more bs...

well, had another talk w/ allan on thursday night....
he told me right now st this point in his life he isnt wanting to add a third woman in the picture. lifestyle wise, time wise, relationship wise cant handle it right now.
wanted to know if we could agree to put this aside for a certain amount of time and revisit. what i mean is he asked me if we could agree to no seeing other ppl (except emily of course) for say 12mth, 2 yrs, 3 yrs etc then come back at the end of that time frame and discuss it again

you know that worked for him and Emily. they put polyamory aside for a cpl yrs them came back to it...
but thats not how i roll..

for me that is too much like ignoring the problem.
allan disagrees.
this is the one time i wish i had a more public blog, get an opinion from others about this hole time frame thing.
i mean i've read up on it, and a lot of the sites say the same thing.... boundaries are good. the time limit thing is god...yada yada yada. but i follow my heart...and to me it is just a way to forget yer problems...
thats how i feel.
if i really have reached my limit, and i really cant handle him with another woman besides emily , if i feel that way now... thats not going to change just cus we set it aside for a time.
but hey lets say i do put this aside...and what if i feel the same way then? what then???? allan says i am focusing on a possibility too much. i say no. i'm sorry but it is a valid question...what if i feel that way then? do we just agree to another time line? what if i always feel that way? how long is too long...cus no offense it isnt fair to him if i keep saying no and he had to put his beliefs on hold.
i feel like he just doesnt want to lose me (and can i blame him? LOL...ok sorry, gotta thro a joke in there sumhow...) and i feel like he is trying to think of ways to make this work when really... what if i cant go any further? what if i have reached my limit...

i dunno...

i just dont know.

all i know is i want a relationship. and i dont feel like i have one. all i know is i want to go home. and i feel like i dont have one. all i know is i want a partner and right now i have a part time boyfriend...despite what he says, he is part time...2 fucking yrs and i have a part time bf, grrreat.

i want so desperately to ask them both "if u both wanted full loving relationships outta this HOW THE FUCK DID U EVER THINK IT WAS FAIR TO KEEP THE OTHER PERSON U ARE DATING A SECRET!!!! did u two even think of how it wld be for the other person???!!! i mean u two have each other, in public u r a cpl. for the person u are dating tho, they are a secret . they are just a friend in public. are forced to hide,
and i ask...how did they think this was fair"
bu i dont. i keep my mouth shut...
i mean coming out isnt the end all be all for this relationship.. and it wont be easy... it will make things a lot harder i bet...

for now tho it is the whole allan and me and possibility of other women thats the problem... he just doesnt get that if i feel this way now... i'll feel this way then...
argh!

i dunno...we'll see how things are...keep talking....

chow!