GONNA BLOG SUMTHING VERY, INTIMATE

Okay, i dont want to talk about this with Allan or Emily or a freaking therapist... but i do wanna blog it...once. if i've already blogged it, i guess that makes twice.

i've always told allan i dont like anal. point blank, no. said i had a bad experience once with frank and lft it at that.
one night, let my gaurd down with allan , not going t get into details cus thats tmi but i let my guard down. and after wards had to rush him to the washroom and try to keep myself from having a mini meltdown... allan kinda understood based on my comments b4 like
"had a bad experience once with frank"
and so forth
anyways, cpl nights later i got into details.
it was b4 i was married to frank.
we use to fool around a lot but i always said no intercourse. i had never had full blown intercourse and was saving myself for marriage.
one night frank got over zealous and well we were foolin around and next thing i know he's at me from behind....
but not the way u expect.
he shoves his penis into my ass.
no lube, no condom, no foreplay...
i've never had that done before.. and it hurts like hell.... and i try to pull away, and i want it to stop so badly but he is groaning and seems to enjoy it. and at that point at my life i was always about pleasing the man.... so i grit my teeth and bear it. i mean the first time a guy shoved his fingers up my vagina it hurt so this must be the same right? it gets better right? he keeps going and he's really enjoying it. i mean REALLY . AND I JUST KEEP GRITTING MY TEETH AND FIGHTING OFF THE INTENSE PAIN I FEEL.
its over quickly, maybe 5 min.
he actually orgasms in my ass.
it felt disgusting.
i immediately got dressed and went to the bathroom... i felt horrible. it was disgusting. i feel ashamed and absolutely disgusted with myself....
but when i went back downstairs he was so pleased with himself...
i mean thats the closest he's had to sex with me, so i figure hes just happy..i mean...whatever right.
for the next day i am still, well bathroom wise his actions has consequences leave it at that.

the next time we are together he wants it again.
and i know i try to get him to do other things
and i know i must've pushed away...pulled away. but sumhow again hes in my ass. this time with condom.... thankfully.
it happens like that a few more times, sumtimes with condom sumtimes without.
each time i am in pain. each time i am clearly uncomfortable and trying to avoid it, unsuccessfully.
I MEAN MY BODY LANGUAGE WAS SAYING NO, SAYING STOP. I WAS TENSE. I WAS PULLING AWAY , I WAS NOT MOANING OR GROANING, I WAS SO HURTING.....
i eventually must have said sumthing convincing cus it eventually stopped.... i dont know how many times he succeeded and i dont know how long it lasted and i cant remember all the details and even now it is hard to talk about and it was just so very painful....
i dont know what i did or how i stopped it but it stopped...

anways..... there it is... i told allan. and when i told him i was crying, i was having a hard time explaining it. and even here i dont think i said things right.
he used words like rape, and assault when he said it.
those words bother me.
i mean frank used to try to force me to give him blowjobs... i'd be all cuddled up with him in bed and he'd take me head and start pushing it down to his penis. i'd fight it. never saying no. just pushing my head back. sumtimes he'd win, sumtimes i wld. i never said stop.
and i never said stop all those time he wanted anal.
i must have said stop at sumpoint cus the anal stopped. and i must have said stop at sum point to the blowjobs cus they stopped to...

i mean i see it as an inexperienced over zealous guy with his girlfriend....with girlfriend who just was too fucking stupid to say when it hurts....to say stop...
i do say stop with allan. mean sumthing bother me, i tell him to stop, he does.... doesnt force. and he even reads my body language. if i am tense, he wont ask he just knows that i dont like ti and stops....