wonderful

i've gone down the rabbit hole...
so, heres the sitch. been diagnosed with depression. the dr felt previously it was always emotional, temporary but now... its not. she feels this is sumthing i need meds for and it isnt going away this time..
depression...
hunh.
i'm feeling pretty low.
itsone thing to hear a dr say "this is temporary. 6 mths to a yr on this med tops combined with counseling and you'll be fine. we'll take yo off the med and that'll be that"
it is a whole other thing to hear "this isnt going away this time."

i'm feeling pretty low
i'm terrified.
i don't believe in social styma. if sumbody asks, i'll say "i struggle with depression" i just won't get into the gory details.... i won't hide it. it is an illness. and i'm fine with that.
i wont hide it
but i am terrified that people will just write me off when they find out.
just say that i'm too much to deal with and write me outta their lives....
afterall, i have had it happen b4. as recently as last year i had a friend who just dropped outta my life. and i found out later she just felt i was too much hassle to be her friend. she felt like i always blew things outta proportion and was tired of dealing with my bull shit...

worat part was, i thought of her as a best friend ...her an emily. when she left i had emily....
and now emily is gone and i'm trying to find my way thru all these relationships to find sumbody who i can call my best friend... i've got this depression to deal with and i feel like i have nobody to truly rely on...lots of friend, but i dont have that sense of family and i dont even have a best friend any longer. lost of ppl who care...but no one that i truly connect with on a deeper level...

have you ever felt liek you had a million freinds...but still felt alone?
thats how i feel. a sea of people, so many people in my life...but alone. nobody who is past that wall i've built up nobody who is truly right there with me beside me...

alone.

i won't do anything stupid, i promise. no harmful thoughts, no suicide... i'm just...
ina really dark place right now ...
i keep spiraling down and its.. it is alot to handle alone...
i'm reaching out o people...trying to build relationships. trying, seeking to connect...
but at the same time...i'm spiraling...

an i'm terrified.

does anybody really know what i'm going thru

and on top of all this...
i am terrified i am homewrecker. the guilt is still there. it is overwhelming. and then theres the wondering why? i asked allan "why"... he has not said why.... and its hurt so badly cus all i can think of is...
he lied? he just wanted sex? i an;t understand why he'd not tell her? and it make me feel so worthless. lie a slut. a good for nothing but a fuck....thats how i feel... and i do not think i will ever think otherwise .... cus i dont know why he dint tell her...
all those things he said... even the card he gave me for valentines...saying that i was his girlfriend... it was all .... lies? was it?

thru all the pain and confusion
was it real
or just an illusion
tell me why
so i can move on.
tell me,
why?
was it real?