I've known him now, fer nine months. i've dated hime for seven of those nine months.... but sometimes i wonder...
i love my wesley with all my heart, and he claims to be good at reading people and i've seen him do it...
so why cant he read me?
after nine months of knowing each other, seven of which dateing.... shouldnt he know...at the very least...
when i'm upset.
even his freinds clued in i was sad. one knew it just by the fact i had fallen behind from the fack and that i wasnt my usual bouncy talkative self....
wesley just walked on
onblivious. or if he wasnt, he didnt adress it. which is worse. so i wlll choose to beleive he was oblivious.
it wasnt anything big, but i was still upset.
i messed up again is all.
yesterday morning, i woke up and had a ruff nights sleep the night before. wesley came by for his usual morning kiss beofre he headed off to work. then at ten to i got my stuff and started to head outthe dorr only to find....
my helmet was not at my place. i had asked wesley to bring it up for me the night before and had forgotten to get it from his place....
i should never have asked him to bringit up, its my responsibility to remember my stuff and cus i was inna rush to get to a freinds place i asked him to bring it up and it got left athis place cus i failed to remeber where it was.
my bad, my fault.
still made me mad at me tho cuswell, not i was gonna be late to work.
so i called wesley hopeing against hope he hadnt left fer work yet....
but when i called, he said that he was almost to work...
"ah fuck, shit. wesley my helmets at yer place! now im gonna be late to work! arrrrgh! i cant afford all these cabs! shit"
"ummmm...well i can pay you back for the cabs dear"
"no, i dont need you to pay for my cabs. its my own damn fault for getting you to bring up my helmet anyways..."
click
he hung up on me
i meant to add, "argh! its my responsibility to remeber mt helmet . not yours. thanks anyways for offering to pay"
but, he hung up b4 i cld finish. he thought i was mad at him. he mistook my anger as anger at hime. and hey i understand why, because if you dont have that extra clarifying bit.... it can seem liek i was angry at him. but i was really angey at myself. not him. i swear. i was not angry at him. i was genuinly honestly angry at myself for forgettingmy helmet at his pace and for not realiseing it till ten mins to .... my own damn fault.
and my freinds know me well enuff to knw that bout me. i get frustrated with myself easilly. get angry at myself easilly. and i vent.
i vent.
then i calm down n i'm fine.
i would loiekto piint out i wasnt freaking out. i wasnt swearing left right and centre. if anyting, i sounded really annoyed. but not pissed off...
but i was pissed off when he hung up on me and i tried calling back and he didnt answer. i evn sent him a text and nuttin.
later that day when i saw him, i said "you hung up on me this morning" and he said "yeah, you were bitching me out" ... i was shocked. first of all, when sumbodys bitching you out... dont u think it might piss em off MORE when u hang up on them. the proper way is to ignore them. keep the phoner one and do sumthign else. eventually they stop ranting and u hear a "hello? hellooo?' and then you gibve it a cpl second silence and say " r u done now?" then the person relaises they were bieng a bitch, and then everybodys calm... hang up...pisses ppl off more.
anyways.... he says cus i bitched him out so then i say
"no babes, i was moaning. complaining. angry at MYSELF. theres a difference"
but then he just brushed it off....
so i said
"u dont hand up on me. thats rude. and next time i'll beat thump you" i added with a smile
he, dint smile
"oh really" he said serious faced....
wtf, cant he tell wheni'm joking????? i've used that joke before....it usually goes "how" and i say "with my boobs, they dont leave bruises" then he usually stuffs his facein my boobs and i shake em and he says "why? why do u do this to me????" and we laugh...
not tis time thos, he took me seriously....
so, i began to mope cus he was mad at me er sumthing ....
and i tried not to mope too much.
i just didnt walk beside him hand in hand or arm in arm as usual...
i walked behind.
i wasntmy usual talkative bouncy self.
i was quiet.
i walked alone.
and my face prob didnt have a smile...
welseyes freind, whos known me less time then he has....falls behind and says to me
"everything ok back here. your awfully quiet?"
i said "i'm justa lil down"
he says "oh bummed out bout no game tonight"
i say "no no, not that. bummed out bout this morning. its just started ff wrong"
he says "oh, i understand. ok. " and walks beside me
my freind, whos a guy, who knows me less then my boyfreind...picke dup i was upset...
and my boyfreind didnt...
that hurt.
the night carried on and i'm still mopey. i wanna talk to wesley. apologisefor this morning by expolaining i really wasnt bitchinh him out. that i was honstly moaning at me. i was venting. and theres a difference....
but as the evening ended withhis friend going hoime from my place...
he says he doesnt hav emuch time to stay, has to get home to sleep. hugs me fer bout five mins...
then leaves...
thats it......
i dont even get a decent cuddle in.
so i text him, tell hime point blank, im sad that even his freind oticed..that sumtime she is so logical he misses things. thati was sad and then all i got was five mins with him ....
no reply.
not surprised
he s n ot a terrible boyfriend by anymeans. he trwats me like gold. like a princess,. he is sweet and careing . he is a wonderful boyfreind
just smetimes ...
i feel liek he doesnt know me...and mis interprest what i do orsay...or worse yet..
sometimes he treats meliek one of the guys...
"ok i hung out with her. thats enuff. bye"
its lie he doesnt understand, i need us time too, not just us with buddy time. and it sliek he doesnt get my emotions....
and its been nine mths we have know each other and seven of which dateing...
and i began to wonderif it was just me. or do my freind know me better then him when it coems to sum stuff... like readingmy emotions.
and i wodnered if it was a timne thing. maybe thay have known me longer?
so i texted a buncha freinds... "how do u know ehn i am upset? and what donu do to cheer me up? " i asked long time freinds, and friends i have only known for a short term... one knew me for 6 mths, another 9 mths, anther 1 yr, and two fer 6 yrs and you knwo what
they all came up with " by your tone of voice, your body language...etc etc then asked if i was ok? so iasked if they had a talent for this.... two replied yes, the others just reiterated..its a matter of reading ody language..... anyways
it just....
shouldnt he clue in????
or is it a time thing?
i dunno....
i love him with all my heart...
and he doesnt mess up. he ona learning curve i tel myself.... hes just learning. and it is always little things....
am i just overthinking...but then again..shoudl he have been ableto tell iw as sad? was he mad at me fer this morning? couldnt he have spent more then five mins worth me after we spent several hours with his buddies...
i asked him to stay, and he said "no i sayed uplate a lot this week. i need to sleep"
so, n its not liek i expected him to mind read. when he didnt clue in, i asked him to stay...and he didnt....
so yeah, even wheni ask.... i dotn get....
and i loev him, but there are times when if eel more liek a buddy..then a girlfriend...
and i know hes just inexperienced.....
anther reason i wassad...
the night before he made a comment about moveing in together to a freind...
they asked when he was gonan move in to myplace and he said
"not anytime soon. not for liek five years. im in school"
................
and here is th real rean i wa supset...
here i am
waiting....
again....
five yrs puts me at thirty three or thirty four...
and althoi want to spend my life withhim,,
kinda hoped we cld start a lil sooner then thirty three or thirty four...
espeicially since at thirty to thirty five my high risk pregancy goes from high risk to dangerous given my heart.....
and....i kind dont ewann be in this dateing phase.... fer five yrs....
i woudl liek to move in togetehr...iove together...i figure after bout 2 yrs of dateing....
apparently he thingks five yrs, and i get mixed messages bout that cus we talked before and agreed 1 yr till move in and another yr after b4 marriage....
and now he back to the five yr thing... \
just upset sme...
cus\i am stuck
waiting\again....
for years
again...
and it bring up a lot of bs from emily and allan
\i dont wanna wait that long
i wanna sart my life.... in the near furture...ina yr from now will be amost 2 yrs dateing....
i dnt wan wait another 5 yrs
i am tired of wating......
so very very tired
and thats why i wa supset... combined with the mornign bit.... i was really upset but he nvr noticed, or choose to ignore, which made me more upset...
i just
i want alife witht h man i love
not limbo for five yrs....
at least.... he said fiveyrs at leats...i wld liek to add....
