today...

well,
talked things thru w/ allen..... says we have to slow things down for emily's sake. cuddling only. i was so afriad everything was over. i was so scared. I felt so terrible, and so alone. I wa sready to accept life alone again.... i was so hurt tho.., i was so asheamed of what i'd done. Now making love to allen, no that was wonderful. two words.... simutaneous orgasm. yeah. i have never felt so connected. we cuddled and talked and connected on a level i never knew existed. the cuddling was the best part... god it felt so damn good. at that moment my soul felt so free. i felt like i was soaring. i felt like nothing bad ever had or ever would happen. i was safe. finally. i was safe, and happy. and connected.
and emily,we talked tonite. she says she's ok... why do i not quite believe her. she still seems so hurt. i am still expecting her to say enuff is enuff and ask us to stop- to be apart. I suppose thats my 2nd biggest fear. and it came to life the other night. my biggest fear is well... losing 2 dear friends.
ever since the other night i keep thinking
What the hell have i gotten myself into? I desperately hope i haven't ruined a friendship. We talked about a lot tonight. I told her i understand, and i do, about how she's feeling. apparently she had no idea allen and i were getting "physical" and apparently allen and i should have talked with her fisrt. i thought she knew how far this was, and i thought allen had spoken with her.
when she spoke with me the other night i felt so terrible. i cried myself to sleep the other night.... well actually first i did push ups and sit ups until i felt nothing except physical pain. I had to block out what i was feeling inside and i also felt that i had to hurt myself in some way to atone for hurting emily. so i worked out. I did until i felt my heart was going to explode out of my chest. i did until i collapsed on my bed and slept the way i had fallen.... my sides and stomach still hurt.
I know this isn't rebound.... but still i need to take a step back. examine. make sure i'm not in over my head. I was over my ex a long time ago. it just took a long time b4 i had the strength to set myself free... and in many ways i am still bound, still waiting for somebody to save me.

SAVE ME
save me
from myself
from my past
save me from a life
of hurt and pain.
of love and hate
of shame.

MY SAVIOR
My life
is a self sacrifice
meant to be alone i suppose
i only hurt those i love
and in turn hurt myself
I turn to no one
i feel only pain
it makes me feel alive.
trust is an illusion.
happiness is fleeting.
these are my thoughts.
this is my life.
so take me
heal me
show me who i should be
and tell me everything will be fine
i want to beleive in more.
save me

SHIT HAPPENS- I DEAL
"so what?"
i yell to the wind.
"is that all you got?"
I challenge the thunder
"just try and take me on"
I scream at the lightning
"I'll survive"
I cry as the rain hides my tears

Oh, allen just walked in, time to throw on the smile again.... he's drunk.... oh dear....oh tender monet, we're going to talk more tommrow, when he's sober. kinda scared bout what he's got to say. that look in his eyes, says it's all good. my heart is till scared tho.... i hear myself saying "please dont hurt me"
well anyways that leads me to one thought tho.... allen is fixed. hmmm, i have to rethink sumthing...do I want a family eventually. imean, if i do decide to spend time w/ allen ,if we do decide on a commited plyamourous relationship....if i do How is that going to work? do i seek another person....or what? to tell you the truth I honestly don't know. and how should i. I have no idea where this is going. I have no idea what this is. I am just going with the flow. all i know is i like what i feel and i am falling.... and that when emily mentioned wanting a blended family eventually my heart soared with hope..... i dont plan too far ahead anymore but still..... it made my heart soar.....
some part of me tells me that i should wait. That my heart can't handle this. and maybe that part is right but right now all i know is this feels so damn good. I have always felt so alone..... always one my own. and now i feel so safe. wanted. loved? I hope so. and even if not.... i really dont want to think it.... but even if not, its all good. even if it is only meant to be a short while....

ALLEN
hmmm....
they call it Novocaine for the heart
i call it sweet bliss.
they say its too soon
i say its too late
and i fall deeper and farther
out of cotrol
into your arms.
i hope you'll catch me as i fall.