NO

i listen to my heart,

feel it silently breaking

my world falls apart

i feel such pain

all as the world goes on

who knew such a small word

held such power

WESLEY

no sorrow so deep

as the one felt

when your heart

feels at home

only to find

it was all a dream

LOVE?

unsay those words

undo those actions

take back time and

give me back my hope.

im not sure

anymore

ME

theres right

no wrong

no sure way

no path

just a bunch

of fucked up choices

so wesley and i had a talk. but that getting ahead of myself.... lets start with saturday night. i'm at allan and emily's for the first time in a long time. allan has actually said i cld come over, before it was "nope emily u cant have criesalone over"

allan had been drinking, as had emily. our other freind Hope had decided to spend the night and as such took up the spare bed that was allan emily's son (he was away for the night) that meant i wld be on the sofa. allan wasnt in bed yet... we decided to stay up n watch movies till we were ready fer bed...

and he was drinking, and i had a beer... and figured...this is nice. lets deal with the bullshit keeping our freindsjip apart....

so we talked...

and i fully expected to hear him say he wasnt over me and that was reason for awkwardness betwen us. and i fully expected to hear him ask if i was really happy with wesley and i fully expected to say "no, he still cant sleep over and ;puts things b4 me and hasntr been there for me all this week with the funerals"

i didnt expect us to talk till 6am. i certainly did not extpect us to talk so much about...us. and everytime i ask a question he says "are u sure u r ready for the answer"...and everytime i say "sure" and everytime i am thinking, this is just gonna get rid of the bulllshit n then he n i can b frfeinds and i can actually come over and see emily and be around him at freind gatherings and not feel awkward.... and everytime.... his feelings are showing thru. and as the night goes on...

he does it

professes his love for me. says he never got over me. 2 and a half yrs and hes still in love and....

im not sure how to type this....

um his feelings are ther and havent gone away and he knows just how he would propose to me, and would propose to me in a heart beat, he wants to spend his life with me......

but im with wesley and if im happy with wesley then he wld gladly walk me down the ilse and give me away but that he doesnt think im happy with wesley given my reactions and bodylanguage etc...

and yeah i know hes with serena and me with wesley but

and well....

yeah.....

i admit im not happy with wesley. it has beena yr and he wont even stay overnights and he cant sleep inthe same bed and he puts his wanting to sleep in ahead of oh say comforting me after a funeral and he is not around when i nneded him this week and he keeps pushing me away when i try n get closer...

we hug as he goes to bed at 6am... so ive jst iopened pandors box. i avent written everything cus well it was a 4 hr talk! we said a lot. but the jist of it was " i love you, u love me why the hell are we together n working on getting married?"

so i babysit their kids next day. next night serena n myself and allan head out to a seond funeral. leaveing emily with the kids at home. and we drop off serena and allan andi talk some more..and i ask againa lot of same stuff cus well i wanna make sure it wasn drunk talk.

it was not

i ask

well what if i werent woth welsey n e more

he says

i wld leave serena and be with u within 24 hrs

whoah

so then i come home and tell welsey all i have learned. fully expected him to go all ammer on allan and tell him to fuck off hes messing with my heart and emotions

instead...

when i talk...

he doesnt seem to care, the next day i talk to him, sumthign is bugging me so i spark upa talk after we r well awake

and when i ask his view on marriage and commitment (and yeah we have talked b4 about us getting married what wedding we wld have where we wld honeymoon and i do mean we. the word used were always "we")

he says

it never even crossed his mind. he doesnt wanna get married. ever.

i ask him if he at least wants marriage some day.

nope never

i ask if it is jst moveing too fast and if it is i can slow things down and stick aound as long as he needs. i can wait yrs if needed if he just telle me he one day wants marriage. it doesnt even have t be me. just tell me he eventually wants to married to somebody then i wont feel like im wasting my time ion another dead end relatonship. i add i only told him about allas profession cus he has the right to know when a man profersses his love to anothe mans girlfriend ...

welsey still says no... never wants it...

and he leave me. i beg him to stay home from one class so we can talk. midterms r done. finals r mths away.... and he still says no.

keaves me ina pile of tears on my bed

and i am heart brokern.

here is my ex, who i left cus i couldnt so poly. saying he is now mono, never wants poly again, loves me, wants to marry me, and has never stopped loveing me...

and here is my wesley saying he loves me but has no intetion to ever marry me despite the fact we have talked about our wedding he justsaw it as conversation....

well that was monday morning. since then allan has spoke to serena and i dont know how that went. regardless of how things go with me an wesley, allan and serena need to talk cus he is still in love with me and she deserves much better then to be choice # 2... esp if he is willignt o break up with her that fast to be with me. then again he says he knew she was a rebound and that marriage was in distant future maybe possibly and neede dto move slown take things one step atta time

and now welsey has admitted he has been pushing me away all his time. he admits he had a fear of commitment.he admits he doesnt want marriage but would marry me to make me happy

i thinkthats wrong, it wld make him bitter and resentfult o do sumthign he doesnt want...

so no i have 2 men, both wanting me. both in love with me. one who has genuinly chnaged and is mono now and wants t marry me cus he wants t be married with me

and the other is promsing change, hurt my heart, and says he will marry me if only to keep me around. a leash basically as far as im concerned...leash me up so i am tied to him.

and i honestly dont knwo what to do or who to choose

this time it isnt mono vs poly

thins time it isnt even allan vs wesley

this time it is who can i trust ..... the one who has changed and wants to be wit just me, who nvere lef t me. i broke up with them becaue i coudltn do polyand not they fel the same, no poly.

or do i choose the one with cmmmitment fears who says he has changed his mind and promises to change his ways and says he will arry me if only to keep me

i also wanna say that allan by no means wants me to choose. he says as long as i am happy, he is happy. but am i happy with wesley? no? so now i ogtta choos if i wanna try to give wesley another chance to have us be happy.... or walka way and have allan give the chance to have us be happy

wesley...or allan

fml

MEN! U EITHER WANT WHAT U DONT HAVE OR DONT WANT WHAT U DO HAVE!

THIS SUCKS ASS! THIS SUCKS DIHAREA SHIT STAINED FURRY ASS!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW!!!???

i wish i had never opend pandoras box.

but ifg i hadnt then weksey would never have faced his fear of commitment. althoit may bee too late. cus he finally suceeded in pushing me away, and i dont know if i can come back. so we r ona week long break. andif i never wld hav asked welsey then he nvr wld have had the chnace to litterally man up...

and if i hadnt asked allan those question he never would have dealt with hima nd serena and woulkd never have had the chance to say how he felt for me. least now no matter what i choose, he knows he had the chance to have me back. instead of regretting never tellig me. better to have love and proclaimed love thenlost it then to suffer it silently