another day.....

So, allen and i had our talk last night...man, why the heall does he have this effect over me? I really don't understand it. So, comfortable. so right. We mentioned blended families again. Thats my dream, my hope. to eventually combine and be one happy familly. No more hiding. I hate the hiding. They are not ready to come out yet, not until they find a polyamourous relationship tht works. But in the meantime, I'm left for the most part to hiding. I hate it. I told allen that last night. I'll give them time, and if they never come out while i'm here thats fine... cus i really don'r know if this will work. Why should the expose themselves to scrutiny and hurt if they don't know if it will work.
Allen and i also talked about where we are. "strong feelings" is how he put it. "attracted" was another. and also, we mentioned we both are aiming for long term. NO idea if it will work out that way, but we want to try. I feel like i've been alone wolf for so long and like i may have finally found my pack (lol! sorry for the metaphore. there's a particular reader who's groaning right now) Or at least i Hope so.
But serious questions are coming up. about having little babies. He's fixed. Got threee kids, doesn't want more. I still don't know if i want children anymore. I mean w/ my ex it wa kinda expected. even tho i wanted to go to school first we'd been togehter for 7 trs and my open heart surgury was thru and well, it was just expected. I mean, It'll be yrs b4 i tackle that bridge. I have to go back to scchool, (4-7 yrs) i need to be in a commited relationship ( again yrs) and i also have my heart to think about. could it handle having children. do i really want to have to go thru another surgury maybe 2..... thanks a lot allen! now you got me thinking!
all I know is my heart sored when allen slipped up and mentioned ( just once) that i was his girlfriend. I felt a sense of contentedness when he told me he was thinking long term. I dearly hope this works. I think, well... i think. no i won't ssay it, not yet. But i will say i find myself still holding back and falling deeper and farther.
emily said she wasshocked i'd had sex cus i said i'd never if the feeling weren't there.... allen and i both agree. they were there. I know i'd never have had sex if they werent. i just, i am holding back. but saturday, was amazing. so connected. so real. so long since i'd felt that. sex always hurt b4. only once it didnt. I had never made love to anybody except my ex husband. I had waitied until marriage. and was neglected to say the least! i never realised what they hpe was about. i know i wasnt completly comfortable and i never connected with my ex completly....
I dont know ehatt hsi all means. and i wonder where it will lead. i feel myself falling faste and harder then i ever have. i'm holding back because i don't want to go too fast... but we already have the friendship, and the intimacy, and now... now he tells me he is thinking long term... and my heart, feels so free. I hope this works. I hope it does. I want it to work. and as for children, it'll be yrs b4 i have to cross that bridge, for now i'll take my time to think that thru.

so happy.
so free....
so...
me