todays theme song

I know your words werent all true now. and it breaks my heart.... y did u not be honest with me. u said the thing u loved most about me is my honesty...

i will move on....altho i wish to god u wld turn the fuck around and knock on my door... u didnt kiss me goodbye, i wish you would have.....

is this what u did for me... did u really love me? and did u just realise u cldnt give me what i needed and let me go... i hope so. becaue it is so much better then the alternative...and wld explain your cowardice..

Song - Kiss me Goodbye (English) by Angela Aki

VIDEO HERE

Lyrics:

You say my love is all you need, to see you through
But I know these words are not quite true

Here is the path you're looking for, an open door
Leading to worlds you long to explore

Go, if you must move on alone
I'm gonna make it on my own
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/angela_aki/kiss_me_good_bye_english_version.html ]
Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
Follow your heart and find your destiny
Won't she'd a tear, for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

As time goes by I know you'll see this of me:
I loved you enough to let you go free

Go, I will give you wings to fly
Cast all your fears into the sky

Kiss me good-bye, love's mystery
All of my life I'll hold you close to me

Won't she'd a tear for love's mortality
For you put the dream in my reality

Kiss me good-bye, love's memory
You put the dream in my reality

tonight i feel liek i wanna cry, and i never will get over him walkign away...and i have ben the kind to let let my feelings show but i really tried to be strong and trying to let my pain not show but it goes and shows itself and.... yeah. i also wanna go away ina transdimensional time device like the Doctor has.... then i'd go back in tiem and watch all the fun times we had..

and i never will get over you tho if i hide...

so i go on

even if i dont wan to...

i really wish...he would come back.

he is doing just fine, and i am falling apart...

TONIGHT I WANN CRY: Keith Urban

Video HERE

LYRICS:

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

oOOo

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Freddie Mercury- Love kills(Star rider Remix)

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS

Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living past time, ruining your heartline
Stays for a lifetime, won't let you go
Coz love love love won't leave you alone

Love don't give no compensation, love don't pay no bills
Love don't give no indication, love just won't stand still

Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living past time, ruining your heartline
Stays for a lifetime, won't let you go
Coz love love love won't leave you alone

Love won't take no reservations, love is no square deal
Hey love don't give no justification, it strikes like cold steel

Love kills, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, burning your lifeline
Gives you a hard time won't let you go
Coz love (love) love (love) love won't leave you alone

Hey love can play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart
Hey love kills
Play with your emotions
Open invitation to your heart (to your heart)
Love kills (love kills), hey hey, love kills (love kills)
Love kills kills kills kills
Love can play with your emotions, open invitation

Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, scars you from the start
It's just a living pastime, ruining your hearrline
Won't let you go
Love kills, hey, drills you through your heart
Love kills, tears you right apart
It won't let go, it won't let go
Love kills, yeah

I will NEVER be here again because of love, i promise i will not go this dark ever again over a man..but...damn.... I am so heartbroken....

Kangel - Tears That I Cry

VIDEO HERE

These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life [[my life...]]

Turn around and walk away
I need some personal space
To get my mind straight and disappear without a trace
My life is just a waste of money and minutes
Like love is just a waste of my tears and my feelings
Nobody else is living my life except myself
I can choose to ignore the conditions of my health
Bad days become weak days and hard to really speak
Explain what's on my mind and everything all combined
Dammit I ain't lying
Dear god I feel like dying
Why is it every night that my eyes continue crying?
Alone here in the dark and writing these last words
My gift is not a blessing
My obsession is a curse
Thought it couldn't be worse
Feeling how much it hurts
My pride is ready to burst from putting myself first
Trying to help someone else before I can help myself
I wanted to end the pain that's real is how I felt

These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life [[my life...]]

How many fuckin times does a young one have to try
Still struggling to live but still itchin to die
Sometimes I used to cry because I felt nobody cared
All the pain I used to have I felt no one could share
Sometimes I felt alone because no on was even there
My days of tears are done because there's no more tears to shed
All I see it in my head like how I'm gonna die
Leave my body lying cold my fam (or fans) n peeps will cry
And Bullets will always fly
your mommas will always try
to see the lil kid's G each ride up in the sky
And it's worth every minute when we stare into their eyes
And kids did daddy's tried it but to blind it with pride
So instead they gotta hide
Don't kno if the kid's alive trying to hold on the feeling
And we see that's just a lie
Because most men do it
Doesn't mean it makes it right
It takes two to make a life
One husband and his wife

These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life [[my life...]]

There's lots of kids sleepin I'm still tossin n turning
Deep inside I'm still flossing this burn
And I cry like a b1tch one nobody's around
It's a pain I hide inside so I never make a sound
I'm a soldier from the very day I was born
And when it's over that's the quote for my tombstone
20 years gone by I feel like I'm chasin a lie
They tell me don't chase things unless ur willin to die
And at this point straight up I stopped givin a fuk
Too many scars in this mess
I feel like giving it up
I guess it's karma but fuk my karma don't work
I do good expecting good but instead I get hurt
I'm society's dirt, well fed in metro houses
Convicted a few times I can never be renounced
My life is a poem in a story u see
But all I really ask was to see me for me
And I kno that lost souls will pity it all
Even when u fall down u gotta learn how to crawl
My heart's harder the wall
Maybe that's why I can't show any feeling for this world
That's why they don't know

These memories lie in the tears that I cry and nobody is here all the love disappeared
Destroyed all my pride thinking back on the night where I wanted to die cuz I hated my life [[my life...]]

he broke my heart.... and hes doing just fine apparently. my only hope was that after a few days he wld reslise that he missed me...and come back. but...he is not....

and

yeah..

i found a bunch of his shit at my place and he wont even get it. told a freind to throw it out...

no im not gonna throw out his stuff he forgot...

i have come th the realisation he really is a coward and a little boy stuck in amans body

even i f he were to come back i dont know if i woudl take him back..

im doing my damndest not to go too dark on this. i have no bad harmful thoughts...but one thing keeps comeing up..

how little i was worth to him. that in the end i was only worth a 2 min breakup.

and im disgusted at how much i have fallen aprt over this boy-man coward

apparently i was clingy and marriage crazed....

whatever

imiss him with all my heart... but he isnt worth my time...i need to get over him.

a lot of people are psushing me to allan, cus he is promising me evrything welsey couldnt give me...

but i still love wesley and still hope he wld come back, despite how much i say i hate him...

so until i can stop hopeing.... i cant even beging to think to be with anybody else

altho...damn it is fun to flirt again :)

well... ive got to go. urs truly has been a blubbering mess and i need to just let go... and cry a little.

im also sleeping over at emily and alns tonight whilst allan is at work..and im in his bed as we speak cus he isnt home and it is a free bed... perhaps i will play myself to sleep. lol.

fun?

goodnight...

and as fer wesley...

what a coward u turned out to be...

2 mins to shatter my heart

the man whom i thought i wld marry.... wesley...just broke up with me in 2 mins flat

he said "i had a long heart to heart with my martial arts teacher/freind last night. he says im not mature enuff to be in a commited realtionship. i am not. so we r done" i said in anger n shock "leave" then said "wait i have questions" to which he saud "no, no we r thru" and ealked out the door...

2 minutes

i was not even worth enuff to have more then 2 mins. i wouldnt have begged him to stay. i just wanted to have more answers. and i know it prob took everything he had to say that much in 2 mins..but it was still cowardly heartless thoughtless and cruel to give me only a 2 min goodbye...

and when i had finally decided marriage wasnt that important...that if i cld just be with him i wld be happy....

now what do i do about allan... i cant rebound. i need time to get over wesley. i dunno how logn that will take and he, well he admitted he loved me n want to marry me... and im too heartbroken now to even let sumbody that close again..

i finally felt at home with my wesley. we had our problems but i wanted to let them go...n he took the choice from me...

two mins...i wasnt even worth more then 2 mins. y am i so worthless????

RRRAAAAARGG!! *throws stuff around* That is all

kitty purring at my side. jumped on bed, as she always does when i crawl

onto my bed cus she thinks its bedtime n cuddle time. she has her own spot on the bed. on left side. top corner,

next to pillow. thats her spot. n shes laying there now with a look that says "y r u awake, u were sleeping,

come back to bed n stop typing on yer laptop.

tonight, wesley n i were supposed to talk. we r on a break. which fer me is NOT ficguring outhow to say we are

done but rather it is litterally figuring out if i am happy with him. not automatically breaking up. soul search

he still doesnt know if he wants marriage fer marriage. he says he wants marriage because i want it but he

doesnt beleive in it.

tonigth we were supposed to talk...instead....he decides at last minute to invite himself to a movie and then

see me afterwards to talk. normally this is fine except he never called to chk the time and when i do get hold

of him hesays he willl drop by 10 or 11pm.... i remind him that i said i was going to bed early from now on cus

i was falling asleep at my desk at work n not sleeping fully. i keepw aing up. hence the blogging now. cus im

wide awake fer a lil bit, i tell him that i feel liek yet again he put his freinds ahead of me. i dont expect him

not to have a life but i do expect him to at least follow thru and maybe call me to chk on a time b4 fucking off

with his freids cus when he says he wants to talk then fucks off to a movie.....and doesnt even reply to my

texrts fer a few hrs.... kinda makes me a lil sad...

anyways, he finally leaves the movie to come talk.... and i am amess cus i feel ditched yet again....

he still doesnt beleive in marriage but will do it just to keep me....

i dunno. tonight was pros n cons night, but i dont feel like typing up that list now... im too itreed and too

emotionally drained.... i dunno f i wanna stay with him...he says he will change. stop pushing me away, stop

ditching me fer freinds, stop forgettign about me when he promisses to drop by. start sleeping over 5 ngts at

wk at least, and maybe eventually marry me. hesays he doesnt now cus of school..i asked...what wld that

change. u can go to school and bemarried , we dont hav to have kids just cus we r married... it can waitr....

so yeah..... still very hurt. very ditched. when he said he was coeing tonight to talk then at last minute goes

to a movie with buddies and then never bothers to call or tell me when or where...i felt dirty ditched.... and

liek he isnt makign good on his change. this isn not about allan vs wesley n e more .... this is about do i

wanna be with wesley?

too tired to blog...lost going on...fucking confused.... will blog tomm night.... pros n cons an needs n wants list to come soon....

NO

i listen to my heart,

feel it silently breaking

my world falls apart

i feel such pain

all as the world goes on

who knew such a small word

held such power

WESLEY

no sorrow so deep

as the one felt

when your heart

feels at home

only to find

it was all a dream

LOVE?

unsay those words

undo those actions

take back time and

give me back my hope.

im not sure

anymore

ME

theres right

no wrong

no sure way

no path

just a bunch

of fucked up choices

so wesley and i had a talk. but that getting ahead of myself.... lets start with saturday night. i'm at allan and emily's for the first time in a long time. allan has actually said i cld come over, before it was "nope emily u cant have criesalone over"

allan had been drinking, as had emily. our other freind Hope had decided to spend the night and as such took up the spare bed that was allan emily's son (he was away for the night) that meant i wld be on the sofa. allan wasnt in bed yet... we decided to stay up n watch movies till we were ready fer bed...

and he was drinking, and i had a beer... and figured...this is nice. lets deal with the bullshit keeping our freindsjip apart....

so we talked...

and i fully expected to hear him say he wasnt over me and that was reason for awkwardness betwen us. and i fully expected to hear him ask if i was really happy with wesley and i fully expected to say "no, he still cant sleep over and ;puts things b4 me and hasntr been there for me all this week with the funerals"

i didnt expect us to talk till 6am. i certainly did not extpect us to talk so much about...us. and everytime i ask a question he says "are u sure u r ready for the answer"...and everytime i say "sure" and everytime i am thinking, this is just gonna get rid of the bulllshit n then he n i can b frfeinds and i can actually come over and see emily and be around him at freind gatherings and not feel awkward.... and everytime.... his feelings are showing thru. and as the night goes on...

he does it

professes his love for me. says he never got over me. 2 and a half yrs and hes still in love and....

im not sure how to type this....

um his feelings are ther and havent gone away and he knows just how he would propose to me, and would propose to me in a heart beat, he wants to spend his life with me......

but im with wesley and if im happy with wesley then he wld gladly walk me down the ilse and give me away but that he doesnt think im happy with wesley given my reactions and bodylanguage etc...

and yeah i know hes with serena and me with wesley but

and well....

yeah.....

i admit im not happy with wesley. it has beena yr and he wont even stay overnights and he cant sleep inthe same bed and he puts his wanting to sleep in ahead of oh say comforting me after a funeral and he is not around when i nneded him this week and he keeps pushing me away when i try n get closer...

we hug as he goes to bed at 6am... so ive jst iopened pandors box. i avent written everything cus well it was a 4 hr talk! we said a lot. but the jist of it was " i love you, u love me why the hell are we together n working on getting married?"

so i babysit their kids next day. next night serena n myself and allan head out to a seond funeral. leaveing emily with the kids at home. and we drop off serena and allan andi talk some more..and i ask againa lot of same stuff cus well i wanna make sure it wasn drunk talk.

it was not

i ask

well what if i werent woth welsey n e more

he says

i wld leave serena and be with u within 24 hrs

whoah

so then i come home and tell welsey all i have learned. fully expected him to go all ammer on allan and tell him to fuck off hes messing with my heart and emotions

instead...

when i talk...

he doesnt seem to care, the next day i talk to him, sumthign is bugging me so i spark upa talk after we r well awake

and when i ask his view on marriage and commitment (and yeah we have talked b4 about us getting married what wedding we wld have where we wld honeymoon and i do mean we. the word used were always "we")

he says

it never even crossed his mind. he doesnt wanna get married. ever.

i ask him if he at least wants marriage some day.

nope never

i ask if it is jst moveing too fast and if it is i can slow things down and stick aound as long as he needs. i can wait yrs if needed if he just telle me he one day wants marriage. it doesnt even have t be me. just tell me he eventually wants to married to somebody then i wont feel like im wasting my time ion another dead end relatonship. i add i only told him about allas profession cus he has the right to know when a man profersses his love to anothe mans girlfriend ...

welsey still says no... never wants it...

and he leave me. i beg him to stay home from one class so we can talk. midterms r done. finals r mths away.... and he still says no.

keaves me ina pile of tears on my bed

and i am heart brokern.

here is my ex, who i left cus i couldnt so poly. saying he is now mono, never wants poly again, loves me, wants to marry me, and has never stopped loveing me...

and here is my wesley saying he loves me but has no intetion to ever marry me despite the fact we have talked about our wedding he justsaw it as conversation....

well that was monday morning. since then allan has spoke to serena and i dont know how that went. regardless of how things go with me an wesley, allan and serena need to talk cus he is still in love with me and she deserves much better then to be choice # 2... esp if he is willignt o break up with her that fast to be with me. then again he says he knew she was a rebound and that marriage was in distant future maybe possibly and neede dto move slown take things one step atta time

and now welsey has admitted he has been pushing me away all his time. he admits he had a fear of commitment.he admits he doesnt want marriage but would marry me to make me happy

i thinkthats wrong, it wld make him bitter and resentfult o do sumthign he doesnt want...

so no i have 2 men, both wanting me. both in love with me. one who has genuinly chnaged and is mono now and wants t marry me cus he wants t be married with me

and the other is promsing change, hurt my heart, and says he will marry me if only to keep me around. a leash basically as far as im concerned...leash me up so i am tied to him.

and i honestly dont knwo what to do or who to choose

this time it isnt mono vs poly

thins time it isnt even allan vs wesley

this time it is who can i trust ..... the one who has changed and wants to be wit just me, who nvere lef t me. i broke up with them becaue i coudltn do polyand not they fel the same, no poly.

or do i choose the one with cmmmitment fears who says he has changed his mind and promises to change his ways and says he will arry me if only to keep me

i also wanna say that allan by no means wants me to choose. he says as long as i am happy, he is happy. but am i happy with wesley? no? so now i ogtta choos if i wanna try to give wesley another chance to have us be happy.... or walka way and have allan give the chance to have us be happy

wesley...or allan

fml

MEN! U EITHER WANT WHAT U DONT HAVE OR DONT WANT WHAT U DO HAVE!

THIS SUCKS ASS! THIS SUCKS DIHAREA SHIT STAINED FURRY ASS!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW!!!???

i wish i had never opend pandoras box.

but ifg i hadnt then weksey would never have faced his fear of commitment. althoit may bee too late. cus he finally suceeded in pushing me away, and i dont know if i can come back. so we r ona week long break. andif i never wld hav asked welsey then he nvr wld have had the chnace to litterally man up...

and if i hadnt asked allan those question he never would have dealt with hima nd serena and woulkd never have had the chance to say how he felt for me. least now no matter what i choose, he knows he had the chance to have me back. instead of regretting never tellig me. better to have love and proclaimed love thenlost it then to suffer it silently

curitosity didnt KILL the cat

you've gotta be kidding me...

argh blargh nuffle blargh argggggggh! thats what i get when i break down all the fuckign walla and have a heart to heart...

wonderful.... just wonderful...

so tell me.... what do you do when something just sounds too good to be true? what do you do when ur heart skips a beat with joy and also u feel like vomiting from panic and fear....">what do u do when ur hearts deepest most secret desire is confirmed?

what do u do... would you ignore it and continue with life....

or follow your heart....

aw fuck....

thats what i get for haveing a candid no walls heart to heart with somebody.... i could have said no, dont tell me. i was warned, but my damn curiousity and some sick desire to be told something i suspected and felt, was right

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit! ‎"Do whatever comes your way to do as well as you can. Think as little as possible about yourself and as much as possible about other people and about things that are interesting. Put a good deal of thought into happiness that you are able to give." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Oh eleanor, you are so right... i need to put thought into this...

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

funeral

funeral today..... still thinking of emily.

wonderign how she is doing. we saw pics of her mom as a lil girl and oh my word spitting image of her youngest girl! emily says she takes comfort in the fact there is so much of her mom in her girls.... she aologised to me last night fer not getting any alone time with me. NO u dont need to apoligise to me, seriously sweety i shld be apologiseing to u for not being there more. she is such a sweety thinkign of everybody else, except herself. i think thats a huge part of who she is but it is a little bit of a tactic to avoid breakign down. that will come. when she has nuttin left to do... when all the matters with her mother are settled... she will have a good long cry... it always happens...

she was so strong last night.... but she started to lose her strong self when she spoke of how her middle child is handling the news.....shes starting to process the fact her grandmother is gone , and her grandmother was her number one fave person in the whole world.

she is such a strong woman. she has her faith to get her thru this.... and suprisingly enuff... allan. weird but comforting. allan hasnt brought his new woman to the funeral stuff. thank gawd. really huge faux pas.

not taking wesley..... asked him to stay last night. ok more like begged. said he wanted to sleep in.... asked him last night why he wasnt going to the viewing .... he just smiled and said "oh gotta go. bye" there has to be some reason y.... is it the funeral itself? can he not handle death? did sumbody die n scar him? what is it... cus at this point there had beeter be areason cus he keeps fucking off everyt time i ask him to be there thru this...

could it be allan? is he worried he will punch out allan er sumthin?

anyways enuff that.... gotta go get ready.... funeral today.

Shes dead

and thats it.... 333pm, sunday, emily's birthday.... her mother died.

fuck....

we all went to dinner, her n me and our freind Betty and emilys kids and allan.... we all went to dinner after to try n salvage her birthday. whal else was there? her mom was dead....

funeral arrangemtns are done.

i almost broke up with wesley sunday... i tried calling him and texting hom from 1pm till 330pm to tell him what was going on and... no answer. i finally got hold of him at 330pm as i was leaveing for the hospital, tld him emailys mom had died n i was on my ay to hospital "oh shoot" he texts.... the as walkign in the hospital i call him ....and i ask "babes where r u. ibe been trying to reach u." "home" he says "how long?" "half hour to 40 mins" he says "fuck you!" i bleep at him....

still mad....

poor emily.... her birthday... HER BIRTHDAY!!!!! SHE DOESNT NEED THAT! NOT FAIR! WHAT THE FUCK DID DHE DO TO DESERVE THAT NOW HER BIRTHDAY WILL FORVEVER BE THOUGHT OF AS THE DAY SHE LOST HER MOM WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK,THINK i got that outta my system...nope...

WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK MUCH better.... wish i cld make emily feel better. she really really deserves a break. sumthign amazing is gonna happen to her i k ow. sumthign amazing is around the corner to make her life smile and happy and whole...

i dunno what but i got faith..

speaking of which she has hers too and that how she got thru it. her mom did too and thats how she was able to die peacfully...

emily, sumtime soon... the sun is gonan shine so much ur gonna wonder about sunburns! i know it...soon, sumthign amazing to help with all this bullshit!