first official overnight???

tonight, was scheduled to be mine and allan's first official overnight. see the last 2 times well..one was without emily's knowledge. and the second was only a cpl hours. his car broke down stayed till dawn then drove back home...
anyways...never happened.
he and emily got into huge fight. i was in the living room while they had it out int he kitchen. brings back memories of dad and mom, and dad and step mom too....
anyways, got thru that... and flat out told allan, wasnt in the mood to have an overnight n e more. too worried about emily.
why do i feel like a third wheel? oh wait, cus i am.
anyways, No hard feelings. incredibly disappointed. i mean i had all the fixings for a western omelet. even bought bacon to go along with it- fyi i dont buy bacon. in 3 yrs since my surgery i've bought bacon ONCE.
was gonna wake up and cook him breakfast....
had an outfit picked out...was gonna wear a dress. change into shorts and a bathing suit...go fer a bike ride then swimming afterwards...and have him home for 430-5pm so he cld relieve the babysitter and be home per his usual time from work and be home to be with emily.
allan says he'll still drop by int he morning but...i ain't counting on it. i wont really be int he mood then either
i understand, really i do. i am not bitter. i am really disappointed, and hurt.... but not bitter. and i really do understand. she just isnt ready. ok i get that. i knew it. i was hoping i was wrong, but i understand! ok... i understand ....this is a huge deal.... i just wish she would have been honest about her feelings....it would have avoided a lot of pain....
he was thankful he cld vent to me and that i was "his rock" tonight....
i am just thankful i didnt break down crying.... i cant stand conflict like that. i heard too many times my dad and step mom fight and mention me most the time that well now i just, i have a hard time with conflict....and we'll leave it at that.

this is so fucked up......i knew she wasnt okay with the overnight... but in my defense and allan's defense. we talked for a a good three hours Monday, and every time she said she was ok with the overnight. allan talked to her b4 and after Monday, and she kept flip flipping about being ok with it (that is didnt know about till tonight) i mean...all she had to say was "no" instead she said "yes, no, maybe, yes, no..." and totally fucked things up and ended up hurting allan... and me.
but i'm used to it.
she come first.
pace my relationship off her feelings and needs
it is the only way this works
or is it?
seriously....
tonight i just bore it... i wanted to be there for allan..but deep down..this happens so much and i am just so very very tired....
i have a headache now... and my eyes are getting blurry... and i am seeing "white lines" or sumthing.... eye migraine i think is what it is called? so n e ways, i gtg....