easter is a coming

well, Easter is among us almost. that means it is time for my church's Easter passion play. 400 sum odd ppl, all working together to put on a show which has been said to be of theater quality. all in an effort to reach out to the community, show our faith.... and also give those of us which a theater itch a chance to scratch that itch!
last year i was not around fer the play... Easter felt so empty
i like Easter better then Christmas. we dont so a Christmas play. and Christmas is all about family and its always lonely fr me. Easter tho, i dont need family. and its always so busy i forget i dont have any family to celebrate it with...
i love Easter. its so much better then Christmas
but..... i'm not sure i fit in. i mean, i know there are ppl who have all made mistakes too, and i am open and honest about what i've done and that it was wrong... but still...
am i really ok to be up there? i mean, i know nobody is worthy of God's love... nobody is worthy of preaching his gospel, nobody is worthy of leading ppl in worship... but given what i've done i just feel even more unworthy...
anyways..
i'm still struggling with guilt. i am still not back to work. i still dont have adequate counseling, scratch that ... i have a counselor who i have seen ONCE and that was to tell her about em and what brought me there and shes a fucking social worker...USELESS!
so i am still in a dark place....
just not dark enuff to kill myself...
or hurt myself....
i'm still struggling....
and i'm trying to remember sumthign allan said from the beginning... no regrets...only, i'm full of them.
fuck!
and still in love
DOUBLE FUCK
annnnnnd feeling overwhelming guilt
TRIPPLE FUCK
OH AND ALL THIS TALK OF FUCKS...MAKES ME WANNA FUCK SUMBODY...
QUADRUPOLE SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM FUCK! oh no wait, that'd be a good fuck...ummm..bad fuck? no wait, according to Murphy's laws even bad fucks are good fucks... oh fer fuck sakes will i stop talking about fucking!!! <--- this is my attempt at acting like the old me again.... is it convincing yet? didnt think so.
anyways... totally feeling like a pink song today.... when she mentioned the tiniest cell, yeah that was the psych ward room... dont wanna go back there.... still, walking a thin line. not gonna do anything stupid but...one foot wrong...is all it will take...

Pink
One foot wrong
lyrics:

Am I sweating?
Or are these tears on my face?
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate.
Call someone
I need a friend to talk me down

But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

Does anyone see this?
Lucky me, I guess I'm the chosen one
Color and madness
First in line, I put my money down
Some freedom
Is the tinest cell, it's hell

But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side of the abyss
If it's bad, is it always my fault?
Or did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?


One foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
I put one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall

But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
Just one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it
All the lights are on
But I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me?
Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll love me when I'm gone

Have to love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
You'll have to love me when I'm gone