a 5 hr talk, we are thru

started talking at 7pm... midinght we finished.
"say the words" he'd say
"i'm not breaking up with you" he'd say
"you need to decide" he'd say
"the only one you are outting in more limbo themn me on this one...is you" he'd say
and "stay with me" he'd say

i love him so much. madly, deeply, passionatly.
but love isnt enuff. want more. more then he can give. and i am so tired. i can't co on any longer. its too much.

i broke up with allan alst night. i tried friday, told him i had intended on breaking up... i chickened out. tried saturday . i chicked out. tried last night..almost chickend out... but did it.

we made love one last time. i cried. fitting . i cried out first time, why wouldnt i cry our last time. begged him to stay tile i feel asleep...or just to stay in bed sleeping and cuddlin together until he had to leave.
he satayed till 4am.
wesleept together, as we always did. cuddled closely. at times my arms around him. at times his arms around me. at time my head on his chest. just holding, and being held.
when he left at 4am, i kissed him goodbye..listened to him as he walkse dout the door...locked it behing one final time..and listed to his footsteps, and then his car outside...and heard him leave as my boyfriend...forever.
he'll still be my freind he says...
doesn tmake this hurt any less...

i blame me. he held me close last night and in his softest voice told me not to blame myself. n told me soflty it wasnt my fault.
i didnt cry last night... when i broke up with him...when i finally said those words... i wailed. i howled. my deepest cry ever since the days of frank....compared only to when i found out dad was suicidal. i ahave not wailed liek that....it was a heart tearing sound...i couldnt keep it in once i said those words "i ca't go any farther allan. i cant follow you any longer. its too muich. i cant do it any longer"
then that was it... and i waied....we went into the bedroom when i caled enuff and i asked if we could sleep together one last time. sleep, not sex. then i started wailing all over again, clutching his cest, prb tore off a few hairs..and all the time saying between sobs "its all my fault i'm so sorry." this si where he soflty told me it wasnt my fault, held me close until i had calmed down enuff to lay down....
then after we had laid for a while... he said to me "why am i using alll my will powerto fight off the urge to make love to you?"
and i said "dont fight" i opened myself up to him... and we made love....
a few times i looked at him eye to eye and i forgot all about the pain... i loved him... but then it would all come back.. and we were so close... and he was so tender... and i started to cry...not sobbing, or wailin, justa few tears...ok a lot of tears..but onyl tears.... and at the end... i mad elight of it by saying "well fitting i shld cry this time considering i cried the first time too"
and he looke dat me, all seriosuness in his eyes... no laughter. we always would joke and laught no matter how serious and he said " it was beatiful, dont try to make light of it...." or sumthing liek that... icant quite remeber...
we cuddled close and i dozed off ina nd out ..he snored and dozed.....wh changed positions but never once did one of us not have out arms aroufd the pther...
a final goodbye....
i told him...i said "i thought u were one of my souldmates" and i cldnt finish off to say what i wanted which was that so i thought we'd always be together... he said "i am. you have apeice of my heart, and soul..always"

my heart is torn.. i feel solost.....i miss him so much. i dont knwo if i cld just be his friend, cu every time i see him i willwant ti hold him, and love him, and bet there for him, and to be with him, and to have alife with him....
he said on friday "you are my friend, lover, confidant, support.."
he wa smine too.. i gues we just take lover outta the picture...

oh dear god what i have i done?
what have i done?

and i had a dream alst night, weird one...

last night i had a dream.... i dreamed i was ona a native reserve like the one i grew up nearby. this oen was destitute, poor.... i dont know what happned. but there were these sink holes that started up... sink holes are whent he groyung below the pavement gived way, and the pavment caves in kinda liek a pocket of air was lal the was holding up the pavement and the air escaped so the pave ment caves in... anways, i was on this reserve. and the sinkholes appeared, i i got caught in one with all these ppl i didnt know... and the sink holes tuern into these river of mud, thinka nd stiken and it is flowing and pulling us under. and we are gettign sucked down, down, down... and i hold my hands up to my face i an breath a lil pocket of air, tryign to keep the mud away, and i am getting sucked and i cant stop.. and i am goingt o die...
and i wake up.
i dremt this after allan left ladst nightt...


and by the way, sorry for all the typos... google blogs spell checker isnt working.... great....