w...t...f....????

ok so umm... i wasnt going to blog this but well...i've been confused all day and i need... NEED to get this out....

so umm yeah, this week has Berna a week of acceptance.... slowly but surely i am accepting allan and i are friends....
i can think of him without crying so much, and to ee him isnt so painful.... i hear a bike in the street and i dont cry so much...
course i'd like to point out a neighbour happen to have the SAME FUCKING BIKE ANS ALLAN so i hear that thing going and i automatically think of Allan
anyways
so last night we are together after game at pauls place...
allan come upstairs....
he needs to talk...
bout emily...
i let him vent, i understand.... and i'm ok...
i hold his hand, i comment but mostly i try to listen and occasionally throw and idea out there....
i wont go into the conversation but needless to say he was feeling hurt.... and emily and allan have taken a few steps back i think int he trust area....
fuck!

so after he vents, we mention food and decide to walk to the local pool/billiards hall and grab a beer (btw, miller premium light SUCKS!) and then a bite to eat....

we admit to each other we still have feelings...
and that we are definitely attracted to one another...
and anyways, we end up cuddling in bed...
and next thing i know he's pouring his heart out and i'm feeling so very much connected to him and then we...
well...
we made love

I KNOW! WTF? i mean... he asked me what i wanted and i said " you, me, us.. thn i am fighting the urge to kiss him.. and hes doing the same for me... and then i inch my head up and one kiss...
bang...
i had flash backs all day today..
i'm talkin to a customer then

whooosh....
scene from last night comes outta nowhere
i'm in between calls then
whoosh another scene from last night outta nowhere...
i mean this used to happen al lot but i learned to deal with them...today were so ....undealable...

i dont know what last night was tho....
i mean...
was it just sex?
are we back on?
does he think we are?
did i leas him on?
am i sending mixed messages?
is he sending em mixed messages?
are we fuck buddies now?
was it a one time fluke?

what....exactly....happened ...last...night.....???????????

wtf was last night???????


i'm so confused.......

i just took like ten steps back in getting over allan....