i never liked basketball anyways

hello rebound! goodbye rebound.
JB dropped by last night. He's made his feelings known before, altho i always smiled and said he was my JB and a good freind and thats how i liked him. or i'd say "actually i'm involved with a guy right now"
and what i never tell him... i need sumbody i cnashare my faith with. i had that with allan, he enever went to church but we talked about God and the bible and such. allan beleives in God, just not religion. LOL JB..... is a Pagan (not derogatory, thats what his faith is.)
and i need sumbody who is emotionally stable. JB is wonderfully sweet, but he has emotional issues.... and i just can't handle em.
aanyways JB is aware of the whole allan situation....
so he knows i'm single... and very broken.
last night, i had to tell him to back down. i was rebounding hardcore, and didnt want to do that to him, cus everything is causal right now, and the next guy i date even if it a slow take yer time relationship... will be arebound. unless i've taken time to compleltly fall out oflove with allan first.
nothing happned.... could have... but didnt.
last night, we ended up watching a movie. cheesy b rated movie. and eventually... cuddled. JB likes his cuddles, had offered b4, i always declined. this time i will admit, i was lonely, and very emotuional, and JB was being so very sweet.
then come the kisses. i dunno how the started. never on my lips, just on my neck and then i'm closing my eyes and guess what...
allan comes to mind.
i have to force myself to realise it isnt allan there. open my eyes.
i relaisde this has got to stop...it coudsl lead to more and i dont want that...well part of me does but the majority doesnt. not with JB.....
so i did the same thing to JB i do to allan when i'd want him to stop. at least we were fully clothed.
I cling to JB ina huge hug. put my hesd right bside hise head, and just hug as close as i can get my body to his. hug.
JB asks whats wrong. i ask him to stop. i tell him, i'm not thinking of him, i keep thinking of my ex. i tell him i'm not over him. i tell him we need to stop this. i'm rebounding, and it is wrong. i tell him i need my JB as a freind, and i'm not ready for anything...even casual... cus i'm still thinking and still inlove with allan.
we never sis anything... just cuddled, and he kissed my neck.... no sex, no petting, no nothing.... no groping, no dry shagging or whatever u call it... nothing. he just kissedmy neck. thats it.
and i stoppedit b4 i was more. cus i knwo when i'm weak and tempted. i may not ahve been able to stop myslef aroudn allan, but i do have self controld around other men. and i stopped this b4 it was worse...
poor JB. he's worn his heart on his sleeve with me a few times... and i've always either been with frank, or with allan, or now... not over allan.
we talk fer a good long time. anf then, he goes to bed as do i (separatly)

i'm glad we didnt do anytign ... i mean, i didnt even kiss him...

poor JB tho.... he left today, heartbroken. saying he's resigned to beign single. i again told him, i didnt want to hurt him. that i'm not over my ex and if i did do anythign with him..it was a rebound... i didnt tell hiim that if we did do anyting, i'd be thinkign of allan the whole time. there are just sumthings you dont say to aguy witha broken heart whose been rejected by the gal he's been crushing on for a few yrs... yeah, he addmited he'd liked me that way fer a while...

fuck.... i need to ge over allan if ever i'llbe ahppy.

i keep tellign myself that JB is a sweet man, and he never came over woth the intentions to try to get with me in sum way..... i keepsaying that... but after allan.... i wonder....
and i question...
and suddenly all those sweet things JB said to me are tainted....
i could never be with JB. trust me, this was a rebound and would never have been anything. JB is not sumbody i could hava relationship with liek that. he's my JB, but he's not MY jb.

i've gotta keepo my guard up now... make sure i dont put myself in any more precarious situations with men. last thing i need is a rebound....