allen if i was a bitch and what he thought if i apologosed to my ex for my actions..... so i apologised. I am usually so sensative, and nice to ppl. and if i get mad i get mad on my blog and cry alone afterwards... i don't like treating ppl terribly ( as much as they may have hurt me) so i got scared when i saw myself as this bitchy monster ripping my ex's throat out! I have to let go of this bitterness and hurt i feel. I may not love my ex, i may be over him, I may know we're thru but still gives me no right to treat him less then human. I hope he's ok....
speaking of human, i had a "soul to soul" connection ( as i like to call them) with a woman over the phone at work thursday. She had her utilities cut off and so got me as i would be the one to tell her what to pay, where to go, and then eventually hook her up again. right away i knew something was wrong, her voice sounded so distant... so empty when she gave her account info and then when i asked her how i could help she lost it. apparently her husband and her were separated now. and she was left to pay off all the bills on her own. he paid nothing! she was balling her eyes out over the phone ( which is normal) and i was about to take control of the call and empathize and get her told what needed to be done when she blurted out "this is how you hear of ppl committing suicide" followed by "i can't take this anymore" followed by " i want to got out to the street" and something in her voice called out to me, touched my heart and soul and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she meant it.... she was contemplating suicide. over a man who left her, and a life she felt so overwhelmed in! i immediately used her first name ( fuck! i didnt care if i failed the call, i'm sorry i think her life was a bit more important then my call quality score!) told her to talk to me, to let it all go. told her i knew where she was, and trust me i knew. I contemplated suicide over my ex too. wanted to end it all as i felt like if he didnt want me, then i wasnt worth having, felt so alone, so afraid. but my faith kept me from doing it. this woman, was saying exactly the same things- except for the faith part. altho she was screaming out to jesus! God, the tears, the things she said, it was so real and so frightening. at one point she said she was going outside to the street until i begged her to stay in. she did. by that point my team manager FINALLY made an appearnce, followed by my one of my support staff. i was shaking, adrenaline rush maybe? my voice remained calm, quiet, reasuring.... i was doing my best to reach her, touch her, let her know she was not alone.... my body tho, wa sshaking so uncontrolably and my heart, felt like it was going to burst out! I could feel my chest tightening, i could see only a bur infront of me... and all i could hear was her voice. her pain. her life.... scary.
in the end i managed to calm her down enuff to set up an appointment to reconnect, anda payment arrangment. i told her to call back anytime, that we would ALWAYS work with her to prevent this. then i asked her if she had anybody to talk to.... i had a suicide line ready to go if she said no.... but she said her pastor, i made her promise to call him and to promise she would be there for her apointment. she did. then i called the cops, and they said they'd swing by to chk on her. i tooka 45 min break after that call. i remember calling emeily and allen's place and emily answered the phone. she talked me down, dunno what we talked about, but i know i was so afraid i was going to take a heart attack..... after a while we were laughing and i was fine...... i got back on the phones to type out a note on her account and then went home.... nice way to end the day, eh?
There are so many hurting ppl out ther. all we need to do is open our minds and our hearts! we have to stop being so calloused! touch ppl. make a soul to soul connection....... she was so alone, but she's not now. I promised her i'd pray for her. and i have been. and i always will. her name is burned into my brain. i'll never forget her. if i could, i'd go see her. but i can't... she's in another city over 12 hrd drive away! so's life i guess.....

THE CUSTOMER
step into my head
where fear and loneliness stalk
penetrate my every being.
I am plagued by dark thoughts and
pursued by fear.
If you came in,
what would you do?
could you heal me?
make me whole?
stop me...
hold me.
make me stop.
please