is this your song allan???? did you deceive me right from the start? was it all just a lie?
Withe Temptation
Angels
Music Here
Lyrics
Sparkling angel I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
my song
all i truly wish...is to belong. to hear loved ones call my name. to feel i am loved and have a home.... it is all i have ever longed for. i trid to have that withmy own family, with my freinds, even with my lovers.... always withen reach, but never obtained ...always only a taste of true belonging....
Withen Temptation
The Swan Song
music here
Lyrics
Winter has come for me, can't carry on.
The chains to my life are strong but soon they'll be gone.
I'll spread my wings one more time.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
In my heart I know I can let go.
In the end I will find some peace inside.
New wings are growing tonight.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
As I am soaring I'm one with the wind.
I am longing to see you again, it's been so long.
We will be together again.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
I know i'll find you someday... home.... and my love. i truly thought that was frank. then allan....
my heart is so broken right now.... i really want to find you. to be in your arms and truly feel like i belong. like i am home. i'll keep looking, you're out there.... sumwhere...
Withen Temptation
Somewhere
music here
Lyrics
Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul
Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
Withen Temptation
The Swan Song
music here
Lyrics
Winter has come for me, can't carry on.
The chains to my life are strong but soon they'll be gone.
I'll spread my wings one more time.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
In my heart I know I can let go.
In the end I will find some peace inside.
New wings are growing tonight.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
As I am soaring I'm one with the wind.
I am longing to see you again, it's been so long.
We will be together again.
Is it a dream?
All the ones I have loved calling out my name.
The sun warms my face.
All the days of my life, I see them passing me by.
I know i'll find you someday... home.... and my love. i truly thought that was frank. then allan....
my heart is so broken right now.... i really want to find you. to be in your arms and truly feel like i belong. like i am home. i'll keep looking, you're out there.... sumwhere...
Withen Temptation
Somewhere
music here
Lyrics
Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul
Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes me to go
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever's happened,
The truth will free my soul
to emily and allan
this post is for you two
you two, are meant to be together...fight for this. work thru this.
i'm not wishing this for me... i'm wishing this because i care about you both and i want to see you two happy again....
you have a lot of issues to work thru... the cheating with me was just the tip of the iceberg... not to diinish what allan and i did.
anyways
please..remember....
emily, everything you do you do it for allan.
allan, everything you do you do it for emily.
reconnect..work thru this..
theres no love like your love.
you can get thru this....
i pray that you do.
you dont propose marriage to sumbody and spend 12 yrs together... for nothing....
you two are meant for each other...you are ...you just need to realize it IS worth trying for...
BRIAN ADAMS
EVERYTHING I DO
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
you two, are meant to be together...fight for this. work thru this.
i'm not wishing this for me... i'm wishing this because i care about you both and i want to see you two happy again....
you have a lot of issues to work thru... the cheating with me was just the tip of the iceberg... not to diinish what allan and i did.
anyways
please..remember....
emily, everything you do you do it for allan.
allan, everything you do you do it for emily.
reconnect..work thru this..
theres no love like your love.
you can get thru this....
i pray that you do.
you dont propose marriage to sumbody and spend 12 yrs together... for nothing....
you two are meant for each other...you are ...you just need to realize it IS worth trying for...
BRIAN ADAMS
EVERYTHING I DO
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
wonderful
i've gone down the rabbit hole...
so, heres the sitch. been diagnosed with depression. the dr felt previously it was always emotional, temporary but now... its not. she feels this is sumthing i need meds for and it isnt going away this time..
depression...
hunh.
i'm feeling pretty low.
itsone thing to hear a dr say "this is temporary. 6 mths to a yr on this med tops combined with counseling and you'll be fine. we'll take yo off the med and that'll be that"
it is a whole other thing to hear "this isnt going away this time."
i'm feeling pretty low
i'm terrified.
i don't believe in social styma. if sumbody asks, i'll say "i struggle with depression" i just won't get into the gory details.... i won't hide it. it is an illness. and i'm fine with that.
i wont hide it
but i am terrified that people will just write me off when they find out.
just say that i'm too much to deal with and write me outta their lives....
afterall, i have had it happen b4. as recently as last year i had a friend who just dropped outta my life. and i found out later she just felt i was too much hassle to be her friend. she felt like i always blew things outta proportion and was tired of dealing with my bull shit...
worat part was, i thought of her as a best friend ...her an emily. when she left i had emily....
and now emily is gone and i'm trying to find my way thru all these relationships to find sumbody who i can call my best friend... i've got this depression to deal with and i feel like i have nobody to truly rely on...lots of friend, but i dont have that sense of family and i dont even have a best friend any longer. lost of ppl who care...but no one that i truly connect with on a deeper level...
have you ever felt liek you had a million freinds...but still felt alone?
thats how i feel. a sea of people, so many people in my life...but alone. nobody who is past that wall i've built up nobody who is truly right there with me beside me...
alone.
i won't do anything stupid, i promise. no harmful thoughts, no suicide... i'm just...
ina really dark place right now ...
i keep spiraling down and its.. it is alot to handle alone...
i'm reaching out o people...trying to build relationships. trying, seeking to connect...
but at the same time...i'm spiraling...
an i'm terrified.
does anybody really know what i'm going thru
and on top of all this...
i am terrified i am homewrecker. the guilt is still there. it is overwhelming. and then theres the wondering why? i asked allan "why"... he has not said why.... and its hurt so badly cus all i can think of is...
he lied? he just wanted sex? i an;t understand why he'd not tell her? and it make me feel so worthless. lie a slut. a good for nothing but a fuck....thats how i feel... and i do not think i will ever think otherwise .... cus i dont know why he dint tell her...
all those things he said... even the card he gave me for valentines...saying that i was his girlfriend... it was all .... lies? was it?
thru all the pain and confusion
was it real
or just an illusion
tell me why
so i can move on.
tell me,
why?
was it real?
so, heres the sitch. been diagnosed with depression. the dr felt previously it was always emotional, temporary but now... its not. she feels this is sumthing i need meds for and it isnt going away this time..
depression...
hunh.
i'm feeling pretty low.
itsone thing to hear a dr say "this is temporary. 6 mths to a yr on this med tops combined with counseling and you'll be fine. we'll take yo off the med and that'll be that"
it is a whole other thing to hear "this isnt going away this time."
i'm feeling pretty low
i'm terrified.
i don't believe in social styma. if sumbody asks, i'll say "i struggle with depression" i just won't get into the gory details.... i won't hide it. it is an illness. and i'm fine with that.
i wont hide it
but i am terrified that people will just write me off when they find out.
just say that i'm too much to deal with and write me outta their lives....
afterall, i have had it happen b4. as recently as last year i had a friend who just dropped outta my life. and i found out later she just felt i was too much hassle to be her friend. she felt like i always blew things outta proportion and was tired of dealing with my bull shit...
worat part was, i thought of her as a best friend ...her an emily. when she left i had emily....
and now emily is gone and i'm trying to find my way thru all these relationships to find sumbody who i can call my best friend... i've got this depression to deal with and i feel like i have nobody to truly rely on...lots of friend, but i dont have that sense of family and i dont even have a best friend any longer. lost of ppl who care...but no one that i truly connect with on a deeper level...
have you ever felt liek you had a million freinds...but still felt alone?
thats how i feel. a sea of people, so many people in my life...but alone. nobody who is past that wall i've built up nobody who is truly right there with me beside me...
alone.
i won't do anything stupid, i promise. no harmful thoughts, no suicide... i'm just...
ina really dark place right now ...
i keep spiraling down and its.. it is alot to handle alone...
i'm reaching out o people...trying to build relationships. trying, seeking to connect...
but at the same time...i'm spiraling...
an i'm terrified.
does anybody really know what i'm going thru
and on top of all this...
i am terrified i am homewrecker. the guilt is still there. it is overwhelming. and then theres the wondering why? i asked allan "why"... he has not said why.... and its hurt so badly cus all i can think of is...
he lied? he just wanted sex? i an;t understand why he'd not tell her? and it make me feel so worthless. lie a slut. a good for nothing but a fuck....thats how i feel... and i do not think i will ever think otherwise .... cus i dont know why he dint tell her...
all those things he said... even the card he gave me for valentines...saying that i was his girlfriend... it was all .... lies? was it?
thru all the pain and confusion
was it real
or just an illusion
tell me why
so i can move on.
tell me,
why?
was it real?
Monday, March 29, 2010
ugh!
just had anothewr appt with my social worker...
ok, councillors are supposed to let me figure things out.... anyways... i'm a tad frustrated....
ugh! argh! and all negative sounds ending in h!
she approves of my reaching out to ppl to connect deeper with friends... see if i can't find a new best freind. yeah, like that will happen.... we have established one thing in my meeting... i have issues with making deep relationships, with conencting. there are lost off ppl who connect with me, but rarely do i le tthem connect with me in the way that matters... kinda a wall of sorts... which stems from... da nanaaaaa... never having had a lastign realtionshoip with my family. no strong healthy relationship witha male role model/father figure type except for a few short years with my step father, divirced kid feelings , familys are never this happy thing apparently, but mine has been "wrought with chaos" as she put it and another thing was "you've never had a period in yer life which was not chaotic" and heres the kicker... the one she nailed on the nose... are you ready for it...
"you feel lost"
sumbody give this gal the million dollars she just got the obvious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol
anyways.... yeah....
councilling... fun.... same bullshit all over again..
hello... i've gone to councillign fer daddy issues... and mommy issues,... and ex hubby issues... i agree i still need those BUT i also need.... to deal with this guilt.
argh!
anyways...
here show i feel again.... this is the one song which described how i trule have felt this last mth... and altho i am not thinking harmful thoughts of sucicide and whatnot... i still feel .... likwe this....
Pink
One foot wrong
lyrics:
Am I sweating?
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line, I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tinest cell, it's hell
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side of the abyss
If it's bad, is it always my fault?
Or did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
I put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
oh and did i metnion, i still am in love with allan.... and things are i dont kniow with him and emily... sooo yeah... so in honour of him a def leppard song which decribes how he ffels , how emily feels, and how i feel right now... BUT FOR THE RECORD I AINT GOING BACK, NOT GONNA LET HIM IN, AND NOT GONNA GET INVOLVED WITH HIM... ok? made that clear. he and i are thru.... i just pray to god him and emily arent thru...
DEFF LEPPARD
WHEN LOVE AND HAT COLLIDE
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Instead of slamming down the phone girl, for the hundredth time
I got your number on my wall, but I ain't gonna make that call
When divided we stand baby, united we fall
Got the time got a chance gonna make it
Got my hands on your heart gonna take it
All I know I can't fight this flame
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby, time after time
Without you
One night alone Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide
I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between the eyes
There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time
[Repeat Chorus]
[SOLO]
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby...Crazy...Crazy
Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
If you have a heart at all
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide
ok, councillors are supposed to let me figure things out.... anyways... i'm a tad frustrated....
ugh! argh! and all negative sounds ending in h!
she approves of my reaching out to ppl to connect deeper with friends... see if i can't find a new best freind. yeah, like that will happen.... we have established one thing in my meeting... i have issues with making deep relationships, with conencting. there are lost off ppl who connect with me, but rarely do i le tthem connect with me in the way that matters... kinda a wall of sorts... which stems from... da nanaaaaa... never having had a lastign realtionshoip with my family. no strong healthy relationship witha male role model/father figure type except for a few short years with my step father, divirced kid feelings , familys are never this happy thing apparently, but mine has been "wrought with chaos" as she put it and another thing was "you've never had a period in yer life which was not chaotic" and heres the kicker... the one she nailed on the nose... are you ready for it...
"you feel lost"
sumbody give this gal the million dollars she just got the obvious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol
anyways.... yeah....
councilling... fun.... same bullshit all over again..
hello... i've gone to councillign fer daddy issues... and mommy issues,... and ex hubby issues... i agree i still need those BUT i also need.... to deal with this guilt.
argh!
anyways...
here show i feel again.... this is the one song which described how i trule have felt this last mth... and altho i am not thinking harmful thoughts of sucicide and whatnot... i still feel .... likwe this....
Pink
One foot wrong
lyrics:
Am I sweating?
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line, I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tinest cell, it's hell
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side of the abyss
If it's bad, is it always my fault?
Or did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
I put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
oh and did i metnion, i still am in love with allan.... and things are i dont kniow with him and emily... sooo yeah... so in honour of him a def leppard song which decribes how he ffels , how emily feels, and how i feel right now... BUT FOR THE RECORD I AINT GOING BACK, NOT GONNA LET HIM IN, AND NOT GONNA GET INVOLVED WITH HIM... ok? made that clear. he and i are thru.... i just pray to god him and emily arent thru...
DEFF LEPPARD
WHEN LOVE AND HAT COLLIDE
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Instead of slamming down the phone girl, for the hundredth time
I got your number on my wall, but I ain't gonna make that call
When divided we stand baby, united we fall
Got the time got a chance gonna make it
Got my hands on your heart gonna take it
All I know I can't fight this flame
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby, time after time
Without you
One night alone Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide
I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between the eyes
There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time
[Repeat Chorus]
[SOLO]
You could have a change of heart, if you would only change your mind
Cause I'm crazy 'bout you baby...Crazy...Crazy
Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
One night alone
Is like a year without you baby
If you have a heart at all
Without you
Can't stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i never liked basketball anyways
hello rebound! goodbye rebound.
JB dropped by last night. He's made his feelings known before, altho i always smiled and said he was my JB and a good freind and thats how i liked him. or i'd say "actually i'm involved with a guy right now"
and what i never tell him... i need sumbody i cnashare my faith with. i had that with allan, he enever went to church but we talked about God and the bible and such. allan beleives in God, just not religion. LOL JB..... is a Pagan (not derogatory, thats what his faith is.)
and i need sumbody who is emotionally stable. JB is wonderfully sweet, but he has emotional issues.... and i just can't handle em.
aanyways JB is aware of the whole allan situation....
so he knows i'm single... and very broken.
last night, i had to tell him to back down. i was rebounding hardcore, and didnt want to do that to him, cus everything is causal right now, and the next guy i date even if it a slow take yer time relationship... will be arebound. unless i've taken time to compleltly fall out oflove with allan first.
nothing happned.... could have... but didnt.
last night, we ended up watching a movie. cheesy b rated movie. and eventually... cuddled. JB likes his cuddles, had offered b4, i always declined. this time i will admit, i was lonely, and very emotuional, and JB was being so very sweet.
then come the kisses. i dunno how the started. never on my lips, just on my neck and then i'm closing my eyes and guess what...
allan comes to mind.
i have to force myself to realise it isnt allan there. open my eyes.
i relaisde this has got to stop...it coudsl lead to more and i dont want that...well part of me does but the majority doesnt. not with JB.....
so i did the same thing to JB i do to allan when i'd want him to stop. at least we were fully clothed.
I cling to JB ina huge hug. put my hesd right bside hise head, and just hug as close as i can get my body to his. hug.
JB asks whats wrong. i ask him to stop. i tell him, i'm not thinking of him, i keep thinking of my ex. i tell him i'm not over him. i tell him we need to stop this. i'm rebounding, and it is wrong. i tell him i need my JB as a freind, and i'm not ready for anything...even casual... cus i'm still thinking and still inlove with allan.
we never sis anything... just cuddled, and he kissed my neck.... no sex, no petting, no nothing.... no groping, no dry shagging or whatever u call it... nothing. he just kissedmy neck. thats it.
and i stoppedit b4 i was more. cus i knwo when i'm weak and tempted. i may not ahve been able to stop myslef aroudn allan, but i do have self controld around other men. and i stopped this b4 it was worse...
poor JB. he's worn his heart on his sleeve with me a few times... and i've always either been with frank, or with allan, or now... not over allan.
we talk fer a good long time. anf then, he goes to bed as do i (separatly)
i'm glad we didnt do anytign ... i mean, i didnt even kiss him...
poor JB tho.... he left today, heartbroken. saying he's resigned to beign single. i again told him, i didnt want to hurt him. that i'm not over my ex and if i did do anythign with him..it was a rebound... i didnt tell hiim that if we did do anyting, i'd be thinkign of allan the whole time. there are just sumthings you dont say to aguy witha broken heart whose been rejected by the gal he's been crushing on for a few yrs... yeah, he addmited he'd liked me that way fer a while...
fuck.... i need to ge over allan if ever i'llbe ahppy.
i keep tellign myself that JB is a sweet man, and he never came over woth the intentions to try to get with me in sum way..... i keepsaying that... but after allan.... i wonder....
and i question...
and suddenly all those sweet things JB said to me are tainted....
i could never be with JB. trust me, this was a rebound and would never have been anything. JB is not sumbody i could hava relationship with liek that. he's my JB, but he's not MY jb.
i've gotta keepo my guard up now... make sure i dont put myself in any more precarious situations with men. last thing i need is a rebound....
JB dropped by last night. He's made his feelings known before, altho i always smiled and said he was my JB and a good freind and thats how i liked him. or i'd say "actually i'm involved with a guy right now"
and what i never tell him... i need sumbody i cnashare my faith with. i had that with allan, he enever went to church but we talked about God and the bible and such. allan beleives in God, just not religion. LOL JB..... is a Pagan (not derogatory, thats what his faith is.)
and i need sumbody who is emotionally stable. JB is wonderfully sweet, but he has emotional issues.... and i just can't handle em.
aanyways JB is aware of the whole allan situation....
so he knows i'm single... and very broken.
last night, i had to tell him to back down. i was rebounding hardcore, and didnt want to do that to him, cus everything is causal right now, and the next guy i date even if it a slow take yer time relationship... will be arebound. unless i've taken time to compleltly fall out oflove with allan first.
nothing happned.... could have... but didnt.
last night, we ended up watching a movie. cheesy b rated movie. and eventually... cuddled. JB likes his cuddles, had offered b4, i always declined. this time i will admit, i was lonely, and very emotuional, and JB was being so very sweet.
then come the kisses. i dunno how the started. never on my lips, just on my neck and then i'm closing my eyes and guess what...
allan comes to mind.
i have to force myself to realise it isnt allan there. open my eyes.
i relaisde this has got to stop...it coudsl lead to more and i dont want that...well part of me does but the majority doesnt. not with JB.....
so i did the same thing to JB i do to allan when i'd want him to stop. at least we were fully clothed.
I cling to JB ina huge hug. put my hesd right bside hise head, and just hug as close as i can get my body to his. hug.
JB asks whats wrong. i ask him to stop. i tell him, i'm not thinking of him, i keep thinking of my ex. i tell him i'm not over him. i tell him we need to stop this. i'm rebounding, and it is wrong. i tell him i need my JB as a freind, and i'm not ready for anything...even casual... cus i'm still thinking and still inlove with allan.
we never sis anything... just cuddled, and he kissed my neck.... no sex, no petting, no nothing.... no groping, no dry shagging or whatever u call it... nothing. he just kissedmy neck. thats it.
and i stoppedit b4 i was more. cus i knwo when i'm weak and tempted. i may not ahve been able to stop myslef aroudn allan, but i do have self controld around other men. and i stopped this b4 it was worse...
poor JB. he's worn his heart on his sleeve with me a few times... and i've always either been with frank, or with allan, or now... not over allan.
we talk fer a good long time. anf then, he goes to bed as do i (separatly)
i'm glad we didnt do anytign ... i mean, i didnt even kiss him...
poor JB tho.... he left today, heartbroken. saying he's resigned to beign single. i again told him, i didnt want to hurt him. that i'm not over my ex and if i did do anythign with him..it was a rebound... i didnt tell hiim that if we did do anyting, i'd be thinkign of allan the whole time. there are just sumthings you dont say to aguy witha broken heart whose been rejected by the gal he's been crushing on for a few yrs... yeah, he addmited he'd liked me that way fer a while...
fuck.... i need to ge over allan if ever i'llbe ahppy.
i keep tellign myself that JB is a sweet man, and he never came over woth the intentions to try to get with me in sum way..... i keepsaying that... but after allan.... i wonder....
and i question...
and suddenly all those sweet things JB said to me are tainted....
i could never be with JB. trust me, this was a rebound and would never have been anything. JB is not sumbody i could hava relationship with liek that. he's my JB, but he's not MY jb.
i've gotta keepo my guard up now... make sure i dont put myself in any more precarious situations with men. last thing i need is a rebound....
Thursday, March 25, 2010
easter is a coming
well, Easter is among us almost. that means it is time for my church's Easter passion play. 400 sum odd ppl, all working together to put on a show which has been said to be of theater quality. all in an effort to reach out to the community, show our faith.... and also give those of us which a theater itch a chance to scratch that itch!
last year i was not around fer the play... Easter felt so empty
i like Easter better then Christmas. we dont so a Christmas play. and Christmas is all about family and its always lonely fr me. Easter tho, i dont need family. and its always so busy i forget i dont have any family to celebrate it with...
i love Easter. its so much better then Christmas
but..... i'm not sure i fit in. i mean, i know there are ppl who have all made mistakes too, and i am open and honest about what i've done and that it was wrong... but still...
am i really ok to be up there? i mean, i know nobody is worthy of God's love... nobody is worthy of preaching his gospel, nobody is worthy of leading ppl in worship... but given what i've done i just feel even more unworthy...
anyways..
i'm still struggling with guilt. i am still not back to work. i still dont have adequate counseling, scratch that ... i have a counselor who i have seen ONCE and that was to tell her about em and what brought me there and shes a fucking social worker...USELESS!
so i am still in a dark place....
just not dark enuff to kill myself...
or hurt myself....
i'm still struggling....
and i'm trying to remember sumthign allan said from the beginning... no regrets...only, i'm full of them.
fuck!
and still in love
DOUBLE FUCK
annnnnnd feeling overwhelming guilt
TRIPPLE FUCK
OH AND ALL THIS TALK OF FUCKS...MAKES ME WANNA FUCK SUMBODY...
QUADRUPOLE SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM FUCK! oh no wait, that'd be a good fuck...ummm..bad fuck? no wait, according to Murphy's laws even bad fucks are good fucks... oh fer fuck sakes will i stop talking about fucking!!! <--- this is my attempt at acting like the old me again.... is it convincing yet? didnt think so.
anyways... totally feeling like a pink song today.... when she mentioned the tiniest cell, yeah that was the psych ward room... dont wanna go back there.... still, walking a thin line. not gonna do anything stupid but...one foot wrong...is all it will take...
Pink
One foot wrong
lyrics:
Am I sweating?
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line, I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tinest cell, it's hell
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side of the abyss
If it's bad, is it always my fault?
Or did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
I put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
last year i was not around fer the play... Easter felt so empty
i like Easter better then Christmas. we dont so a Christmas play. and Christmas is all about family and its always lonely fr me. Easter tho, i dont need family. and its always so busy i forget i dont have any family to celebrate it with...
i love Easter. its so much better then Christmas
but..... i'm not sure i fit in. i mean, i know there are ppl who have all made mistakes too, and i am open and honest about what i've done and that it was wrong... but still...
am i really ok to be up there? i mean, i know nobody is worthy of God's love... nobody is worthy of preaching his gospel, nobody is worthy of leading ppl in worship... but given what i've done i just feel even more unworthy...
anyways..
i'm still struggling with guilt. i am still not back to work. i still dont have adequate counseling, scratch that ... i have a counselor who i have seen ONCE and that was to tell her about em and what brought me there and shes a fucking social worker...USELESS!
so i am still in a dark place....
just not dark enuff to kill myself...
or hurt myself....
i'm still struggling....
and i'm trying to remember sumthign allan said from the beginning... no regrets...only, i'm full of them.
fuck!
and still in love
DOUBLE FUCK
annnnnnd feeling overwhelming guilt
TRIPPLE FUCK
OH AND ALL THIS TALK OF FUCKS...MAKES ME WANNA FUCK SUMBODY...
QUADRUPOLE SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM FUCK! oh no wait, that'd be a good fuck...ummm..bad fuck? no wait, according to Murphy's laws even bad fucks are good fucks... oh fer fuck sakes will i stop talking about fucking!!! <--- this is my attempt at acting like the old me again.... is it convincing yet? didnt think so.
anyways... totally feeling like a pink song today.... when she mentioned the tiniest cell, yeah that was the psych ward room... dont wanna go back there.... still, walking a thin line. not gonna do anything stupid but...one foot wrong...is all it will take...
Pink
One foot wrong
lyrics:
Am I sweating?
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line, I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tinest cell, it's hell
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side of the abyss
If it's bad, is it always my fault?
Or did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
I put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
music speaks where words fail
I've been having a ruff few days. no bad thoughts of suicide or hurting myself.... but still. rought. i'm still dealign witha ll the guilt i feel, and it is still overwheleming. i am greiving the loss of love. i am greieivng the loss of home.
i am so very tired of feeling liek i have no roots firmly planted, no home. i am trying to reahc out to freinds and deepen relationships but...its takign alot out of me.
i want to cocoon. its how i've always survived. and allan and emily seemed to be the only 2 ppl who "got" me and would pull me out of my cocoon. and now i dont have that.
i missmy friend. i miss emails. i miss weekends at her place. i miss shopping. i miss movies. i miss ranting about work. i miss ranting about allan and his dog. imiss heearing her tell me stuff about her kids. i miss hanging out with her. i miss aquasize. i miss cheating on our healthy eating with wendy's burgers or a&w burgers.... i miss rockband parties i'd baby sit for her so she cld go....
i miss those kids. telling thm stories, paying, watching nmovies....
and i miss allan... i am doing my best to be anfgry at him. to feel hurt and to just drop him out of my life. to put him in the same page as frank.... but i can't. i still love him.
i'm feelign lost. i can be happy alone. i dont need a man to be happy. but i do need family to be happy. and thats what emaily was...family.... cus i was tryong to work things out woth my own family. i was. i was working on dad and me i was even workign on mom and me but while i was working on them and mine relationships i still had emily as kinda an anchor thru it all. no matter what i had her as my family when my biological family wld fuck up on me...
i miss my family. i'm tired, very very tired of drifting... life has buried me alive....
Yellowcard: Drifting
Video here
Lyrics
When I look into your eyes, I can see
Such a sad man in disguise
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
Hurts my heart to see you cry
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
I don't know you anymore, wish I knew what's wrong
Can't we try to slam that door, start a brand new song
I know you're lonely and you cry, wondering why
I know it's lonely but if once, you could help me understand
What it takes to be a man
Look back on what you've said, and the life you've led
Is it what you dreamed when you were young like me.
Now it's time you took something back
just for the sake of your mind.
When I look into your eyes, I can see
Life has buried you alive
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
You can't breathe
Heart as big as ocean's wide
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
i am so very tired of feeling liek i have no roots firmly planted, no home. i am trying to reahc out to freinds and deepen relationships but...its takign alot out of me.
i want to cocoon. its how i've always survived. and allan and emily seemed to be the only 2 ppl who "got" me and would pull me out of my cocoon. and now i dont have that.
i missmy friend. i miss emails. i miss weekends at her place. i miss shopping. i miss movies. i miss ranting about work. i miss ranting about allan and his dog. imiss heearing her tell me stuff about her kids. i miss hanging out with her. i miss aquasize. i miss cheating on our healthy eating with wendy's burgers or a&w burgers.... i miss rockband parties i'd baby sit for her so she cld go....
i miss those kids. telling thm stories, paying, watching nmovies....
and i miss allan... i am doing my best to be anfgry at him. to feel hurt and to just drop him out of my life. to put him in the same page as frank.... but i can't. i still love him.
i'm feelign lost. i can be happy alone. i dont need a man to be happy. but i do need family to be happy. and thats what emaily was...family.... cus i was tryong to work things out woth my own family. i was. i was working on dad and me i was even workign on mom and me but while i was working on them and mine relationships i still had emily as kinda an anchor thru it all. no matter what i had her as my family when my biological family wld fuck up on me...
i miss my family. i'm tired, very very tired of drifting... life has buried me alive....
Yellowcard: Drifting
Video here
Lyrics
When I look into your eyes, I can see
Such a sad man in disguise
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
Hurts my heart to see you cry
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
I don't know you anymore, wish I knew what's wrong
Can't we try to slam that door, start a brand new song
I know you're lonely and you cry, wondering why
I know it's lonely but if once, you could help me understand
What it takes to be a man
Look back on what you've said, and the life you've led
Is it what you dreamed when you were young like me.
Now it's time you took something back
just for the sake of your mind.
When I look into your eyes, I can see
Life has buried you alive
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
You can't breathe
Heart as big as ocean's wide
waiting, wishing, dreaming, drifting from me
Sunday, March 21, 2010
slut! thats me! ?????
tonight, i sit here heartbroken
again
i really don't understand what part of me just cant stay angry at allan. i mean, i am tryignt o be angry at him. even went so far as to send him and angry email. everything is aid was true. i felt hurt, used, taken adavatage of. i felt liek he'd been cowardly and had ruined our chances of ever bein together
but then the anger slips away and i'm left with love. and it hurts o very badly
i love him
and then theres the guilt...omg the guilt and the shame i feel for the affair. i just, i cant handle that. i honeslty harte myself
dont worry i'm not gonna hurt myself or kill myself
i just i am admitting... i'mhaving a hard time with my heart right now....
and i feel so worthless, like garbage.
i keep calling myself a slut. which is ridiculous cus allan is only the second man i'v eever slept with, ontly the 4th boyfreind i've ever had. my first rleationship since my divorce.
i'm not a slut
but i keep callign myself that
part of me wants to run around and sleep with everyman ic an find....cus i dont think i'm worth anything else.... but i know that wrong
but it doesnt mean i dont think it
i seripusly, feellike a slut...and a homewrecker.... and worthless...
who will love me after what i've done? how will anybody love me knowing what i did?
i'ma rooten, slut who had an affair and ruined a marriage....
i cant seem to forgive myself....
i'll forgive allan
i'll ask emily fro forgivness
but ic ant forgive me....
it haunts me day in and day out
slut
slut
SLUT!!!!!!!
FILTY DIRLTY SLUT!!!!!
HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!
ADULTEROUS SLUT!!!!
and i tell myself its wrong and i tell myself to stop thinkignt hat way and i cant
if i;d only been strong enuff i could have stopped allan and this woudl never have happened
but he pushed
and pushed
and pushed and i was confused
and stupid
and i let him take advatage of me.... cu evetually i couldnt fight naylonger... my reserves ran out
slut!
why do i keep beating myself up liek this
... man i need a psychologist desperatly... stupid fucking system! gave me a social worker.... oh well sum councilling is better then none and maybe she can hook me up witha a shrink.... deal with this lack of self worth and such
again
i really don't understand what part of me just cant stay angry at allan. i mean, i am tryignt o be angry at him. even went so far as to send him and angry email. everything is aid was true. i felt hurt, used, taken adavatage of. i felt liek he'd been cowardly and had ruined our chances of ever bein together
but then the anger slips away and i'm left with love. and it hurts o very badly
i love him
and then theres the guilt...omg the guilt and the shame i feel for the affair. i just, i cant handle that. i honeslty harte myself
dont worry i'm not gonna hurt myself or kill myself
i just i am admitting... i'mhaving a hard time with my heart right now....
and i feel so worthless, like garbage.
i keep calling myself a slut. which is ridiculous cus allan is only the second man i'v eever slept with, ontly the 4th boyfreind i've ever had. my first rleationship since my divorce.
i'm not a slut
but i keep callign myself that
part of me wants to run around and sleep with everyman ic an find....cus i dont think i'm worth anything else.... but i know that wrong
but it doesnt mean i dont think it
i seripusly, feellike a slut...and a homewrecker.... and worthless...
who will love me after what i've done? how will anybody love me knowing what i did?
i'ma rooten, slut who had an affair and ruined a marriage....
i cant seem to forgive myself....
i'll forgive allan
i'll ask emily fro forgivness
but ic ant forgive me....
it haunts me day in and day out
slut
slut
SLUT!!!!!!!
FILTY DIRLTY SLUT!!!!!
HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!
ADULTEROUS SLUT!!!!
and i tell myself its wrong and i tell myself to stop thinkignt hat way and i cant
if i;d only been strong enuff i could have stopped allan and this woudl never have happened
but he pushed
and pushed
and pushed and i was confused
and stupid
and i let him take advatage of me.... cu evetually i couldnt fight naylonger... my reserves ran out
slut!
why do i keep beating myself up liek this
... man i need a psychologist desperatly... stupid fucking system! gave me a social worker.... oh well sum councilling is better then none and maybe she can hook me up witha a shrink.... deal with this lack of self worth and such
Friday, March 12, 2010
my longest post..... ever
So, last week...was the week from hell.
I woke up monday morning at about 9am to 2 cops knocking on my door. My freind in another province had called them, point blank saying " she says she wont do it in the day but i think she's goign to jump off the bridge or sumthing"
well not jump... i was going to take a swim in the river. i am not a strong swimmer, and it was 2 degrees celcius (almost freezing) and the water was strong, fast, and cold...
anyways, talke dto the cops for all of 5 minutes then voluntrilly went to thew hospital and checked myself into the Hotel Psyche
The Hotel Psyche
the darkest place a person can go.
a dark cloud over our heads
desperation and despair
theres no light in here
darkness as my only friend.
i'm blind by despair.
i can't breathe in here
no hope.
soul crushing
heart breaking
darkness.
this is
the darkest place a person
can ever go.
The Hotel P
run run
little white rabbit
down the rabbit hole
cus life has turned upside down
and outta control
run run
little white rabbit
its wonderland you seek
but all you find
is darkness
and defeat
when i saw the admitting on call psychologist, they said they'd admit me and put me on citaopram (antidepressant) and adavan (anti anxiety sedative) and a sleeping pill. i point blank said, i'm not here to be sedated. they promised i wouldnt be. when i was brought to the ward, as the door closed behind me i was filled with even more despair....
i am locked in
can't get out of here
i'm a prisoner.
there no way out.
i cant see the light.
sumbody free me.
there no way out.
is this hell?
i am ed to my room by a nurse.i'm wearing my ball cap. i watch her feet as i walk. she sits me on my bed... and i cry.
i tell her my whole story... everything, allan and emily, my life as a divorced child, feeling of no family, and my affir with allan, hating myself, and wanting to end it all and what my plan was... she consoles me.
Nurse Psyche
a gentle heart
you nod as i tell my story
no judgment
no shame
an extended hand
you reach out to me
you are a light,
in the pit of hell.
i tell her i dont want to be sedated, explain to her this is not depression. i have coping mechanisms and i have ways to deal with stress...its just that these 2 ppl Alan and Emily were at the core of my support and they were blown away and i hated myself for what i'd done. not depression.
she agrees. situational, she says. i see.
I tell her how i react to drugs.... tylonol makes me tired and the last tiem i took adavan it was b4 my heart surgery. surgery was at 130pm, i took the pill at 11am and i dont remember anything after i took the pill...
i'll tell the dr , she promises.
she give me a tour.
I can't stop crying. I'm so overwhelemed. and it is so dark in here....
i see the dr of the ward. tell him everything too. he agrees with me and nurse. situational. no drugs. sleeping pill if you ask. anti anxiety pill of you ask.... but no drugs... situational.
"what do you want
from us"
he asks
"to feel safe"
i whisper
"to feel like me"
i cry
"to not want to hurt myself"
I ask.
"done"
he smiles.
my roomate is 18. so young. and she tried to kill herself. took a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills... ended up here, undergoing electro shock therapy.
i would later think that was a barbaric thing to do to a person, but at that point...i could not feel anything
i go to the phone... sumbody has to bring my stuff... and take care of my animals (2 cats, 2 fish tanks)
dad is in the usa, sumbody needs to call him and he needs to tell my mom.
i try calling my recent friend, my massage therapist. yeah i know. but i can't get thru. i call the church. i can only get voicemails. i leave a message of where i am and how to reach me. then i call allan. emily is at work. and i know he is home with the kids...
he sounds terrible when i call.
i tell him i am at the hospital. i've checked myself in.
i ask for his help. i need my stuff, my animals need taken care of, and my family eneds to be notified.
i beg him... "please, don't leave me alone in here"
he promises he wont. says he'll see me at 4pm.
visiting hours are 4pm-9pm daily. weekends 11am-9pm.
at some point, my pastors shows up. i tell hi everything, "now u know why i havent been to church, and what happened while iw as comepltly away from god."
he tells me god always providesd a way out, and as unglamorous as this place is..its a way out of what i was tempted to do... kill myself. i give him a list of names to call... basically my church group i go to Tuesdays. tell him to let all the staff know. i ask for prayers, and say i am welcome to visitors. i tell him i feel unworthy of god love. i tell him i didnt care the other night if i went to hell, altho now i do care. and i tell him i know nobody is worthy of god's love, but that is head knowledge and hasn't reached my heart yet. we pray. he leaves
i feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up.
allan drops by...and stays pretty much until 9pm, i think. i can't remember... all i know is he was there and so were a few other ppl from my church group....
i read my books in my room. i listen to my music in my room. i occasionally head out. i wear my ball cap at all times. i have no group sesions yet, so i am left to my own devices.
i can hardly function... i want to cocoon. i want to shut the whole world out.
its how i've always survived. shut it out. ride the storm.
only now, i dont want to ride the storm. i want the storm to end me.
this terrifies me.
Freedom
I want to get out of here
how did i wind up like this
where do i go from here
there was something wrong
and nobody saw it
there was something wrong
and nobody knew it
not until it was almost
too late
tuesaday rolls around, and i have groups to go to. i still feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up. i see the phychologist at the hospital, not the ward. i tell him everything. he also agrees it is situational. agrees that this all stems from family issues. and councilling is what i need
relief.
thank god.
i get sick to my stomach and puke in the bathroom.... great. no other symptoms, so must've been emotional...
My wish
"welcome home"
thats what i long to hear
"come home"
thats what my heart listens for
"this is where you belong"
thats my deepest desire
"home will always be here"
words i desperately need to be true.
i see my other pastor (we have 3). i tell him everything, just no names. he tells me despite all this, i have a beautiful spirit.
i dont see it. all i see is darkness inside and out. we pray.
then i have more visitors. and allan comes again.
i have a room full of people. and i still dont feel worthy of their love.
i still want to end my life. I tell them all what happened. minus the names....
and i still feel unworthy of life, and their love.
i am so dark inside.
Suicide
theres a darkness inside
i cant fight
and i'm praying to god
to give me a way out
save me from myself.
the nights are the worst. monday night was a blur... i took a pill to sleep... tonight i try not to.... and i keep thinking of emily. i keep thinking of what i'd done. and how undeserving i am of life and love.
Emily
You're whats on my mind
i can't get over this feeling
right now
i feel so alone
i betrayed you
and now you're gone
nothing is free
and there is always a price
to pay
i never thought it would be so high
or that i might cost
my life
then i can't stop thinking of allan. how betrayed i feel. how used. and how unworthy of his love i feel. despite it all...i don't hate him. i hate myself. i should have been stronger. kicked him out. stayed away. but i was too confused. and he knew it
"you're beautiful"
he whispers
"i love you"
he swears
"i'll always be here"
he says
"this is home"
he promises.
i was his secret.
he broke my heart.
i keep thinking of what had gotten me here. it takes two to tango. but that tango, was always initiated by him. his words are my hearts deepest desires and he says them. altho i was confused, i found myslef wantign him back in my life. tryign to fit him back in. and i didnt care how, because i was so confused. i had tried to fight off his advances. a gentle caress he knew would drive me wild. i cleverly placed hand. a grope. his chest hairs exposed. shirtless or open buttoned top. his arms arousd me. cuddling. i just, there was only so much i could do and i was so confused. i didnt want to kick him out. i loved him. but i knew what we were doing was wrong so i'd fight it. but ther was only so long i could fight. until i lost all self respect and eventually, to regain my self respect (in a bad way) i gave in to my desires and let him back in..
and that was the beginnig of the end of my liking me and the beginning of how i ended up here in this dark place and how he broke my heart and emily's. its not all his fault. i'm not blaming him. i'm just saying... he took advantage of my confused heart.
Alan
"here is my heart"
i whisper
"it is fragile"
i declare
"i'll hold it safely"
you say
"right here, it is safe"
you promise
but then you smashed it to pieces
"i'm sorry"
you cry
"i'll fix it"
you proclaim.
"forget it"
i mumble
"it is too late.
it cannot be fixed
by you"
i can't stop the thoughts, or the tears. i am feeling even more unloved, unworthy of love. i feel liek i am an adulterous woman, who has nothign good in her heart. no longer pure or beautiful spirit. a liar, a cheat. and adulterous woman. i feel so honeless. so unworthy of love
Stray
I am a stray
unloved and unwanted
i bounce from place to place
no true home for too long
i don't understand
what i did wrong
to deserve this?
why is home so
unobtainable
and why am i not worth
keeping?
Blame
Its not all my fault
I know
But it takes two to tango
I was not not afraid
to own up to it
but what i was afraid of
was losing home
and family
which i feel like i did
all over again.
i eventually ask for a sleeping pill. Wednesday rolls around. i wake up and for the first time in a very long time... i pray. and not a prayer for help. not a prayer to help me have faith again. not a prayer where i was forcing myself to beleive. no a genuine prayer of thanksgiving, of just sayign hello, and asking god to bless me and the ppl in here.
and a thought hits me...
I have choir tonight. I can't miss choir. easter is coming. the eater play is almost here. easter is important. i can't miss that.
i ask for an evening pass. and get it. no questions asked. I wiz thru the day. go to all my groups. and all the while. i am feelign better and better. i start making eye contact. i start smiling. my freind JB pops by at 4pm and i run outta there lieka bat outta hell. actually, considering i think of that palce liek hell...thats actually the perfect analogy!
JB and me hang out at my place watching dr horribles sing along blog. we then catcha cab out. i go to my freind's place to get to choir and JB heads to work. i foget my ball cap at home. the past 4 days, i've worn my ballcap day in and out. even fallen asleep with my ballcap on.... and today, i forget it at home.
i go to choir and i sing my heart out. i feel even better. and when i get back to the hospital ward... i tell the nurse what i felt today. and i refuse a sleeping pill.. and i fall asleep.... and guess what... i was not feeling sick in my stomach either....
thursday rolls around. and i want out! now the hotel psyche feels soul crushing in a whole different way. now i feel like i am full of light, and the darkness of the Hotel Psyche is crushing that light. i do all my groups. i want out. itell the nurse i want to talk to the dr about a weekend pass...
friday morning.... i get told i am granted my weeknd pass...
i call alan...
tell him i want out. i go to see my psycologist, goa to my groups and at 2pm.. i bust out! allan and his kids take me around town till 530pm. to get stuff i need. then they leave to pick up emily.
i ask JB to drop by about 10pm. i am alone. fir the first time in 5 days.... and damn does it feel good!
the whole weeeknd passes by. i come to terms with what i'd done. coem to terms that altho i hate myslef, i can learnt o love me again. and that i need councilling to get overmy family issues. that night I talk to a close freind of mae's and mine who i';d lost touch with. i tell her how i felt last weekend. that basically, i didnt care if i had gone to hell. i just wanted to dies. i told her all about allan and emily (minus names) and i tell ehr i repent and want to change. i tell her i feel lie me and have no dark thoguth whatsoever of hurting myslef.
we pray. JB shows up.
next morning, JB heads to work. i go shopping. it is saturday and i need to get my hair done, i need to pick upa few new fish, and i need to buy a cpl new shirts.
i walk with my head held hight. i dont feel any thought of hurting myself. i feel like "me"
saturday night, i talk to allan. i say my peice. i have it out with him,. i yell and i cry and i pour my heart out. then mom calls. shepretty much coepltly denies abadoning me in grade 12. i beg her to open up to me, that now we have sumthign in common...adultery and i want to knwo how she made it thru. she is of no help whatsoever. her opinion is i need to moveon and move up to where she lives. she think i need to run away from this all. i say i'll think on it. but i dont. then dad calls. once he find out i'm ok, he then pours his heart out to me about him and his wife. they are thru. bout time! the conversation is 10% me, 90% him. well, at least he called. allan drops me off. he wa shtere for both calls.
late saturday JB stays the night again. and sunday mornign comes.
i go to church mornign service for the first time in only god knows how long. i feel liek the old faith filled me.
i dont want to go back to the hospital at 9pm but....its an honour system. i sais i;d be back for 9pm sunday.
when i get in, i tellt he nirse i want to talk to the dr about discharge.
monday comes. one week of hell has come and gone. i talk to the dr's. i talk to the lovcal metal health clinic.
i'm free to go home.
now here i am. and i am left to do 2 very hard things.
1.... cut off contact with allan. he come here tonight, its friday. he is goign to read my goodbye letter. then wathc me ldelete it. a commitment to never go back to that dark place of sucide. then, i plan to tell him... goodbye. we can;t be freinds. i eman, look what happned the last time. and if emily and him are to have any chance of getting better , i need to be outta the picture. i dont want to be, but its obvious tome that allan and i just can;t be siply freinds. that line was crossed and we can't uncross it.
once you know a person. you can never unknow a person. you can move to different cities. be with other people. but still... they are the one you know i the best of times and the worst of times. they are the one you truly want to be with. and you can;t go back to unknown them. in this case, i knwo allan as a lover... and i can't unknow that love... not now. maybe not ever.
then saturday i paln to talk to emily. ask for her forgivness. altho i dont expect to get it and i dont dserve it. i just need to at least tell her i'm sorry and ask. then i need to say goodbye. cus i dont deserve her freindship, and again...her and allan needme out of their lives....
then i'm moving on with life.... dealing with my family issues...a nd lookign for love...and a home. all over again. i'll keep fighting. and i wotn ever go back to that dark place.
APOLIGIES
a million words will never take back
what i did to you
a million tear wont change
how much i hurt you
maybe one day i'll hear those words
i desperately want you to say
but i have to face
a million days could go by
before you say them
if at all.
HOPE
there is a light
at the end of a tunnel
i always thought it was
hope
then it was the light
from an oncoming train!
foolishness!
the light was hope
after all.
I woke up monday morning at about 9am to 2 cops knocking on my door. My freind in another province had called them, point blank saying " she says she wont do it in the day but i think she's goign to jump off the bridge or sumthing"
well not jump... i was going to take a swim in the river. i am not a strong swimmer, and it was 2 degrees celcius (almost freezing) and the water was strong, fast, and cold...
anyways, talke dto the cops for all of 5 minutes then voluntrilly went to thew hospital and checked myself into the Hotel Psyche
The Hotel Psyche
the darkest place a person can go.
a dark cloud over our heads
desperation and despair
theres no light in here
darkness as my only friend.
i'm blind by despair.
i can't breathe in here
no hope.
soul crushing
heart breaking
darkness.
this is
the darkest place a person
can ever go.
The Hotel P
run run
little white rabbit
down the rabbit hole
cus life has turned upside down
and outta control
run run
little white rabbit
its wonderland you seek
but all you find
is darkness
and defeat
when i saw the admitting on call psychologist, they said they'd admit me and put me on citaopram (antidepressant) and adavan (anti anxiety sedative) and a sleeping pill. i point blank said, i'm not here to be sedated. they promised i wouldnt be. when i was brought to the ward, as the door closed behind me i was filled with even more despair....
i am locked in
can't get out of here
i'm a prisoner.
there no way out.
i cant see the light.
sumbody free me.
there no way out.
is this hell?
i am ed to my room by a nurse.i'm wearing my ball cap. i watch her feet as i walk. she sits me on my bed... and i cry.
i tell her my whole story... everything, allan and emily, my life as a divorced child, feeling of no family, and my affir with allan, hating myself, and wanting to end it all and what my plan was... she consoles me.
Nurse Psyche
a gentle heart
you nod as i tell my story
no judgment
no shame
an extended hand
you reach out to me
you are a light,
in the pit of hell.
i tell her i dont want to be sedated, explain to her this is not depression. i have coping mechanisms and i have ways to deal with stress...its just that these 2 ppl Alan and Emily were at the core of my support and they were blown away and i hated myself for what i'd done. not depression.
she agrees. situational, she says. i see.
I tell her how i react to drugs.... tylonol makes me tired and the last tiem i took adavan it was b4 my heart surgery. surgery was at 130pm, i took the pill at 11am and i dont remember anything after i took the pill...
i'll tell the dr , she promises.
she give me a tour.
I can't stop crying. I'm so overwhelemed. and it is so dark in here....
i see the dr of the ward. tell him everything too. he agrees with me and nurse. situational. no drugs. sleeping pill if you ask. anti anxiety pill of you ask.... but no drugs... situational.
"what do you want
from us"
he asks
"to feel safe"
i whisper
"to feel like me"
i cry
"to not want to hurt myself"
I ask.
"done"
he smiles.
my roomate is 18. so young. and she tried to kill herself. took a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills... ended up here, undergoing electro shock therapy.
i would later think that was a barbaric thing to do to a person, but at that point...i could not feel anything
i go to the phone... sumbody has to bring my stuff... and take care of my animals (2 cats, 2 fish tanks)
dad is in the usa, sumbody needs to call him and he needs to tell my mom.
i try calling my recent friend, my massage therapist. yeah i know. but i can't get thru. i call the church. i can only get voicemails. i leave a message of where i am and how to reach me. then i call allan. emily is at work. and i know he is home with the kids...
he sounds terrible when i call.
i tell him i am at the hospital. i've checked myself in.
i ask for his help. i need my stuff, my animals need taken care of, and my family eneds to be notified.
i beg him... "please, don't leave me alone in here"
he promises he wont. says he'll see me at 4pm.
visiting hours are 4pm-9pm daily. weekends 11am-9pm.
at some point, my pastors shows up. i tell hi everything, "now u know why i havent been to church, and what happened while iw as comepltly away from god."
he tells me god always providesd a way out, and as unglamorous as this place is..its a way out of what i was tempted to do... kill myself. i give him a list of names to call... basically my church group i go to Tuesdays. tell him to let all the staff know. i ask for prayers, and say i am welcome to visitors. i tell him i feel unworthy of god love. i tell him i didnt care the other night if i went to hell, altho now i do care. and i tell him i know nobody is worthy of god's love, but that is head knowledge and hasn't reached my heart yet. we pray. he leaves
i feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up.
allan drops by...and stays pretty much until 9pm, i think. i can't remember... all i know is he was there and so were a few other ppl from my church group....
i read my books in my room. i listen to my music in my room. i occasionally head out. i wear my ball cap at all times. i have no group sesions yet, so i am left to my own devices.
i can hardly function... i want to cocoon. i want to shut the whole world out.
its how i've always survived. shut it out. ride the storm.
only now, i dont want to ride the storm. i want the storm to end me.
this terrifies me.
Freedom
I want to get out of here
how did i wind up like this
where do i go from here
there was something wrong
and nobody saw it
there was something wrong
and nobody knew it
not until it was almost
too late
tuesaday rolls around, and i have groups to go to. i still feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up. i see the phychologist at the hospital, not the ward. i tell him everything. he also agrees it is situational. agrees that this all stems from family issues. and councilling is what i need
relief.
thank god.
i get sick to my stomach and puke in the bathroom.... great. no other symptoms, so must've been emotional...
My wish
"welcome home"
thats what i long to hear
"come home"
thats what my heart listens for
"this is where you belong"
thats my deepest desire
"home will always be here"
words i desperately need to be true.
i see my other pastor (we have 3). i tell him everything, just no names. he tells me despite all this, i have a beautiful spirit.
i dont see it. all i see is darkness inside and out. we pray.
then i have more visitors. and allan comes again.
i have a room full of people. and i still dont feel worthy of their love.
i still want to end my life. I tell them all what happened. minus the names....
and i still feel unworthy of life, and their love.
i am so dark inside.
Suicide
theres a darkness inside
i cant fight
and i'm praying to god
to give me a way out
save me from myself.
the nights are the worst. monday night was a blur... i took a pill to sleep... tonight i try not to.... and i keep thinking of emily. i keep thinking of what i'd done. and how undeserving i am of life and love.
Emily
You're whats on my mind
i can't get over this feeling
right now
i feel so alone
i betrayed you
and now you're gone
nothing is free
and there is always a price
to pay
i never thought it would be so high
or that i might cost
my life
then i can't stop thinking of allan. how betrayed i feel. how used. and how unworthy of his love i feel. despite it all...i don't hate him. i hate myself. i should have been stronger. kicked him out. stayed away. but i was too confused. and he knew it
"you're beautiful"
he whispers
"i love you"
he swears
"i'll always be here"
he says
"this is home"
he promises.
i was his secret.
he broke my heart.
i keep thinking of what had gotten me here. it takes two to tango. but that tango, was always initiated by him. his words are my hearts deepest desires and he says them. altho i was confused, i found myslef wantign him back in my life. tryign to fit him back in. and i didnt care how, because i was so confused. i had tried to fight off his advances. a gentle caress he knew would drive me wild. i cleverly placed hand. a grope. his chest hairs exposed. shirtless or open buttoned top. his arms arousd me. cuddling. i just, there was only so much i could do and i was so confused. i didnt want to kick him out. i loved him. but i knew what we were doing was wrong so i'd fight it. but ther was only so long i could fight. until i lost all self respect and eventually, to regain my self respect (in a bad way) i gave in to my desires and let him back in..
and that was the beginnig of the end of my liking me and the beginning of how i ended up here in this dark place and how he broke my heart and emily's. its not all his fault. i'm not blaming him. i'm just saying... he took advantage of my confused heart.
Alan
"here is my heart"
i whisper
"it is fragile"
i declare
"i'll hold it safely"
you say
"right here, it is safe"
you promise
but then you smashed it to pieces
"i'm sorry"
you cry
"i'll fix it"
you proclaim.
"forget it"
i mumble
"it is too late.
it cannot be fixed
by you"
i can't stop the thoughts, or the tears. i am feeling even more unloved, unworthy of love. i feel liek i am an adulterous woman, who has nothign good in her heart. no longer pure or beautiful spirit. a liar, a cheat. and adulterous woman. i feel so honeless. so unworthy of love
Stray
I am a stray
unloved and unwanted
i bounce from place to place
no true home for too long
i don't understand
what i did wrong
to deserve this?
why is home so
unobtainable
and why am i not worth
keeping?
Blame
Its not all my fault
I know
But it takes two to tango
I was not not afraid
to own up to it
but what i was afraid of
was losing home
and family
which i feel like i did
all over again.
i eventually ask for a sleeping pill. Wednesday rolls around. i wake up and for the first time in a very long time... i pray. and not a prayer for help. not a prayer to help me have faith again. not a prayer where i was forcing myself to beleive. no a genuine prayer of thanksgiving, of just sayign hello, and asking god to bless me and the ppl in here.
and a thought hits me...
I have choir tonight. I can't miss choir. easter is coming. the eater play is almost here. easter is important. i can't miss that.
i ask for an evening pass. and get it. no questions asked. I wiz thru the day. go to all my groups. and all the while. i am feelign better and better. i start making eye contact. i start smiling. my freind JB pops by at 4pm and i run outta there lieka bat outta hell. actually, considering i think of that palce liek hell...thats actually the perfect analogy!
JB and me hang out at my place watching dr horribles sing along blog. we then catcha cab out. i go to my freind's place to get to choir and JB heads to work. i foget my ball cap at home. the past 4 days, i've worn my ballcap day in and out. even fallen asleep with my ballcap on.... and today, i forget it at home.
i go to choir and i sing my heart out. i feel even better. and when i get back to the hospital ward... i tell the nurse what i felt today. and i refuse a sleeping pill.. and i fall asleep.... and guess what... i was not feeling sick in my stomach either....
thursday rolls around. and i want out! now the hotel psyche feels soul crushing in a whole different way. now i feel like i am full of light, and the darkness of the Hotel Psyche is crushing that light. i do all my groups. i want out. itell the nurse i want to talk to the dr about a weekend pass...
friday morning.... i get told i am granted my weeknd pass...
i call alan...
tell him i want out. i go to see my psycologist, goa to my groups and at 2pm.. i bust out! allan and his kids take me around town till 530pm. to get stuff i need. then they leave to pick up emily.
i ask JB to drop by about 10pm. i am alone. fir the first time in 5 days.... and damn does it feel good!
the whole weeeknd passes by. i come to terms with what i'd done. coem to terms that altho i hate myslef, i can learnt o love me again. and that i need councilling to get overmy family issues. that night I talk to a close freind of mae's and mine who i';d lost touch with. i tell her how i felt last weekend. that basically, i didnt care if i had gone to hell. i just wanted to dies. i told her all about allan and emily (minus names) and i tell ehr i repent and want to change. i tell her i feel lie me and have no dark thoguth whatsoever of hurting myslef.
we pray. JB shows up.
next morning, JB heads to work. i go shopping. it is saturday and i need to get my hair done, i need to pick upa few new fish, and i need to buy a cpl new shirts.
i walk with my head held hight. i dont feel any thought of hurting myself. i feel like "me"
saturday night, i talk to allan. i say my peice. i have it out with him,. i yell and i cry and i pour my heart out. then mom calls. shepretty much coepltly denies abadoning me in grade 12. i beg her to open up to me, that now we have sumthign in common...adultery and i want to knwo how she made it thru. she is of no help whatsoever. her opinion is i need to moveon and move up to where she lives. she think i need to run away from this all. i say i'll think on it. but i dont. then dad calls. once he find out i'm ok, he then pours his heart out to me about him and his wife. they are thru. bout time! the conversation is 10% me, 90% him. well, at least he called. allan drops me off. he wa shtere for both calls.
late saturday JB stays the night again. and sunday mornign comes.
i go to church mornign service for the first time in only god knows how long. i feel liek the old faith filled me.
i dont want to go back to the hospital at 9pm but....its an honour system. i sais i;d be back for 9pm sunday.
when i get in, i tellt he nirse i want to talk to the dr about discharge.
monday comes. one week of hell has come and gone. i talk to the dr's. i talk to the lovcal metal health clinic.
i'm free to go home.
now here i am. and i am left to do 2 very hard things.
1.... cut off contact with allan. he come here tonight, its friday. he is goign to read my goodbye letter. then wathc me ldelete it. a commitment to never go back to that dark place of sucide. then, i plan to tell him... goodbye. we can;t be freinds. i eman, look what happned the last time. and if emily and him are to have any chance of getting better , i need to be outta the picture. i dont want to be, but its obvious tome that allan and i just can;t be siply freinds. that line was crossed and we can't uncross it.
once you know a person. you can never unknow a person. you can move to different cities. be with other people. but still... they are the one you know i the best of times and the worst of times. they are the one you truly want to be with. and you can;t go back to unknown them. in this case, i knwo allan as a lover... and i can't unknow that love... not now. maybe not ever.
then saturday i paln to talk to emily. ask for her forgivness. altho i dont expect to get it and i dont dserve it. i just need to at least tell her i'm sorry and ask. then i need to say goodbye. cus i dont deserve her freindship, and again...her and allan needme out of their lives....
then i'm moving on with life.... dealing with my family issues...a nd lookign for love...and a home. all over again. i'll keep fighting. and i wotn ever go back to that dark place.
APOLIGIES
a million words will never take back
what i did to you
a million tear wont change
how much i hurt you
maybe one day i'll hear those words
i desperately want you to say
but i have to face
a million days could go by
before you say them
if at all.
HOPE
there is a light
at the end of a tunnel
i always thought it was
hope
then it was the light
from an oncoming train!
foolishness!
the light was hope
after all.
today's theme songs
last week... i was one step away from doing it. i wanted sumbody to find me. to stop me. as much as i wanted it to end, part of me reached for help.... and i was so close to falling.... one foot wrong, i needed sumbody to get in....and find "me" cus i felt like i was not loved.... not worthy of love.
Pink
One foot wrong
Lyrics
Am I sweating
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line I put my money down
Some freedom is the tiniest cell in town
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If it's it bad is it always my fault?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong, I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong and I'm fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone, yeah
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Pink
One foot wrong
Lyrics
Am I sweating
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to talk me down
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line I put my money down
Some freedom is the tiniest cell in town
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If it's it bad is it always my fault?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong, I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong and I'm fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone
Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone, yeah
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
the hotel psyche
psyche:
- mind: that which is responsible for one's thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason; "his mind wandered"; "I couldn't get his words ...
- soul: the immaterial part of a person; the actuating cause of an individual life
The Hotel P or The Hotel Psyche:
- also known as the Psychiatric ward of a hospital
- a name created by cries alone to help her laugh even just a little bit about where she was. instead of saying to herself she was in the psychiatric ward she'd say she was just having a short visit at the Hotel P/ Hotel Psyche.
The Hotel C or the Hotel Crazy:
- the original name for the Hotel P or the Hotel Psyche. the name was changed as saying Hotel Crazy had a negative feeling associated with it .
- also known as the Psychiatric ward of a hospital
so... if you read the last few posts, you can put 2 and 2 together... last sunday night, i spent the night...writing emails... and then dividing my property (littel as it was) and that took me until dawn. i called a friend who i'd talked to Saturday night. she was the one who called allan saturday and allan came and got me away from the river.... anyways, she called the cops. cops showed up. i voluntarily checked myself in to the hospital .... was just discharged yesterday... i feel liek "me" again. no thoughts of suicide or hurting myself. now i am just tired from this whole ordeal, took a lot outta me. and i am also dealing with the heartbreak. i'll write more later... about inside, my poetry, my thoughts. what happened sunday when i was on my weekend pass.... everything..... but right now... i'm just too tired... this took a lot outta me emotionally... and now i just want tobe home.. and relax...
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