this came from one of my friends, only known them for a year or so.... i just old them about my poly relationship and how i broke up with allan sunday night.... anyways this was the nice email he sent me.... i told hi m i had the love them "as the world fall down" stuck in my head... a very sad song as i had "theres such sad love, deep in yer eye..." verse playing over and over.....
anyways, he sent me this email.. and i really like the song....
July 28, 2009 4:00:06 PM
"Hey kid. I'm so sorry you're feeling down. A break up though, whether deserved or not, is always hard. It hurts. You're hurting. The only thing that will heal it is time. And friends. Having said that, know that it will heal. You will feel better. I promise! You have friends, and we're here for you. Here to help you. And we will. All of us.
I have a different song for you to get stuck in your head. I think it applies to me as well. Except for the "little girl" part... ;) It's called "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.
Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
[Chorus]
It just takes some time, little girl,
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)
Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else.
[Chorus x2]
Hey,
don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out, (feel left out)
Or looked down on.
Just do your best, (just do your best
Do everything you can. (do everything you can)
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say.
[Chorus x2]
Take care kid! We love you, and we're all here for you, anytime!
*HUGS!!!*"
now that's an uplifting email... that and my blogger Friend Wolfie's comments... and did i mention emily is going to come by with ice cream some time this week?
i feel the love
but i still feel the pain.... dear god how long will it last this time???
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
poetry
the dreams are gone
all faded away,
couldnt catch that falling star.
all gone,
broken hearted.
you had my heart
i had yours
felt pure happiness
even in the bad
it was all good
i tried my best
to make it all work
but it fell apart
broken,
unmendable.
all faded away,
couldnt catch that falling star.
all gone,
broken hearted.
you had my heart
i had yours
felt pure happiness
even in the bad
it was all good
i tried my best
to make it all work
but it fell apart
broken,
unmendable.
a 5 hr talk, we are thru
started talking at 7pm... midinght we finished.
"say the words" he'd say
"i'm not breaking up with you" he'd say
"you need to decide" he'd say
"the only one you are outting in more limbo themn me on this one...is you" he'd say
and "stay with me" he'd say
i love him so much. madly, deeply, passionatly.
but love isnt enuff. want more. more then he can give. and i am so tired. i can't co on any longer. its too much.
i broke up with allan alst night. i tried friday, told him i had intended on breaking up... i chickened out. tried saturday . i chicked out. tried last night..almost chickend out... but did it.
we made love one last time. i cried. fitting . i cried out first time, why wouldnt i cry our last time. begged him to stay tile i feel asleep...or just to stay in bed sleeping and cuddlin together until he had to leave.
he satayed till 4am.
wesleept together, as we always did. cuddled closely. at times my arms around him. at times his arms around me. at time my head on his chest. just holding, and being held.
when he left at 4am, i kissed him goodbye..listened to him as he walkse dout the door...locked it behing one final time..and listed to his footsteps, and then his car outside...and heard him leave as my boyfriend...forever.
he'll still be my freind he says...
doesn tmake this hurt any less...
i blame me. he held me close last night and in his softest voice told me not to blame myself. n told me soflty it wasnt my fault.
i didnt cry last night... when i broke up with him...when i finally said those words... i wailed. i howled. my deepest cry ever since the days of frank....compared only to when i found out dad was suicidal. i ahave not wailed liek that....it was a heart tearing sound...i couldnt keep it in once i said those words "i ca't go any farther allan. i cant follow you any longer. its too muich. i cant do it any longer"
then that was it... and i waied....we went into the bedroom when i caled enuff and i asked if we could sleep together one last time. sleep, not sex. then i started wailing all over again, clutching his cest, prb tore off a few hairs..and all the time saying between sobs "its all my fault i'm so sorry." this si where he soflty told me it wasnt my fault, held me close until i had calmed down enuff to lay down....
then after we had laid for a while... he said to me "why am i using alll my will powerto fight off the urge to make love to you?"
and i said "dont fight" i opened myself up to him... and we made love....
a few times i looked at him eye to eye and i forgot all about the pain... i loved him... but then it would all come back.. and we were so close... and he was so tender... and i started to cry...not sobbing, or wailin, justa few tears...ok a lot of tears..but onyl tears.... and at the end... i mad elight of it by saying "well fitting i shld cry this time considering i cried the first time too"
and he looke dat me, all seriosuness in his eyes... no laughter. we always would joke and laught no matter how serious and he said " it was beatiful, dont try to make light of it...." or sumthing liek that... icant quite remeber...
we cuddled close and i dozed off ina nd out ..he snored and dozed.....wh changed positions but never once did one of us not have out arms aroufd the pther...
a final goodbye....
i told him...i said "i thought u were one of my souldmates" and i cldnt finish off to say what i wanted which was that so i thought we'd always be together... he said "i am. you have apeice of my heart, and soul..always"
my heart is torn.. i feel solost.....i miss him so much. i dont knwo if i cld just be his friend, cu every time i see him i willwant ti hold him, and love him, and bet there for him, and to be with him, and to have alife with him....
he said on friday "you are my friend, lover, confidant, support.."
he wa smine too.. i gues we just take lover outta the picture...
oh dear god what i have i done?
what have i done?
and i had a dream alst night, weird one...
last night i had a dream.... i dreamed i was ona a native reserve like the one i grew up nearby. this oen was destitute, poor.... i dont know what happned. but there were these sink holes that started up... sink holes are whent he groyung below the pavement gived way, and the pavment caves in kinda liek a pocket of air was lal the was holding up the pavement and the air escaped so the pave ment caves in... anways, i was on this reserve. and the sinkholes appeared, i i got caught in one with all these ppl i didnt know... and the sink holes tuern into these river of mud, thinka nd stiken and it is flowing and pulling us under. and we are gettign sucked down, down, down... and i hold my hands up to my face i an breath a lil pocket of air, tryign to keep the mud away, and i am getting sucked and i cant stop.. and i am goingt o die...
and i wake up.
i dremt this after allan left ladst nightt...
and by the way, sorry for all the typos... google blogs spell checker isnt working.... great....
Sunday, July 26, 2009
todays theme song
This song is about me, my life and how i am in love.... i'm so sorry i push away....i have my darkness inside.
UNDERSTANDING
EVANESCENCE
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."
(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time
"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away
"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
Allan you said this about me, i'll say this about you. you have been my friend, my confident, my lover.... i love you. i always will . i'll miss us. its all my fault, i'm just not strong enuff to bear it any longer...
BREATHE ME
SIA
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
THIS all makes no sense at all to me.... this just doesnt. and yes, deep in my eyes There is such a sad love. it is for allan.... i'll always love him.
tonight...i'm ending it.
i want more then he can give.
its time.
and nobody could have seen it happening, things change. but sumthing, dont change. and my wants for a relationship...dont change.
i want a relationship. thats all i want. no hiding. no flip flipping. no cpl hrs here and there...i want more. and i cant have it. so thats it...
whatA shame, such a shame....
AS THE WORLD FALLS DOWN
DAVID BOWIE
VIDEO HERE:
LYRICS:
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.
There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.
I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now,
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Makes no sense at all.
Makes no sense to fall.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
UNDERSTANDING
EVANESCENCE
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there."
(Can't wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
(Can't cry it all away)
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time
"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone, honey."
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away
"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."
"God, please don't hate me"
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
Allan you said this about me, i'll say this about you. you have been my friend, my confident, my lover.... i love you. i always will . i'll miss us. its all my fault, i'm just not strong enuff to bear it any longer...
BREATHE ME
SIA
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
THIS all makes no sense at all to me.... this just doesnt. and yes, deep in my eyes There is such a sad love. it is for allan.... i'll always love him.
tonight...i'm ending it.
i want more then he can give.
its time.
and nobody could have seen it happening, things change. but sumthing, dont change. and my wants for a relationship...dont change.
i want a relationship. thats all i want. no hiding. no flip flipping. no cpl hrs here and there...i want more. and i cant have it. so thats it...
whatA shame, such a shame....
AS THE WORLD FALLS DOWN
DAVID BOWIE
VIDEO HERE:
LYRICS:
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.
There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.
I'll paint you mornings of gold.
I'll spin you Valentine evenings.
Though we're strangers 'til now,
We're choosing the path
Between the stars.
I'll leave my love
Between the stars.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Makes no sense at all.
Makes no sense to fall.
Falling
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Falling.
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
poetry
My love & relationships
merry go rounds
are only fun to ride
when you are a kid.
as an adult
they take on
a whole new meaning.
I cry
make it stop,
PLEASE
Allan
my angel in disguise
the love of my life
you held me close to your heart
gave me everything you had
showed me love so deep and tru
but i couldnt get close to you
i was too afraid
of the pain
and i pushed you away.
you tried to get close to me
and i just pushed you away
and now i am walking away
and i feel my heart torn in two
because part of me
always wants to be with you
but i am so very lonely
even in your arms.
merry go rounds
are only fun to ride
when you are a kid.
as an adult
they take on
a whole new meaning.
I cry
make it stop,
PLEASE
Allan
my angel in disguise
the love of my life
you held me close to your heart
gave me everything you had
showed me love so deep and tru
but i couldnt get close to you
i was too afraid
of the pain
and i pushed you away.
you tried to get close to me
and i just pushed you away
and now i am walking away
and i feel my heart torn in two
because part of me
always wants to be with you
but i am so very lonely
even in your arms.
todays theme song
to allan, or whomever walks into my life as my love.... this song is what i cry every day, every monet, of my life.....turn my black roses red....please
ALANA GRACE
CAN YOU TURN MY BLACK ROSES RED
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let in the morning light and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)
ALANA GRACE
CAN YOU TURN MY BLACK ROSES RED
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let in the morning light and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love (until fades)
Friday, July 24, 2009
tonight i chickened out
was too afraid to tell him.. to say i wanted it overwith. i tried. i told him it had crossed my mind and that i had wants to end it tonight...but i didnt. i just left it at that.
he said, he said he wouldnt think any less of me if i told him i couldnt do this any longer.
problem is, i would think less of me
and i love him so dearly.
but sumtimes love isnt enuff...
and there are things i want which are in the are. things i need which are in the air. i am also so tired of things out of my control. i am tired of thinking of everybody else. i am tired of hiding, and living a lie.
he wanted to make love tonight. sex is healing. it is loving. it is more then just sex. always has been with us.
i wouldnt let him.
he respected that. i unintentionally blue balled him. he was hard, and ready, and he was so respectful of me in that he made his intentions or wants known but never forced. just when i said no it was "ok" and we went out to the sofa. he is amazingly sweet that way...
it would be so hard to see him as just a friend.
I'll always love him
Sunday, i'll talk again Sunday and see if i cant get the guts to say it...to say that i just cant do this any longer. that i love him, but there are things i need which cant be provided. and there are things i just am too tired to keep doing...
god i miss him already...
he said, he said he wouldnt think any less of me if i told him i couldnt do this any longer.
problem is, i would think less of me
and i love him so dearly.
but sumtimes love isnt enuff...
and there are things i want which are in the are. things i need which are in the air. i am also so tired of things out of my control. i am tired of thinking of everybody else. i am tired of hiding, and living a lie.
he wanted to make love tonight. sex is healing. it is loving. it is more then just sex. always has been with us.
i wouldnt let him.
he respected that. i unintentionally blue balled him. he was hard, and ready, and he was so respectful of me in that he made his intentions or wants known but never forced. just when i said no it was "ok" and we went out to the sofa. he is amazingly sweet that way...
it would be so hard to see him as just a friend.
I'll always love him
Sunday, i'll talk again Sunday and see if i cant get the guts to say it...to say that i just cant do this any longer. that i love him, but there are things i need which cant be provided. and there are things i just am too tired to keep doing...
god i miss him already...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
first official overnight???
tonight, was scheduled to be mine and allan's first official overnight. see the last 2 times well..one was without emily's knowledge. and the second was only a cpl hours. his car broke down stayed till dawn then drove back home...
anyways...never happened.
he and emily got into huge fight. i was in the living room while they had it out int he kitchen. brings back memories of dad and mom, and dad and step mom too....
anyways, got thru that... and flat out told allan, wasnt in the mood to have an overnight n e more. too worried about emily.
why do i feel like a third wheel? oh wait, cus i am.
anyways, No hard feelings. incredibly disappointed. i mean i had all the fixings for a western omelet. even bought bacon to go along with it- fyi i dont buy bacon. in 3 yrs since my surgery i've bought bacon ONCE.
was gonna wake up and cook him breakfast....
had an outfit picked out...was gonna wear a dress. change into shorts and a bathing suit...go fer a bike ride then swimming afterwards...and have him home for 430-5pm so he cld relieve the babysitter and be home per his usual time from work and be home to be with emily.
allan says he'll still drop by int he morning but...i ain't counting on it. i wont really be int he mood then either
i understand, really i do. i am not bitter. i am really disappointed, and hurt.... but not bitter. and i really do understand. she just isnt ready. ok i get that. i knew it. i was hoping i was wrong, but i understand! ok... i understand ....this is a huge deal.... i just wish she would have been honest about her feelings....it would have avoided a lot of pain....
he was thankful he cld vent to me and that i was "his rock" tonight....
i am just thankful i didnt break down crying.... i cant stand conflict like that. i heard too many times my dad and step mom fight and mention me most the time that well now i just, i have a hard time with conflict....and we'll leave it at that.
this is so fucked up......i knew she wasnt okay with the overnight... but in my defense and allan's defense. we talked for a a good three hours Monday, and every time she said she was ok with the overnight. allan talked to her b4 and after Monday, and she kept flip flipping about being ok with it (that is didnt know about till tonight) i mean...all she had to say was "no" instead she said "yes, no, maybe, yes, no..." and totally fucked things up and ended up hurting allan... and me.
but i'm used to it.
she come first.
pace my relationship off her feelings and needs
it is the only way this works
or is it?
seriously....
tonight i just bore it... i wanted to be there for allan..but deep down..this happens so much and i am just so very very tired....
i have a headache now... and my eyes are getting blurry... and i am seeing "white lines" or sumthing.... eye migraine i think is what it is called? so n e ways, i gtg....
anyways...never happened.
he and emily got into huge fight. i was in the living room while they had it out int he kitchen. brings back memories of dad and mom, and dad and step mom too....
anyways, got thru that... and flat out told allan, wasnt in the mood to have an overnight n e more. too worried about emily.
why do i feel like a third wheel? oh wait, cus i am.
anyways, No hard feelings. incredibly disappointed. i mean i had all the fixings for a western omelet. even bought bacon to go along with it- fyi i dont buy bacon. in 3 yrs since my surgery i've bought bacon ONCE.
was gonna wake up and cook him breakfast....
had an outfit picked out...was gonna wear a dress. change into shorts and a bathing suit...go fer a bike ride then swimming afterwards...and have him home for 430-5pm so he cld relieve the babysitter and be home per his usual time from work and be home to be with emily.
allan says he'll still drop by int he morning but...i ain't counting on it. i wont really be int he mood then either
i understand, really i do. i am not bitter. i am really disappointed, and hurt.... but not bitter. and i really do understand. she just isnt ready. ok i get that. i knew it. i was hoping i was wrong, but i understand! ok... i understand ....this is a huge deal.... i just wish she would have been honest about her feelings....it would have avoided a lot of pain....
he was thankful he cld vent to me and that i was "his rock" tonight....
i am just thankful i didnt break down crying.... i cant stand conflict like that. i heard too many times my dad and step mom fight and mention me most the time that well now i just, i have a hard time with conflict....and we'll leave it at that.
this is so fucked up......i knew she wasnt okay with the overnight... but in my defense and allan's defense. we talked for a a good three hours Monday, and every time she said she was ok with the overnight. allan talked to her b4 and after Monday, and she kept flip flipping about being ok with it (that is didnt know about till tonight) i mean...all she had to say was "no" instead she said "yes, no, maybe, yes, no..." and totally fucked things up and ended up hurting allan... and me.
but i'm used to it.
she come first.
pace my relationship off her feelings and needs
it is the only way this works
or is it?
seriously....
tonight i just bore it... i wanted to be there for allan..but deep down..this happens so much and i am just so very very tired....
i have a headache now... and my eyes are getting blurry... and i am seeing "white lines" or sumthing.... eye migraine i think is what it is called? so n e ways, i gtg....
Monday, July 13, 2009
surprise
so, i asked allan for an overnight and a day together...point blank it has been 2 yrs now almost and 1 yr since out last overnight...and even then apparently Emily didnt know about it (grrrrr!)
emily said yes
so yeah, this Sunday night i have allan overnight....and we spend the day together...
feels weird.
good
but weird
got into a talk withe emily and allan tonight. apparently she wanted allan home by 5pm and allan planned on being home then going out again for a movie with me...
turned into a big talk
so i finally said sumthing ....it came up about the whole integrated family thing and how she didnt know if she wanted that anymore.
i told her point blank, no pressure, but she kind needs to make up her mind on that one. not just for my sake but for anybody they date's sake. it is a big thing. cus for me if there isnt that possibility then this is a dead end relationship and i aint gonna pursue it any longer.
later on, in the drive home i told allan what i'd always been dying to say. "how the fuck did you guys ever think u could engage in full long term relationships if you were not thinking about integrated family and most of all if you were keeping the relationship a secret! what the fuck"
he didnt answer...
but i got it out there...
i also pointed out again, i'm a big picture kinda gal. i'm extremely patient. and have been compromising all the time. not that he and emily arent, i mean she is letting me date her husband, big compromise. but i have been patient and compromising and well...i'm hitting my limit. and no offense but if integrated family isnt a part of this then well...that's it. and i also said that well, i am tired off all the ups and downs this has been. i am tired of always compromising, i am tired of considering everybody except me! and not that allan or emily havent compromised... i just i am tired of it...
anyways...allan ended the night by driving me home and by saying he loved me.
i really do believe him
i am trying, but i really am fed up.
enough is enough.
why the hell should i feel guilty about having one fucking night with allan and a day then sum of the next night. i mean... why? is it so much to ask? i see him for a few hours thursday and sunday... i mean c'mon!
emily said yes
so yeah, this Sunday night i have allan overnight....and we spend the day together...
feels weird.
good
but weird
got into a talk withe emily and allan tonight. apparently she wanted allan home by 5pm and allan planned on being home then going out again for a movie with me...
turned into a big talk
so i finally said sumthing ....it came up about the whole integrated family thing and how she didnt know if she wanted that anymore.
i told her point blank, no pressure, but she kind needs to make up her mind on that one. not just for my sake but for anybody they date's sake. it is a big thing. cus for me if there isnt that possibility then this is a dead end relationship and i aint gonna pursue it any longer.
later on, in the drive home i told allan what i'd always been dying to say. "how the fuck did you guys ever think u could engage in full long term relationships if you were not thinking about integrated family and most of all if you were keeping the relationship a secret! what the fuck"
he didnt answer...
but i got it out there...
i also pointed out again, i'm a big picture kinda gal. i'm extremely patient. and have been compromising all the time. not that he and emily arent, i mean she is letting me date her husband, big compromise. but i have been patient and compromising and well...i'm hitting my limit. and no offense but if integrated family isnt a part of this then well...that's it. and i also said that well, i am tired off all the ups and downs this has been. i am tired of always compromising, i am tired of considering everybody except me! and not that allan or emily havent compromised... i just i am tired of it...
anyways...allan ended the night by driving me home and by saying he loved me.
i really do believe him
i am trying, but i really am fed up.
enough is enough.
why the hell should i feel guilty about having one fucking night with allan and a day then sum of the next night. i mean... why? is it so much to ask? i see him for a few hours thursday and sunday... i mean c'mon!
Friday, July 10, 2009
GONNA BLOG SUMTHING VERY, INTIMATE
Okay, i dont want to talk about this with Allan or Emily or a freaking therapist... but i do wanna blog it...once. if i've already blogged it, i guess that makes twice.
i've always told allan i dont like anal. point blank, no. said i had a bad experience once with frank and lft it at that.
one night, let my gaurd down with allan , not going t get into details cus thats tmi but i let my guard down. and after wards had to rush him to the washroom and try to keep myself from having a mini meltdown... allan kinda understood based on my comments b4 like
"had a bad experience once with frank"
and so forth
anyways, cpl nights later i got into details.
it was b4 i was married to frank.
we use to fool around a lot but i always said no intercourse. i had never had full blown intercourse and was saving myself for marriage.
one night frank got over zealous and well we were foolin around and next thing i know he's at me from behind....
but not the way u expect.
he shoves his penis into my ass.
no lube, no condom, no foreplay...
i've never had that done before.. and it hurts like hell.... and i try to pull away, and i want it to stop so badly but he is groaning and seems to enjoy it. and at that point at my life i was always about pleasing the man.... so i grit my teeth and bear it. i mean the first time a guy shoved his fingers up my vagina it hurt so this must be the same right? it gets better right? he keeps going and he's really enjoying it. i mean REALLY . AND I JUST KEEP GRITTING MY TEETH AND FIGHTING OFF THE INTENSE PAIN I FEEL.
its over quickly, maybe 5 min.
he actually orgasms in my ass.
it felt disgusting.
i immediately got dressed and went to the bathroom... i felt horrible. it was disgusting. i feel ashamed and absolutely disgusted with myself....
but when i went back downstairs he was so pleased with himself...
i mean thats the closest he's had to sex with me, so i figure hes just happy..i mean...whatever right.
for the next day i am still, well bathroom wise his actions has consequences leave it at that.
the next time we are together he wants it again.
and i know i try to get him to do other things
and i know i must've pushed away...pulled away. but sumhow again hes in my ass. this time with condom.... thankfully.
it happens like that a few more times, sumtimes with condom sumtimes without.
each time i am in pain. each time i am clearly uncomfortable and trying to avoid it, unsuccessfully.
I MEAN MY BODY LANGUAGE WAS SAYING NO, SAYING STOP. I WAS TENSE. I WAS PULLING AWAY , I WAS NOT MOANING OR GROANING, I WAS SO HURTING.....
i eventually must have said sumthing convincing cus it eventually stopped.... i dont know how many times he succeeded and i dont know how long it lasted and i cant remember all the details and even now it is hard to talk about and it was just so very painful....
i dont know what i did or how i stopped it but it stopped...
anways..... there it is... i told allan. and when i told him i was crying, i was having a hard time explaining it. and even here i dont think i said things right.
he used words like rape, and assault when he said it.
those words bother me.
i mean frank used to try to force me to give him blowjobs... i'd be all cuddled up with him in bed and he'd take me head and start pushing it down to his penis. i'd fight it. never saying no. just pushing my head back. sumtimes he'd win, sumtimes i wld. i never said stop.
and i never said stop all those time he wanted anal.
i must have said stop at sumpoint cus the anal stopped. and i must have said stop at sum point to the blowjobs cus they stopped to...
i mean i see it as an inexperienced over zealous guy with his girlfriend....with girlfriend who just was too fucking stupid to say when it hurts....to say stop...
i do say stop with allan. mean sumthing bother me, i tell him to stop, he does.... doesnt force. and he even reads my body language. if i am tense, he wont ask he just knows that i dont like ti and stops....
i've always told allan i dont like anal. point blank, no. said i had a bad experience once with frank and lft it at that.
one night, let my gaurd down with allan , not going t get into details cus thats tmi but i let my guard down. and after wards had to rush him to the washroom and try to keep myself from having a mini meltdown... allan kinda understood based on my comments b4 like
"had a bad experience once with frank"
and so forth
anyways, cpl nights later i got into details.
it was b4 i was married to frank.
we use to fool around a lot but i always said no intercourse. i had never had full blown intercourse and was saving myself for marriage.
one night frank got over zealous and well we were foolin around and next thing i know he's at me from behind....
but not the way u expect.
he shoves his penis into my ass.
no lube, no condom, no foreplay...
i've never had that done before.. and it hurts like hell.... and i try to pull away, and i want it to stop so badly but he is groaning and seems to enjoy it. and at that point at my life i was always about pleasing the man.... so i grit my teeth and bear it. i mean the first time a guy shoved his fingers up my vagina it hurt so this must be the same right? it gets better right? he keeps going and he's really enjoying it. i mean REALLY . AND I JUST KEEP GRITTING MY TEETH AND FIGHTING OFF THE INTENSE PAIN I FEEL.
its over quickly, maybe 5 min.
he actually orgasms in my ass.
it felt disgusting.
i immediately got dressed and went to the bathroom... i felt horrible. it was disgusting. i feel ashamed and absolutely disgusted with myself....
but when i went back downstairs he was so pleased with himself...
i mean thats the closest he's had to sex with me, so i figure hes just happy..i mean...whatever right.
for the next day i am still, well bathroom wise his actions has consequences leave it at that.
the next time we are together he wants it again.
and i know i try to get him to do other things
and i know i must've pushed away...pulled away. but sumhow again hes in my ass. this time with condom.... thankfully.
it happens like that a few more times, sumtimes with condom sumtimes without.
each time i am in pain. each time i am clearly uncomfortable and trying to avoid it, unsuccessfully.
I MEAN MY BODY LANGUAGE WAS SAYING NO, SAYING STOP. I WAS TENSE. I WAS PULLING AWAY , I WAS NOT MOANING OR GROANING, I WAS SO HURTING.....
i eventually must have said sumthing convincing cus it eventually stopped.... i dont know how many times he succeeded and i dont know how long it lasted and i cant remember all the details and even now it is hard to talk about and it was just so very painful....
i dont know what i did or how i stopped it but it stopped...
anways..... there it is... i told allan. and when i told him i was crying, i was having a hard time explaining it. and even here i dont think i said things right.
he used words like rape, and assault when he said it.
those words bother me.
i mean frank used to try to force me to give him blowjobs... i'd be all cuddled up with him in bed and he'd take me head and start pushing it down to his penis. i'd fight it. never saying no. just pushing my head back. sumtimes he'd win, sumtimes i wld. i never said stop.
and i never said stop all those time he wanted anal.
i must have said stop at sumpoint cus the anal stopped. and i must have said stop at sum point to the blowjobs cus they stopped to...
i mean i see it as an inexperienced over zealous guy with his girlfriend....with girlfriend who just was too fucking stupid to say when it hurts....to say stop...
i do say stop with allan. mean sumthing bother me, i tell him to stop, he does.... doesnt force. and he even reads my body language. if i am tense, he wont ask he just knows that i dont like ti and stops....
no sex?
I did it... i actually made it thru one night with allan with no sex.....
i mean, in the past even menstration hasnt been able to hold him back, LOL. not that i was resisting *wink*
i blame it on pms, i was not bitchy (ok maybe a lil bit when we went to the movies too late to see a movie, but that was short lived, lol. like 2 mins of bitchiness)
anyways, for me pms is usually getting all touchy feeling mopey bluesey.... sex last thing on mind. of course usually at sum point i get horny and wanna jump my man's bones over and over...
but yeah, last night.... no bones jumped.... actually just had night out.
i practically begged for night out. said to allan " i would like to go anywheres except my apartment. as long as there is a bathroom nearby"
so we did, we wet out to a local fast food joint, then headed to a park, ate together went out to rent a movie (tropic thunder wanted brainless comedy to combat mopiness)... and by the time we got to my place was midnight
just laid down and went to sleep on sofa while movie was playing....
first time for anything i guess...
me, and allan... no sex
am proud of myself.... actually managed to do it....am proud of allan, he actually managed to do it. ok no surprises there he's always about "what do u want" and if that means no sex he's ok with that.
He really is a good guy. i am lucky to be with him.... i just dunno about this other women thing, i can handle him and emily but even that gets hard on the head at times.
oh story to tell.....i went into wal mart one night a few weeks ago, was looking for beauty and the beast season 2 and i was with allan and emily too. I went back to wal mart last wknd by myself and asked the kid in that department if there were any in stock and he said " was your husband in her looking for that a cpl weeks ago?" of course i then recognised the kid and i said "no, my FRIEND was" and then i decided to tease the poor kid. said sumthing along the lines of "and how come u assume he was my husband? i was witha woman too, why didnt you assume she was my wife? thats very prejudiced and stereotypical of you, you know"
poor kid turned three shades of red and cldnt look me in the eye. i took to giggling and told the kid not to worry about it was just poking at him, but that i hoped i;d made my point
i mean dont get me wrong, i dont believe in gay marriage. i have gay friends tho, and stereotyping does get me a lil annoyed! LOL
anyways i told allan about it last night. and he laughed but when i said i was annoyed at being called his wife he was confused said it wasnt a bad thing at being thought of as his wife.
i told him in public i am his friend and being seen as his "wife" doesnt bode well for the secret especially since he already has a wife- emily, common law marriage of 11yrs. that got him going into his feeling on marriage vs common law ( i love how i can change the subject) and how he wants to actually marry emily, white wedding style. its cute cus she doesnt want the white wedding any more cus of the fact she's already had 2 kids with him.
i think she's lying to herself. i talk to her, and she says "after i had my first little girl i didnt want that white wedding any longer" i think that stems from the comments her father used to say about how disappointed he was in her for "shaking up" with a man.... i think she wants the wedding but that abusive bastard father of hers has made too much fucking impression on her. i mean, ok fine she wants no white or off white dress... there are other options. my friend Julie for example got married Ina beautiful blue dress that looked Cinderella-esque!
anyways, i hope they will get married sum day. and i hope emily gets over her father comments. i sincerely truly believe thats why she says she doesnt want a big wedding....whether she realises it or not!
i'd love to see allan married to emily.
i dont hate weddings. i love them. but i've always had a secret prayer at every one "please, please dont let them end up like me and frank!" i've said that at every wedding... and so far i've only attended one wedding since i left him (not for lack of trying) i guess that says a lot about my relationship with frank....
i mean, in the past even menstration hasnt been able to hold him back, LOL. not that i was resisting *wink*
i blame it on pms, i was not bitchy (ok maybe a lil bit when we went to the movies too late to see a movie, but that was short lived, lol. like 2 mins of bitchiness)
anyways, for me pms is usually getting all touchy feeling mopey bluesey.... sex last thing on mind. of course usually at sum point i get horny and wanna jump my man's bones over and over...
but yeah, last night.... no bones jumped.... actually just had night out.
i practically begged for night out. said to allan " i would like to go anywheres except my apartment. as long as there is a bathroom nearby"
so we did, we wet out to a local fast food joint, then headed to a park, ate together went out to rent a movie (tropic thunder wanted brainless comedy to combat mopiness)... and by the time we got to my place was midnight
just laid down and went to sleep on sofa while movie was playing....
first time for anything i guess...
me, and allan... no sex
am proud of myself.... actually managed to do it....am proud of allan, he actually managed to do it. ok no surprises there he's always about "what do u want" and if that means no sex he's ok with that.
He really is a good guy. i am lucky to be with him.... i just dunno about this other women thing, i can handle him and emily but even that gets hard on the head at times.
oh story to tell.....i went into wal mart one night a few weeks ago, was looking for beauty and the beast season 2 and i was with allan and emily too. I went back to wal mart last wknd by myself and asked the kid in that department if there were any in stock and he said " was your husband in her looking for that a cpl weeks ago?" of course i then recognised the kid and i said "no, my FRIEND was" and then i decided to tease the poor kid. said sumthing along the lines of "and how come u assume he was my husband? i was witha woman too, why didnt you assume she was my wife? thats very prejudiced and stereotypical of you, you know"
poor kid turned three shades of red and cldnt look me in the eye. i took to giggling and told the kid not to worry about it was just poking at him, but that i hoped i;d made my point
i mean dont get me wrong, i dont believe in gay marriage. i have gay friends tho, and stereotyping does get me a lil annoyed! LOL
anyways i told allan about it last night. and he laughed but when i said i was annoyed at being called his wife he was confused said it wasnt a bad thing at being thought of as his wife.
i told him in public i am his friend and being seen as his "wife" doesnt bode well for the secret especially since he already has a wife- emily, common law marriage of 11yrs. that got him going into his feeling on marriage vs common law ( i love how i can change the subject) and how he wants to actually marry emily, white wedding style. its cute cus she doesnt want the white wedding any more cus of the fact she's already had 2 kids with him.
i think she's lying to herself. i talk to her, and she says "after i had my first little girl i didnt want that white wedding any longer" i think that stems from the comments her father used to say about how disappointed he was in her for "shaking up" with a man.... i think she wants the wedding but that abusive bastard father of hers has made too much fucking impression on her. i mean, ok fine she wants no white or off white dress... there are other options. my friend Julie for example got married Ina beautiful blue dress that looked Cinderella-esque!
anyways, i hope they will get married sum day. and i hope emily gets over her father comments. i sincerely truly believe thats why she says she doesnt want a big wedding....whether she realises it or not!
i'd love to see allan married to emily.
i dont hate weddings. i love them. but i've always had a secret prayer at every one "please, please dont let them end up like me and frank!" i've said that at every wedding... and so far i've only attended one wedding since i left him (not for lack of trying) i guess that says a lot about my relationship with frank....
Monday, July 6, 2009
todays theme song...
well it aint in 30 minutes i have to decide but i certainly feel this way...a and i think the video applies too
30 MINUTES
TATU
VIDEO HERE
Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide
Do we run?
Should I hide?
For the rest
Of my life
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
In the moment
It takes
To make plans
Or mistakes
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
Carousels
In the sky
That we shape
With our eyes
Under shade
Silhouettes
Casting shade
Crying rain
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
Either way
Options change
Chances fail
Trains derail
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
30 MINUTES
TATU
VIDEO HERE
Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide
Do we run?
Should I hide?
For the rest
Of my life
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
In the moment
It takes
To make plans
Or mistakes
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
Carousels
In the sky
That we shape
With our eyes
Under shade
Silhouettes
Casting shade
Crying rain
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
Either way
Options change
Chances fail
Trains derail
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
Sunday, July 5, 2009
more bs...
well, had another talk w/ allan on thursday night....
he told me right now st this point in his life he isnt wanting to add a third woman in the picture. lifestyle wise, time wise, relationship wise cant handle it right now.
wanted to know if we could agree to put this aside for a certain amount of time and revisit. what i mean is he asked me if we could agree to no seeing other ppl (except emily of course) for say 12mth, 2 yrs, 3 yrs etc then come back at the end of that time frame and discuss it again
you know that worked for him and Emily. they put polyamory aside for a cpl yrs them came back to it...
but thats not how i roll..
for me that is too much like ignoring the problem.
allan disagrees.
this is the one time i wish i had a more public blog, get an opinion from others about this hole time frame thing.
i mean i've read up on it, and a lot of the sites say the same thing.... boundaries are good. the time limit thing is god...yada yada yada. but i follow my heart...and to me it is just a way to forget yer problems...
thats how i feel.
if i really have reached my limit, and i really cant handle him with another woman besides emily , if i feel that way now... thats not going to change just cus we set it aside for a time.
but hey lets say i do put this aside...and what if i feel the same way then? what then???? allan says i am focusing on a possibility too much. i say no. i'm sorry but it is a valid question...what if i feel that way then? do we just agree to another time line? what if i always feel that way? how long is too long...cus no offense it isnt fair to him if i keep saying no and he had to put his beliefs on hold.
i feel like he just doesnt want to lose me (and can i blame him? LOL...ok sorry, gotta thro a joke in there sumhow...) and i feel like he is trying to think of ways to make this work when really... what if i cant go any further? what if i have reached my limit...
i dunno...
i just dont know.
all i know is i want a relationship. and i dont feel like i have one. all i know is i want to go home. and i feel like i dont have one. all i know is i want a partner and right now i have a part time boyfriend...despite what he says, he is part time...2 fucking yrs and i have a part time bf, grrreat.
i want so desperately to ask them both "if u both wanted full loving relationships outta this HOW THE FUCK DID U EVER THINK IT WAS FAIR TO KEEP THE OTHER PERSON U ARE DATING A SECRET!!!! did u two even think of how it wld be for the other person???!!! i mean u two have each other, in public u r a cpl. for the person u are dating tho, they are a secret . they are just a friend in public. are forced to hide,
and i ask...how did they think this was fair"
bu i dont. i keep my mouth shut...
i mean coming out isnt the end all be all for this relationship.. and it wont be easy... it will make things a lot harder i bet...
for now tho it is the whole allan and me and possibility of other women thats the problem... he just doesnt get that if i feel this way now... i'll feel this way then...
argh!
i dunno...we'll see how things are...keep talking....
chow!
he told me right now st this point in his life he isnt wanting to add a third woman in the picture. lifestyle wise, time wise, relationship wise cant handle it right now.
wanted to know if we could agree to put this aside for a certain amount of time and revisit. what i mean is he asked me if we could agree to no seeing other ppl (except emily of course) for say 12mth, 2 yrs, 3 yrs etc then come back at the end of that time frame and discuss it again
you know that worked for him and Emily. they put polyamory aside for a cpl yrs them came back to it...
but thats not how i roll..
for me that is too much like ignoring the problem.
allan disagrees.
this is the one time i wish i had a more public blog, get an opinion from others about this hole time frame thing.
i mean i've read up on it, and a lot of the sites say the same thing.... boundaries are good. the time limit thing is god...yada yada yada. but i follow my heart...and to me it is just a way to forget yer problems...
thats how i feel.
if i really have reached my limit, and i really cant handle him with another woman besides emily , if i feel that way now... thats not going to change just cus we set it aside for a time.
but hey lets say i do put this aside...and what if i feel the same way then? what then???? allan says i am focusing on a possibility too much. i say no. i'm sorry but it is a valid question...what if i feel that way then? do we just agree to another time line? what if i always feel that way? how long is too long...cus no offense it isnt fair to him if i keep saying no and he had to put his beliefs on hold.
i feel like he just doesnt want to lose me (and can i blame him? LOL...ok sorry, gotta thro a joke in there sumhow...) and i feel like he is trying to think of ways to make this work when really... what if i cant go any further? what if i have reached my limit...
i dunno...
i just dont know.
all i know is i want a relationship. and i dont feel like i have one. all i know is i want to go home. and i feel like i dont have one. all i know is i want a partner and right now i have a part time boyfriend...despite what he says, he is part time...2 fucking yrs and i have a part time bf, grrreat.
i want so desperately to ask them both "if u both wanted full loving relationships outta this HOW THE FUCK DID U EVER THINK IT WAS FAIR TO KEEP THE OTHER PERSON U ARE DATING A SECRET!!!! did u two even think of how it wld be for the other person???!!! i mean u two have each other, in public u r a cpl. for the person u are dating tho, they are a secret . they are just a friend in public. are forced to hide,
and i ask...how did they think this was fair"
bu i dont. i keep my mouth shut...
i mean coming out isnt the end all be all for this relationship.. and it wont be easy... it will make things a lot harder i bet...
for now tho it is the whole allan and me and possibility of other women thats the problem... he just doesnt get that if i feel this way now... i'll feel this way then...
argh!
i dunno...we'll see how things are...keep talking....
chow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)