my longest post..... ever

So, last week...was the week from hell.
I woke up monday morning at about 9am to 2 cops knocking on my door. My freind in another province had called them, point blank saying " she says she wont do it in the day but i think she's goign to jump off the bridge or sumthing"
well not jump... i was going to take a swim in the river. i am not a strong swimmer, and it was 2 degrees celcius (almost freezing) and the water was strong, fast, and cold...
anyways, talke dto the cops for all of 5 minutes then voluntrilly went to thew hospital and checked myself into the Hotel Psyche

The Hotel Psyche

the darkest place a person can go.
a dark cloud over our heads
desperation and despair
theres no light in here
darkness as my only friend.
i'm blind by despair.
i can't breathe in here
no hope.
soul crushing
heart breaking
darkness.
this is
the darkest place a person
can ever go.

The Hotel P

run run
little white rabbit
down the rabbit hole
cus life has turned upside down
and outta control
run run
little white rabbit
its wonderland you seek
but all you find
is darkness
and defeat

when i saw the admitting on call psychologist, they said they'd admit me and put me on citaopram (antidepressant) and adavan (anti anxiety sedative) and a sleeping pill. i point blank said, i'm not here to be sedated. they promised i wouldnt be. when i was brought to the ward, as the door closed behind me i was filled with even more despair....

i am locked in
can't get out of here
i'm a prisoner.
there no way out.
i cant see the light.
sumbody free me.
there no way out.
is this hell?

i am ed to my room by a nurse.i'm wearing my ball cap. i watch her feet as i walk. she sits me on my bed... and i cry.
i tell her my whole story... everything, allan and emily, my life as a divorced child, feeling of no family, and my affir with allan, hating myself, and wanting to end it all and what my plan was... she consoles me.

Nurse Psyche

a gentle heart
you nod as i tell my story
no judgment
no shame
an extended hand
you reach out to me
you are a light,
in the pit of hell.

i tell her i dont want to be sedated, explain to her this is not depression. i have coping mechanisms and i have ways to deal with stress...its just that these 2 ppl Alan and Emily were at the core of my support and they were blown away and i hated myself for what i'd done. not depression.
she agrees. situational, she says. i see.
I tell her how i react to drugs.... tylonol makes me tired and the last tiem i took adavan it was b4 my heart surgery. surgery was at 130pm, i took the pill at 11am and i dont remember anything after i took the pill...
i'll tell the dr , she promises.
she give me a tour.
I can't stop crying. I'm so overwhelemed. and it is so dark in here....
i see the dr of the ward. tell him everything too. he agrees with me and nurse. situational. no drugs. sleeping pill if you ask. anti anxiety pill of you ask.... but no drugs... situational.

"what do you want
from us"
he asks
"to feel safe"
i whisper
"to feel like me"
i cry
"to not want to hurt myself"
I ask.
"done"
he smiles.

my roomate is 18. so young. and she tried to kill herself. took a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills... ended up here, undergoing electro shock therapy.
i would later think that was a barbaric thing to do to a person, but at that point...i could not feel anything
i go to the phone... sumbody has to bring my stuff... and take care of my animals (2 cats, 2 fish tanks)
dad is in the usa, sumbody needs to call him and he needs to tell my mom.
i try calling my recent friend, my massage therapist. yeah i know. but i can't get thru. i call the church. i can only get voicemails. i leave a message of where i am and how to reach me. then i call allan. emily is at work. and i know he is home with the kids...
he sounds terrible when i call.
i tell him i am at the hospital. i've checked myself in.
i ask for his help. i need my stuff, my animals need taken care of, and my family eneds to be notified.
i beg him... "please, don't leave me alone in here"
he promises he wont. says he'll see me at 4pm.
visiting hours are 4pm-9pm daily. weekends 11am-9pm.
at some point, my pastors shows up. i tell hi everything, "now u know why i havent been to church, and what happened while iw as comepltly away from god."
he tells me god always providesd a way out, and as unglamorous as this place is..its a way out of what i was tempted to do... kill myself. i give him a list of names to call... basically my church group i go to Tuesdays. tell him to let all the staff know. i ask for prayers, and say i am welcome to visitors. i tell him i feel unworthy of god love. i tell him i didnt care the other night if i went to hell, altho now i do care. and i tell him i know nobody is worthy of god's love, but that is head knowledge and hasn't reached my heart yet. we pray. he leaves
i feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up.
allan drops by...and stays pretty much until 9pm, i think. i can't remember... all i know is he was there and so were a few other ppl from my church group....
i read my books in my room. i listen to my music in my room. i occasionally head out. i wear my ball cap at all times. i have no group sesions yet, so i am left to my own devices.
i can hardly function... i want to cocoon. i want to shut the whole world out.
its how i've always survived. shut it out. ride the storm.
only now, i dont want to ride the storm. i want the storm to end me.
this terrifies me.

Freedom

I want to get out of here
how did i wind up like this
where do i go from here
there was something wrong
and nobody saw it
there was something wrong
and nobody knew it
not until it was almost
too late

tuesaday rolls around, and i have groups to go to. i still feel so very sick. i ask for a gravol for my stomach. and fight the urge to throw up. i see the phychologist at the hospital, not the ward. i tell him everything. he also agrees it is situational. agrees that this all stems from family issues. and councilling is what i need
relief.
thank god.
i get sick to my stomach and puke in the bathroom.... great. no other symptoms, so must've been emotional...
My wish

"welcome home"
thats what i long to hear
"come home"
thats what my heart listens for
"this is where you belong"
thats my deepest desire
"home will always be here"
words i desperately need to be true.

i see my other pastor (we have 3). i tell him everything, just no names. he tells me despite all this, i have a beautiful spirit.
i dont see it. all i see is darkness inside and out. we pray.
then i have more visitors. and allan comes again.
i have a room full of people. and i still dont feel worthy of their love.
i still want to end my life. I tell them all what happened. minus the names....
and i still feel unworthy of life, and their love.
i am so dark inside.

Suicide
theres a darkness inside
i cant fight
and i'm praying to god
to give me a way out
save me from myself.

the nights are the worst. monday night was a blur... i took a pill to sleep... tonight i try not to.... and i keep thinking of emily. i keep thinking of what i'd done. and how undeserving i am of life and love.

Emily

You're whats on my mind
i can't get over this feeling
right now
i feel so alone
i betrayed you
and now you're gone
nothing is free
and there is always a price
to pay
i never thought it would be so high
or that i might cost
my life

then i can't stop thinking of allan. how betrayed i feel. how used. and how unworthy of his love i feel. despite it all...i don't hate him. i hate myself. i should have been stronger. kicked him out. stayed away. but i was too confused. and he knew it

"you're beautiful"
he whispers
"i love you"
he swears
"i'll always be here"
he says
"this is home"
he promises.
i was his secret.
he broke my heart.

i keep thinking of what had gotten me here. it takes two to tango. but that tango, was always initiated by him. his words are my hearts deepest desires and he says them. altho i was confused, i found myslef wantign him back in my life. tryign to fit him back in. and i didnt care how, because i was so confused. i had tried to fight off his advances. a gentle caress he knew would drive me wild. i cleverly placed hand. a grope. his chest hairs exposed. shirtless or open buttoned top. his arms arousd me. cuddling. i just, there was only so much i could do and i was so confused. i didnt want to kick him out. i loved him. but i knew what we were doing was wrong so i'd fight it. but ther was only so long i could fight. until i lost all self respect and eventually, to regain my self respect (in a bad way) i gave in to my desires and let him back in..
and that was the beginnig of the end of my liking me and the beginning of how i ended up here in this dark place and how he broke my heart and emily's. its not all his fault. i'm not blaming him. i'm just saying... he took advantage of my confused heart.

Alan

"here is my heart"
i whisper
"it is fragile"
i declare
"i'll hold it safely"
you say
"right here, it is safe"
you promise
but then you smashed it to pieces
"i'm sorry"
you cry
"i'll fix it"
you proclaim.
"forget it"
i mumble
"it is too late.
it cannot be fixed
by you"


i can't stop the thoughts, or the tears. i am feeling even more unloved, unworthy of love. i feel liek i am an adulterous woman, who has nothign good in her heart. no longer pure or beautiful spirit. a liar, a cheat. and adulterous woman. i feel so honeless. so unworthy of love

Stray

I am a stray
unloved and unwanted
i bounce from place to place
no true home for too long
i don't understand
what i did wrong
to deserve this?
why is home so
unobtainable
and why am i not worth
keeping?

Blame

Its not all my fault
I know
But it takes two to tango
I was not not afraid
to own up to it
but what i was afraid of
was losing home
and family
which i feel like i did
all over again.


i eventually ask for a sleeping pill. Wednesday rolls around. i wake up and for the first time in a very long time... i pray. and not a prayer for help. not a prayer to help me have faith again. not a prayer where i was forcing myself to beleive. no a genuine prayer of thanksgiving, of just sayign hello, and asking god to bless me and the ppl in here.
and a thought hits me...
I have choir tonight. I can't miss choir. easter is coming. the eater play is almost here. easter is important. i can't miss that.
i ask for an evening pass. and get it. no questions asked. I wiz thru the day. go to all my groups. and all the while. i am feelign better and better. i start making eye contact. i start smiling. my freind JB pops by at 4pm and i run outta there lieka bat outta hell. actually, considering i think of that palce liek hell...thats actually the perfect analogy!
JB and me hang out at my place watching dr horribles sing along blog. we then catcha cab out. i go to my freind's place to get to choir and JB heads to work. i foget my ball cap at home. the past 4 days, i've worn my ballcap day in and out. even fallen asleep with my ballcap on.... and today, i forget it at home.
i go to choir and i sing my heart out. i feel even better. and when i get back to the hospital ward... i tell the nurse what i felt today. and i refuse a sleeping pill.. and i fall asleep.... and guess what... i was not feeling sick in my stomach either....

thursday rolls around. and i want out! now the hotel psyche feels soul crushing in a whole different way. now i feel like i am full of light, and the darkness of the Hotel Psyche is crushing that light. i do all my groups. i want out. itell the nurse i want to talk to the dr about a weekend pass...
friday morning.... i get told i am granted my weeknd pass...
i call alan...
tell him i want out. i go to see my psycologist, goa to my groups and at 2pm.. i bust out! allan and his kids take me around town till 530pm. to get stuff i need. then they leave to pick up emily.
i ask JB to drop by about 10pm. i am alone. fir the first time in 5 days.... and damn does it feel good!
the whole weeeknd passes by. i come to terms with what i'd done. coem to terms that altho i hate myslef, i can learnt o love me again. and that i need councilling to get overmy family issues. that night I talk to a close freind of mae's and mine who i';d lost touch with. i tell her how i felt last weekend. that basically, i didnt care if i had gone to hell. i just wanted to dies. i told her all about allan and emily (minus names) and i tell ehr i repent and want to change. i tell her i feel lie me and have no dark thoguth whatsoever of hurting myslef.
we pray. JB shows up.
next morning, JB heads to work. i go shopping. it is saturday and i need to get my hair done, i need to pick upa few new fish, and i need to buy a cpl new shirts.
i walk with my head held hight. i dont feel any thought of hurting myself. i feel like "me"
saturday night, i talk to allan. i say my peice. i have it out with him,. i yell and i cry and i pour my heart out. then mom calls. shepretty much coepltly denies abadoning me in grade 12. i beg her to open up to me, that now we have sumthign in common...adultery and i want to knwo how she made it thru. she is of no help whatsoever. her opinion is i need to moveon and move up to where she lives. she think i need to run away from this all. i say i'll think on it. but i dont. then dad calls. once he find out i'm ok, he then pours his heart out to me about him and his wife. they are thru. bout time! the conversation is 10% me, 90% him. well, at least he called. allan drops me off. he wa shtere for both calls.
late saturday JB stays the night again. and sunday mornign comes.
i go to church mornign service for the first time in only god knows how long. i feel liek the old faith filled me.
i dont want to go back to the hospital at 9pm but....its an honour system. i sais i;d be back for 9pm sunday.
when i get in, i tellt he nirse i want to talk to the dr about discharge.
monday comes. one week of hell has come and gone. i talk to the dr's. i talk to the lovcal metal health clinic.
i'm free to go home.
now here i am. and i am left to do 2 very hard things.
1.... cut off contact with allan. he come here tonight, its friday. he is goign to read my goodbye letter. then wathc me ldelete it. a commitment to never go back to that dark place of sucide. then, i plan to tell him... goodbye. we can;t be freinds. i eman, look what happned the last time. and if emily and him are to have any chance of getting better , i need to be outta the picture. i dont want to be, but its obvious tome that allan and i just can;t be siply freinds. that line was crossed and we can't uncross it.
once you know a person. you can never unknow a person. you can move to different cities. be with other people. but still... they are the one you know i the best of times and the worst of times. they are the one you truly want to be with. and you can;t go back to unknown them. in this case, i knwo allan as a lover... and i can't unknow that love... not now. maybe not ever.
then saturday i paln to talk to emily. ask for her forgivness. altho i dont expect to get it and i dont dserve it. i just need to at least tell her i'm sorry and ask. then i need to say goodbye. cus i dont deserve her freindship, and again...her and allan needme out of their lives....
then i'm moving on with life.... dealing with my family issues...a nd lookign for love...and a home. all over again. i'll keep fighting. and i wotn ever go back to that dark place.

APOLIGIES

a million words will never take back
what i did to you
a million tear wont change
how much i hurt you
maybe one day i'll hear those words
i desperately want you to say
but i have to face
a million days could go by
before you say them
if at all.

HOPE

there is a light
at the end of a tunnel
i always thought it was
hope
then it was the light
from an oncoming train!
foolishness!
the light was hope
after all.