Happy Ho ho ho to me

Well, this Christmas eve was shall we say.. an enlightening one. and no, i dont mean cus of the perdy christas tree lights.
I spent Christmas eve....with .... frank?????????!!!!!!!!!!!
well, not intentionally anyways.
I went to christmas eve service at my church (grandmotherless... she cldnt get down till christmas day cus of the weather) At church i met up with John (maes son& dear freind of mine) he mentioned he had wrapping still to do, when i mentioned i needed to get some done as well he invited me over to his dad's place. I accepted, afterall Mae's daughter Patricia wanted to see me for Christmas anyways.
john had no idea FRank was there visting Thomas (mae's husband) and patricia for christmas too.
I walked int he door and said
"happy Christmas....oh,oh... merry christmas frank???" (fyi, watched the tudors and as it is set in king henry's vii's (i think) time they say happy christmas on the show and had been saying that all day.lol)
i had a choice... i cld make fer a hasty retreat, miss out on visiting and wrapping and make patricia and john and possibley thomas feel bad.... or i cld deal, muster up all my courage, and stay.
I stayed
part of me...regrets that i did.
the other part of me is proud i did.
and yet another part of me feel weird.
while i was there, didnt allan call at one point to wish me a merry christmas and to say "i love you" i cldnt say it back cus everybody was there and he knew it.... but i was so happy he did think to call me. it helped to hear his voice, it gave me corage to get thru the night. and i was so happy to heard him say merry christmas and i love you :)
I realised 2 things that night.
1) I have overcome my bitterness and anger towards Frank. least i did that night. and
2) i can never be friends with frank.
It was so very weird.... we were talking and smiling and joking like we used to do in the best of years. It wa so comfortable. normal. well abnormal but felt normal, u know? we were teasing patricia, and poking fun at paul, he and i were talking about the family catching up on the animals and the ex in laws.
btw, on a side note... frank told me the 9-10inch sized oscars died. i was always the one who manged to nurse them back to good health when they got sick. i always got the meds into the aquarium, fed them one pellet ata time nursing them back to health. i always said they were franks babies, but really... they were my babies too. lol. turns out scar the male got sick and died, 2 wks later os the female followed. they were a good 11 inces long each when they died.... i mourn them. no seriously, i do. i loved those fish! they had cool personlaities! they knew who their owner s were! and when they wanted food, if i was in the room the female wld start charging and spashing at the top of the water. they'd splish and spalsh if a new person came in the livingroom...oscars that sixe made good watchfish, lol, man they were cool. and the best part. even tho they were huge fish who loved live food, i cld reach into that tank and pick up each of them hold them in my hands and put them in the temp tank to clean their big tank. they wldnt flop, they were calm in my hands outta the water. no struggle to get them, when they saw my hand they wld let me scoop em right up. cool eh? they were red oscars if i rember correctly. anyways back to chrstmas eve w/ frank
it was so very very weird, but not in the least awkward. all the time i kept thinking of allan, and how i wanted him there. and then... frank gave me a look. and i melted. 8 yrs together, i could count on 2hands the amount of times we'd had sex. but after 8 yrs, he grew to know my buttons, and i grew to love and know the rare times when he'd give me that wanting you lookin his eyes.
i saw that look.... once. i know i did....
and i melted.
dear god did i melt.
but only physically.
frank to me, is incredibly attractive... and after yrs of beign together they werent all bad. one flash of that look and i had to severly remind myself why i left in the first place. and had to reprimand myself for melting.
by melting i mean... just that.... the oh dear god feeling....i cant really decribe it. it was just that.
after reminding myself of the reasons i left, and the fact i was in love w/ another man (allan) and that frank had been from what i know dating yet another woman....it was enuff. i manged to keep from melting anf to keep from getting awkward.
till the end of the night. frank stayed until john and i decided to leave. i took franks hand and wished him a merry christmas and he looked kinda hurt and said " is that all i get?"
i gave him a hug.... then had to dash out the door. cus i melted.
why the hell is he like this a yr and half later... i dunno. maybe cus he rewalises what dumb fuccking ass he was and that i am sumthign really special and he will never have the pleasure and privialage to know me that way again?
yeah thats it. know that i think about it, maybe thats why he was all nice nicely to me. having seens 4 other woman now int heis past yr 1/2... maybe he realiseing just how stupid he was to let me walk away.
ha!
ok justa lil bitterness there. lol. yippee!
thank god we dont have any kids! i cldnt deal with that everytime he'd come to get kids..... i dunno how my father did it w/ my mother and i dont know how my blogging friend does it w/ his cubs' mother!
so yeah, i realise i no longer have bitterness w/ frank. I have sumthing else.
heaven forbid he pick up on what hapneded and proceeeds to try to build on it. heaven forbid.i doint need that shit! its my worst feat. then, then i'll need to do sum serious rereading to remind myself just how much of an asshole he was to me and how bad it was and make sure i am honest to allan so he knows and take sum councilling again to make sure i am dealing and wont give myself a damn panic attack!
see thats the problems in bad relationships.....its hard to leave, cus its sumthign u know. no matter how bad, u know it... and when i left i thgt id dealt w/ all those feelings. and i know i did. cus i dont love the man anymore. but w/ the recent months of me wanting more from allan and not getting it...now i have to refocus myself and make damn sure i remind myslef daily franks bad for me, despite those incredibley handsum grey eyes and that sweet innocent boyish smile hidden behind that wonderfully well kept and dashing black will riker from star trek beard.... and that wikedly funny sense of humour that can still make me laugh so hard i piss myself.
purly physical nutting more. i'd never go back to frank. can't. wont put myself thru that again. purly physical. the guy was bad for me. at the beginnign it was sweet. he and i were in love. u dont marry to divorce afterall. but in the end, frank was an asshole who treated me like shit!
allan, oh allan. he's got the whole pkg.i love him so very much. he's everything frank wasnt and more. allan teeats me like a princess, calls me beautifula nd sexy, he is a loving, caring, handsum, sweeet, kind, honest, funny, sexy, expressive, adorable,appreciative,cuddly, hugable, intelligent, ambitious, sensitive, creative, with the most beautful soul i have ever come across and a wonderfully huge heart capable of loving equally more then one woman at a time.

so that waschristmas eve...
christmas was with allan and emily their 2 of 3 kids an my grandmother.
by the end of the night grams was priasing allan left right and centre. thought he was a sweet caring man. even went so far as to tell him she considered him her adopted grandson! lol.
well he did keep calling her grams all night! lol
oh if she only knew! lol
it was wonderful to see them getting along so well. she even got along w/ wnedy. she thought wendy was a caring mother and a wonderful cook too! lol.
oh we had the best ham dinner ever! yum! ham and fiddle heads and potaoes and veggies w/ cheescake fer dessert!
omg!
we chated fer hours afterwards!
i even gave allan and family their gifts.
i got allan his fave true crime authors newest book (btk), a book on batman and philosphy, a wizard w/a dragon figurine (for his geek room), a 25$ gift card for a local store, and a pair of jeans.
i got emily a $50 gift card for a local store, the "love" keychain from sex and the city, a pair of lighters, and another gift which she has to open on new yrs eve for the gift exchange w/ martha and me :)
i bought their two girls the stuart little set
a dn for thier boy, i drew and framed his 3 fave super mario characters to put on his wall cus he wanted them painted on the wall but his parent said no so i drew it fer him to hang up. ok, i drew luigi, waluigi and yoshi. the hardest ne to draw was luigi! dammit! waluigi is supposed to be the hardest to draw but he wa sthe easiest! luigi is supposed ot be the easiest but he was the hardest! lol
i got my dad a max lucado bible ( as dad is a new christian), and a devotinal book called purpose driven life ( which i will hope helps w/ his walk and his life in genral), anda box of cherry chocolates which he loves!
i got my lil sister a keepsake thing she cld hang on the tree, or stick to her locker at school or to the fridge which says new driver 2008 and can house her pic. she just got her beginners this yr! yeah for my lil sis! she was from dads second marriage, so shes a lot younger then me btw!
i got paul a mini roulette table that has shot glasses and i also got him 2 figurines he can paint up, one of a viking like guy standing on a slain dragon, and one of a dragon in armour.
i got gabriel my godson a cars kids shaving kit (i also have to give him an angel which i will ahve to venture out on sat or sun toget (ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!) ...its traditional. everytime i buy him a gift for xmas i give him an angel and this yr i forgot! and i just remebered now. whoops:)
i got mom a "thanks mom" book and a 25$ gift card to her fave clothing store
i got martha a book of romance vampire, ghost and werewolf stories(hehehehe)
and thats everybody :)
best part is, the gift cards were all bought w/ award points at work that i get for performing well :) so very thoughtful and as alan said "aww, thats sweet" lol
oh what did i get?????... awesum gifts!!!!
dad got me a computer desk and a 20 inch flat screen lcd moniter!and a 4 qrt slow cooker (yippeee, no really i wanted one. now i can have meals waiting fer me cooked when i get home ;)
grams gave me money ( god bless her i needed that!)
allan gave me MEERKAT MANOR SEASON 1 DVD!!!! AND THE TELUS STUFFED MEERKAT FROM GUND!!!!!!!!!!!! serosuly outta all the gifts, the lil stuffed meerkat and the dvd, were my fave gifts! lol. oh and he got me... my own copy... of watchmen graphic novel!!!!!! i started reading his last yr and then he lent it out. lol. now i have my own!
i dunno what emily got me... i suspect either sex in the city or mama mia... the gal cant keepa secret. ill find out at the gift exchange new yrs eve.
and thats it!
i made off like a bandit! lol

the best part thos... the most wonderful gift of all...
was spending christmas day w/ my boyfirend, my best friend, their kids, and my grandmother.....
that was awesum!

merry christmas. happy new year.
take care

smow and a move and a house for my friends

This doesnt happen very often.....so perhaps it shld be marked upon a calander or sumthing. then again, this si an anonymous blog...so perhaps best not :) but today, today i will blog out hapy thaoughts.
well, i'll try to blog out happy thoughts, but as this is typically a blog i use to vent my frustrations, bad thoughts etc that may prove difficult. anyways, hsall we?

So Emily and allan moved into there hous this weekend. yipee , welcome to 23 1/2 yrs of debt! lol. we moved in a blizzard. yup. a blizzard. now 4 any1 who doesnt undertsand a blizzard here means oh about 40 com snow dumped over night w/ wnds gusting at gowd only knos how fast ( weel that aint tru, instruments can measure the wind speed, anyways) w/ white outs ( thats when da snow she blows so fast u r lucky to see ur hand in front of yer face let alone the road in front of u) and cold temps! yeah, se we started moving at 9am.... by 630pm strom hits. no problemo, we think. big badda truck, itty bitty snow falkes.
ummm, yeah
so we finish off load# 2 and go back fer load #3. still lotsa snow.
load # 3 loaded. pull into driveway. slight problem.
cant get up driveway. too manny of those itty bitty snowflakes making it slippery.
we keep tryiong to back in the truck up the drivewy cus well.. we wanna hve the back end as close as possible to the garage so we can load into the garage.
umm yeah.
so here i am, ms has no liscence, nvr drivena truck b4.... standing out in a fucking blizzard, with my sneakers, and allans spring jacket, and i am yelling out (fromt he side) stop, go this way, go that way, try again....)
help arrives
nect door neighbours! sorta. more specifiaccly neighbours who live up street visint iter sister who is nxt door. anyways nxt door neighbours come over, in parkas and boots (haha, my breain was mush and i forgot my stuff, allans stuff was packed i made du and am now sniffling cus of it! anyways) and say "lets drive the van up , not back it up. looky loo! it worked lol. then allan says "fuck it, not doing last load"
neighboroonies dont let us. say "lets do it now, u have fresh meat. me and my hubby will help u guys. "
allan actually agrees.
so me in sneakers and spring coat, allan in sweat shirt and jeans ( damn he still managed to look sexy! fuck!), emily in fleece coat and sneakers, and neighbouroonies ( who actually i emily know the wifey poo neighbouroonie from work! lol) bucket brigade his comics into the house and unload the rest of the garage stuff into the garage.
yup.... we got er dun tho.
boo-rah! ha! blizzard smizzard! lol
yeah so they are in their happy lil home.
good for them.
onward ho. on to toher happy thought
see this si where it get not so happy... i am trying to focus on happy thoughts so that i can stay happy....
holidays are not fun
not anymore
so anyways... other happy things... like allan. he dropped by friday. i had the day off, as did he. so he stopped by. whata pleasnat surprise. i lovwe it when he surprises me :) we spent a lil time toegether b4 he had to get eily from work, then cam back to pick me up. i helped himand emily pack lasy minute things then stayed the night. saturday i helped paint the new home and then back to the old apt to waot for paint to dry. emily called it a night adn allan and me weree left to the livingroom for an ahour or so to ait till ikdnight b4 we cld pain another coate....
we spent the time cuddling. well its started out on separate couches. and i asked to cuddle. he said he was comfy.lol, he looked it too. so i laid back down and tried not to sulk.
i dont sulk to get my way. but i do sulk if i dotn get to cuddle w/ my boyfriend who i hardly see. lol
thankfully, allan eventually lookeds at me, sat up and patted the couch, beckining me over.
thank you. lol
so i snuggled up nice and close, and closed my eyes. my head laying on his chest. i love his chest. its always warm and loving. and when i am ther its loving and safe and sweet. he wraps his arm around me and i can close my eyes and drift off to sleep. i hear his heart beating. strong, steady, loving. its my favorite part. more then the arms, his hands caressing me, more then his warmth...its his heart.
strong. steady. true. loving.
always beating...on and on...
he loves to cuddle. we always cuddle after making love. and ont he rare night we dont, he lets me cuddle in his arms tll i fall alseep. ocasionally he does too. lol. and that just elps me sleep as i find his snoring actually comforting.
yeah i just saidit... his snores are comforting.
they actually induce a state of happiness and comfotablesness and help me to peacfully sleep :)

i just wish i cld enjoy it more often (see now theres that bad again... yeash can't have a totally happy thgt can i?)

anyways, therer is is... a happy blog.
enjoy :0 i know i will.
thinking of cuddling w/ allan... always makes me smile. why shldn't it? cuddling with the one you love should always make a smile show up on yer face :) thats how u know u r truly in love, when justt he thought of them.... gives you those butterflies in yer stomach and that squishy hapy lovey dover feeling lol :)

xoxoxo
je t'aime mon amoure...despite the obvious flawsin our relationship, i'll work as hard as i can to stay strong... for u. cus i love you. and i want to be with you- that is i want to be with you poly syle of course :) and by poly stayle, i mean i dont wat u all to myself, cus thats not polyamoury :) i want you to love the other u love, and be with me too :)
anyways, nuff blogging... i need to sleep.... been alogn wknd pushed mysekf way to hard to help allan and emily.
i shlda known better... but i wanted to help them so badly. didnt want them to do this on their own... i mean i've moved and unpackjed on my own... no fun.

glad to help allan and emily.... but urs truly pushed herself a lot too hard and will prob be feeling very very tired these nxt few days...

oh and in case i dont geta chance...merry christmas!

poly style

Ok, so i know that i do a lot of bellyaching on this blog.... but u know what... ever since i started this blog...its beena release. a way for me to anonymously vent out about my life w/out fear of reprocusion (however u spell that, anyways).... I just want to say that cus recenty i got told that doing this kida blog was silly.... not by any of u folks that happen to read it... no i told myself this...
hey, it aint crazy to have conversations w/ yerself in yer head....whats crazy is having conversations w/ yerself aloud. lol
anyways... i got over that feeling, realising i have needed this blog to vent... ansd to talk about the good but mostly the bad....

so, anyways...
amily kinda svcared me tonight.... told me how the youngest lil gal of hers came about.... turns out in april and may, she got her period but it wa slight, and short, and kinda wonky. so she took a pregnancy test. negative. went to dr for a pa... and bam! pregnant. did ultrta sound... yup pregnant...
so yeah... i dont think i'll feel btr now until i see my dr on jan 7th.... think i may ask allan to tag along... just in case. fuck! i hate that feeing.... but hey.... bettr safe then sorry. lol
yeah...
part of me si terrified, the other part...anxious, and another part.... i dunno....
so yeah.... happy ho ho ho to me!

so lets talk sumthing i nvr talk about....politics. i guess Canada is heading fer recession too it looks like...crap. and i decided to go back to university to get either a teaching degree or a socila work degreee.... welll... looks like i'll be sitting down and talking w/ friends and family cus well...heres the kivker...lets say i get laid off... because i am ins chool...i wldnt qualify fer employment insurance. dispite working full time, and paying in willingly..wldnt matter.... in school no aid. so yeah..i wanna make sure i have my bases covered..ie... back up plan to move in w/ sumbody worst case...
yipes
anyways..nuff that...

lets talk what usually do.... my life. so umm, yeah..been thinking a lot lately, bout life. where i am going, what i want, how long am i willing to wait t get there...and i rwalised sumthing. I'm impatient, now anyways. nvr used to be. but i am now.
when i first started dating allan, i was content w/ being freinds in public and boyfriend/girlfriend in private...but afte months and then a yr...i started wanting more.
and i began to anylise... not good. anyways, realised allan himself..is the best thing to happen to me ina while. I love me a lot that man. wanna spend my life with him. blended family... me emily, him (no threesums, think like big love minus the polygamy marriage part replace w/ polyamoury relationships part) i really want this.... but how long till i get there... cus well... i am getting impatient. so tired of hiding, but nnot just that tired of having a part time boyfriend. i ant those mundane life things.... u know hello hunny how was work, suppers ready, whats on tv, lets cuddle, time fer bed off we go... u know??? the mundane life stuff ppl take fer granted.
and i began to wonder...i mean allan is the bestthing to happen to me...i love him w/ all my heart... and altho hes #1 best in my life now... is the realtionship second best? seriosuly....
last wknd, i wa stired and at a rpg game w/ friends . i laid on the couch, allan then says fer me to lay my head on my lap.... now 2 wksn b4 he did that to me..laid his head on my lap.... it was wonderfully sweet and so great to do in public! so i nervously said ok and laid on his lap, then fell asleep. it was so confortable.... and wonderful to do that in public.... i clda kissed him... if it werent fer the fact we are secretly dating....
why do i feel he's trying his best to give me and emily and him what we all need/want. hes giving me the pda of cuddling,etc in public.... but keeping what he and emily want which is secretcy about poly for now. and altho i think its great..... it still..well it erks me... cus i want ti all. iwant to have a boyfriend. but al least he's trying. he said a long time ago he's do whatever it took to make this work...and he has. and so has emily. but, as much as i want to....i feel so very ...unhappy. i want nmore, and its not fair of me to ask them to come out fer mnysake. cus if they do that b4 they r ready...its disaster! cus thats huge! and also, a lot of prejudice, etc to endure..just fer me. unh-unh! nothappenoing! they can come out when they r ready...but back to me... how long? i dunno how much longer i can hold on....
i want more
i love him so very much, and he lves me. and he really is the best thing ti happen to me in so long....god i am so very bessed to have him,,, but the realtionshp...leaves a lot to be desired. and i didnt know it tilla few mths ago.... i wanted more. i wans satisfied w/ being a freind outside and more inside.. but now... i want more...

am i being selfish?
secret lives,
lies and love
all messed up
together but apart
my heart seeks you out.
i am alone,
but in love
the pain of lonliness drives deepest
when u are around.
i have you only a short while
secret lives
lies and love
its all so very messed up.

i honestly feel guilty about asking him to make plans to include me for christmas.....he told me to reserve a spot for him for this christmas and every one to come.... so sweet. i honeslty know despite what anyone else may think, his intentions are good. he loves me, and i know he must want more too. he's said he does, hes ready to come out... but when will he and emily be ready for me to come to them? u know, will thyey evr be ready for me to move in for example. cus thats what i eventually want. not now tho. i know now is too soon ....for them both. but i wldnmt be objectional if it were to happen now...
fuck, this is so fucked up. i know i'm in love, cus if i werent..i'dve walked away along time ago.
i love me a lot that man... that allan.
despite feeling so messed up, it also feels so right. i make him happy. and he makes me happy....i feel a connection w/ him....and i pray it lasts.....
i really do want forver w/ u allan...polyamoury style of course :) i dont want u to myself, i aint liek ur last girlfiend... no. i want polyamoury at its best....i jst dunno if i can wait.
i am so very lonely. cus i want more... and i cant have it. not yet.

je t'aime
xoxoxo
take care handsum
i'll be waiting..for as long as i can. beleive me when i say..u r the best thing to happen to me in a long time and i love u w/ all my heart now and forever more. i want a lifetime w/ u, poly style :)

Scared shittless.... but all better now

one sentance sums it up... pregnancy scare. but its all better now. see i missed my period in nov, and desdpite allan being fixed there is always that slim to slight possibility soooooo.... monday i bought a test
positive
waitied... cldnt wait the one week as recomended...
bought another test today
negative
as of 400pm it was one positive and one negative... at 500... i got my epriod.
so there in yer face folks. u CAN get false positives!
but just in case, i got one left i'll take it after my period....lol
yeah so i told allan tonight what happned.... he was extremly calm. said he wasnt going n e wheres and u know if i wld have been pregant he'dve been there, it was a blessing... the whole 9 yards.... i cant say unexpected, cus i nvr expected him to run off or say he'd run offf.... but i was pelasantly reasured.
dont get me wrong, aint wanting no kids.... not now
but still... good to know he's here if it happned... u know
ok so the guy just went upa few notches again....
but fiuck.. i hate my period... cldnt it have cuma lil earlier..then i wldnt nvr bee scared like this
yeash!
folks rembere, even with vesectomy's... the ony 100% effective contrceptive.... is to elininate all means od posssible conceprion.. in other words... NO SEX!
i still feel very sick....
and nervous
and scared...
but leat i know i aint preganct... and allan will be there no matter what!
i felt horrible for having to go thru this alone, and allan did too... told me i slda called him monday.... then i'dve had him there..
but, i was so scared.... i wasnt thinign right.. that and well, when u read my previous blogs....
anyways...
i still feel the same way tho bout relationship.... frustrated.... lonely, and at times unhappy...
but.....
least i aint pregnant.
nd i love the guy
and i want to ty to be strong... cus i love him... and i want a life with him..
just yeash... i dont want to step up the relationship sofar as to gte pregnant!
yeash! scary!!!!!
anyways... i gtg, gonna try to sleep tonight... fyi.... thank you birthright.. u were an ear to talk to.... non judgmental, ven when i explained polyamoury!
u ever need talk sum1 if u think u r preganant... birthright are the ones to call. they operate outaa united states AND canada! so very anonymous too!

well i'm outta here.....
i have never been so happy to be negative about sumthing! lol

Babysitting, possibilities, and thoughts...

Yeah, so i just got back frombabysitting my godson,Gabriel. Poor kid, His mom ( my best friend since 11 yrs old) left him and her husband last month for another man.... Gabriel i think is havign ahrd time adjsting. The kid lacks communications skills...comprehension skills are there... but specch wise... he has less vocabulary then allan and emilys' 2 yrs old... and gabriel is 5. anyways, i just got back frombabysitting.... the kid had yet anther nightmare, and mommy dearest forgot to call him yet again. kid's got dark circles and bags under his eyes and now has been having bad nightmares....
makes me wanna punch out his mother....and i will be chatting with his daddy dearest and saying poiint blank, kids showing signs he aint dealing well... please get hima councillor if u want to avoid long term damage!
anyways.... got to thinking while i was out....see his daddy dearest, bill, took me out sunday night to his works' christmas party.....man that was weird. I flat out asked him, said "man, is this a date.... or am i going with u as a friend so u dont go stag" his reply was "i didnt want to go alone and i thgt u wld lieka night out having fun".... so i assume the stag thing... but even tho, it got me to thinking.
see sunday night i got allan to drive me and bill and the lot of us to bills party. on the way out of the car, when i went to hug allan goodbye, i had to dodge a kiss at the last second cus we both forgot where we were and almost kissed goodbye. got me to thinking, how even the lil things like a goodbye peck on the lips to your significant other, can be taken for granted.....and erks me that i have to hide that urge and those feelings in public. i used to be fine with doinf that, but now that i love the guy and have that urge to step thingsup in the relationship, well it bothers me now to have to hide our relationship in public. but anyways, that got me thinking.... and i found myself doing it again tonight.
now let me make this clear...... i dont want a family...least not now. i eman i did, with frank. till i got royally burned by that guy and as such now i just... i cant see myself having a family with any guy after what happned with frank....
so going on..
tonight i am at Bill, viv'd and gabriel's p[lace babysitting gabriel.... and i get to making the kids supper, cuddling with him on sofa and putting him to bed.. and te thought passes thru "wow, wouldnt a family life liek this be great." then another thought " you'll never have this as long as you are with allan...."
ouch
i mean allan has said that POSSIBLY MAYBE IF EVER I WANTED TO START A FAMILY MAYBE POSSIBLY JUST MAYBE HE MIGHT POSSIBLY MAYBE maybe maybe.... reverse his vesictimy and CONSIDER another kid in time maybe possibly...
which tell me... he is incredibly sweet for even considering reversing ffor me if ever i wanted a family... but tell me, the guy is thru.. i mean come on... guys dont get vesectimys for fun...e specially if they have to pay to get it reversed and even then no gtees they cld have kids...
so yeah... i'll nvr have that, is a valid point.
then when bill came home we are ont eh sofa eating mcdonalds (heheh, my babysitting fee was a chicken wrap and a muffin...hey for the right folks i am a cheap sittter...) anyways... and i got to thinking how nice it was just to be sittign there after he got home from work and chatting adn watching tv and eating together....
and another thought pops in
"its going to be a long time b4 u have that with allan"
dammit! ouch! stupid thoughts, quit it!
but tru... i mean..... even once emily and allan finally decide its time to step out into the light and tell the world that they are polyamourous..... its still gonna be a while b4 they finally decide thwey want a blended family, IF thats what they BOTH want....
i just, i know i am venting bout the same thing... and both my freidn in the world of online blogging and my best friend on the other side of the country both say the same... i deserve better....
i just... i want more.... and i dont have it
so anyways.. i am done yowling and am off to bed... alone.... u know if i were dating anyother guy right now i'd probably be curled up beside him watching tv ot snuggle dup in bed... but no....he's home and i'm here.... alone with my cats....
well theres a plus... fat cat wont ever break my heart, heloves me for me and purrs when i come home ans snuggles me everynight in bed on the sofa , and loves to be around me....
course, i cant kiss fat cat... nor do i... thata one relationhip i am happy to keep as is...lol. fat cat and me, are destined to be companions...lol nuttin more
gtg now... doen whining... maybe sum day i'll actually get up and DO sumthing.... i just dont know what.... and done say dump him... cus i lvoe the guy... i love allan.... i already tried breakign up with him....i cant get that stregnth to do that again.....
fuck, why do i d this to myself... do i enjoy fucked up relarionships or sumthing????
hopenot...
tata for now....

BTW my dearest blogger friend told me so..warned me early on bout this saying i deserved better.... and has said again recently.... i hate admitting when i am wrong... and i desperatly want allan to proove my friends wrog ont his one... but fuck! i am souhappy right now...pleae guys be patient witn me... no matter what i do with my life... be patiennt, be there, and love me...cus i need my friends right now...

big questions+haunted feelings=long winded post

First, I would just like to say I had one main fear at the beginning of my polyamourous relationship, one i blogged about quite frequently...at the beginning. I wa sa fear that this would all end bacause Emily would ask us to end it.
It a common fear, i'm told. Emily said one of her Boyfriends ,Bob (who lived ina neighbouring city), thought for weeks that Allen would come at him witha 2x4 for seeing his wife. welll, ok so his fear was his life would end cus of the relationship...lol. my fear was my relationship would end .... but same idea. both of us were scared of our polyamourous's significant other puttin an end to the relationship.
so, i eventually got over this fear. i mean it was always at theback of my mind. and nobody except those who read this blog knew of it. This blog wa sa way for me to get those fears out and as such to deal with them.
months wendt by...
months turned into a year.... and depsite the absolutly an hellish summer we had i thought a firm and wonderful relationship and that I never had to worry about being told to end things or feeling i had to end things because it was what emily wanted.
Oh, in case u r not up to date here was the "hellish" summer/fall... lets see we'll start with

me : my dad 's marriageof 18yrs was still falling apart and he was deciding to try to go overseas w/ the military and brought up fears of him attempting suicide again, my relationship with Allan was getting harder to deal with as all the hiding and lies and secretivness were having a huge toll on my heart and life especialy when i wanted things to go up a step or 2 in our relaionship and had no idea how that wld ever work, and then there was in june the panic attacks and the being put off work for 3 months due to panaic attacks and stress and then there was the stressors in allan and emily's lives as the man i loved and my bestfriend had to deal with deaths of loved ones .... afterall, what effects them effects me... especially if it is sumthign allan goes thru....
Allan: his Nana, the woman who (as he puts it) "taught him all about love" passed away after a SUCESSFUL hip replacement surgury. One of his friends, Victor, commits suicide. Allans aunt dies under "strange" circumstances. then another old friend and old roomate also passes away in the fall. Emily starts to push for "open" relationships vs polyamourous realtionships despite being told it was unaccaptable. du to stress and other things allan and emily's relationship suffers, then combine my stressors and emilys stressors (will get into details below) = one fucked up summer/fall.
Emily: not only does she have several deaths of people who are dear to her which happen in the corse of 3 mths (Allan's Nana, her friend Victor, and her Aunt in law) but she also loses a co worker to cancer unexpantantly, then combine my stressors, and allans's stressors, and combine her feelings of being neglected in her relationship add a secret relationship /online affair with a married man which happens behind allan's back then which gets found out in the fall... welll.... that also equals one fucked up summer/fall!
so now that i have that down...... i had delat with the fear of being tolfd to take a hike from allan , a long time ago. but when the problems with allan and emily came up well... emily met with me and our other dear freind who knows about the polyamoury one sunday night. allan went away ona business trip. emily told us what had happned. that she had an online affair and allen found pout and tht the trust between them had completly been broken. she proceeded to tell me that she an allan had been having intimacy problems and clouldnt undertand how he and i cld be intimate but not her and him. she told me it was painful to her, that thought of him and i being intimate and making love when he wasnt intimate or maaking love with her....so told me why she did what she had done, and just how bad she thought things wer then ... brought up... the rule.
ther are a few rules allan and emily set up b4 embarking on polyamoury. one of which was if ever the relationship beween allan and emily suffered that all othe relationships had to be put on hold till theirs was fixed.
in essance a good rule. one i agreed with in essance. afterall when it was introduced when i had only just been starting to se allan.
big problem tho.... this rule didnt take into account the fact that the "other" relationships may be at sume point serious, and long term too. so how is it fair to end one long term realtionship just cus the other was longer and having probems? how i ti fair to cus off one love for the sake of another thus breakign hearts.
me, being selfless and at times self inflicting of pain..... when i heard emily say this...that she clouldnt undertsand why allaan wasnt keeping his promise to her that if they ever had problems he'd end things in his other relationahips... she cldnt undertsand why he handt ended him and me for her an his sakes.
ouch.
i knew that this was happening, i hd told allan a few times b4 when i felt things getting bad between him and emily ( cus she had voiced her concerns a few times abotu them) we cld end it between us so he an emily cld fixt their relationship... and each time he said the same thing, its not fair to me, its not my place to end it with him and me for him and her, and that it was nt fair, and all was fine. but when i heard emily say these things again and watch her cry i flat out decided to end it. for their sake
allan was still away when i spilled the beans to emily one night... she was going on and on about allan and i or sumthing and how good i had it and was getting bitter and i cant remeber what she said but i cldnt hold back anymore and i said "well if u knew what i was going to do for u and allan whe he got back then u wldnt say that to me!"
she then frooze in her tracks and asked if i was breaking up with allan. when i replied yes.... SHE ASKED ME NOT TO! this had come up b4 and she had asked me not to break up with him btw....
i still tried. and allan wldnt let me. sayign again it wasnt fair to end our long term realtionship which was going fine just because of him and emily's relationship which wasnt going fine.
i agree with now.
i thought emily was fine. afterall she had asked me not to break up, and i wasnt going to.
a few days later..... when allan and emily were in a councilling session, emily demanded allan end things with me.
worst fear....
happens.
allen and emily fight and after a while allan says he wld like to offer a comprimise, no sex between him and i for 30 days but that he'dlike to s/w me first. emily agrees.
when said comprimise is brought up to me after a huge fight between me allan and emily (btw)
i tell allan...
no.
its all or nothing.
i realised after trying to break things off with allan, after goign thru that agaony, the heart break, the talk afterwards..... that after 1 yr i had a relationship. i wasnt just dating allan. and i loved him. if this were at the beginning, a few mths in i had no problems with a "comprimise"
cus afterall, we did slow things down at the beginnign for that reason... as emily was having a hard time adjusting to meand allan , we slowed it down.
but now... no.
i got my backbone and said u know what... i am thru sacrificing and hurting myself for the sake of others..... what was fair about puttoig ANY aspect of my relationship on hold, or even ending it.
so i said to allen....".no." and then "now what? cus the only reason emily didnt still demand we end it was cus of his comprimise. and now that i said no... what now?"
cus i mean it....
as much as i love alen.... i have very little of a relationship as it is. i am unwillign to scarifice even a little bit of what i do have....
so yeah... my worst fear... has come tru. and i am having a hard tiem dealign with it. cus i feel hurt. emily told me it was ok, asked me to stay with allen, then days later demands we break up....
i am scared again. and angry. and bitter.
i am also, in limbo. i told allan, b4 he menationed the comprimise and b4 the big fight that i dont know where our relationship is going. i am tired of hiding, but i dont want them to come out just for me.... i just wanted to let them know that i donno how much longer i can do this for.....i told them both that in our talks. i mean i have been dating allan for a yr now, i love him, and if this were any other relationship, even with kids.... i;d be talkigbaout moving in together, taking it up a few notches.... but with polyamoury, hows that work? well thast aoerks when all parties want a blended family, as far as i knew eventually we all wanted a blanded family, right? or do we? i knwo i do, i knwo allan does, and i know emily... did. des she now? and if she does, when? how much longer am i to be the grlfrend on the side. the worman he see for a cpl hrs on thursdays and a cpl hours on sundays.....
how much longer do i have to fear beign founfd out. how much longer do i have to hide? i love this man, i'd liekt o tell my family. i'd like to hold his hand in public, i;d liek to go out ona date woth being worried sum1 will see us.
i used to be happy with us just being freinds in public and lovers/ bf-gf in private..... but not now. now i want more.... and i dont see how i ever will have more? and even with the promise of more,ie eventually a belended family, i dont see how much longer i can hide. i am so alone. and i am unhapy! i am so fucking unhappy in this relationship now because of all this fucking hiding and it breaks my heart! and i know it bothers allen too, and i knwo he is tired of hiding, and i knw he wants to come out.... but even when he eventually comes out, how and when will i fit in? i still want more? i still will want to move things up a notch and i cant.... cus he has another life, and before my relationship with him can go up to the nxt level which for me is intergrating our lives, moving in together etc..... we need to wait till emily AND ALAN are ready...and how long will that be when she has said she wanted allan and i to end our relationship till hers and allns was fixed....
how? when?
i cant wait forever, i thought i could..... i thought i cld be happy with what i had.... and not want moe... but i want more. i long for it. i want to be a part of allens life. not beside it. and he says that i am not, but i am on the side. i live on my own. and i dont want that. i want to have the hunny i'm home, i want the watching tv together, i want the mundane life stuff tohgether, i want the suppers together, i want rhe budget panning, i want the grocery shopping together, the laundry together, the cleaning the home, the cuddles at night, the waking uo in the morning and trying to get him outta bed, i want a life with allen. and i by no means whatsoever want things to end with him and emily... what i want is that blended family..... her and him with their kids and me under the same roof.....i want to be together......
and after she demanded it end... well how do i know 5 yrs down the rd she wont demand it end again?
how do i know when she will be ready to come out? and even when she is ready to come out... when will they both be ready to have me as a part of their family under the same roof?
i am not asking to move in..... i just.... i want moire.....maybe i am askign to move in.... i dunno...i just know i am so unhappy with what little i have now.... i want more.....and i dont think what i am asking for is unreasonable...its what any relationship has...intergrated lives. taking it up from dating to a relationship to a commitied long term relationship....
and am haunted by the words i said to my best friend...
"why do i do this to myself"
and her reply
"maybe because u dont think u deserve better?"
and another friend tellign me
"dont settle for second best."
and i am hauted by the feeling lately that with being the girlfriend ont eh side, with the lack of the ability to take things upa notch.... that i have settled for secodne best, and that thought kills me insode. cus i dont think allan is secodne best to anything or anyone.....and i know he doenst see me as second best or #2. but the relationship....the relationship..... is it seocnde best?
and i know allan doesnt love me any less then emily...... there is no # and #2.... but still....

oh allen..... je t'aime. but i dont know how much longer i can wait or how much stronger i can be....

todays theme songs

I Want To Believe Lyrics by Sass Jordan

When will I die
When will I marry
Why do I cry for nothing sometimes
Why do I feel like I'm in a hurry
Feels like a race and I'm out of time
Like a lover turning into a friend
Somewhere a heart is getting broken again
How does the whole thing end?
I want to believe in something for real
I want to believe in something I feel
I want to believe it's all that I need
I want to believe
Who will be king and who will be begger?
When will I have this mystery solved?
Who said a ring could mean love forever
Nothin's for sure except growing old
Will I always be here spinning my wheels
Or does misforturne have a hand in the deal
Is that how my fate is sealed?
I want to believe love has a chance to survive
The dream to be as one
I want to believe in a nurturing love
And not just a sacrifice
Where is my home and where am I going?
When will I know and how will I know?
I had a lover who turned into a friend
I had a heart but it got broken again
And I don't know if it ever will mend
Is this how the whole thing ends

feist: secret heart

Secret heart
What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That You're dying to reveal
Go tell him how you feel

Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell him how you feel
This very secret heart

Go out and share it
This very secret heart

Ok....so, tell me this... why the hell after 114 mths of being separated would it matter to me that Frank has seen 3 women since we have separated? why do i feel hurt and so... disposable? honestly? what is the point? why?
here wassup. i talked witha good friend of mine Mae's daughter, Sarah. Sarah has stayed friends with Frank...moreso with him them me. She kinda hurt my feelings by saying to me "hope you arent doing this for a mam" one time and i just decided to let frank stay with them as froends and i wld back off...anyways.... sarah and i are starting to hang again. so, sarh tells me that frank was going to move several hours away to live out of his van, for a woman. she convinced him otherwise. thankgod!
then he talks about this gal he wa stalkign to online.... things didnt pan out there... and then there is new woaman. new woman comes with pre made family, 3 kids and an ex spouse with whom she has a peace bond against..( we dont have retraining orders up here, we have peace bonds)
yeah... so i cld care less.. tis just.... it hurts for sum reason. i mean i left him. I wold nvr get back with him...
I am not in love with him
but i do still care about him. and u know what, it took me a yr to finally leave him and right till the bitter end i was still truying to fall back in love with him and i was trying to make things work and iwas trying to stay.... but i had to go cus i was miserable and he wasnt trying and eventually u realise for u own sanity and happiness its time to go...especially when dugs, and porn and disgusting child rape fantasies and neglect and lack of intimacy are involed...
still. the fact that only after a few mths , he just picked right up and dated another woman..makes me feel soo... disposable. like, i spent a yr trying to get the nerve to leave and he spent a cpl mths getting over me? i spent a yr tryin to gte over him b4 i left
he spent a cpl mths
i yr...vs...2 mths maybe 3....
wtf????!!!!
an i that disposable. am i that, i dont want to say it... am i that much of a forgetable tossed away bit of trash!?
really... i feel so... hurt. and i dont knwo why....
i am glad he has moved on really., i mean now if he finds out aboyt allen and i i wont b scared. and now i am not afriad to bump into him, cus i know he wont try totake me back cus he has moved on...b ut then.....why does ot hurt so?????
argh!
i dont love him
i'd nvr go back. and i am over him. but ho come he took such a short time getting over me????? i feel so disposable right now....
i just want to be alone... iw ant to deal with these feelings, and i know allan wantsto be there for me... cus last night i pushed him away and he came by anuwaus god bless him... but i just, i feel so rotten and i done know why....

14 mtsh later....
i yr b4 that getting the nerve to go
it was 14 mths total b4 i started dating sum1 fromt eh time i decided to go to the tiome i left to the time i dated allan....
and 3 mths for him....

todays lyrics

To Viv, YOU'LL WANT TO ASK FORGIVNESS SUMDAY... I'll be proactive. I forgive you now. but that dont mean U can come right back where we left off.... trust is earned. I dont say what u did was right.... but i refuse to let bitterness and hurt control me so i forgive you...

Lindsey Haun, Toby Keith - Broken Bridges Lyrics
There are bridges on life's highway
But we never see them there.
Some cross troubled waters
Some don't go nowhere.
Some you wouldn't step on,
If you were trying to save your soul.
One comes with a keeper
When it's time to pay the toll.
Some aren't meant to last forever
Some are made of stone.
Some are meant to cross together,
Some you go alone.
Some the slightest wind can send them,
Crashing to the ground.
I set a bridge on fire,
But I could not burn it down.

[Chorus]
Now here I am(ooohh)
Prayin for forgiveness
And I can see you(And I can see you)
Standing on the other side(oohh)
Here I go (Here I go)
And Baby it's a heavy load (It's a heavy load)
I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(Broken bridges in my time)

Now here I am (Now here I am)
Prayin for forgiveness (Prayin for forgiveness)
And I can see you (oh I can see you)
Standing on the other side
(Standing on the other side)
Here I go (Now, here I go)
And Buddy it's a heavy load (Baby it's a heavy load)
But I have crossed some broken bridges in my time
(crossed some broken bridges in my time)
Yes, I have crossed some broken bridges in my time.


RAY CHARLES- hIT THE ROAD JACK
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

Woah Woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean,
You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen.
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my things and go. (That's right)

(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

Now baby, listen baby, don't ya treat me this-a way
Cause I'll be back on my feet some day.
(Don't care if you do 'cause it's understood)
(you ain't got no money you just ain't no good.)
Well, I guess if you say so
I'd have to pack my things and go. (That's right)

(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more.)

you must me joking?
(don't you come back no more.)
what you trying to do to me?
(don't you come back no more.)
I didn't understand you
(don't you come back no more.)
You can't mean that
(don't you come back no more.)
Oh, now baby, please
(don't you come back no more.)
What you tryin' to do to me?
(don't you come back no more.)
Oh, don't treat me like that
(don't you come back no more.)
ACDC- HIWAY TO HELL
Living easy, living free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
Taking everything in my stride
Don't need reason, don't need rhyme
Ain't nothing I would rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too

I'm on the highway to hell

No stop signs, speed limit
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody's gonna mess me round
Hey Satan, payed my dues
Playing in a rocking band
Hey Momma, look at me
I'm on my way to the promised land

I'm on the highway to hell
(Don't stop me)

And I'm going down, all the way down
I'm on the highway to hell

Insert Celine Dion Title here-->All By Myself

I dunno who she is anymore, But she isnt my best friend Vivian anymore. That girl, had an affair with a boy in the military (21 yrs old) for 3 mths. Dated him on and off 2 times a week for the past 3 mth behind her husband pauls back. she got caught last week, wednesday. called me cus Paul threw her out. spent wed and thurs in a hotel and moved from "making out" to full out "consomation" of the relationship with young army boy...we shall name him.... Billy.
I own a small one bed apt, with cardboard thin walls. I wa sin an accident and therefore wantedf the bed, and gave her the couch. despite not knowing Bill the Boy froma hole in the ground, despite this being the man she is leaving Paul and her 5 yr old Gabriel for.... I allowed him to stay overnight. I assumed that being a respectable person and the size of said apt and given the uncomfortable nature of the situation that i didnt have to say..."please dont have sex while i am in the next room.... so yeah ..... U know what they say about assuming....makes and ass out of u and me.
They had sex on my couch... my bedroom door wide open cus i let the cats come in and out of my room and if i close the door Fatcat will whine to be let in.
I woke up to muffled sounds which i hoped were her whimpering cus of a nightmare...and walked in on them when i went to turn the tv down and go to my bathroom... yeah...
so I laid down a ground rule. No sex with him in my house and he cant stay overnight...
But it was thanksgiving weekend so i let him stay sat night and told her he had to go back to the army shacks sun night. I spent thanksging weekend trying to get to know her new man billy. really really really hard! I mean, he was being so nice it was hard not to like the guy... except for the fact he knowingly engaed a relationship with a woman he knew was married and was not in an open marriage.... i still tried to know him!
She then pushed for him to be able to stay again.... she asked if he cld stay the nxt weekend, her on the bed with me and him on the couch. I told her i wld think on it. next day i said no. I was not comfortable with him overnight period. I also asked him not to be there when i wasnt in the apt.
i mean c'mon i dunno the guy at all. and i tried to get know him... we spent thanksgiving weekend together. I wasnt even planning on havinf thanksgiving... on a side note...
whata delicious sense of irony God has. last year my thanksgiving was cxld because of a cheating wife. My stepmother had an affair and my dad cxld thanksgiving. this yr I had thanksgiving because of a cheating wife. Vivian had and affair and as such spent the wknd with me cus she had no other place to go.
back to the situation.
so yeah.... i spent the night with emily and allen and martha for a babalon 5 marathon. I left my phone as always with vivian .... i only own a cell phone. so yeah, she had my phone and my keys to my apt all week....saturday afternoon i called her to get my phone. when i called her i said ...this is word for word , emily was htere. I did not say it in a joking tone....
"when I am not there i do not want Billy the Boy In my apt."
that wa sit. she said ok. i got my phone and left it at that.
about 1 hr ago i paid an unexpected visit home. I wanted to make sure the cats still had food cus i dont expect Vivian to care for my cats. she has been cleaning... i will give her that.
anyways... iwalk in with emily and emily's 2 girls adn what do i find.... a sleeping vivian on my sofa with... u guess it BILLY THR BOY!!!! SHE ACTED LIKE NOTHING WAS WRONG.!!!!!!!
so i said..... "viv, i will call u later but i told u her was not to be here when i wasnt here." then i looked at him and said " no offense man, but i dont know u and this si my apt."
so i dropped off the food and went back to emily's. I went to her basement and i screamed w/ my mouth covered by my hand!
I then called viv. "howe long were u alseep?" "20 min" "ok, io asked u not to have him there when i wasnt there. U r gone. get ur stuff together and be gone by the time i am home tonight. i will be late" "ok , i will have another place tonight" she said coldly.
i had better not find anything amiss in my apt.... they had better not have made any noise.... and they had better not hurt my cats ot do anything to my place.....
I just feel so hurt and betrayed.... i mean nothing comapred to paul's hurt....but i just...
i dunno this girls. she is not my best friend vivian. and i hope this younger adultering boy is worth all the bridgges she is burning...
she plans to leave her gabriel behind.... moving sevreal days drive away to be with, u guessed it... billy the boy.
so yeah...
and as for billy the boy... he is trying too hard to be nice. and wonders why everybody is so biast. i dunno, maybe cus u knew she was married made the fisrt move on her and then pursued it further... not that she aint to blame too... and paul hold sum blame too.. but billy... boy did u ever fuck up! U chose to get involved witha married woman....u knew it wqasnt open. u hid the relationship... and yeah... i have a harrid feeling u will leave her hi and dry sumtime....
i dunno..
Vivian, i love you..... but sweety.... you broke my heart, and my trust..... Goodbye my friend. Good luck with your new life. I dunno who you are.

Can i get the liscense plate of that truck that hit me... no wait, it was a Volkwagon jetta...

Um yeah.... firstthings first. Wednesday morning at 845am i was on my way to work. I live in a town that likes to call itself a city and i have to drive along a fairly busy street to get to work. as It is morning rush hour (if u can call it that!) i bike w/ my nice red 40th anniversary schwinn bicycle on the sidewalk as i deem it safer. theres nio bike lane and not enuff room at the side of the street and well i have been seen a great many times by cops who have never said anything. a tad illegal yes, but its one of the few streets the cops wont tiket you for biking on the sidewalks...
so Wednesday miorning i am on my side walkand going down a hill. i pass a jogger and was just about to go past the entrance way to a parking lot when outta nowhere this lil black volkwagon jetta pulls in. I have no time to stop completly. I must have pulled the breaks a lil bit tho, but i'll tell u why in a moment.
so in pulls the jetta and my front tire collides with his fron passenger side door. I dont remeber what happned next, I know i got up fro the ground and all i cld think was "OMG i scratched his car" followed by the thought "OMG i'm going to be late for work" cus well. i had to work at 9am and my workplace was quite letterally w/in viewing distance, a 2 min bike ride. i rmeber being asked if i was ok. i stood up picked up my bike. i rmeber the chain was off and the guard for that chain was severly bent and the handle bars were twisted almost all the way around. I rmeber askign the driver if he cld fix a bike chain, he said no. got in his car and drove into a parking spot. ther was a girl on the porch of the building who told me she saw it all and it was his fault. she even herd him say he saw the jogger adn not me. at thatpoiint i figure least the guy can do is drive me to work. " so as he was heading in i asked him. he said "where is is?" hindsight 20-20 had i not be raised a polite girl, i would have said "does it matter" but even in a state of shock polite girl i was and did not say that i simply answered "its over there"
so i went inside the blg first and i rmeber telling the front desk clrk that i had a wipe out and cld i store my bike there. then i rmeber going to work and blurting out to the fisrt person i saw " iwas just in an accident"
now at this point i felt absolutly no pain. but i know my heart was going amile a minute and several times i was told to slow down my speech.
i rmeebr looking for a supervisor. i rmeber talling him several times what happened. i refused an ambulance cus i said i felt fine, i was just shook up. i rember askign to a drive back to the place where my bike was so i cld get the lisense plate of the guy who hit meand trade info.
by then my arm started to hurt. i rmeber calling allen. he was at work. i rmeber him telling me to slow dow. i rmeber him telling me to go home and rest. i rmeber calling emily. i rmeber he saying dso u wat me to pick u up to which i said yes. by tis time i went to my surpervisor and told her i wanted to go home. she told me i needed to file a poice report cus technically the guy hit me and ran as he nvr called the cops nor an ambulance nor gave me his info. cus well, iw as obviously in shock ansd shld get chkd out.. so i called the cops and they said theyd meet in 15 min at my friends place.
i then went home to my friends place. cop came by i told him what happend about 4 or 5 ties i think cus i was blubbering on.
then he left. I got no tiket cus well he understood that street and why i was on sidewalk and it was a no fault accident. i shld not been on street. he shld have looked for me and most importantly he didnt call the cops.
afte that emily told allen i wa sstaying w/ her for the day as she told me later she told him i was "a lot shook up"
my arm started really hurting but i thought i shld ewait till that night and see the emrg if needed. i didnt want to spend 6-8hrs in emrg if not needed.
allen later admitted to me he woould have been alot more worried had i hurt myself more. the only thing keeping him not too worried is that fact i walked away.
so that night iw as going to go home but needed a new helmut so alen agreed to shop with me before he donated blood. i then admitted i needed to see a dr. so he donated blood and i teied to donate blood but when the nurse heard what happened to me she got the head nurse who said a) after this mornings trauma not a good idea to give blood, and b) because of my heart and heart surgury i can NEVER give blood....
SO AFTER THAT WE WENT TO EMERG. WA SIN AND OUT W/IN 1 HOUR! funny about that, when is ay i am coing in froma moter vehicle accident whereby i was on my bicycle... they tend to put u on a higher triage lvl. lol
saw the dr, took xrays and said i was fine just soft tissue give it a few days of ibeprofen and cold then hot therapy and sld be ok. i went back to emrg the nxt day as i walked to work and then sat down at my desk and felt pain..pure pain, all thru my back and shoulder and neck and arm. i cld not sit!
work demanded a dr's note....my bitch of a supervior struck again! i kept my mouth shut but i alsmot said " excuse me, im lucky to be walking around, i hit a fucking car on my bicycle and you want a damn drs note cus i need another day off cus i cant fucking sit down w/out pain!!!"
so yeah i went to emrg , this time seen w/in 2 hrs ( again remarkable considering it is usually a 6-8 hr wait on avaerage. yeah, we have a slight shortage of drs in out hospitals) and this time the dr told me she was gingin me thurs and fri off and asked if i had to work the wknd or holiday and i said no. she said by tuesday i shld feel well enuff to sit down and work, but i wldnt beable to to do any pilates andy tiem doon. lol. she also said that my bosy was just basically letting me know how angry it was with me and that it was just soft tissue... no bruising, no sprains no broken bones, juust give it rest and ibeprofens and cold therapy for a cpl days then hot therapy and i wld be fine.
my father was thw one who drove me to the hosp so he was the one who dropped off the drs not excusing me for thurs and fri.... he insisted on walking on. so heres my 50 yrold father (lol just dated myself didnt i? i u can now really guess how old i am), in military uniforn and says "this drs note is for dragon lady (obviosuly he calls her by her real name, i just prefer dragon lady) it is from my daughter who just got out of the hospital again. tell dragon lady this excuses her for today and tommorow and tell dragon lady ...thank you." the thank you was said as dad put it "not in a friendly tone"
dad also gave me a desciption of my supervisor and asked f that was here. when i said yes he smiled. she must have been at the front desk when dad gave them my note.
oh dad was po'ed. technically i only need to get a drs note for 3 days missed ina row. this was 2. and also i was in a mva (other vehicle accident) w/ me ona bike and walked away. wrok shld have insited on an ambulance. afterall, they are free. medicare covers them. not work, provincial medicare covers it. but they didnt.
so dad was a tad po'ed at the odasity they had to ask for a note.
so yeah, allen sayd i had a near death experience. a close call. I agree. Mae must have been watching out for me in heaven. And i must be on the Big Guys good side this week! Thank God i made it off ok and my bike did too.
Oh, below is a pic of what my bike USED TO LOOK LIKE. AS SUM SCRATES ON BOTH SIDES AND U'LL GET WHAT MY BIKE LOOKS LIKE NOW. AS ALLEN SAYS...." its earned it stripes" lol
oh an btw....
allen WOULD NOT let me break up with him. neither wld emily. i ca honestly say thats a first.... i break up w/ sum1 and they and then later their other partner say "no, i dont think so"
allen sai he loves me too much and that he is "not frank. i wont let u get away that easily. ilove you too much"
he says that it is an ultimate show of love from me to want to sacrifice me and him so that he and emily cld work on their problems. he wasnt mad at all. quite the contray he found it amusing and also found it incridible sweet and said he loved me all the more for being willing to do that for him and emily. but that both of them agree, it shldnt end.
lol
so yeah, i'm still dating allen despite a long conversation in which i tried repeatly to end it and he wld say no.
he said if there was aproblem w/ him and me, then yes of course, or if i gave him a reason other then "its for u and emily" then yes...b ut that no i want going to break upwith him just cus he an emily hit a very very very ruff patch.
emily later admitted to em she over anylise and over exagerated and that no it wasnt as painful as she made it out to be that allen and i were intimate and she wants and that things were not as bad as she made them outto be. so yeah... she even asked me not to do it but i told her i had to. afterwards she asked me not to do it again and i said ok.
so yeah... i have an indestrucatble boyfriend right now.... he will not let me destory our relationship.
i am caught betweeen saying sweet handsum man and you rotten bastard you!lol
anyways... yours truly has a new look on life and yet another thing to be thankfull for this thanksgiveing long weekend!
1)for my life
2) for allen and mines raltionship.
take care ya'll
and remeber ALWAYS WEAR HELMUTS!!!!! mine saved my brains!

yeash i sure know how to get an extra long wknd off the hard way dont i? nxt yr, i think i'll just book the time off instead of getting involved ina amter vehicle accident! and btw i'm joking, i didnt PLAN on hitting the damn car. i was aiming for the jogger. no, still joking. LOL

no talk= frustrated gal and i feel a broken heart allready

allen didnt come home as planned. emily called me bawling her eyes out on the phone. kids are acting up cus they miss their dad and were expecting him, this morning. now he wont be back till tommoorow morning....
and i havent had a chance to talk
emily now knows why i needed to talk. she said "u arent breaking up w/ him are you? cus he wont be able to handle that' and i was so tired i let it slip "well no, i'll be asking us to take a break. then i can still be his friend, u guys work on you and i'll be his friend...and maybe later date again"
i feel sick.
very sick
and i wish he'd hurry home so ic an get this overwith....and so emily cld have allen home and feel bttr and work ont heir relationship.
I am so po'ed....he actually emails her at like noon or so and asked if he cld stay longer... when he was already supposed to be home! He prob fell asleep and woke up late....he actually expected her to drop off the rental car this morning.... sure thing good lookin....if she did that she'd be w/out the car for a day and has 2 kids! its different when he's only a phone call away, but 14hrs away.... no. so not only are the kids acting up cus he's not home today as promised, not only is emily upset cus she was so happy last night he'd be home in the morning, but on top of that i have to wait to talk annnnnd they have to pay an extra day for the rental car!
so here i am sitting the kids while emily mopes upstairs in bed..poor thing. and i suspect allen wanted to stay and extra day to try and de-stress sum more and to try and talk sum more to his friend who introduced polyamoury to them and to spend time w/ friends long since seen.....
i dunno. i just know i feel sick...
and tired...
and stressed...
and depressed....
and frustrated..
and sad.....
and just plain stupid!
hurry home allen....hurry home so i can get this dun and overwith....hurry home so u and emily can start working on you relationship....
hurry home
we all miss you
we all love you
i will still miss you, even when u are home....i feel my heart breaking allready
please dont blame emily allen... this is my idea....
she wants us to stay together.....i want u to fix u 2 b4 we 2 can continue.... i think u'll fight my decison... but its what is right....

on the lighter side

I found out the answer today to a question that has plagued me ever since i was fisrt taght about puberrty...
today i found out....
Pube hairs can go gray
I have my first gray hair today... and its a pube.......weird? lol. thanks mom, thanks dad... i always kew i'd go grey b4 i was 30. i just thought it'd be my head hair not my pubes...lol
oh well.. the head hairsd are next,, i prob have a few already they r just hidden by the dye :) lol

I can't beleive I'm going to do it....

Emily and allan have hit a terrible point in their relationship. This summer has been too much.... allan and emily lost a friend to suicde one month, the next month they lost allens grandmother who he was really close to (to a hip replacement) then after that i started taking panic attacks and then after that they lost allens aunt to sum unknown virus or sumthing ( put her in a coma and killed her) and then on top of that emily lost a co worker to cancer ( 2 wks.... fnd out then she died)
all that stress put a wedge between them and the stress was so much. allen started leaning on me more and more and emeil felt he leaned on her less and less. and he felt she leaned on him less and less. emily felt alone. eventullayy she became depserate for companionship in polyamoury and broke a previosuly discussed thing and well... went after and open relationship (sex &no love ) with a married man whose wife didnt know. then hid it from allen.twice allen found out cus he snooped in chat logs twice. so well... 2 trsusts broken ( hers being the greater) and well.... now they need marriage councilling. she barely talks to him. he doesnt know what to think. she feels guilt ridden.
and they have lost trust in each other..... so
u ask how do i fit in...
I dont
I always told myself if they relationship faltered i'd step back if their relationship was in dire straights. always put emeily and allen first.
I knew things were getting bad. said to allen a few times in the last mth or so that i wld back off if needed... he alwsy had the same reply " I love you for offering sweetness but its not fair to you,. its not your place to have to do that"
now its to the point where they arent intimate w/ each other... yet allen and i are. and that hurts emily. and allen doesnt know why he is that ways w/ me and not her. and on top of that what hurts emily hurts me....
she is my friend.
so come saturday i've asked for a heart to heart with allen. I'll break things off with him. either until he and emily are ok and if still want to pursue poly or.... permanatly.

God ,
i love him.
So much.
this breaks my heart....
why does this kind of decision
always fall on me?
i have to be strong.
i have to be responsible
i haveto think of others
i come second.
when, will i be first?

i am frustrated, broken hearted and well..... depressed. I love him. with all my heart, i really do want forever with him..... i want to be a part of a blended family. i want to love him, and i dont care if he love others.... i truly truly love him....
and i know both he and wolfie say the same thing... u dont need love.... but i... well... i disagree. love is about needing. u can of course go on, u can have happiness w/out love. but our hearts were made to love. made to love our God and made to love sum 1 else, a kindred spirit. a sopulmate. and when u dont have that lovei dont care who u are u have sum part that incomplete. think about it. Nuns love god and become "brides of jesus" the devote and love him only... they need to love him. they cld leave and live happy lives but sum part wl always want to love him, jesus.
well on a smaller scae not only do we all need to love out own God... we need to love our soulmate.
i dunno.... i make no sense... sorry..
i just beleive part of living loveto its fullest is finding and embracing love with another person
u can be happy w/out it but we still need it... nomatter how happy we are....

i will go on, i will be happy
but i will always feel a certain part of me got left behind when i end things with allen....

we'll see how i feel this wknd....

AH YES, SEDATIVES AND ANTI ANXIETY PILLSS OH JOY AND HAPPINESS

well, I'm about to return to work after having been off now since june 19th.. i return sept 22nd... 3 mths of no owrking.... so i'm trying to look on the bright side and consider it a paid summer vacation.....but i went stir crazy. small town, no car, and 60%pay......and oh did i ention i cocooned severly and spent my while summer off... pretty much holed up in my cardboard box of an apt... yeah...oh well its better then no town, no transportation at all, no pay, and not apartment :)
yeah so consider me insane, all medded up an shit. light stuff tho. puts me out like a light so as per doc's orders taking half the orig dose and a lot less often. i lost 3 days on that stuff when i was taking the orig dosage for the first few days off work.... srlsy. i slept for 3 days straight practically....
now the meds arent so effecvtive for sleeping... sumtimes they work other times they dont. they do help when i am in the midst of a panic attack tho....
so now 1 week and i will be back to work... and i'm hating it. i hate my job but w/ n college.... and small town... well call centre jobs are about it for me.
for now
I'm should look for a new job, but me and change... we dont work so well and on top of that the pay and benifits and hours are top notch...its the job i hate.... the stupid team manager.... the stats pushing.... the ppl yealling at me....if i were in billing and not collections maybe i'd be happier.... but because of my damn team manager and a cpl of bad stupid stats... i'm fucked. hey i've got it where it counts... i am scoring an average of %98 this yr on my call recordings that were scored.... and trust me thata bog deal... cus most of those calls scored were at 100%. i've got the call handle time down extrremly low.... 2-3 min for a call... i just have a lot of time in between calls where i spend too much time not taking calls cus i'm calling customers back, filing out stuff or going to get my teas or water ot bathroom breaks...lol. that one stat elused me... oh that and getting on the phones in tiem from break...lol. i'll nvr have that oe. sorry its my failing point... i'll be at work to do my job.. i'll be early, i'll stay late... but i nvr take breaks on time... sumtimes i forget to takew them, other times i take them after i am scheduled cus i've forgotten, other times i'll take them and i'll log back on the phones a cpl minutes late....aint gonna get fixed,,, cus of that i'm noyt call centre material...
i wish i cld go back to my old job.... taking phone calls for hotels and reserving rooms for custoers..... i kicked ass at that! i only lost the job cus i got sick.... my heart was failing e and i missed waaaay too much time off work.....
anyways..cant go back... so i am trapped in this damn job...too cared to leave..too stressed to be happy....
speaking of happy....
it's been 1 yr for allan and me. our official anniversary is sept 24th..or was ot 25.... thats one reason i'll nvr get angry at my men for forgettign an aniversary.... as long as they get the aproximate date i;m ok... cus i do the same thing..mix up dates by one day or so off...
man...one year....
and still secret...
fuck i hate that....
i dunno how myhead stays sane. and there are times i hate my heart for falling in love w/ yet another difficult relationship. My friend in bc seems to think its cus i dont think i deserve any better.... who knows. al i know is my heart is happiest with allan. my heart loves allan...
but....i am only so strong... and i grow weary of hiding...
its beena yr.... one year.... and no one inmy family knows him... basic things liek holding hans in pucblic...or even havig my facebook sttus say "i miss my man" can't be dun... cus as far a sthe world is concerned. i have no boyfriend...
but fuck...i lovehim... and i'll punish myself by hding in the dark about my love for as long as i can cus i love him....
u realise how fucked up that is???? a secret boyfriend....
fuck.
but i love him... and the heart does not ask why...it just feels....
allan is wonderful.... he is handsum, sexy, has one of the kindest hearts i know.... he loves me quirks and all... doesnt want me to chang and actually does his best to uplift me and holf me up .... he leans on me for support. he actually talks to me, we have intimacy. he looks to me for ewmotional support. he needs me. and i need him. his smile melts me everytime. his intellect amazes me...he seems to know a lil bit of everything...like what vincent van gogh was on whenh he hacked off his ear supposedly... and stuff lke that. lol. he not so good at math, but he's an awesome actor. my god one night we went to this party where we had to dress like mobsters/mafia folk and we got characters we had to act out.... omg u shld have seen him! WHAT TALENT!!!!!! his voce, his demeanor.... everythig... i mean i fancied myself a damn good actress. won an award or two. was told i was a damn good actress and at that same party had the head of the party ask me if i was in charater or or if i was actually fighting w/ sum1... ok.... but alan... made my acting skills look like the worst acting job ever!
wow.
i lovehis talent. lol.
i think he so very considerate of others and thir feeling. he ddint know Vincent's sister from a hole in the ground except from vincents funeral..and he has been ther helping her along thru her grief.... found her councilling, talked to her..... wow. thats a man i love.....
he's so intelligent, he can do stuff w/ computers i can only dream of! he knows all the gadgets in my pc and can fix them too!
he actually came to my show the other night ... my church choir was singing ina local festival and he came to see me.....lol. when i almost quit, he all but begged me to stay on and sing... lol.
i love him.....
and its been a yr....
and i pray for another yr and many more...
speaking of which.. i have to go.... i've made him a website....which i need to maintain... i hope he likes it....
full of poetry and muic and stories... and stuff .... lol. i've been working on it for a few weeks now....
i will reveal t to him on our date night... the day b4 or the day of our anniversary :)
oh, and btw.. hes gone for 2 days on a work course.. and my god do i miss him! sundays nightsdare one of our nights together and not having him here to cuddle up to, to talk to... to hold... toplay with . to make lve to, well dammit... it heart wrenching... i mis him sooooooo much... now i know i have it bad... 6 mths away from frank when iw as married and i'd feel like this.... 2 days away fromallan and i'm feeling liek that ...
lol
oh dear.... walks with wolves has been struck down by cupid in the hardest of ways.... nt just one of his arrows hit me.. i thionk a whole lotta arrows hit this gal..lol.

Panic attacks, Confusion, and Dumbass Dads

Lets start this off lightly..... I'm off work. for a wee, utili see my family dr, he may put me off longer. Yeah well I kinda had enuff and took 2 panic attacks in one week. so now i'm on the way to finding a councillor and on sum good LGHT meds (as no offense i dont need to be strung out all the time) until further notice. oh yeah it was not perdy, outta the blue took heart attack syptoms, i having just gottena clean bill of health 3 wks ago knew it was no heart attack and simply did not want to go to hospital. however HR lady at work called 9aaand rather then incur the wrath of hr lady as well as the wrath of all the gals in my section of the cubicales i work in... i went along. sat in emerge for 10 hrs cus depite coming in an ambulance w/ chestpains and a history of cardiac problems i GOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT. YEAH, SUMHOW TRANSFERING MY INFO FROM ONE TO ANOTHER PC GOT MIXED UP AND WELL 10 HRS LATER THEY FOUND ME ONLY TO TELL ME THAT THE PHYCH NURSE ON DUTY HAD CONE HOMEA AND THATS WHEN I TOOK ANOTHER MINI PANIC ATTACK AND WAS PROMPTLY RUSHED TO THE QUIET ROOM ALLAN AND MARTH IN TOW. yeah, both ofthem stayed w/ me the whole night and were ready to teara strip off the emerg room staff for forgettign bout me. they didnt even do an ecg to make sure it wasnt my heart, which i told them it wasnt but i'm not a dr thats besides the poiint. anyways, the emrg dr when he came ina bout 10 min later wa snot impressed i was forgottena bout and hadnt had any ecg or anythign either.... he said i had classic panic attack perscribed sum light shit and tld me to see my family dr asap and to fina a councillor and be back nxt morning to see spsych nurcse and psycologist. psych nurch was nice, talked for a bit then in came psycholodsit bitch who was basically said she had btr things to do was a mistake for me to come here i listened to what she said about meds and left. i'll brb, i need to take a pill.... warning signes of panic attack coming on... brb. ok i'm back, my chest tightended and my arm hurt and well thats how it starts so i too a pill relaxed a bit and am ok, now where was i.....
so yeah back to some of the reasons behind panic attack.... #1 lets just say as much as I support our Boys in afganistan , and as much as I love my Dad's patriotism.... Dumbass Dad who isnot young as he used to be Is trying to get to afganistan. He has a heart condition, which automatically nixxes any chnace of him going... which suffice to say makes this Lil Daddies Girls quite happy to know he's doing his patriotic duty behind a desk or fixing choppers here at home...where its safer (not safe, just safer) . Dumbass Daddy dearest however (who takes all day to mow the lawn cus his heart is that weak) is challenging the decion and has decided to find a dr who will sign paper and allo him to do sumthing call a battle readiness test. involves packbacking w/ heavy loads, trench building.... worse then the 20k fun run (which btw whomever put the words 20k run and fun in th same sentence was on crack) anyways back on topic. so if he manages to find an even dumberass dr to sign papers, and he will this is dad... stuburn and gets his way EVERY time, then well if afagnistan wont kill him the damn battle readiness test will. and this is why i have dubbed him recently dumbass dad. what the fuck is he thinking. so thats reason # 1 for stress. I will be talking to him this week, allan has promised to tag along, and i shall make my opinions known. he hasnt even told the rest o the family yet... great dad, give me another secret from them. yeah when he first found about his heart condition he asked me not to tell.... thanks dad
stresser#2. dragon lady team manager at work. shes a stats pusher. I perfor well undertsress but this lady is a dragon, nothings ever good enuff, push puch push. so of corse i'm stressed at work. hell i work collections, that aint a stress free job as it is being yelled and screamed at becaus i've cut ppl's utilities off and wont turn the on till they pay! so yeah, stresser #2.
stresser#3. my divorce. I still dont have enuff money saved to finalise it......
stresser#4 allans nan died and just b4 that, a friend of his commited sucied. so when he's in pain, i'm in pain.
and stresser #5. my secret relationship. its has gotten to the pint where i am so worried about sum1 seeing sumthing, i am so fed up w/ hisind, i am so worked up about not having a boyfrend in pblic i've made my self sick. which i promise i'd nvr do again, yet here we are! i told allan and he said were were going to talk, he emily and me. i cant promise we're coming out but at leat they'll know one of my major stresses. i mean comeon i love the man and itsa fucking secret! i cant hold his hand in public. i cant say i love u in public. almost no one knows about us. i havemy best friends wedding to go to and i may not be able to dance w/ him cus if theres anyone we know then we will be going as friends not gf and bf. anytime we're out on a date i have to lay off the lovey dovey and put on the this ismy best friend face is we run into ppl.... i hate looking over my shpulder all the time. and its stressing me and i wasnt more. i WANT MORE. i just, i wasnt.....i want boyfriend and not sum closetboyfriend secretly kept from event my closest friends.
so yeah...panic aatcks... you bet. so were dealing w/ these stressors one by one..... but dont get me wrong, it aint gonna be easy. especially if allan and emily eventually come out, the predudice and the scrutny andal that shit will probaly send me to another panic attack.... but whatever.... i'm gtting to the point i simply just dont care anymore.....

well i got to go. going to see dr son, gottamake sure i'm all gussied up for the dr.

NIGHT HOWLS

You know, its fitting i hould meet sum1 whose name is wolf.... fitting i should walk along the same path as him.... all my life I've felt so alone. There were times i could hear the wolf howl so distinct in my mind... a long mournful howl. so lonely and lost... wolfs are not solitary creratures u know... very social. its all about the pack... i've never had that. I've always felt so alone...lost... and alone.
I suppose that is why i also conncted so wellwith my favourite movie of all time... the last unicorn. She too, is told she is the last of her kind. and must go ona quest to find herself, others like her, and save herself and her kindred.
Dont mind me, i'm just ina mood.
perhaps its the lack of sleep
perhaps its work stuff bubbling up (haha, dragon lady- aka supervisor- is driving me nuts again)
or perhaps its life in general...
i dunno.
I havent told a soul this.... on april 18th, after a particularly bad bout at work w/ dragon lady in particular the straw broke the camels back. i called my friends, told allan and emily that i needed them to convince me not to go to the liquor store to buy a huge thing of booze and get plastered alone in my cardboard box of an apartment.
I was so down.... i hadnt slept the night b4, maybe a cpl hours tops. that fri night emily and allan took me to their place. they both went to bed b4 me. i drank w/ them till they were off to bed then i drank alone for a few more drinks. i could not sleep.... i watched dawn aproach... and contemplated...death.
honestly thought about how i'd do it. had it all planned out, had the goodbye letters written in my head. one for allen, one for every1 else.
when i eventually realsied what i was doing i focused on what i like to call my "snap the hel outta it" mode.
i focused on #1) suicide is self murder. murder is wrong. only god takesd life.
#2) u'd break allans heart (or at least, i like to think i would)
#3) its a cowards way out.
#4) it causes more problems for those u love
#5) u'd hurt those u love. friends family etc.
#6) its stupid
#7) whats in god's name is so shitty its worth dieong over... look at what the fuck u've been thru.... is it worse then that... no? then dont do it!
theni focus on sumthing else or try to sleep... in this case insomnis wld not allow me to sleep so...i counted trees.
yup. i counted trees. till allan came downstairs... i was never so happy to see him.... snapped me completly outta the stupidity i was feeling. see if sumthing were to happen to allen and I... ihave many ohter reasons not
to... he's just hi up there is all cus other then God, he's up ther...

it scares me. see insonia brings on weird thoughts sumtimes... and i've contemplated suicide b4. but nvr had it planned to the point of what i'd write to whom....
and it wasnt work.. its everything...
its the dreams that died w/ my marriage. its the lonliness i feel, its the hiding my relationship, its my dad, its my friends who are suffering, its my feeling lost, its my family who i have never felt a part of, its work, its my dream of being a social worker dieing alone w/ my marrige, its the fact i feel so very tired and i cant stop cus in the end i have to be strong i have to do it alone cus every1 else in my life has either left me or died, its my friends who have died or are dieing....
none of which are reasons to kill myself... but all reaons i contempleted it...
but none of which to actually do it...
I took a course, partly for me, but also to help others... on sucicide warning signs and how to talk about suicide.... the leaders words sounded pleading as she said
"if u are thinking of suicide..... choose to tell sum1 today" "tell sum1" "make the choice to tell"
obver and over agin, i heard it... and i knew i needed to tell sum1. writinf it is not enuff
i'm worried who ever i tell will think im doing it just for attenstion or worse yet will throw me in the phycho ward of the hospital (yeah that were they put the suicidals.... great way to boost self esteems, piut em along schizos liek my lil sis and the like... ok) anyways....
i dunno who to tell....
i havent thoguth of it since... but still.. mayeb i shld tell....
i dunno... i kinda am just in one of thos emoods'anyways if i dont blog for a while its only cus ive been too tired from work and from life... not cus i killed myself ok?

see you all around...