slut! thats me! ?????

tonight, i sit here heartbroken
again
i really don't understand what part of me just cant stay angry at allan. i mean, i am tryignt o be angry at him. even went so far as to send him and angry email. everything is aid was true. i felt hurt, used, taken adavatage of. i felt liek he'd been cowardly and had ruined our chances of ever bein together
but then the anger slips away and i'm left with love. and it hurts o very badly
i love him
and then theres the guilt...omg the guilt and the shame i feel for the affair. i just, i cant handle that. i honeslty harte myself
dont worry i'm not gonna hurt myself or kill myself
i just i am admitting... i'mhaving a hard time with my heart right now....
and i feel so worthless, like garbage.
i keep calling myself a slut. which is ridiculous cus allan is only the second man i'v eever slept with, ontly the 4th boyfreind i've ever had. my first rleationship since my divorce.
i'm not a slut
but i keep callign myself that
part of me wants to run around and sleep with everyman ic an find....cus i dont think i'm worth anything else.... but i know that wrong
but it doesnt mean i dont think it
i seripusly, feellike a slut...and a homewrecker.... and worthless...
who will love me after what i've done? how will anybody love me knowing what i did?
i'ma rooten, slut who had an affair and ruined a marriage....
i cant seem to forgive myself....
i'll forgive allan
i'll ask emily fro forgivness
but ic ant forgive me....
it haunts me day in and day out
slut
slut
SLUT!!!!!!!
FILTY DIRLTY SLUT!!!!!
HOMEWRECKER!!!!!!
ADULTEROUS SLUT!!!!
and i tell myself its wrong and i tell myself to stop thinkignt hat way and i cant
if i;d only been strong enuff i could have stopped allan and this woudl never have happened
but he pushed
and pushed
and pushed and i was confused
and stupid
and i let him take advatage of me.... cu evetually i couldnt fight naylonger... my reserves ran out
slut!

why do i keep beating myself up liek this
... man i need a psychologist desperatly... stupid fucking system! gave me a social worker.... oh well sum councilling is better then none and maybe she can hook me up witha a shrink.... deal with this lack of self worth and such