was too afraid to tell him.. to say i wanted it overwith. i tried. i told him it had crossed my mind and that i had wants to end it tonight...but i didnt. i just left it at that.
he said, he said he wouldnt think any less of me if i told him i couldnt do this any longer.
problem is, i would think less of me
and i love him so dearly.
but sumtimes love isnt enuff...
and there are things i want which are in the are. things i need which are in the air. i am also so tired of things out of my control. i am tired of thinking of everybody else. i am tired of hiding, and living a lie.
he wanted to make love tonight. sex is healing. it is loving. it is more then just sex. always has been with us.
i wouldnt let him.
he respected that. i unintentionally blue balled him. he was hard, and ready, and he was so respectful of me in that he made his intentions or wants known but never forced. just when i said no it was "ok" and we went out to the sofa. he is amazingly sweet that way...
it would be so hard to see him as just a friend.
I'll always love him
Sunday, i'll talk again Sunday and see if i cant get the guts to say it...to say that i just cant do this any longer. that i love him, but there are things i need which cant be provided. and there are things i just am too tired to keep doing...
god i miss him already...
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
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