IF I APOLIGISED

i love this song.... i have since i first heard it a cpl yrs ago. it is the endtitle song to Mirrormask....
the line "we could be the perfect couple, but only in my mind" that line always stuck a cord with me.... and so did the line "it wouldnt make it all unhappen, wouldnt make to darkness go away"

IF I APOLIGIZED
FR: THE MOVIE MIRRORMASK (END CREDITS)

If I apologised
it wouldn't make it all unhappen
wouldn't make the darkness go away
If I apologised
it wouldn't mean I was forgiven
wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay

But
it's a dream
when you seem
to be walking into the sun
we're on first
unrehearsed
and we still don't know what we've done
so we don't say anything.

If I apologised
I don't suppose you'd even notice
even though I'd whisper it inside
If I apologised
we could be the perfect couple
Well we could, but only in my mind

but
if you ask
for the mask
then we're stumbling on through the dark
But we wait
it's too late
And we only had to be asked
so we don't say anything.

It couldn't hurt to try it
It couldn't hurt too much to try
It's there beyond the quiet
it couldn't hurt too much to fly...

happy shit

ok so 2 posts down from here is the sad Christmas blog entry... followed by one of my weird poetry pieces, and now is the happy entry... cus i need to to that kinda entry once in a while....
Allan and Emily
are amazing friends....
when i told emily my plans for Christmas she asked "how do allan and i and the kids fit into your holiday plans" and invited me over Christmas eve and Christmas morning. when she found out on dec 19th about my father and how upset i was, she asked if i wanted to stay a few days .... which turned into the week... and never said boo about it.
her and the kids went out of their way to make me feel at "home". cleaned up the toy room (best i've seen it since move in a yr ago!) and that was so they had room to put a mattress on the floor so i could have a place to sleep.
Christmas eve i went to church for service alone. not going to talk about that, cus it aint happy and i already blogged it out 2 posts ago.
when ic am back from church, there was Jamaican priced rum and egg nog available. i made my EXTRAORDINARY(LY FATTENING BUT DELICIOUS) CHEESE DIP.... cheese and bacon spice, lemon dilly spice, 3 oinuion spice, cheddar chesse, mozza cheese, parmason cheese, with a cream cheese and mayo base. AND per Emily's request, i found an artichoke dip recipe. artichokes hearts, blended, paramazon cheese, sour cream and mayo base, and made another batch with sum garlic and herbs spice for flavouring.
i have to say, for my first time making any of those dips, they turned out very nicely!
we wrapped our gifts while watching the 1950's version of the christmas carol. all the while emily was tee heeing (too much spiced egg nog? lol. or christmas delights, not sure LOL)
the 1950's version is the best version to watch..... i love it almost as much as Muppet christmas carol.
after wrapping, i went downstairs to sleep....by a warm fire stove!
reminded me so much of my teenage Christmases with my step dad's family back home. Grandmaman's place was heated by a wood fire stove... i loved that smell. thanks to allan's dad for supplying the wood. man, it was so wonderful to fall asleep listening to the fire cracking.
christmas mornign i woke up to allan's alarm goign off... he was the first one awake. i waitewd to hear the kids get up....
nothing.
LOL, forst time i've ever been ina house of kids that didnt get up at the crack of dawn on christmas morning! LOL
8am grand parents show up, i get ressed and kids hop outta bed.
we unwrap stockings ...
AND I HAVE ONE TOO! emily surprised me on dec 23rd by tellign me i also had a stocking :-)
so i made sure on christmas eve to put in my contidbution to the stockings. the kids each got snowballs candy ( kinda like whoppers, but witha hard white candy coating). and as for each us adults... i had travel size alcoholic beverages and liqueur chocolates (santa is an alcoholic?)
allan got me a terry pratchet book (small gods) and emily made sure to stuff it with lindt chocolate (one of my favourites!!)
allan cooked breakfast while we were into our stockings :-)
he made bacon, eggs annnnnd MAMOSAS! ( orange juice, with champagne) YUMMY!!! allan's mom said the bacon was onyl half cooked, little does she know...it was fully cooked, she just likes hers too crispy :-) LOL
after breakfast we unwrapped gifts.
i got Alan a copy of the princess bride novel, Coraline graphic novel, and Coraline movie and a copy of the childrens book "where the wild things are" to read to his girls.
i got Emily the new star trek movie, a few pretty christmas tree ornaments, and a digital photo ornament (about half full of christmas photos i loaded onto it for her)
i got their son a copy of the remade novel version of "where the wild things are"
i got the girls a Pokemon movie, Pokemon cards, and a copy of santa buddies movie.
i got allans dad a little bottle of whiskey and a gift card for a coffee shop he likes.
i got allans mom a stained glass angel ornament. she collects angels.
allan got me the best gift ever.... SHE-RA!! i have been looking for she-ra boxed set for yrs now! he found me season 1 vol1 and season 2 vol 2.... thats all 65 episodes from season 1!!! thats 12 dvds altogether! TEE HEE HEE HEE!!! i think i have my she-ra fix now LOL
emily got me a awesome gift too. THE JIM HENSON FANTASY COLLECTION! has mirrormask, dark crystal, and labyrinth. i've been looking for that set now for 2 yrs, but whenever i found it, i never had the money to get it!
i made off like a bandit
after allthe gifts were unwrapped we went to allan's parents place for more gifts!
allan's mom got me a beaiful necklace and earing set, a cute santa ornament, and a soft throw blanket.
i loved watchignt he kids open all their gifts. allan and emily's son was so funny! he did lil happy dances to his gifts!
after that, we all went off to allan's aunts place for turkey dinner (at 1pm LOL!) OMG that was an amazing diner. the white meat was so moist! there was potato stuffing AND bread stuffing!!! AND THE DESSERTS... cheese cakes, chocolate pie, coconut cream pie, bannan cream pie, lemon pie..... whoah! soooo delicious!!
allan's aunt was so very sweet to let me cone by for dinner! after dinner it was back to allan and emily's place for movie and a nap....EVERYBODY napped LOL.
then at 6pm dad pciked me up and we went to my place. ust dad and me. he left at 730.
at 930 allana nd emily picked me up at 930 and we all went to see SHERLOCK HOLMES !!! that was an awesum movie!! allan and emily disagreed, thought it was ok... i loved it! only thing i didnt like was i wished they would have had more of professor moriarty .
after the nmovie i got dropped off at home...it was 1230am, dec 26th.... christmas was over.
another year, come and gone.....
this year, was made special, thanks to emily, allan, and allan's family.
my own family may not accept me.... but at least i have friends who love me and are there for me, when i need them the most....
here's to hopping that next yea ri am either vacations sumplace cool with dad....or have a boyfriend LOL.
Merry Christmas everybody

my poetry for today and theme song

this was inspired by my feelings today, and by 2 movies...

run run little white rabbit
towards the rabbit hole.
time is running out.
and you are late.
you'll find no wonderland
no place to hide.
only a looking glass
with heaven
unattainable
on the otherside.



oh and i know i've had this song on here a cpl times...but here's today's theme song...
SILENT HILL: I WANT LOVE
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
All right, let's do this

One, two, three

I want a cup that overflows with love
Although it's not enough to fill my heart
I want a barrel full of love
Although I know it's not enough to fill my heart

I want a river full of love
But then I know the holes will still remain
I need an ocean full of love
Although I know the holes will still remain

And this Swiss-cheese heart knows
Only kindness can fill its holes
And love can dry my tears
As pain disappears

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now

Fill up my heart with love
Oh, you'd be amazed at how little I need from him
to feel complete here and now
Stirring within me
are these feelings I can't ignore
I need a miracle and that's what I'm hoping for

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
Oh, baby

Anybody's love but his
will never fill this space within me

Now doctor,
give me what I need to free my heart from misery

Christmas without Dad... Dad, wtf?????

I have been down.... but Emily and Allan have been amazing. i've spent the whole week at their place
heres the background... i was planing on going tomy mother's family for xmas. wanted to talk to family in aug-sept about it. found out was being laid off in aug sumthime in november. didnt save for trip, didnt plan it cua i figured it would be hard to get tiem off for christmas ata new job.
found out mid november, i got to keep my job. even tho i still had a job, everybody had made their plans, and well.... i had no money sooo that mean so xmas here. my step dad invited me out to his place. even offered to fly me up from oms to his place...mom cld just pay the taxes.... but stuff rom mom alwasy comes wqith strings, and we dont get along, and besides christmas here would not too bad, cus i have my dad here. for sake of spending time with him this yr (ashe will be overseas next xmas) i decided to bear my step mom (u know that story) if i could not find a flight to moms and a place to stay with sum other family then i would stay here for the holidays and see if my dad would get my grandmother( his mom) for xmas day (like last yr)
so even tho i had an offer to see my step dad, i had no way to get up to him...cus he said he'd fly me from moms to his palce.... i had no way up to mom's place... so hey, xmas with dad sounded better and better, especially since he was travellign away and wldnt be here nxt xmas....
found out dad is still fighting with grams. no talking to her at all. and he didnt want to see or talk or visit or anything WITH HER on xmas and when i probed about xmas, to trya nd plan out that day i got the distinct impression he was hinting that i wouldnt be wlecome by my step mom and that i wouldnt be able to go to xmas dinner
so in talking to emily she decided to invite me to her place for xmas eve and morning if dad didnt invite me over to his place.
so december 19th, i go shopping with dad. i ask him.
first he says that he figured i'd be uncomfortable with step mom and her family cus he knows he is. so i said
"well, wouldnt that be a better reason for me to come. then u have me and mmy lil sister there"
he says "well, i asked about you and well... nobody said anything "
(keep in mind, this wld be the first yr i've asked, since i was 12. i always got the impression i was not invited... and step mom and i never got along... they spend christmas at step mom's parents btw, with step moms family...about 20 ppl altogether....)
so i said "well dad i'd like to come to dinner and be with you on christmas day"
he said "it is not my place to invite you to your step moms parents place"
i let it drop...
i'm his daughter, why the hell could i not go...they are my step family.... my half sister can go..
anyways....
so i called emily and allan..... i was not happy. i was crying so hard i was wailing.... poor allan answered the phone.... i feel bad he heard me go thru that crying... but he asked emily and they said no problem i'd spend christmas eve and christmas morning with themnd emily even asked me if i wanted to spend my vacation time at their place.
dad wad supposed to pick me up and take me to his place for lunch and gift exchange...then drop me off at my place when they go to step mom's 's parents palce... for dinner.... i said i was going to see sherlock holmes christmas day...it was my cover, and a way to keep me busy....
yeah....
allan and emily have already asked their aunt (where they have dinner), she said i am welcome to come there for dinner...if my dad flaked out and cxld lunch plans (cus step moms parents have dinner at 6pm, emailya nd allans aunt has dinner at lunch time)
my co worker Velma, invited me to her place to dinner....in case i didnt have aplace to go.
and even MY MASSAGE THERAPIST and fast becoming friend invited me to her place for Christmas if i didnt have aplace to go...

iwas really hurt...and depressed... and really fighting off sum very...very...very...bad thoughts... because of this stuff dad pulled.....
when your friends are more loving and accepting then your own family...
when you have to spend chrsitmas with friends because you a re an outcast for no good reason...
it just hurts....
what hurts most is..
dad didnt even fight for me... he just rolled over and said "its not my place to invite you"....
he should have said
"you're my daughter... and if i can go with your step mom and your half sister, and your step siblings, then of course you can come. they will just have to deal...."
instead i got "its not my place to invite you"
not your place to invite your daughter????!!! to christmas!!!! why the hell not!"
as you can tell, i am starting to go thru the angry stage...
first came shock...
shortly followed by despair....and depression.... now by anger...
hence the reason i am staying the week... i really do not want to be alone....not till after christmas....
having bad thoughts....

i thought that the last cpl years were hard....
2yrs ago i spent xmas eve and day with grams thanks to emily and allan driving me down on t heir way out for holidays.
last yr dad picked up grams (after she chnged her mind on xmas eve and i begged dad to convince her to come up xmas day) and we spent xmas at emily and allans cus my grams and my step mom dont get along and i was datign allan so of course it made sense.
and
this year...
i had no way to grams....coudlnt plan on seeing grams cus she living in middle of nowheres and chnges her mind at drop of a hat....and her and dad arent even talking...
and dad and step mom wont have me
and i do not have a boyfreind (now, i'm on an online dating site..... we shall see... it is all local folks)
and of course i had no way to mom's even if i wanted to (me and mom dont get along, but i'dve gone... cus i am trying to mend things)

i mean....
i just...
i dont get it
i know the answer to this...but i keep asking....
what is so wrong with me....that my own parents turn me away?
seriously.... cus thats how i feel....
anyways, last night i went to christmas ever service...alone... and cried during the whole first half of the service..... a couple of my freinds at church saw me and walked by giving me a knowing pat on the shoulder....
i prayed..... begging god...to please send me sumbody to sit with me and spend time during service...or at ;east have sumbody come by me and give me a huge hug and tell me i am loved...
i litterally begged god....
anyways

oh and then today... guess what....
see on december 19th, dad told me to call int he mornign when i was ready to get picked up.... 10 or 11m or so...
i called and...
dad says he'll pick me up after lunch....
at 1pm
so i say, well we talked about 10 or 11am and allan and emily are going out to lunch for 1pm....
so allan says i shld go to his aunts and dad can pick me up at 2pm....
sounded great. meant i got to spend idealy a few hours b4 dinner....
oh and btw, my baby brother, got marred this year. so i was planning on meeting him and his new wifey :-)
then dad calls back... says they are heading to dinner at 4pm to step moms parentes
AND CAN THEY PICK ME UP AT 3PM.....
one hour.....
one fucking hour
so i told dad.... "listen, why not just pick my up after dinner? then we arent on time line cus i dont have to go to the movies till 1000pm...."
after all... i wanted more then an hour.... on Christmas.... with my dad...
i hung up the phone and i lost it.... started crying again, i was wailing...
i was supposed to spend from 1000 or 11am until about 4pm..... and it got reduced to an hour.... and then i had to ask my dad to reschedule and pencil me in after dinner....
i do not understand it.....
i am his daughter....
why do i have to be pencilled in on Christmas.... all my step siblings were there....
the extended family were there....
why couldnt i join in....

anyways.... dad did drop by at 6pm today.... and he just went to my place....
for an hour....
i didnt even get to see my brother.... i didnt get to spend any tiem with them....
but one hour here at my apt is better then no time at all....
i still do not get it....
allan is royally pisse doff at my dad.
emily is ever understanding and also quite pissed off

dad said he loved me, he was in tears.... says he felt horrid about what happened to day....says he was ina na awkward position. a lose lose situation. that he really loved me and wanted me there but...sue and her family.....
whatever.
no wonder my other sister does not talk to him any longer. no wodner she cut him out of her life.
i've thoguht bout it.
but, i want to be loved. and well...
i really shouwl mend things with dad...
and yes even with my mom...mom will take longer tho.... i eman...d ad may have been a deadbeat (and in sum ways still is)
but at least he is trying.... and beisdes at least he was not liek mom,...she kicked me out of the house when i was 17, and again when i was 18.... so yeah, things with mom....not so good.
anyways, dad is going away for trainign january third. will be away till june. then leaves in late summer to be deployed overseas...this was our last christmas b4 he leaves.... he kinda realised how much he'd fucked up....
he gave me another wad of cash ( buy my love, hey i wont refuse money... i'm poor!)
so he said that next year, in december, if he doesnt come home...he is going to take me and my half sister (cue my step siblings treat him like crap) to australia... for christmas sumthing we have always wanted to do.... cus he'll have leave at christmas and he has extra money for travelling and danger pay to boot...
or of he does come home... he'dd take my half sister and me to disney world or sumthign big liek that...
i acted excited...a nd said that'd be awesum. hell i'll even make sure i have the money saved for touristy stufff....
but i willbeleive it... when is ee the tikets.... and even then...i wont count on it till it happens....
dad has a habit of saying stuff, promising stuff, or makign comittmernts, then "flaking out" or sumthing on them....
i wont risk geeting my hopes up and having them distroyed
today was hard enuff

how the hell am i supposed to fend off bad thoughts and depression...
when my own family turns me aaway...what is wrong with me that makes me so unlovable...
i just want tpo belong.....
i just want to feel at home....
by those who ,matter most....
my family....
and instead...my freinds love me and accept me more then my own family....
hell my massage therapist and co workers accept me more
wtf?

Very proud of myself....

I.....
didn't.....
have.....
sex.
I swear i havent stopped grinning all day.... i mean, i've had mind blowing sex before and grinned all day outta sheer bliss and joy...this was a different joy. this was a "i can hold my head up high" joy....this was
so cool :)
LOL. despite his will being very limited, despite his attempts to get me to cave, despite his pleading me to let him please me.... yes ladies and gents he works that way he actually take pleasure in pleasing a woman so to his next lady i say this "you are blessed indeed".... anyways despite all this.....
I KEPT MY PANTS ON.
not only that but i didnt even let him "play"

wow.....
i'm still flabergasted.

wow.
i mean last night, i just focused on emily. the whole time he wa trying i am not saying i wasnt "susceptible;e" to his advances, but when i'd almost cave i'd just think of how i felt last week and then thought "if you're that horny Allan, go make love to your emily. cus we arent dating, the problems that were there havent been fixed, and now more problems have resulted because of my lack of will power so....go make love to emily.not me."
damn it felt so good to be bale to say no....
he told me his will power was waining, and i just whispered "then i'll be strong enuff for the both of us"
and i was....
can i get a
WHOOOT WHOOOT
BOOO FUCKING RA
AND A
HOLY SHIT GIRL YOU DID IT!!!!

thank you, thank you very much.
NOW for my next trick, a repeat performance with allan from now on till forever.
right?
well heres to hoping.
one step in the right direction.

life is good.....minus the fact i still madly love allan, but hey.... unrequited love. totally deal able. sexual chemistry, totally dealing with it....

i am my mother's daughter after all.... i became the other woman, just like her

I had stayed home from work, hit rock bottom emotionally. worn out. had a nasty cold all last week, and then over the weekend bottomed out emotionally. monday forced myself to work, couldnt do it today. slept thru 3 alarms... i NEVER sleep thru alarms....
I called allan to tell him enuff was enuff. see, he never told emily hima nd i were having sex again. he never said a thing. kept it from ehre. and i enver really bothered to say a damn thing, part of of ignorance, part out of selfishness, part out of stupidity. i stupidly beleived it was sumthign he would tell her on his own time. i stupidly belaived i didnt need to tell her because what went on between allan and i was private, and didnt need to involve her. i stupidly asked allan to please refrain from goign into details with her.... until we had at least figured things out... because throwing her into the equation made it too confusing, and it as bad enuff.... at least, thats what he says i said. i really dont remeber. but why would he lie about that? still. i mean, i can kinda hear me saying that. i just need a week or two to get sum answers for her is all. i mean when she asks if we are datign again, or do i still love him, or what is this now or where is this going... i'd liek to be able to answer her. i can see me saying please refrain from goign into details... but that doesnt eman i didnt want him to keep he and i secret. i mean. tell her the sex part, and leave ou the rest maybe. i just... i'm so very very confused right now...
this sia ll so fucked up. i really dont remmeber askign him to not tell ehr tho... i can see me saying it..but..i dont remember... and even if i did... why woudl he listen..she has a right o know...doesnt she? hell yeah!
anwyays, its my fault. i set up boundaries, and i shuld have stood more firm. but the firmer i stood, the harder it was to keep my ground and eventually i just didnt wanna fight it anylonger.
not allans fault i cant keep my pants on around him.
anwyas, today is aid enuff wa senuff. no more. this is wrong. no mre. told him i felt liekw e werre having an affair on emeily and i also pointed out...
how is this any diiferent from what she did to him last yr having an affair w/ amarried man whose wife didnt know?
THAT GOT HIM TO UNDERSTAND .
anwyays, hes promised he'll leave those boundaries alone....
ffeinds. no sex.
hard to do... very very hard to do...
so in honour of my pure stupisity thwese last 3 mths.... this is allan and mine's theme song...
BAD ROMANCE
LADY GAGA

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it’s free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh--oh-oooh!)
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

I want your horror
I want your design
‘Cause you’re a criminal
As long as your mine
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love-uuhh)

I want your psycho
Your vertigo stick
Want you in my rear window
Baby you're sick
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)

You know that I want you
('Cause I'm a freak bitch baby!)
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!)
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Caught in a bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk fashion baby
Work it
Move that bitch crazy

Walk, walk passion! baby
Work it
I'm a freak bitch, baby

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don’t wanna be friends

Je veux ton amour
Et je veux ta revanche
Je veux ton amour
I don’t wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I don’t wanna be friends
(Caught in a bad romance)
I don’t wanna be friends
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance!

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)
Want your bad romance

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Want your bad romance
(Caught in a bad romance)

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance

whats is love

QUESTIONS
what is love?
is it the need to be with sumbody?
to please that sumbody?
the need to hold them,
be with them.
the need to share with them
your dreams and desires?
is it that feeling of belonging
while in their arms?
whats is love,
and how do you know
when you've found it?

MY SONG
she feels so alone
and all the world never seemed so cold
the only ones who made her belong
have all come and gone
she yearns toi be loved
but with a heart so broken,
whom can she trust?

firsat time i didnt lie about allan and me

AN ONLINE FACEBOOK CONVERSATION WITH MY DAD :0)

DAD

was that your b-friend

ME:

when?

and who?

LOL

;-)

DAD:

the day i dropped off the sewin mchn

ME:

LOL, kinda figured u meant that night..

lol

no. he's not my boyfriend

tho, it would be nice if he was.... he's cute ;-)

lol

DAD

2 bad i like him,nice guy

LOL, yeah i'm sure different people would get different ideas. anyways i didnt lie. i broke up with allan july 27th 2009. and all along we've been saying we aren't dating...

so no. he's not my boyfriend LOL he is just sum guy i fuck.... sumhow, i highly doubt that. anyways, i didnt lie to dad about allan fer once. we wont dwell on technicalities of what we are doing these last few mths can be classed as dating or not....

conclusion....

I mist enjoy pain...i must enjoyt hurting myself over and over...
it is the only logical explaintioon as to why i would be doing wha i'v ebeen doing.
which is having sex with allan over and over...
which is not getting over allan
which is getting involved ian relationship onyl we arent callign it a relationship we arte just doing th e exact same fucking thing we did b4 i brokw up altho heaven forbid we call it a realtionship...
and now...wow what do u know... 3 mths later i am exactly wher ei was when i first broke up with allan,,,,
i must enjoy hurting myself.....
it is the only logical expalintion...

whiney session

OK,

have you ever watched the last unicorn.... or read the book by peter beagle? that movie describes how i feel lately.....
a lovely unicorn goes on a mission to save the trapped unicorns of the world from the red bull. in order to get close enuff to save them, she is transformed into a human woman. she then meets a handsum prince. falls in love and in doing so gradually forgets she ever was a unicorn or why she was ever there. but she is still a unicorn. deep down. and the red bull knows it. eventually, the red bull chases her down and she is changed back into a unicorn by magic....much to her dismay...
but that is who she is.....altho she loves him...she loves him so very dearly...she is a unicorn... and he is a human... and she cant change herself... to be with him.... it is just wrong...because in doing so, in changing who she is, she will forsake what she really wanted to do in the first place. save the unicorns.
so she eventually saves the other unicorns from the red bull, by being tru to herself the unicorn. see, she could only save the unicorns when she turned back into a unicorn and fought the red bull.
there is a bitter sweet reunion, and and she leaves the prince...
and they both live... broken hearted ever after. because she is unicorn... and he is human... and how could a unicorn ever love a human....
but at least they are themselves....

so heres the question...
which side of me is the unicorn.....
the one that dates allan and is ok with polyamoury and possible never having a full life together under the same roof....
or the one who wants a full life together under the same roof and no more women (except emily)?
cus i knwo who the red bull is.... it is the questioning voice in my head..... it is tyring to seek out the tru me.... but who is the tru me...

oh annnnnnnd....
i'm still fucking allan.
if i werent being so blunt...i'd say iw as still making love with/to allan. 'however..i am trying my damnedest to downplay this and call it fucking..'
cus i am so totally fucked ( in the wrong way) if i am making love with/to Alan... which is what i am doing...
how the hell am i supposed to get over allna...if i dont actually...get over allan...
?????????
i am so pissed a myself...
you wan to know why?
because i was actually getting "comfortable" with how things were with allan and i right now.... that is...there is no allan and i.
there is however meeting up every thursday and sunday ( just like before) to "hang out" and talk, walk, watch movies... be friends.
and also ...
have mad passionate sex.
great.
well the sex is... the breaking my own heart on a regular basis... not so great.
cus it isnt his fault.
seriously it isnt.
i'm a big girl... i know how to say no...
and i know if i dont want t have sex...well i should not start sumthing like i did 2 wks ago.... personally i was just trying to proove a point to myself that it wasnt all just allan's fault....
which it isnt
why am i breaking my own heart over and over you ask...
simply put. yours truly has no distinction between love... and sex. for her... sex is an outward expression of love. i dont have sex with a man (or woman...lol...ok sorry folks...joking...aint never having sex w/ a woman ) that i dont love. i just dont do it... it is the reason i've only ever been with frank... and allan...
so every time i am just casually "forgetting" we have broken up and slip up and have sex...or cuddle with allan...when he leaves...i go thru the breakup the next day... every time.
i mean...i am being completely selfish... i love being with him. i love being in his arms, and i love making love to him....
if i truly loved him tho... i'd stop this and let go. cus as long as i am here... he is going to hurt me WHEN he sees another woman...
i say he wont hurt me..... but trust me.. he will. and it wont be his fault in the least.... cus we arent dating..
and i am not like this cus i need love, or feel lonely...
i am like this for the simple fact... i love allan...
and my stupid heart just doesnt want to let go of another man i love wth all my heart...
my heart, has already felt enuff pain....it doesnt want to feel the pain of losing yet sumody else i love with all my heart....
i know what i need
allan cannot give it to me..
so i need to let go
but i dont want to
cus i love him.. and some part of me hope maybe... we could work this out.... maybe i could be ok with as many women as he wants to be with and maybe i dont need to build a life with him and live under the same roof.... maybe i am just fine with all the compromising and considering emily all the time...
and then i remember.... the unicorn...
you cant change who you are.... you should never change who you are.... even for sumthing as beautiful as....for love.

guess i just figured out which side the unicorn represented......
and when u look at the pic below..... u can see just how loving a unicorn can not work out, if u are human...
theres that heart breaking again...

theme song

allan, says we are freinds. but i dont know if i can ever see him as a friend.... and until i can, i cant date other men. i cant control myself around him. i need to be friends only with allan and then i can see another man. but that hasnt happened yet.
part of me feels like quitting, and begging him to take me back.
then the other part of me speaks and says, bu how happy will you be, settling for less then what i truly want....
and then i think, being alone, would be so much simpler.

Edie Brickell:Circle

lyrics:

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends
on you touching ground with us.
But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else
it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say goodbye.

Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet --
the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are
- that means you and....
I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.

And being alone
is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's
the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's
the best way to be.
When I'm by myself
nobody else can say...

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.

So, I'm still not dating anybody. primarily cus i wanna take time to get over Allan and in getting over Allan get to know Me a lil better.
Just one slight problem.
not over Allan.
still having sex with Allan.
albeit not all the time, it is every other time we meet.
yeah.
i know.
i need a really really good sex toy.
or a new city.
i mean, its gotten so bad, i dont even want to fight it anymore. he comes over and i'm fighting all these urges cus i am still madly deeply passionately in love. i want to hold him, be held. kiss him, be kissed. cuddle him, be cuddled, and make love with him, and fuck him blind.
fucked, fucked fucked up.
and it isn't his fault. i mean sure one weekend i completely blame on him. i was getting ready for bed and he came up behind and helped me take my pants off (yeah, i shlda seen thru it there, i admit it i didnt want to tho....) and he took his fingers and kinda scratched from the small of my back down to the back of my legs as he took my pant off. basically he teased me. knew that drove me wild.
i was so worked up from that, that my lips were quivering while trying to hold back.
and eventually i caved. and we had sex.
again.i have no control around him.
last weekend, my fault. i teased him. and we had sex.

anyways.... i have come to a conclusion....
i need to get over that boy. and fast.
before i hurt him.
and before i hurt me.
again.

todays theme songs

SILENT HILL: I WANT LOVE
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
All right, let's do this

One, two, three

I want a cup that overflows with love
Although it's not enough to fill my heart
I want a barrel full of love
Although I know it's not enough to fill my heart

I want a river full of love
But then I know the holes will still remain
I need an ocean full of love
Although I know the holes will still remain

And this Swiss-cheese heart knows
Only kindness can fill its holes
And love can dry my tears
As pain disappears

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now

Fill up my heart with love
Oh, you'd be amazed at how little I need from him
to feel complete here and now
Stirring within me
are these feelings I can't ignore
I need a miracle and that's what I'm hoping for

I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
One drop of love from him
And my heart's in ecstasy
The high that is sending me
Is most likely ending me
I need a miracle and not someone's charity now
Oh, baby

Anybody's love but his
will never fill this space within me

Now doctor,
give me what I need to free my heart from misery

LILLIX: LOST AND CONFUSED
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:

so many days
ive gone by without a trace
i dont know what to do or to say
to many ways
for you to come and stay
in my mind i've waited for you
but there is one thing that ive forgot to say
dont think im changing for you
never ever
will you hear me say
that i cant make it alone
you just cant change it now
not before we see that it has

gone through the window
out of sight
never again to be seen
lost and confused now
dont know where to go
dont know where to go

i have seen you outside the intercom
what a waste to it all
dont turn away just look around
then youll see that its gone
it bugs me more then words
thats why you cant see that it has

gone through the window
out of sight
never again to be seen
lost and confused now
dont know where to go
dont know where to go

when the time has come for me to say goodbye
ill look upon that moment i wont hide

gone through the window
out of sight
never again to be seen
lost and confused now
dont know where to go
dont know where to go [x2]

dont know where to go...


DEATH ANGEL :CONFUSED
VIDEO HERE:
LYRICS;

Sometimes in the back of my mind
I feel like something struck me blind
Blind to the path
Leading out of the forest
Losing my grip
I slip into the darkness
Searching for a trace of serenity
I find myself dwelling
In my own self pity
Either going up or coming down
Can I be the king
Or must I be the clown

[Chorus]
Let me tell you something about myself
I got problems only I can tell
Please listen to me I don't want to be
Confused anymore

I'll start today just feeling fine
In reality my sanity is on the line
Why can't life flow nice and easy
It's hard when happiness
Is there tease me

Try to find fun for a brief escape
Someone save me before it's too late
Tell me not to listen
To the voices in my head
Balancing factors I could use instead

[Chorus]

Who controls the matter
Of circumstance
Make my move and leave the
Rest up tho chance
Take my hand I'll lead you to a faraway
Place my friend and there
Forever we can say

sex. sex.sex. fucking fucked up sex

had sex with allan again, thursday night..... i cant keep doing this.....if i want to keep my sanity, and my heart....i cant keep doing this. cus i dont just have sex witha guy. ok. i was a virgin when i got married.i mean that doesnt mean i didnt fool around, and every one of my boyfriends loves my blowjobs i gave them, but that besides the point... full blown sexual intercourse was not sumthing i had done until, i got married. foold around, never did the whole deed. so guess what, that makes allan only the second man i've ever had sex with....
for me sex is about more then sex...
otherwise, i'dve had it a long time ago and not held out till marriage....
and the only reason i am having sex with allan now is cus ..
i still love him
the is tearing me up....
i mean i know he can have sex and not think twice. hell he even said outta his selfishness to keep me in his life any way possible he even asked about the whole Friends with benefits. that kinda pissed me off, this he told me why, and thats when i went ok, he's just hurtin too and just wants me in his life any which way ....
but i told him no. said we are not dating. no sex. we need to try our damndest not to have sex. we will always be more then frinds, cus i love him, but we are not lovers....no sex.
i want to just stop this....no sex with allan.
i justw anna scream out at the top of my lungs "allan, if u want to watch me break if u want TO SEE ME TOTALLY BREAK...THEN LET US CONTINUE..."
otherwise, we need to stop....
i cant keep doing this....
i can do friends with benefits, but that doesnt mean i want to....
i mean i told allan that yes, like him i have a selfish side that says, anything is better then nuttin and lets do it, i do, and he said he knew i "had it in me"..... but i told him i didnt want to. and really what i wanted to say was, yeah i have it in me but that doesnt mean it is a side to me i want to indulge...

dammit...i need to stop loving you, and stop having sex with you.... sure this is only the second time we've slipped up....but cant do this again...

i havent slept well since it happened.....
when i woke up the next morning, i was so ashamed of myself..... i felt like garbage...... cus i value myself and respect myself too much to have sex outside a full loving relationship... and Allan and i are thru, so sex with allan, despite my feelings towards him (cus i still love him with all of my heart) it is still outside a relationship.... and i dont regret it, cus i love him..but i am ashamed of myself for doing it.....cus yes i love him so it was sumthing i dont regret but it wasnt sumthing that i should have done if we arent dating....

i doubt anybody Will ever understand me..... i cant have sex for the sake of sex. it goes against my core beliefs, goes against who i am, and it makes me feel so ......ashamed.
i am not the kind of girl who has sex on the fly...... i might let you fool around if i feela strong connection..... and thats a big might...i mean it was a long time b4 frank and i fooled around, weeks actually. and allan was pretty much well, he was .... he wasnt weekes.... ok. i was juust that attracted to him... but we didnt have full blown sex, until i'd developed feelings for him.... and thats how it is with any guy i meeet. i'm not holding out till marriage, cus dunno if i ever will get amrried. but i am holding out for liove..... i'm ok with sex outside marriage now. but it has to be done in love.... not lust....
does that make any sense?
i dont regret sex with allan, cus i love him. but we arent in relationship so i am ashamed of myself cus i feel like by havign sex outside a full loving relationship is accepting less then what i should be accepting. and not to mention, i dont think allan has told emily, as far as she is concerned allan and i a re separated and arent having sex. grabted its only been twice now, but still.....
i need to stop this, cus i am ashamed of myself for having sex with sumbody i am not dating....despite how i feel, which is a i love him...
i wish these feelings would just go away.
they wont tho. everybody i've talked to, any book i've read, all say it takes time...
meanwhile i feel like well... i am yo-yoing...
i cant yo-yo like this....

sumbody, make this all stop....please.....

on the plus side, not getting involved with anybody fer a while....focus on me. and i wanna return to school, wont have time fer the fist while.... and i basically want to get over allan. cue this was incredibley painful breakup...... i mean when i left frank, i had already left frank. i was looking for a way out, depite that fact i gave him one last chance to get help and save our marriage...i had prety much wanted to leave him months b4. that was painful. so when i left him and met allan and started dating allan, i'd been over frank for a long time, almost a yr... despite only just moving out a month b4....
but this time, i am not over the man i love. i still love him. i still want to be with him. but i know i cant be with him. not the way i need to be. and i just cant handle the relationship, it is too much. and i want more then he can give me. so i needed to leave. not for anything that he or emily did wrong but for the simple fact, i need more....and i cant have more with them.....

still i wish this wld all just stop....
it is al so nuts and i hurt so much and i am so fucking confused right now....
part of me wants to just drop allan outta my life.... then there woudl be no sex.....bu i know thats sumthign i cant do. cus i still want to be there for him, i still want to be his freind... i still.....
anwyays....

i wish this would all stop.... its too hard on my heart, and on my head....

thoughts

sumtimes i wonder if people really get me at all...
still miffed about the whole friends with benefits thing... told allan point blank, no sex. boundary drawn. no. period. no. i told him i understand if we make mistake and cross that line bu accident...but if that happens we agree It was a mistake, and move on and do our damnedest not to make that mistake again.... i'm not ok with friend with benefits... but in understand we may slip up, we just cant not make it a regular thing and have to try our best not to do it.... we need to make a conscious decision not to have sex...period....

anyways.... monday going to see a show in a another city with an old high school friend...just one thing. i dunno if it is a date or not? then there was last weekend, i kinda accepted a date ....or did i?, to have a friend over fer a movie...alone.... ok....i know u can have guy friends just both these guys have given off that "i like you more then friend" vibe...u know.... so i plan to subtly ask if these are dates ot not....

and if the are....am i ok with that so soon? cus i'd rahter not rebound with these two sweet guys...u know? rebounds only hurt.... and it wld be a rebound... but i didnt think that it was a date until afterwards i went...wait a sec... what are these guys intentions.....


this is fucked up...

theme song

THIS IS PROB THE MOST DECRIPTIVE SONG OF HOW IF EEL..ONLY THING IS...I WONT CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT MY DECISIONS. WHATS DONE IS DONE....

NATALIE BROWN : CONFUSED
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
V1
I feel a challenge in my soul today
Questioning things I believed in so firmly yesterday
How can I have faith in myself and what I feel to be true
When the next day I feel my heart and mind telling me something new
I feel the twisting of my soul today
Something is challenging my perceptions
And what I'm going through is hard
And I admit, right now I'm not O.K. So...

Chorus:
Right now, I am confused
Right now, I don't exactly know what to choose
This day feels so unlike the rest
Right now, I am confused

V2
I feel a burden in my spirit today
Feels like everything that I've ever trusted in
Has been washed away
I feel like I'm grappling for the truth
Don't understand decisions that I made while in my youth
In my mind I know I gotta live with what I've chosen
But in my heart I struggle
''cause I can't live with a heart that's frozen
Inside my heart and soul just want to fly

Bridge:
All my questions came to late
I don't get a chance to reevaluate?
Can not bear to live with choices I made
Gonna make a change
Feel a change in my soul today
Gonna let the past fade away
Won't be confused no more


i think right now, this is "our song" me and allan that is... cus i know i love him, and i know he loves me but with all this bs of the breakup well i fee just as confused as this song..... i know we love each other but boy oh boy just liek this song goes back and forth back and forth....thats how my thought process is right now...

TATU: LOVES ME
VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:


I complicated our lives
By falling in love with him
I complicated our lives
Now I'm losing my only friend
I don't know why, I had to try
Living my life on the other side
Now I'm so confused
I don't know what to do

He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me...
I started blurring the lines
Because I didn't care
I started crossing the line
Cause you were never there
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It's almost like I don't even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don't know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, she loves me

He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me...
No where to turn,
No one to help,
It's almost like I don't even know myself
Now I have to choose
I don't know what to do
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
He loves me, He loves me not
She loves me, She loves me not
Loves me not...
tatu:

confused

he says he'll let me lead. whatever i want......
i coulda had a friend with benefits. found that out after talking with allan. basically he's taking his cues offa me... whatever i want he's there for....he's game fer....
but sex isnt just sex to me. theres an emotional and even a spiritual connection. and i'd eventually want more. and ot would break me , tear me, kill me to know that i could never have it....
i cant settle for what i can get, if wha i can get is less then what i need...

dear god it took every once within me to say no tonight....my body just crumpled under his touch....so...i dont think i can cuddle him....

so it wasnt just sex. but we arent back on. ok thats good.... but we need boundaries.... and i am not sure i can have those with him....

i'm tired...... so very very very tired.....

w...t...f....????

ok so umm... i wasnt going to blog this but well...i've been confused all day and i need... NEED to get this out....

so umm yeah, this week has Berna a week of acceptance.... slowly but surely i am accepting allan and i are friends....
i can think of him without crying so much, and to ee him isnt so painful.... i hear a bike in the street and i dont cry so much...
course i'd like to point out a neighbour happen to have the SAME FUCKING BIKE ANS ALLAN so i hear that thing going and i automatically think of Allan
anyways
so last night we are together after game at pauls place...
allan come upstairs....
he needs to talk...
bout emily...
i let him vent, i understand.... and i'm ok...
i hold his hand, i comment but mostly i try to listen and occasionally throw and idea out there....
i wont go into the conversation but needless to say he was feeling hurt.... and emily and allan have taken a few steps back i think int he trust area....
fuck!

so after he vents, we mention food and decide to walk to the local pool/billiards hall and grab a beer (btw, miller premium light SUCKS!) and then a bite to eat....

we admit to each other we still have feelings...
and that we are definitely attracted to one another...
and anyways, we end up cuddling in bed...
and next thing i know he's pouring his heart out and i'm feeling so very much connected to him and then we...
well...
we made love

I KNOW! WTF? i mean... he asked me what i wanted and i said " you, me, us.. thn i am fighting the urge to kiss him.. and hes doing the same for me... and then i inch my head up and one kiss...
bang...
i had flash backs all day today..
i'm talkin to a customer then

whooosh....
scene from last night comes outta nowhere
i'm in between calls then
whoosh another scene from last night outta nowhere...
i mean this used to happen al lot but i learned to deal with them...today were so ....undealable...

i dont know what last night was tho....
i mean...
was it just sex?
are we back on?
does he think we are?
did i leas him on?
am i sending mixed messages?
is he sending em mixed messages?
are we fuck buddies now?
was it a one time fluke?

what....exactly....happened ...last...night.....???????????

wtf was last night???????


i'm so confused.......

i just took like ten steps back in getting over allan....

To wolfie, a poem...

My dear friend, my blood mother still lives but my spiritual mother Mae went home to heave 3 yrs ago this july 15th....so i can understand....
Wollfie, your mother sounded like an amazing woman ( see post here)
my heart and prayers are with all yourt family....
and you are right.... thinking of the great woman she was and holding onto those memories and celebrating her, thats beautiful thing to do...
wolfie, my dear friend..... i really am sorry for your loss... take care my friend....
i tried to write you sumthing...i'm sorry, i dont do happy poetry well....but i tried....


Wolf's Momma's Poem

death can hold us
bind us
twist and break us
or it can be seen
as a new beginning
its not that i dont feel your loss...
i do
with every beat of my heart
i do
it is just i choose to remember
you love
you presence
and your life.
when i do that,
i feel released
at peace
and loved.
cus u r always here
with me
and you'll be there
waiting for me....
i love you momma...

to allan...

we shared a love that was not meant for all time... and no matter where life brings me... or who i meet... and even when i do find another to spend my life with...i'll always remember our time together...... it was not meant to last.... but the memories will.... it was a love before time....eternal...but not possible.... i'll always rmeebr, i'lla lways be able to find my way back to you, in my memories and heart...
I love you Allan....
You have my heart...
always....
mon amour, que je t'adore avec tous mon couere

"A Love Before Time"
COCO LEE
ENGLISH VIDEO HERE
MANDARIN VIDEO HERE
LYRICS:
If the sky opened up for me,
And the mountain disappeared,
If the seas ran dry, turned to dust
And the sun refused to rise
I would still find my way,
By the light I see in your eyes
The world I know fades away
But you stay

As the earth reclaims it due
And the cycle starts anew
We'll stay, always
In the love that we have
Shared before time

If the years take away
Every memory that I have
I would still know the way
That would lead me back to your side
The north star may die
But the light that I see in your eyes
Will burn there always

Lit by the love we have
Shared before time

When the forest turns to jade
And the stories that we've made
Dissolve away
One shining light will still remain

When we shed our earthly skin
And when our real life begins
There'll be no shame
Just the love that we have made before time

theme song

i'm still trying to get over you... three weeks tommroow... how long will this take....i dunno....i still cry myself to sleep at night....and i stillw ake up everymorning feeling blue, and lost....


Until I Get Over You:Christina Milian
video here
lyrics:

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I'm with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain, every time I hear your name

[Chorus]
The sun won't shine since you went away
Seems like the rain's falling every day
There's just one heart, where there once was two
But that's the way it's gotta be,
'til I get over you

[ Milian Christina Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
[Verse 2]
Walked through the park, in the evening air
I heard a voice and I thought you were there
I run away but I just can't escape
Memories of you everywhere
They say that time will dry the tears
But true love burns for a thousand years
Give my tomorrows for one yesterday
Just to know that I could have you here

[Bridge]
When will this river of tears stop fallin'
Where can I run so I won't feel alone
Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'
I've just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go

cuddles and wtf's

so, last weekend, had my usual sunday night gaming session with friends.
allan picked me up
as usual
we chit chat, im doing my best to act casual and "friendly" all the while dreading the end of the night.
when we get to paul's place, i stikc close to the gitls. pauls got a new girlfriend, Elizabeth, she is a real doll. british, more specifically english.
anyways normally id be right there on the sofa, sittign beside allan...as close as possible without being obvious....
that night i stay close to the girls...elizabeth, lynn, and bev.
end of the night comes.... allan drive me home...
i break down into tears on the way home....
explain to him this would be the first sunday we gamed since we broke up... and explain that every sunday we would go upstairs after game....and have time alone together...
we get to talking... and i ask allan upstairs to talk
"sure, i didnt want to invite myself in..." he says
we talk.... i cry... i cant stop crying.... he says to me that i am still blaming myself. asks me to sop doing that, cus that hurts him. he says, its not my fault and to stop thinking that is it my fault. he says i'm second guessing my decisions, and i cant do that.....
but i still cant stop crying.... and i am cryign so much i am actually hurting....
finally... i look at him and ask to sit beside him on the sofa.
i had purposefully sat ina chair so i wld be alone
then i still cant stop crying and i ask if i can please cuddle ....saying just before i lay in his arm "friendship, right"
and i stop crying......
i relax...
and we talk sum more....
then allan asks "it is up to you, but did you want to lay down together in bed?"
i agree.....
and i make sure i keep my clothes on (first time for everything i guess, clothes on in bed that is... normally its lingerie, or pjs, or nude)
and i doze off in his arms..... his embrace calming me... i can hear him breathing deeply.....hes not sleeping, but hes there, dozing too....
and then 3am hits... and he get up to leave.... and i am sumwhat awake... and i just lay still.... normally he gets up and i roll over straight to where he was and hug his pillow... he says its cute.... i dont do that... i dont watch him leave, i listen for that door to close and lock.... i listen for his car to pull away... then and only then do i undress, and roll over to his side of the bed, hug his pillow... and cry myself to sleep....

i had to have sent him mixed messages.....
and for that i am sorry....

so i sent him an email (it was how i always communicated initially, limited contact being what it was) and told him i was sorry. and i would not cross that boundary again... friends....
no more cuddling....

i still am not over him.....
i still love him....
i see him i want to love him., hold him, be with him. stay with him, have a life with him, be his strength, be his confidant, be his love, be his friend, be his and his alone.....

instead, i am alone.

wtf was i thinking on sunday night?
i kni forgot that he is breaking up wiht me too...i forgot he is in pain too.... and i was selfish, and wanted to stop crying and the only wasy i could think ws in his arms... cus he has always been calming effect on me....
never again.....
i'm sorry allan for sending mixed signals.... least we didnt have sex..... i'd nvr do that to you.....

last night

well, with my neck being the way it has been, i have not been able to go out to pick up supplies, or really cook... my dad was supposed to come by wednesday to take me to get supplies and drop off sum spaghetti to get me thru the week...
h didnt.
i called wednesday he said he wld be by thursday
he didnt
so friday i am sitting woth nothing to drink at all. except tap water. no jilk no juice, nuttin. cats are outta food. and i have nuttin quick to make except sandwiches...and i can choose tuna, cheese, tomato, or a combo of all ....
then the pain starts again and i lef tmy magic bag at work (u know thos ethings u heat up ad wrap around ur neck)
anyays i am in tremendous pain and the pain killers i was given arent working... so i call allan...
ask him if he or emily cld take me out to get supplies...

i am high
seriously. i too 2 robax platinum ( as prescribed) and i am high when call him and high when he shows up.
we get o giggling and carrying on ad tee heeing all the time ....
cus i am high.

then, it wears off.... cus u know u can only be high so much for so long.. and this had already been a cpl hrs or so...
and then i am in pain. physically and emotionally
i tell him my dad never showed and i start to cry and say i had to call him for help. he tel me not to feel guilty and i blurt out that i dont feel guilty about asking for his help for once cus i am not talking hi away fro sum body (ie i am not taking him away to spend time as his girlfriend...and he isnt hiding it from emily either cus anytime i asked for sumthign outside of date night 9/10 he'd hide it from emily)" but rally i am crying partly cus of dad but partly cus i cant see him without crying... i feel so hurt...
seeing him hurts....
he helps me carry my stuff out then makes a mad dash for the door cus while we were out he got the call to come into work....

i feel the pain..all over again... but a cpl robax and a Tylenol , sum chocolate milk and ice cream... and i fall asleep...

i wake up to fat cat sleeping on my chest... which can only mean one thing.... i must've fallen asleep crying. he only ever sleeps on my chest if i am crying. he tried to comfort me b curling up and purring on my chest.... otherwise he sleep at my side or my feet....

my neck feels better today tho....
my heart.....
feels pain.....

Fox Elipsus Indigo

so, i'm listeining tosome new music that was introduced to me via facebook..... the artist asked me what i thoguht of the music.. iw arned him it woudlbe a long email and alsed him to forgive my many typos (i am quite proud actually, i think i have very few spellign wrror...pleantly of grammer erros thos)
His name is Fox Elipsus Indigo and u can listen to his music here

here what i sent..... and i think it is too much, honestly i cldve kept it short... i mean seriosuly! sheesh! i overcomplicate things....


"well i have not gotten thru all the music yet ;-) but this email wont be short
and please excuse any typos, i am NOTORIOUS amongst my friends for my typos....spell check is foreign to me ;-)


i am impressed, entranced, hooked, and pleasantly surprised
i have a question, the guitar solo i hear at the beginning of the song "monuments" do u play that or was that somebody else? i loved it
i must say, whether it is the lyrics or the music alone they do touch a person!
so far i like the variety.
a lot of the songs i have heard so far have bean about love. and some have even been about loss. and do those ever touch me deeply! when u sing of love - lost, gained, found- it seems like it is true feelings and it is not like some of the commercialised stuff you hear these days which seems to focus on what sounds good and not what has meaning. your music sounds good,AND has meaning. the music really does touch me.
i think that you really are meeting your vision of following in the likes of "the great ones" :)
to give you some specific examples of what i thought:
"killing in the name of currency"~ All i can say is the message it carries forth is a strong one.
"i could go with you"~ made me cry. it was so soulful, terribly sad. made me think of all the loves I'd lost and wished i could have stayed and it was like a prayer to those old loves. I'm not sure if that was your intention. it was heart breaking to hear. definitely one of my favourites.
"monuments"~ this one song and a few others had unanswered questions as a theme. this is another part to your music that i enjoy. it inspires thought, invokes questions and wonder. i like this. your music isn't brainlessness. LOL
now to be honest tho there is one song that i dd not like "momentum of the underground" the lyrics were OK but the music itself was too much like other dance music I've heard... hey, i can't like everything can I? LOL :) but to be truthful i have loved everything else so far and have recommended it to many of my friends.
i can honestly say you have a wide variety of music so far and again i am loving that.
your songs do not sound like a lot of the commercialised stuff that is out there these days . it is honest. soulful, touching, and genuine.
and by the way... "the scientist" i heard done by "cold play" and to be honest.... i enjoy your version better. it just seems like your version was much more genuine. i liked how u took out a lot of the instruments and how this allowed a person to focus more on the lyrics and feeling to the song. and the same goes for "losing my religion" amazing covers! ;-)

thank you again for introducing me to you music. i must say that using facebook 9and myspace) to get your music out there is a great idea! i was impressed :) this is a perfect example of using social networking to ones business advantage without breaking trust or privacy policies (least i hope not, LOL)
anyways, on that note i shall depart. this email is far too long and i have some more music to listen to ;-)
Take Care,
signed with my real name and not cries alone or walks with wolves"

LOL, i amlost copy pasted my real name...LOL. oops ;-) sorry folks.

well i gtg. i really am listening to his music and am impressed, and addicted!!!!!


oh andi wrote him again
"PS: and the song "sumthing in your eyes" had the same impact as "i could go woth you.... wow....
the lyrics, the musics... i'm amazed."
and again
"PPS; i just heard "song for the terrorosits"
ok i am blown away .... this one song, is the ONE SONG that i feel should be listened to by as many ppl as possible. it is music like this that will change the world.
wow!"

oh and " PPPS; by the way, "fantasy" made me blush! roflol. i immediatly told my boyfriend he needed to listen to that song! i am awaiting his response LOL"


i know i need help.... i type waaaay too many stuff! LOL

two weeke tommrow

so Allan dropped by unexpectedly Thursday night.... heres the thing, i'm terrified of spiders. i dont know why, i just am. gimme bees, wasps, ants, worms, snakes. rabid dogs with rabies, raccoons, bears, bats, lions i dont care the only thing i and terrified of is spiders. and i know they mean me no harm, i mean sure barn spiders are aggressive but their bites arent killer, only makes u swell up and thats only if u r allergic.... i cant explain it...i'm terrified of them
anyways, i had posted on facebook i had this huge ass spider on my balcony and i was too afraid to get rid of it.... didnt want to kill it, just wanted to get it off my balcony.
the first time i tried it landed on me.
the next time i got rid of its web.
and the third time after that i got it to go on the other side of the balcony to my next neighbour's balcony who is a lil ol' lady.
i didnt think she'd appreciate that spider either...
anyways the whole while i am posting my spider woes on facebook...
all a sudden i get a buzz, its allan, come to get rid of spidy.
O-M-G

we had told each other we'd still be friends. we had promised each other since the beginning "friendship first"
but when i finally said those words on Sunday July 26Th at about midnight..... i hadnt spoke to him since....
now the night b4 this all happened (the spider i mean) on Wednesday night i did leave a comment on the chat box of our favourite facebook game - paradimgn. to which he replied. and on Thursday morning i sent him a bulk email of a comic strip i knew he'd like, but i sent it to many others too....
so still no direct contact... then Thursday while i am putting my spider woes on facebook, i managed to comment on his status on facebook....jus ta cpl comments....that was my first time trying to talk to him ina week and 1/2
eleven days no contact
in the 2 yrs we've been together... thats the longest we've ever gone with no contact
anyways... he shows up.... and i let him in... and i see him and i am suddenly so happy.
and for an instant....
i forget.
he rounds thew corner of my kitchen
i see him and in that instant i am forgetting we are no longer a couple.
i am thinking i shld go over and give him his welcome kiss and hug i always give him.
he has commented before that he loves getting kissed by me. that when i kiss him with that welcome kiss it is as passionate as if i hadnt seen in in a very long time, whether It be a day, and hour, or a week. its always passionately.
then it hits me.
we arent together.
so he asks to see this spider.
goes out with the broom and my spiderban spray. i tell him i dont want to kill it (actually i use the spider ban to spray them away, stuff makes em run away, if u spray them directly it kills them. spray their web and areas they just go find another more welcoming spot...) anyways....
he goes over till kill spidy.
and i am caught between feelings of happiness i see him again..and sadness... cus i see him again...
he kills spidy and just b4 i go i show him the good news that my neck is feeling better....moving it all round saying "see, much better. very lil pain now"
and he gives me a hug
and int hat moment. his arms a round me... he's tightly embracing me....i cling to him and i start to shake a lil bit...

i push hum away, the hug lasts about 30 seconds, maybe 45....
i push him away immediately turn towards the opposite direction so he doesnt see my tears and i blurt out "anyways, u said u cld only stay a bit, u shld get going..."
and i dont watch him leave....
cus i'm crying...'silently letting the tears fall.. and when i am sure he cant hear anymore...
i start wailing again....
i cant stop the tears....
see that hug, that one embrace hurt me more then i ever thought it could. because i suddenly realised...this was it. this hug was all i was ever going to have with allan. ever. period. no more. ever. period. friendship. period. no more love with him. period.no more. period. we were thru as lovers. period. just friends. period. never again. period.
and it hurt so bad i felt it like a deep tearing... it was a pain i never wanted to feel.
but it was there....
and i cldnt help but cry, sob, wail... all over again.... the pain of the separation made all the more real...with just that hug... no more with him.. ever. period
once i gain enuff control to be able to speak i call emily up...
i explain to her he dropped by without warning and i was caught off guard. i wasnt ready to see him yet... and i am crying and i cant stop...
she tried to be there for me but she and kids were heading to the lake (and allan was to meet them there)


so i hung up...talked maybe 5 minutes.. and cried some more
i call allan. leave him a voicemail as he doest answer as he is prob still on his motorcycle on his way home...and in between sobs i ask him to call next time he comes over...that i need to brace myself emotionally b4 seeing him. i was thankful for the spider, more then he knew. and i wasnt being mean, i just needed him to call b4 he came over so i cld brace myself as i wasnt ready to see him" i hang up barely being able to speak, sobbing again.
he calls me back almost immediately... and i cant hid the tears.... and he says it wasnt his intention to hurt me he just wanted to help his friend...i told him i needed time. i just need him to call b4, so i can brace myself... then i cut the conversation short, saying i had to go, and said bye....
ans began sobbing, crying, and and wailing all over again...
later that night, i talk to emily online.... she explains that Allan was prepared for when i left him....she says that he thinks i am pushing his friendship away. i try to say i'm not.. all awhile thinking i am....
pain....


and then allan comes online.
and we talk.. first time in eleven days...we talk. he tells me it hurts him that seeing him makes me hurt.. tells me he thought about dropping by the day b4. he drove by my place. but he couldnt stop inside. he said it hurt too much. he says when he came in, when he rounded that corner of my kitchen all he cld think was "lets make this as quick and painless as possible"
i admitted i forgot for a moment that we werent together....
we talked longer.... him telling me to stop beating myself up . that this wasnt my fault. him telling me he almost wishes he had done something wrong, that then it would make things easier on us both... cus i admitted to him that when there is a wrong done i forgive that person and i let the love die and that isnt so easy when i leave because what i want and need isnt going to be met in the relationship...
i am crying the whole time we talk online.... i cant hardly see the keyboard as i typed...
at one point he asked me if i was still sure. meaning the break-up. i asked him not to ask me that again.
cus truth be told. i am not sure. i regret. i still want to be with him. cus even the little bit i had with him feels better then nothing.... being a part time girlfriend was better then being a full time friend anyway...
but i dont tell him this. i just ask him not to ask me that again...

we end the conversation when he says he has to work at 8am....and its 1am.
i admit i feel weird just ending it... cu i am used to typing sumthing... instead i type "take care" and "chow"
all the while wanting to type " i love you" and "i miss you"
and just b4 i leave i ask him to make me promise....i ask him not to do with me what he did with angel (one of his other poly relationships from few yrs ago) i ask him that when he dates again, not to hide her from me. to tell me.
he promises, saying thats all he can do.
then i say "take care" and 'chow" and i wait for him to sign off....
he doesnt .....
i wait... he doesnt....
i have to sign off...

whoever said "tis better to have love and lost, then to not have loved at all" was full of shit and obviously on sum good fucking shit.... cus i regret falling in love, because i feel this loss...

one of my friends says that i have a big heart. that it is only because i love so much i feel such pain.
perhaps they are right....
i dont know if i like having such big heart to Love so much..... if it means i feel this kind of hurt and

theme songs

got introduced to a new artist today... via facebook of all places....
Fox Elipsus
i can't find any lyrics to copy paste and i'm too lazy to dothem myself (so far) but heres sum videos.....
these are todays theme songs.... THESE ARE DEDICATED TO ALLAN.... altho i can live without his love, and i will survive...but the sentiment is there....

SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES
VIDEO HERE

UNREQUITED
LISTEN HERE