Group today

We had my survivors of childhood abuse group today.

there was only three of us. numbers have been dwindoling.... but it happens in summer to a lot of groups. shoudl pick up ina moth or sl and stay stead till bout may then drop down again..

Theres a former freind, a gal i know...who pretended to have mergency custody of a child who wa sa survivor..... to con into getting free shit...

makes me sick...

the gfroup knows....

and today, i was asked how i cld be happy and smiling .... was told ki was aan inspiration....strong....etc yada yada yada yada

yeah, right.

me?

i do not feel liek anything al all like what she said....

i still struggle with accepting myself without putting me down....

i dont hink i deserve to be happy

dont think i derserve wesley

i do not hink i am owrthles tho, or garbage...i just... i am very very hard on myself...

many time si wonder...

if i am just meant to be alone

cant hurt anybody when u r alone...

and you cant get hurt neither...

but then i rmeebr what the goups says bout me...and it helps but still...

all the things i hold inside

deep dark thoughts

behind smiling eyes,

a heart scarred,

and a soul in pain.

slut, bitch,

dimwit, fool,

all the thoughts

i fight to control.

life goes on

but thought remain

i am nothing

and never will be.

I dont think of suicide, or hurting myself, or anything liek that...not anymore, i delat with that bull shit. i think nothign destructive, honest...

i just .... dont feel i deserve happiness, love, wealth, family....

and i know i do deserve them. so i try to fight the feelings. i push thru them. try to change them .\its hard work... and it all stems from my abuse as a child. trying to fix yourself physically is hard, tryin to change your patterns of thought and emotional fucked-up-ed-ness, thats harder...

i do deserve happiness, wealth, love family.. i just need to keep remindng myself...

and i tolf the group that today....

anothe rmember shared she finds it hard to get outta bed everymorning, another sdhared that our stretght is her stretgh....

liltte bird with broken wings.... is the picture i get of myself... over and over... i see me, as a little bird with broken wings... everytime i focus inwardly on me

dotn knwo why, but thats the image i keep haveing of me... wonder what it means?