Fuck.....shit happened, now i gotta deal, and move on

I feel so sick right now. and hurt...... i caused my friend pain. I hurt Emily..... Allen and I decided to try seeing what this all was... and last night, we made love. Emily knew from the beginning, they are polyamourous and I wanted to try polyamoury too.....but when she found out how far it'd gone, she took it hard. and as such.... I'm left in no mans land. I can't handle this. I feel like I've had happiness dangled inf front of me and then torn away. I always say happiness for me is fleeting, i hoped this time would be different. I have never felt more afraid, and i think it would be best if i just ended this b4 it got to be anything else.... i mean it may never have gotten that afar but just in case, I'll push away. I don't want to be hurt and i don't think my heart, or my sanity could take it if she keeps up thsi yo-yo-ing... I think I'll just be alone for a while. and i am so sad, because i really wanted to see where this was going. I was just starting to open up. I was just staring to feel safe, and liek i belonged.... for the first tike in so long i felt like i beonged. like i was wanted, and not something not worth enuff to keep around or be loved....and now.... now i am scared and scarred again..... i feel so sick right now. I did my best not to show it, i can be skilled at burying feelings and i will just have to do that... for Emily's sake.... and for mine. I won't do this to myself. I won't get attached and then have her change her mind. I won't risk 2 of my dearest friends. I don't let many ppl in my life for a reason.... I tend to hurt and be hurt. If i don't let anyone in, if i just keep them all away... i'll be fine. shit happens, i deal. just that simple. oh, here Emily comes downstairs.. putting on a smile now, looking like i am just casually typing away at nothing instead of pouring my heart and soul out onto this blog.... see, it can be done. I lived many yrs w/ the secret of my abuse, i lived many yrs in a loveless marriage.... shoving feelings down and faking happiness... thats nothing. so thats what i'll do. I'll be fine in time. The numbness can actually be quite comforting. being alone, is ok. and eventually i'll trust myself and my heart enuff and then maybe i'll decide to try another time with sumbody else......
but god it felt so good. so comfy. so real...... and altho i have no regrets about what we tried to do i will have one regret, that it never had a chance to blossom (possibly) into more...
no regrets.
friends first
I had hope, it's gone for now. it'll come back. and for now.I'll cool my jets, end on a high note (sorta) and try to go back to how it was.... friendship. nothong more. I'll run away. I coccon, i just.... i'll survive. what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. shit happens, deal, move on. I think i'll put a rush on getting outtta here,,,, gotta get the fuck outta dodge, if you get my drift. and again, i'll cry alone. i'll depend on me. and only me. and even then, i'll keep me in check. I'll put upmy walls. and i'll survive......
like i always have.
so now, i must plan..... i need to budget, and save and maybe... maybe i'll take my mom's offerr and move to ottawa. or better yet, bc.... get away from all this madness and pain. start over. start alone. leave every one and everything behind. then i won't be fucked over.... or fucked up.... or for that matter.... fucked.
I know it was more then just good sex..... and i... i wish.... i wish...... i wish... i couldv'e experienced it longer.... but i became too emotionally attached. I risked too much- i wore my wounded heart on my sleeve and now its been stabbed again.... and now. I'll hide it. hide me. and well.... heal. by myself.
as usual, here i go again. on this road. alone.
fuck em... fuck em all.... right?