HMMMMM.... not sure just what to do. I know i feel like running latlely. running away. hiding. i'm terrified. I am so scared that i'll be hurt. scared of what might happen and even scared about what might not. i'm just scared.
I could shut down again. just take a step back, retreat into myself. it would be so easy. so familiar. and safe. just do like i did a few yrs ago.... just me.... my church..... me. and a lot of ppl would never be the wiser. because i wouldn't let them get close enough to know.
you cant get hurt.... if you're alone.
i'm not in a pity mood... i am seriously just scared. I am so afraid.....
at least i know i'll never go back to him- my ex that is. that much i am confident in. i got strong, i was bitter, then sad, and now... satisfied. he's gone from my life.
but as for me..... i dont know. i did something stupid. i admited some of my feelings to allen. and altho he said it was fine, that words couldnt convey his thoughts..... i was never more afraid. I feel myself pushing away..... i feel my heat telling me i'm getting too attached and that i'll just end up hurt in the end. happiness for me, has always been fleeting.
i havent had a hard life. i'm better off then a lot of ppl-i realise that-- but still.....
i am surrounded by loneliness at times of my own creation none the less. i have a habit of pushing ppl away when they get too close..... and i am fighting the urge to do that. it is taking every once of stregnth not to push away.
God, i feel so comfortable around him its scary. and i have no idea what this is or where its going, or if it'll last. and i'm trying to go with the flow, to relax but every once and a while ( like yesterday) all the panicked thoughts catch up and then i breakdown and well... its not pretty.
why did i have to let him see..... too soon , its too soon. and too strong. and too frightening, but so nice. so good, and so... famiar....
it strange to fee safe and terrified all at once.
I want to take a chance, sees where thsi leads but by th same token... i am just so scared. it feel too good to be true..... and i hope i don;t run away. i hope i can push thru my shell adn these walls i've built up. its too much, and too little.
what is this?
tell me...
please, i want to know.
tell me...
do you feel?
tell me...
where are we?
tell me...
everything.
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
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2 comments:
Kid, Whoa, hold on, take a step back and Look at this. Holy be-Jeezers! I have ABSOLUTELY no right to advise, but you don't read your comments anyway, and I would feel like a complete jerk if I didn't.
From earlier comments, you know I just stumbled on your blog while looking for some writing by someone in my same situation.
I'm afraid for your heart, dear lady. You have to heal before you can go swimming again. Otherwise the wound can become infected. I know where of I speak.
People do care. You're welcome to see my broken soul as I have glimpsed yours.
Sorry again, kinda, for intruding.
Just google howlsatmoon.....I'm gettin' some hits.
Tica, thanks. I hope I gave you a teeny smile. You can have one anytime you want. You Definetely gave me a big stupid grin. The "stupid" part, I've always had. It's the big grin I'm thankful for......hmmmm. I'll have to think about that......hmmmm. Muggle patch is gone for the evening. The Wizard is loose. Put away the shetland ponies.
You don't like mayonnaise, do you?
heh. Now THAT, my dear, is a "pickup line". lol 2.
If you ever need an ear.
Wollf
("blog title" at gmail.com)
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