2 mins to shatter my heart

the man whom i thought i wld marry.... wesley...just broke up with me in 2 mins flat

he said "i had a long heart to heart with my martial arts teacher/freind last night. he says im not mature enuff to be in a commited realtionship. i am not. so we r done" i said in anger n shock "leave" then said "wait i have questions" to which he saud "no, no we r thru" and ealked out the door...

2 minutes

i was not even worth enuff to have more then 2 mins. i wouldnt have begged him to stay. i just wanted to have more answers. and i know it prob took everything he had to say that much in 2 mins..but it was still cowardly heartless thoughtless and cruel to give me only a 2 min goodbye...

and when i had finally decided marriage wasnt that important...that if i cld just be with him i wld be happy....

now what do i do about allan... i cant rebound. i need time to get over wesley. i dunno how logn that will take and he, well he admitted he loved me n want to marry me... and im too heartbroken now to even let sumbody that close again..

i finally felt at home with my wesley. we had our problems but i wanted to let them go...n he took the choice from me...

two mins...i wasnt even worth more then 2 mins. y am i so worthless????

RRRAAAAARGG!! *throws stuff around* That is all

kitty purring at my side. jumped on bed, as she always does when i crawl

onto my bed cus she thinks its bedtime n cuddle time. she has her own spot on the bed. on left side. top corner,

next to pillow. thats her spot. n shes laying there now with a look that says "y r u awake, u were sleeping,

come back to bed n stop typing on yer laptop.

tonight, wesley n i were supposed to talk. we r on a break. which fer me is NOT ficguring outhow to say we are

done but rather it is litterally figuring out if i am happy with him. not automatically breaking up. soul search

he still doesnt know if he wants marriage fer marriage. he says he wants marriage because i want it but he

doesnt beleive in it.

tonigth we were supposed to talk...instead....he decides at last minute to invite himself to a movie and then

see me afterwards to talk. normally this is fine except he never called to chk the time and when i do get hold

of him hesays he willl drop by 10 or 11pm.... i remind him that i said i was going to bed early from now on cus

i was falling asleep at my desk at work n not sleeping fully. i keepw aing up. hence the blogging now. cus im

wide awake fer a lil bit, i tell him that i feel liek yet again he put his freinds ahead of me. i dont expect him

not to have a life but i do expect him to at least follow thru and maybe call me to chk on a time b4 fucking off

with his freids cus when he says he wants to talk then fucks off to a movie.....and doesnt even reply to my

texrts fer a few hrs.... kinda makes me a lil sad...

anyways, he finally leaves the movie to come talk.... and i am amess cus i feel ditched yet again....

he still doesnt beleive in marriage but will do it just to keep me....

i dunno. tonight was pros n cons night, but i dont feel like typing up that list now... im too itreed and too

emotionally drained.... i dunno f i wanna stay with him...he says he will change. stop pushing me away, stop

ditching me fer freinds, stop forgettign about me when he promisses to drop by. start sleeping over 5 ngts at

wk at least, and maybe eventually marry me. hesays he doesnt now cus of school..i asked...what wld that

change. u can go to school and bemarried , we dont hav to have kids just cus we r married... it can waitr....

so yeah..... still very hurt. very ditched. when he said he was coeing tonight to talk then at last minute goes

to a movie with buddies and then never bothers to call or tell me when or where...i felt dirty ditched.... and

liek he isnt makign good on his change. this isn not about allan vs wesley n e more .... this is about do i

wanna be with wesley?

too tired to blog...lost going on...fucking confused.... will blog tomm night.... pros n cons an needs n wants list to come soon....

NO

i listen to my heart,

feel it silently breaking

my world falls apart

i feel such pain

all as the world goes on

who knew such a small word

held such power

WESLEY

no sorrow so deep

as the one felt

when your heart

feels at home

only to find

it was all a dream

LOVE?

unsay those words

undo those actions

take back time and

give me back my hope.

im not sure

anymore

ME

theres right

no wrong

no sure way

no path

just a bunch

of fucked up choices

so wesley and i had a talk. but that getting ahead of myself.... lets start with saturday night. i'm at allan and emily's for the first time in a long time. allan has actually said i cld come over, before it was "nope emily u cant have criesalone over"

allan had been drinking, as had emily. our other freind Hope had decided to spend the night and as such took up the spare bed that was allan emily's son (he was away for the night) that meant i wld be on the sofa. allan wasnt in bed yet... we decided to stay up n watch movies till we were ready fer bed...

and he was drinking, and i had a beer... and figured...this is nice. lets deal with the bullshit keeping our freindsjip apart....

so we talked...

and i fully expected to hear him say he wasnt over me and that was reason for awkwardness betwen us. and i fully expected to hear him ask if i was really happy with wesley and i fully expected to say "no, he still cant sleep over and ;puts things b4 me and hasntr been there for me all this week with the funerals"

i didnt expect us to talk till 6am. i certainly did not extpect us to talk so much about...us. and everytime i ask a question he says "are u sure u r ready for the answer"...and everytime i say "sure" and everytime i am thinking, this is just gonna get rid of the bulllshit n then he n i can b frfeinds and i can actually come over and see emily and be around him at freind gatherings and not feel awkward.... and everytime.... his feelings are showing thru. and as the night goes on...

he does it

professes his love for me. says he never got over me. 2 and a half yrs and hes still in love and....

im not sure how to type this....

um his feelings are ther and havent gone away and he knows just how he would propose to me, and would propose to me in a heart beat, he wants to spend his life with me......

but im with wesley and if im happy with wesley then he wld gladly walk me down the ilse and give me away but that he doesnt think im happy with wesley given my reactions and bodylanguage etc...

and yeah i know hes with serena and me with wesley but

and well....

yeah.....

i admit im not happy with wesley. it has beena yr and he wont even stay overnights and he cant sleep inthe same bed and he puts his wanting to sleep in ahead of oh say comforting me after a funeral and he is not around when i nneded him this week and he keeps pushing me away when i try n get closer...

we hug as he goes to bed at 6am... so ive jst iopened pandors box. i avent written everything cus well it was a 4 hr talk! we said a lot. but the jist of it was " i love you, u love me why the hell are we together n working on getting married?"

so i babysit their kids next day. next night serena n myself and allan head out to a seond funeral. leaveing emily with the kids at home. and we drop off serena and allan andi talk some more..and i ask againa lot of same stuff cus well i wanna make sure it wasn drunk talk.

it was not

i ask

well what if i werent woth welsey n e more

he says

i wld leave serena and be with u within 24 hrs

whoah

so then i come home and tell welsey all i have learned. fully expected him to go all ammer on allan and tell him to fuck off hes messing with my heart and emotions

instead...

when i talk...

he doesnt seem to care, the next day i talk to him, sumthign is bugging me so i spark upa talk after we r well awake

and when i ask his view on marriage and commitment (and yeah we have talked b4 about us getting married what wedding we wld have where we wld honeymoon and i do mean we. the word used were always "we")

he says

it never even crossed his mind. he doesnt wanna get married. ever.

i ask him if he at least wants marriage some day.

nope never

i ask if it is jst moveing too fast and if it is i can slow things down and stick aound as long as he needs. i can wait yrs if needed if he just telle me he one day wants marriage. it doesnt even have t be me. just tell me he eventually wants to married to somebody then i wont feel like im wasting my time ion another dead end relatonship. i add i only told him about allas profession cus he has the right to know when a man profersses his love to anothe mans girlfriend ...

welsey still says no... never wants it...

and he leave me. i beg him to stay home from one class so we can talk. midterms r done. finals r mths away.... and he still says no.

keaves me ina pile of tears on my bed

and i am heart brokern.

here is my ex, who i left cus i couldnt so poly. saying he is now mono, never wants poly again, loves me, wants to marry me, and has never stopped loveing me...

and here is my wesley saying he loves me but has no intetion to ever marry me despite the fact we have talked about our wedding he justsaw it as conversation....

well that was monday morning. since then allan has spoke to serena and i dont know how that went. regardless of how things go with me an wesley, allan and serena need to talk cus he is still in love with me and she deserves much better then to be choice # 2... esp if he is willignt o break up with her that fast to be with me. then again he says he knew she was a rebound and that marriage was in distant future maybe possibly and neede dto move slown take things one step atta time

and now welsey has admitted he has been pushing me away all his time. he admits he had a fear of commitment.he admits he doesnt want marriage but would marry me to make me happy

i thinkthats wrong, it wld make him bitter and resentfult o do sumthign he doesnt want...

so no i have 2 men, both wanting me. both in love with me. one who has genuinly chnaged and is mono now and wants t marry me cus he wants t be married with me

and the other is promsing change, hurt my heart, and says he will marry me if only to keep me around. a leash basically as far as im concerned...leash me up so i am tied to him.

and i honestly dont knwo what to do or who to choose

this time it isnt mono vs poly

thins time it isnt even allan vs wesley

this time it is who can i trust ..... the one who has changed and wants to be wit just me, who nvere lef t me. i broke up with them becaue i coudltn do polyand not they fel the same, no poly.

or do i choose the one with cmmmitment fears who says he has changed his mind and promises to change his ways and says he will arry me if only to keep me

i also wanna say that allan by no means wants me to choose. he says as long as i am happy, he is happy. but am i happy with wesley? no? so now i ogtta choos if i wanna try to give wesley another chance to have us be happy.... or walka way and have allan give the chance to have us be happy

wesley...or allan

fml

MEN! U EITHER WANT WHAT U DONT HAVE OR DONT WANT WHAT U DO HAVE!

THIS SUCKS ASS! THIS SUCKS DIHAREA SHIT STAINED FURRY ASS!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW!!!???

i wish i had never opend pandoras box.

but ifg i hadnt then weksey would never have faced his fear of commitment. althoit may bee too late. cus he finally suceeded in pushing me away, and i dont know if i can come back. so we r ona week long break. andif i never wld hav asked welsey then he nvr wld have had the chnace to litterally man up...

and if i hadnt asked allan those question he never would have dealt with hima nd serena and woulkd never have had the chance to say how he felt for me. least now no matter what i choose, he knows he had the chance to have me back. instead of regretting never tellig me. better to have love and proclaimed love thenlost it then to suffer it silently

curitosity didnt KILL the cat

you've gotta be kidding me...

argh blargh nuffle blargh argggggggh! thats what i get when i break down all the fuckign walla and have a heart to heart...

wonderful.... just wonderful...

so tell me.... what do you do when something just sounds too good to be true? what do you do when ur heart skips a beat with joy and also u feel like vomiting from panic and fear....">what do u do when ur hearts deepest most secret desire is confirmed?

what do u do... would you ignore it and continue with life....

or follow your heart....

aw fuck....

thats what i get for haveing a candid no walls heart to heart with somebody.... i could have said no, dont tell me. i was warned, but my damn curiousity and some sick desire to be told something i suspected and felt, was right

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit! ‎"Do whatever comes your way to do as well as you can. Think as little as possible about yourself and as much as possible about other people and about things that are interesting. Put a good deal of thought into happiness that you are able to give." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Oh eleanor, you are so right... i need to put thought into this...

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

now what??? fuck! shit!

funeral

funeral today..... still thinking of emily.

wonderign how she is doing. we saw pics of her mom as a lil girl and oh my word spitting image of her youngest girl! emily says she takes comfort in the fact there is so much of her mom in her girls.... she aologised to me last night fer not getting any alone time with me. NO u dont need to apoligise to me, seriously sweety i shld be apologiseing to u for not being there more. she is such a sweety thinkign of everybody else, except herself. i think thats a huge part of who she is but it is a little bit of a tactic to avoid breakign down. that will come. when she has nuttin left to do... when all the matters with her mother are settled... she will have a good long cry... it always happens...

she was so strong last night.... but she started to lose her strong self when she spoke of how her middle child is handling the news.....shes starting to process the fact her grandmother is gone , and her grandmother was her number one fave person in the whole world.

she is such a strong woman. she has her faith to get her thru this.... and suprisingly enuff... allan. weird but comforting. allan hasnt brought his new woman to the funeral stuff. thank gawd. really huge faux pas.

not taking wesley..... asked him to stay last night. ok more like begged. said he wanted to sleep in.... asked him last night why he wasnt going to the viewing .... he just smiled and said "oh gotta go. bye" there has to be some reason y.... is it the funeral itself? can he not handle death? did sumbody die n scar him? what is it... cus at this point there had beeter be areason cus he keeps fucking off everyt time i ask him to be there thru this...

could it be allan? is he worried he will punch out allan er sumthin?

anyways enuff that.... gotta go get ready.... funeral today.

Shes dead

and thats it.... 333pm, sunday, emily's birthday.... her mother died.

fuck....

we all went to dinner, her n me and our freind Betty and emilys kids and allan.... we all went to dinner after to try n salvage her birthday. whal else was there? her mom was dead....

funeral arrangemtns are done.

i almost broke up with wesley sunday... i tried calling him and texting hom from 1pm till 330pm to tell him what was going on and... no answer. i finally got hold of him at 330pm as i was leaveing for the hospital, tld him emailys mom had died n i was on my ay to hospital "oh shoot" he texts.... the as walkign in the hospital i call him ....and i ask "babes where r u. ibe been trying to reach u." "home" he says "how long?" "half hour to 40 mins" he says "fuck you!" i bleep at him....

still mad....

poor emily.... her birthday... HER BIRTHDAY!!!!! SHE DOESNT NEED THAT! NOT FAIR! WHAT THE FUCK DID DHE DO TO DESERVE THAT NOW HER BIRTHDAY WILL FORVEVER BE THOUGHT OF AS THE DAY SHE LOST HER MOM WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK,THINK i got that outta my system...nope...

WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK MUCH better.... wish i cld make emily feel better. she really really deserves a break. sumthign amazing is gonna happen to her i k ow. sumthign amazing is around the corner to make her life smile and happy and whole...

i dunno what but i got faith..

speaking of which she has hers too and that how she got thru it. her mom did too and thats how she was able to die peacfully...

emily, sumtime soon... the sun is gonan shine so much ur gonna wonder about sunburns! i know it...soon, sumthign amazing to help with all this bullshit!

Emily.....

Emily's mom is on her last legs... she is dieing.....

my heart breaks fer emily. i can honestly say, i understand how she feels. mae was fer lack of a better word and blood.... my mom. my mother gave birth to me and i dont know how much i will weep when the day comes but my mae...she was my mom. and now emily is losing her mom....

she is doing the same thing i did. i used to just show up and stay in maes room, even tho most time she was asleep. it was time together....

emily is detached, thinking about property and such.... but... it will hit.... give it time. no matter how much you prepare yourself, it hits eventually....

i was talking to wesley tonight... shes had sucha fucked up few yrs....

her and allan have problems, her and her father, her and i, the schools giveing her son problems, her freinds and co workers dieing, her husbands nan and aunt dieing, nearly loseing her job in the recession, haveing a 3 way with somebody who is married and their spouse didnt know, finaicial issues some self inflicted others not, dealing with a mom who is ageing and in need, delaing wotha mom who is in and outta hhospital while tryign to jugle 3 kids and a jerk of an ex spouse, dealing with the separation, dealing with jerks who look promsing but are problems waiting to happen in person....

when will it stop.

u know.

i mean i know we all need fire to bring out the impurities in the gold but still.... enuff already the gal has gone thru enuff....

and now her mom is dieing.

and my heart is breaking for her. i know that loss all too well..... and i am really truely sorry she has to go thru this now..... whynow? with the crap from the separation.... why now...

it will be a year soon for me and wesley..... he still cant sleep here overnights. i fought with him..... cus he knew i was upset with thre stuff emily is goign thru i needed him and he decided to fuck off to some game and then not bother to drop by after to spend sum tiem with me as he always does b4 he goes to bed.... so i felt rejected and alone when i needed to feel extra loved and accepted....

nuttin major.... we made up....

fuck why the hell is emily going thru this.... cant she have it easy.... seriously. enuff is enuff....

there are days, i still wish her and allen would kiss n make up.... i think he knows what he has lost and wld be willign to fix his problems and i think she feels the same about her .....i mean she is already working on it... but i know it will never happen... they are thru. no going back and fixing it.... least she feels it is thru.....

poor emily..... neeeds sum sunlight in this fucked up night of a life shes got lately

one year ago today

I remeber, being pick up by allan. being brought to allan and emily's..... being offered the one thing I had dreamed about....

tonight, one year ago....

allan and emily asked me to be poly with them again.

emily, said she wanted me back.

allan said he wanted me back.

i remeber planting the most passionate, long kiss i think possible onallan's lips in the car that night on the way home after they had asked me back.

i remember how much chaos it put me thru. i wanted so badly to say yes but i knew.... there were so many promises and so little to go on. i had been hurt, and i wasnt sure...

so i remember giveing allan a chance to convince me otherwise.

and i remember giveing wesley a chance to convince me

a year ago today it was monogomay vs poly.

wesley vs allan...

and i hated every moment of it.

it was by far the most difficult decision ever....

i'm pretty melancholy tonight.... ok im downright sad tonight....

i love my wesley, i do. and i wouldnt change a thing. but that doesnt mean, my heart still doesnt feel a pang at what was lost in a simple "no" to allan and emily...

so many dreams.... wewre all with a simple "yes granted" and with a "no" squashed

i do not regret my choice.... i did what was best for me...

doesnt mean i dont feel sad....at what was lost...