today.....

Today, i feellike me. I am happy. I am still overwhealmed but I'm happy. I've decided to pursure "something" with allen. His Wife and he are plyamorous. I researched it some when they first told mw, I wanted to know what my friends were involed with. Just like when my friend Ruth decided to convert to islam, i researched it. I am Not sure how this will work, if it will lead to anything, or what it is i'm feeling. But i want to pursue it. I've always had some kind of feelings for Allen. I won't say love- because LOve takes time and love is a strong word to use so soon. But i've always felt an attraction. I just could push it aside and have a functional friendship! At first when i met Allen I thought it was infactuation. I thought "he's hot. He's got a sweet personality and is good person. its infactuation, thats all" but it didnt go away. Then later i thought "it's an emotional bond. You don't have one with your (ex) husband, you feel confortable around allen and have talked to him about some of your deepest thoughts that you could not talk with anybody else about.... it's and emotional bond" but when things for a short time got better.... still there. and then when i most recently left my ex huisband i thought "you're rebounding. that's all. push the feelings aside again, move on. it'll be fine" but then i realised "how can it be rebound if i've had these feelings from b4 i separated?" and i do call them feelings, because i don't know what else they are. But i want to find out. So i am trying polyamory. because i am open to anything (except same sex, sorry gals... i don't swing that way ) and i really would like to investigate- see where this leads. I trust both my friends. I know that allen and i will take things slow. I know he won't hurt me. and i know that no matter what- we'll always be friends. To think, this all was able to come about when i finally had to courage to ask allen if i could sit close and cuddle. I, was so terrified he'd say no. or that once i got there i'd find out there was nothing but to my surprise and delight, there was something. we don't know what, but there's something. But my happiness doesnt depend on him. it doesn depen don a relationship. i want to make that clear. I am happy because i am true to myself again.... still it helps when you have a hot gentleman (and that is what he is. a gentleman, and a romantic and well...a few other things *wink*) to keep your thoughts occupied! He actually thinks i am pretty. he tells me i'm sexy. he tells me all the things i want to hear, and my heart actually beleives them. You don't know just how bad things are until you find something good in your life. and this is good. I wonder where this will go? I never used to overanylise and be afriad of risk or change..... over the years i used it as a protection. now with allen, i am going back to who i was. and i am happy...and free. I am so curious, what is this and where will it lead? Only time will tell. either way i trust it. and i am happy :)