blargh!

Wesley and i talked again the othernight.....said he is reluctant to admit he is in love... or sumthing liek that. cus we got tallking bout feelings and i metioned how i know love is xpressed in many ways but that...to date i have heard him say the wsords back to me twice, and another time he said he knew he loved me cus he wld miss me when i was gone...

i am trying to be patient. i undestand he has only ever had one other relationship which was 9 mths and he wa sliek 18 or 19 or 20 and i have been married so fer nce im the one with more experience

but

i just keep thinking im putting my heart out there and ....

i just ....

i am terrified i willend up hurt. that i will love sumbody and .... they dont love me back. like frank eventually did. he just ended up loveing his addiction and his fantasies of children more then me...

and withallan....

he has a new woman now..and told me he doesnt think he could do poly again...

wonderful...so now he is goign to give her...everyhting i left him for... all my rreasons.... we cus of the poly and the hurts of poly and the feeling that poly wasnt goignt o work and it was all poly poly poly and now

now....

he says hemight not want poly...

so.... the man i gave my heart andsoul to..

that tooka year and a half to finally say no to...

tha i said yes to wesley to because wesley offered monogamy not poly....

is..

prob no longer poly....

and...now he tells her,

everything i everr wanted to hear...

and he is no longer any of the reasons i said no to... and...and

and the man i love, wesley....

tells me nothing...

dangles lil things in front of me which make me hope and wish and dream only to have to chide myself and try to pass off as jokes cus i dont know if he is joking or actually means them cus he never actually says anything...

and i am waitng on himm and i ....i had to wait on allan ina way cus of emily. we both had to wait for her. and then i left him and i said no to him...

and i am waiting again...

this time in wesley

and i dont know..

all i know is...

im in love, i am being patiet. not pushing...

but meanwhile my heat says...

ha ha look what u did....

ad i love wesley i do. i want to marry him i want t have a life with him

and and

fer fuck sakes we have been dateing alnost 6 mth and he lives across th hall and he and his dad were thiking of moveing and he never even bothered to tell me cus his dad said not to tell anybody but im his fucking girlfriend and so much of our tie is sedpent together cus helives across the hall and he doesnt even bother to tell me he is possible moveing and im his girlfirend of almost 6 mths... he deosnt even say i love u back and....

oh i dunno...

all i know is....

allan is now telllign her, everyting i ever dreamed of and the reasons i said no are no longer valid...

and the man i do love is eveything oi evr wanted and more but he doesnt say i love u back and he seems like i am waitingon him and its frusyttarting and im terrified i am just goignt o be hurt.

and i need no contact fromallan...

and i need contact with welsey....

fuck.....

wesley.... please.... im waiting..just...dont hurt me. and please wesley i waited on allan for 2 yrs and then sum.... only to have my heart crushed and i said no and now look al the reaosn i said no to are no longer valid and hes giveing ll idreeamed of to another and you...you wesley...i am her waiting for u wesley.... im waiting..again..

always waiting....

i want an equal.. i want to stop waiting....

please wesley..\can i just come home? im tired of being a stary waiting to find home....