UNiversity

I got my grade back from my university course.... i worked my little ass off. i had to take a test every othe week! it was 3 hrs in one session of grueling french grammar. it was study all the time... i worked my ass off... and....
*drum roll*
I got an
A!
I HAVE A 4.0 GPA NOW :-)
sure it is only one course but....
am so fucking floored right now. I mean, whoah. totally floored i was expecting a c maybe a b.... but an a! whoah! seeign that 4.0 gpa is fucking amzing tho! well, it is only one class but still... very nve to see.... i cannnot belive i did it.... i'm shocked. everybody says they knew i could do it. bt i didnt. i mean i prsyed and i studied and ..whoah!
i even told allan, he said a cpl weeks ago he wanted to knw what my grade was. so it old him. havent told emeily, she has nt ecpressed a want to know liek allan did. I'm not bragging...i'm just so dan proud. i worke dmy ass off fer this grade... :-D
whoah!
i saw it and i spent like 15 minutes going
"holy shit, holy fuck, oh my god, holy shit, holy fuck, oh my god, holy shit, holy fuck, oh my god"
and "whoah, whoah whoah, whoah, whaoh"

i am clinging to whatever good i can right now cus i am so fucking low! this may not be much to you... but it is sumthign to cling to... cus i am struggling hard core with thoughts and theya renot good thoughts...

I'm not sure what i want any more. what to do
i'm confused and fucked up and right now. i dont feel like i belong
me me me me me me me me me me
whine whine whine whine....
the nightmare are still here. can't tell if i'm thrashing about....
feeling incredibly lonely, and confused.... thinking bout just running away...cutting everybody off... cocooning. but i really do not want to start all over again, from scratch that is. new furniture, bed, appliances, aquariums, etc cus i dont have the money to move away entirely to a new cityand buy all new things...i liek my things. i worked hard for my thing.... i dont want t lsoe them and start over... ... but i want to get away from this.
i dont want to deal any longer
i'm tired....
i just want a place i can call home...
i can be happy alone...but i cant be happy without a home...
i'm very very tire... and if eel liek i'm gettig to theend of my rope....
i'm jst so tired...
sumbody, come into my life and help me feel ...like home.... like i belong... thats lal i ask...to belong....
i'm trying to fix things with my parents, really i am...
it not enuff tho...
i'm so fucked up nobody is ever goignt o want me in their life...
i dont think i'll ever feel the way i want to...which is...home.

this weekend, not easy. very very lonely.

birthday

its my birthday today...
despite a ton of people wishing me a happy birthday on facebook...
still feel alone.
i know lots of people fer sure
have only a few people i'd call friends...
and nobody i'd consider like family n e more...
incredibly lonely day today, despite people trying to make it a happy day...

very, very tired..... tired of feelignt his way, tired of trying to depen relatinships and tired of fighint heart ache, and tired of trying to fix me and my parents, and tire d of this depression, and just plain..tired.
but
i brought this all on myself so i deserve to feel this way. i dont deserve to feel n e different...

Just thinking

Am going to try to focus on what i do have... and not what i lack...
problem is...
what i do have is severally lacking!!!! LOL
seriously tho... i'm trying guys... am trying to get thru this confusion of heart, head and faith... and trying to get thru this fear in me...and trying to make deeper relationships...
and i know people have it worse then me but...
i'm trying..thats all i can do
try

birthday!!!!

So, today is is now officially my birthday...
I've got a full weekend planned... i figure the busier i keep myself the less likely i'll feel depressed... right?
I missmy best freind...
anyways..
i went to a freinds palce tday to buy them and myself birthday treeats at an ice cream shop, then i went shopping. i got my Godson gabriel a shit load of presents cus i found out today i'm FINALLY gettign paid my short term disability benifits! hooray!
i then went to a movie, using my free pass of course... clash of the titans. you know, they had a cpl little refernces to the old 1981 movie but it was compleltly differnet..lotsa artistic liscence...but a good movie none the less. i enjoyed it... am in love with the black pegasas! kicks ass!
that was my day... tommorow i am goignt o breakfast by myself... then i geta cake deliviered. my freind at church made me one. then i have a party to go to sat night. we arer dressing up in costumes and playign nightmare. nostalgic much? and my freinds there have made me a cake...
then sunday its off to churcha nd then sunday night another party playifn witha different group of freinds and ... paul is goignt o make em acak. so is another friend... i'm goignt o be all caked out ths weekend! LOL
all ina ll, the point of this weekend is to keep myself as busy as possible and try to be as happya s possible... and to feel the love from my other freinds...

anyways..
we'lls ee how things gof rom there...
i still miss my best freind emily...
we'll never be best freinds again, i know...but... i still wish she cld be in my life...
wish id never had that affair.... it cost me my sanity, my best freind, and my heart...it has me filled with guilt and shame and regret....
maybe one day i'll feel better...

theme song

James Blunt _ Same Mistake

Lyrics

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake,
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.

heartbroken

todays theme songs... some good ol classic blues....
I lost my best freind, and my lover...allan and emily... the even i could nto foresee, was my affair. and i lost her and him ...

Mississippi Heat
Heartbroken
Lyrics
HEARTBROKEN
(P. Lacocque, Ransart Music, BMI)

I'M [SO] HEARTBROKEN
AND BABY LET ME TELL YOU WHY
[REPEAT]
... WELL IT HAPPENED A WHILE AGO
AND I STILL HAVE A TEARY EYE

A FRIEND OF MINE IS NOW GONE
AN EVENT I COULDN’T FORESEE
[REPEAT]
... BUT NOW I KNOW
I CAN COUNT ON ONLY ME

NO ONE [BABY]
NO ONE HAS EVER TREATED ME SO KIND
[REPEAT...]
... AND NOW THAT HE IS NO MORE
I STILL HAVE HIM ON MY MIND

I'M [SO] HEARTBROKEN
OH MORE THAN I CAN TELL
[REPEAT]
... WELL MY GRIEF IS SO DEEP
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE HELL

A FRIEND OF MINE IS NOW GONE
OH AN EVENT I COULD NOT FORESEE
[REPEAT...]
... BUT NOW I KNOW
I CAN COUNT ON ONLY ME

I'M [SO] HEARTBROKEN
AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY
[REPEAT]
... WELL IT HAPPENED A WHILE AGO
AND I STILL HAVE A TEARY EYE


Mississippi Heat
IT HURTS TO BE LONESOME
(P. Lacocque, Ransart Music, BMI)

I DON'T FEEL LIKE LIVIN'
MY LIFE LOOKS SO BLEAK
I'M IN MY BEDROOM CRYIN'
I CAN HARDLY SPEAK
IT HURTS TO BE LONESOME
IT IS SO PAINFUL TO BE ALONE
THE BLUES IS NO FUN AT ALL
WHEN IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE IN YOUR OWN HOME

I'M STUCK IN A RAT RACE PEOPLE
I AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR NO FRIENDS
MY WOMAN DON'T UNDERSTAND ME
WHEN WILL THIS PAIN ALL END
IT HURTS TO BE LONESOME
IT IS SO PAINFUL TO BE ALONE
THE BLUES IS NO FUN AT ALL
WHEN IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE IN YOUR OWN HOME

TEARS ARE MY COMPANIONS
I FEEL LIKE A STEP-CHILD
I'M IN A NIGHTMARE, PEOPLE
THESE BLUES' IS RUNNIN' WILD
IT HURTS TO BE LONESOME .../...


I TRIED TO SLOW DOWN PEOPLE
BUT IT NEVER WORKS TOO LONG
NO MATTER WHAT I PUT DOWN BABY
IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO GO WRONG
IT HURTS TO BE LONESOME
IT IS SO PAINFUL TO BE ALONE
HOW CAN A MAN BE HAPPY
WHEN IT'S LIKE A WAR ZONE IN HIS OWN HOME

i cant think of a titile

i am seriously messed up right now....
really really messed up...

anyways.... i am struggling cus part of me wants to never see or talk or anything with allan
another part wants to be friends
and another part holds out hope we could work this all out the three of us...
told ya... messed up to say the least...

i do not trust myself and i just have no idea what i want or need any longer... i'm lost and i feel very very alone ...
cus i may have a ton of people all around me but..i just... i do not connect with them as close as people think...
i let Mae close, she dies. I let frank close, he treated me like i was nothing and broke my heart. i let allan close and i have to leave him then ahve an affair and i lose him. i let emily close and i hurt her in the deepest of betrayals.....
anybody else has been a friend but... i dont let the too close.. i'm too scared i'll get hurt. and that inner voice, just..seems to be unheard...
what d i do? where do i go? what do i want..
i dont know any more

all i feel is...like its all just gone..dust in the wind... dont worry i dont have any thoughts of ending it, i'm just..feeling lost.
Kansas
Dust In The Wind lyrics

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind



Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within
Lyrics

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

Chorus

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts
to fall

holy shit!

this sia light post, cant remeber the last time i did one....
I just randomly met sum guy on a networking site called experience project.. apparently he is on this website as he is a dom looking fer a sub...
we cahhted.. ishared why iw as ont he site...to share my story about my affair...
i shared my guilt
my suicidal thoughts
he then shares he is a greif councillor
then he mentions his greif councilling is pastoral training so he will talk about God....

i just met a dom greif councillor who has pastoral training....
i'm so happy!
cus if ther ie such thing as this, dammit theres gotta be sum christian guy out there who would love sex and all the kinky shit as much as i do!!! but by kinky, i do not mean that i am a dom, or a sub, or into bdsm or anythign liek that... sure a little bit of bondage was sexy one in a blue moon... you know, scarves or furry cuffs...
LOL
i'm happy
oh and to boot
this si the best part....
he beleives greif is greif...whether it is a the loss of a job or a loved one..
so umm.. guess what i just mamaged to find... somwbody to talk to.
well online...
i'm lookign for an alternative lifestylkes councillor, cus well..my current one is waaaaay too biast about polyamoury and it is not effective as i feel i cant open up to her as she has her mind made up .... so i'm lookign fer another therapist...
anyways .. happy

todays theme song

On & On I go, Klaus Whytestone
listen here


oh an by the way... i might have to call the cops on JB. Am worried, so is my roomate from when i was at the hotel P... he's promised to txt her every hour and if she feels worried she says she'll call me and we'll call the cops on him.. not sure what else to do cept i cant convince him to go to the hospital, i gave him the local suicide prevention line but he wouldnt call with me there, he hasnt gone in to see his familyd r yet, and he says he is on the waitlist for mental helth clinic to geta councillor...
only other thing si to call the cops...right?
so i shll give him a chance, but if he worries me and my hotel p roomie, then... we'll callt he cops plain and simple...
i dont knwo what else to do...

guard

I had to keep my guard up around frank..
and i had to keep my guard up around allan...
it will be nice... to eventually met a guy... i dont ahve to keep my guard up around. it gets so tiring. i think thats what i meant by i got tired of fighting... wasnt fighting..it was guard. i was tired of keeping my guard up. and not havign my guard up is what i truly want...
i had to contstanly keep frank from weed and try to watch and regain trust, guar
i had keep allan and emily's secret, guard
i had to fight against my heart, guard
and now after my affair.....
guard
i wish i could just stop being on guard.....

Soul ties

Last night, I went to a friends place after talking with emily and allan....
yeah. I had it out with allan. we'd talked before, and that was mostly me letting into him but this time... i wanted a reason as to why he did it. hid me from emily.
answer... he had dug himself a hole and just didnt kno how to tell her. he was confused. he was scared he'd lose it all..
fine.... it still isnt a reason as to why he didnt tell her as soon as it happened....anyways.... i didnt get my answer but i did get... well..
we talked about his "pattern" of hiding shit.... and got a few holes knocked in my theory... which was good. he has hidden shit b4, but just never a whole woman b4... which made me feel better. like he wasnt sum monster player...
and i dont hate him. but i am angry and hrt by him..
but after last night..
i see just how lost he is...
he is lost.
plain and simple.
and he is scared.
and i honestly feel sorry for him...
i'm still angry at him. and hurt.
i told him point blank... love is respect, honesty, honor, and being true to your heart... and he was none of these. and emily, agreed with me and said that why she has taken off her rings....
i wish i could help, but not this time. i cannnot...
i'm sorry for him, part of me still loves him, but i'm also hurt and angry at him.... and just not willing to go back.
i wont ever let hm back into my life... need to do what i did with frank... if i see him at a mutual freinds well then that is fine, we have mutual friends but... i cant have him as a friend... ever.
my friend i saw after talking with allan said she wanted me to pray sumthing...
"lord, I have been with this man and I have bonded with him. we have a soul tie. I pray that you break the soul tie between us and fill it with you instead. amen"
I couldnt pray that...
the words just would not come out...
cus part of me still just does not want to let go... hence the no alone contact....
so instead, i prayed to god that i could eventually say them.... cus even right now i say no to him being in my life but some part of me... i just, i will not indulge that part of me.... i was nearly destroyed because of this affair....
and besides, Allan says what he did , the whole affair, there were emotions involved and love and well... he dint respect me. he was not honest with me int hat eh said he'd tell her and he never did, did not honor me and he was not true to me.... so i can't call what he did... love.
can i?
he'll deny that tooth and nail but seriously... can you call what he did love when he didn't do any of those 4 things....
i dont doubt the 2 yrs we were together b4 the affair. that much i do not doubt any longer. that was love and not an illusion..but the affair...

anyways... i gtg. id dint get to sleep till 5am and i woke up constantly so i am drained...
an i feel like i am going to throw up...
and i feel a huge headache
and i feel like i want to crawl in a hole and cry all day....
i didnt cry last night... i was too angry...
but i may cry today....
all alone of course
ha.

emily...

i cant write peotry, my heart just wont speak i've never felt so lost..cant write cant read music is not the same faith seems so wrong people seem so distant and love is a dream turned nightmare
i'm forcing myself to write..so this stuff is worse poetry than usual! LOL

i wish i were melo dramatic
when i say
my heart has turned to stone
i wish i was over exaggerating
when i say,
i fight darkness every day
but i'm not


this darkness i feel inside
this guilt and shame and loss
is a pain too real
it chains my heart
locks me in a a prison
i'm lost and i can't be found


i broke my best friends heart.
i shattered it to pieces
i left her in the dark
as i ran away
how do you fix that?
you can't.


i saw your picture today
i looked away
i flipped the page
tears in my eyes,
heart in my throat
a love that can never be fulfilled
dreams turned nightmares...



I'm lonely and afraid
i feel so lost and adrift
i lost my love,
he ran away.
i lost my friends,
i pushed her away,
i lost my family,
they never were there.
i lost it all...
and thats what i can't bear

todays theme song

ignore the stuff about "love" in here.... this is a song about how i feel about emily, just take out the love stuff cus that doesnt apply...but the rest does...

State Of Shock
Best I ever Had
Lyrics

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I’m dying to let you know

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don’t blame you for hating me
I didn’t mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you're gone
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you're leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you're leaving and words won’t bring you back
I'll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I’m here to say I’m sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

todays theme song

this song is how i feel after these last 6 mths.....
allan its not your fault...its mine. sorry. its not your fault...it is mine.
"I was a dreamer before you went and let me down." ..."I honestly believed in you Holdin' on,The days drag on Stupid girl I should've known".. "Maybe I was naïve"... "I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings; "



Taylor Swift
White Horse
Lyrics

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should've known, I should've known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.



Hillary Duff
I wish
Lyrics

Everyday it's getting worse not better
Maybe we should sit and finally talk
Cuz where were at it's hard to measure
When I'm standin in front of a wall, yeah

You wanna know why I look sad and lonely
You wanna know why I can barely talk, well
It's not your fault so let me say I'm sorry
For makin you the reason for my fall

[CHORUS]:

I wish that I could be like I was before
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low
I wish that you could make my world feel better
And take away the hurt so I won't be so far gone (yeah)

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish

You always hurt the people closest to ya
Guess I blamed you for everything wrong
And I don't know why it's so hard to tell ya
I guess that's why I'm writing you this song, yeah

You wanna know why I look sad and lonely
You wanna know why I can barely talk, well
It's not your fault so let me say I'm sorry
For makin you the reason for my fall

[CHORUS]:

I wish that I could be like I was before
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low
I wish that you could make my world feel better
And take away the hurt so I won't be so far gone (yeah)

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish

[CHORUS]:

I wish that I could be like I was before
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low
I wish that you could make my world feel better
And take away the hurt so I won't be so far gone

[CHORUS]:

I wish that I could be like I was before
I was ridin high but now I'm feelin so low
I wish that you could make my world feel better
And take away the hurt so I won't be so far gone (yeah)

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish, (yeah)
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish

suicide

one thing about having been suicidal... i recognize a goodbye letter....
"i just wanted to let you know that no matter what the future may hold, keep your head up, and never stop smiling. You're stronger than you think, and someday you'll find out, hugs from your Johnny Boy"
I know my JB, and this may have seemed lie a normal letter but...trust me.... i know my JB...it was a goodbye letter of sorts. it was the same type of email i sent to emily and allan when i was contemplating....
thank god i have suicide prevention training. it is useless to use on yerself but it is handy to use on others...thankfully JB called, he'd snapped outta it. but he was on the bridge earlier .
i talked to him for over 2 hrs... finally convinced him he could go for help, that he cld go on ei and that he wouldnt lose a place to live....
the training i took, basically helps me to recognize symptoms, get that person talking, get them admit to thinking about suicide, talking them outta it, then getting them to professional help... which is what i did to JB. it took me an hour 45min to get him to admit to thinking about suicide and almost doing it...
Johnny boy is going to get help now ...thankfully...
for now he is going to the easter play 2morro as it is easter weekend and no family dr avail but i convinced him that he was on that bridge so it was a life attempt. I've convinced him that he could go on ei and that he needed to see his dr, so he said will.... he promised he wont do anything but i'll work on him 2morro too and convince him to see the hospital. i'll get him to stay over at my place after the play and i'll work on getting him to see the emerg psych nurse.... he is safe right now, if i have too i'll get him to stay until he sees any dr! cus i could not convince him to see sumbody tonight as he said he was set that he was ok now and was not going to hurt or kill himself... but still... he was that close he needs to get help. right now it is just convincing him that help is there...
for now... i have at least got him to admit he was thinking of suicide. for now i got him to admit he needs help. for now i closed down the barriers to getting help, which for him were that he thought if he chkd into the hospital he would be unpaid and not be able to afford a place to live. i told him he just needs to see his dr, and get a note for ei and he is paid sick benefits w/in 2 wks... thats as far as i could get... so he wills ee his dr, and he knows he needs help. thats all i can do for now. i'll call him again in the morning and get him to stay the night here. then i'll work on him more and see if i can't get him to the hospital...
we shall see...
i never thought i'd have to use my training...
i hop and pray he wont do anything tonight.... after talking with him tho i genuinely believe he won't do anything tonight.. it i dont have that feeling in my gut he is lieing or is in immediate danger...
he's only in danger if i can't convince him to get help right away...
i love me sum my johnny boy... well i love him ina platonic sense, he's my friend. and i dont have many of them. i am being 100% selfish in wanting him to live! hoe he doesn't mind my selfishness!

me

So, a strange thing happened today while i was watching the Easter passion play at church. I'm in the choir, so i get the benefit of watching pretty much the whole show .. great fer curiosity, bad fer the feet...Oh my feet! LOL
on a side note, getting lots of compliments... people arent used to seeing me in a skirt. am wearing a skirt. then theres the fact that i am wearing jewelery... another rare thing... and on top of that rarest of all things... make up... a lot of make up...
yeah...a very rare site.
LOl
funny i get lots of ppl telling me i look pretty...or cute. i've come to the general conclusion that the only person to ever say i looked "hot"...was Allan! LOL everybody else says... 'cute" or "pretty" or "lovely" lol
anyways.... i dont plan on wearing make up again any time soon... i'm sorry but i like my natural look... i enjoy that when a man kisses my skin..its my skin..and that when he sees my face...its mine, sure there might be a pimple, you see my freckles... and i'm not all "dolled up" but its me...
anyways back to the strange thought...
i started thinking about... my past....
weird... as Jesus is being crucified... my life was flying thru my mind..weird....
anyways

my first memory...is a pool. i remember swimming to the deep end. i remember there being no ropes to separate the shallow from deep end. i remember my arm bands sumhow coming off then.. bottom of the pool. i remember trying to swim back up for air, i remember the water filling my lungs. i remember seeing my father and my uncle dive from above... and then i remember dad saving me...
so my first memory is of drowning and my dad saving me. explains why time after time i let my dad mes-sup and always forgive him... anyways that off topic
next memory i have is not pleasant. yeah i know, like drowning is pleasant but trust me it is compared to this one...
my next memory that worth telling happened i think when i was 4, maybe 5 possibly 6. i was when i was in kindergarten. my parents were together. i was sent with my sister to a babysitter. she would take my sister and leave me behind with sum man. not her husband, too young. her son? a tenant? i guess i was too much of a handle so she'd leave me behind when she and my sister would go out...
that man, would make me put on a pair of panty hose....
and molest me.
i think that is why tot his day, it is rare i wear a skirt. cus usually u wear hose with a skirt, and sum part of me hates wearing hose cus of that memory.
he'd do stuff to me...
asking if i liked it.
it was weird. confusing.
he'd get me to wear the sitter's daughters hose. usually molest me in the sitter's daughter bedroom, or the bathroom.. and sumtimes he'd bring me downstairs to the basement apartment he lived in and do stuff there. i dont remember that apartment too well... maybe there were pictures taken? i am not sure. it is kind of a blur. but the upstairs bathroom i remember clear as day.... if i close my eyes and think on it...i can see the bedroom, i can see th bathroom, i cans ee the hose, and i can remember laying down on the floor.... i can still hear his voice... not old. twenties? thirties? the sitter was old, in her sixties so i'm told...
i do not know how long it went on for...i assume for as long as i was babysat there... i never did anything to him....he always did stuff to me...
then, my parent divorced and my dad got custody. and i spent more time at home. there was a boy at the top of the street, i was friend with him, i was less then 9 yrs old. he was in his late teens. he lived with family....
i remember he used to take me to the shed in his yard, and french kiss me. i had stuff done to me when i was little as i explained, so i didnt fight back...i assume cus maybe the man at my sitters who moleste m e before had kissed me? who knows. point is i didnt fight. i wish i had, maybe then it would have prevented what happened. if i had fought back... i should have....part of me has always wondered why i didnt fight back. part of me, will always not fight men off even in adulthood... this kissing was harmless enuff compared to the molestation before but then things escalated...
sumbody else became involved...
older... an uncle? a father?
whoever it was, the boy would lead me into a bedroom and there he'd be..spwaled out, naked..waiting...
he;d get me to do stuff...
theres a reason allan and frank commented on my blow job skills...
i had lots of practice at a very young age....
unfortunately...
i know you wonder why i would get into this person house and how? well, it was a different time. my dad was very trusting and back then, child molestation was not sumthing many people talked about or were even aware of... my dad thought he knew this family up th street. thought he could trust htem. and they would call and invite me over ...usually with the lure of sumthing i'd like...
elvis or michael jackson movies..
yeah i know...
fer sum kids it was candy..
for me it was elvis and michael jackson...
and for covers sake, we would watch the movies in question...
i still get flashbacks of that house, that man, that boy. sumtimes it is when i hear a certain phrase... or see sumthing...or hear sumthing...
i can still see one of the bedrooms. i can see the bed as i walk in...i can see the man... and i can see his... anyways.. i can see all of him...
it all stopped when when my dad married my step mom it stopped. he was too paranoid to let me go into anybody else home unless she was there..thats good. turns out, step mom was molested too as a kid... in this case, the phrase "paranoia will destroy ya" doesnt apply.." paranoia will save ya" and then his family eventually moved away...
i remember one time trying to tell my best friend Robbie about it. this was after the family had moved away. Robbie told the boy in the family cus they were friends and still in contact. he'd only moved a short ways away, to a new home in the area. far enuff away from me to know stay in contact with me but still able to be in contact with his friend like Robbie. one day that boy came back to visit robbie and he found me... and he pulled me aside in the nearby woods and said to me... if i ever told a soul about what had happened at his house, he'd kill me.
after that i didnt remember much. i put it out of my mind. i forgot. what he said scared me enuff to make me forget... he was in my face, i cld see his teeth and his voce was dead serious... i'm not sure but he may have had a jack knife at me too...
i didnt start to remember, until years later. when i hit puberty and i realized there was sumthing different about me... i knew stuff... and then i'd be with a boy and it would come flashing back in flash backs... and i remembered again...
i never told anybody until i met my best friend mary. turns out, she was molested too..and we both kept it secret...
i have a theory.....it is spiritual...
when you are molested, there is an evil inside that person who molests you. that evil leaves a mark on you... and evil calls out to evil and it can lead other molesters to you...
but that evil also leaves a mark on your soul, that those people who have been molested recognize on a spiritual level and soul calls out to soul and you connect and usually a bond is formed...
mary and i... bonded. we were friends and we kept our secrets... she never knew who, she never knew what, she only knew i had been molested and thats all i knew about her molestation too...
i never told another soul until i met frank. i told him everything...
turns out he knew who i wa stalking about.
the boy from up the street, the same one who had threatened me was eventually caught many years later...molesting his nephew and niece... he was sent to jail...
i was devastated. some part of me still feel responsible. if i had reported him..maybe he never would have molested them...
some part of me will always feel that guilt.
it took me years to feel like i was not garbage. i do have one thing to thank for what happened...it made me cherish the fact i'd never had intercourse. done other things, not intercourse. it made me guard it till i was married... i still fooled around with boys..but i never went all the way. that was sumthing special, other men had ruined me in all ways except my virginity...so i clung to it...
theres another theory, when u are molested you are introduced to an adult experience. and sumpart of you, loses that childhood. you never connect with children or teenagers after being molested...not on the same level.
i agree. i dated older boys. i had older friends. sum part of me just was not the same as those kids. i was more mature then them ina a way...
it still happened now, altho now that i an adult it is less evident cus as i get older i find more men who are as mature as me... that was not the case when i was in high school.. older people were all i was attracted too. the kid my age seems so immature and after frivolous things... i was different. and you never know what i mean unless u were molested too... sum part of you, dies. you lose yer childhood. when u find out what was done to you...you just...you skip ahead years.... you lose your childhood...
i try to cling to my innocence... i try t cling t having a soft heart and to having at times a childlike heart.... when people say i have a soft heart it is cus of what i went thru as a kid....
cus on top of this..i never had a home...i never had a place i belonged..least not for long...
see when i was 9 my dad married my step mom. she was mildly abusive... she'd spank me with a wooden spoon till it broke, then switch to a plastic one. it took me years by the way to let sumbody touch my ass without me wanting to deck em! she'd ground me in the wintertime by forcing me outside int he cold and snow and telling em i couldn't come in till supper. my friends parents would take pity on me. nobody ever called child services, lucky fer her! but that was a regular grounding for me. then by the time i was eleven she had a fight with dadf. i remember seeing her clothes all over the place and i remember her yelling.."its her or me!" she made him choose between me, and her. i lost. i confirmed years later, the "her" was not another woman, dad says it was me she was talking about.... dad says he thought he was doign what was best for me and my sister, that the therapist he saw said maybe i needed my mother and that was why i would act out... maybe. who knows, all i know is... i really dont know.
dad sent me and my sister to live with my mom ( my mom would only take the 2 of us) my mom, was no ready for kids. she thought of us as older then we were... and we spent a lot of time alone...
she had a boyfriend named Michael. he was not a dad by any means. didnt like small kids. but he was nice enuff to me and my sister, he just treated us older then we were too. and we ended up alone a lot.
my sister had friends she's spend time with and i had a friend across the street i spent a lot of time with. we made lunches together, sumtimes suppers...
mom and her boyfriend eventually split up.. not even a year after we moved in with mom.
turned out her boyfriend was fucking his best friends wife...
all the while, i see my dad maybe a few weekends here or there.... afterall he lives 4 hrs away in a another city...
my mom then immediately dated Pierre, the husband of the wife Michal had slept with. he became a part of my life ina food way when i was 13. he and my mom married
the hext 4 yrs, were amazing. i truly felt like i had a home. i had a dad and a mom in pierre. i had stability, despite the flashbacks... i think if it were not for him, i would have gone down a much worse path when it came to those flash backs. had i not had him as a healthy influence i know I'dve turned to drugs, alcohol, and slutiness.
but i met frank...and mommy dearest did not approve and rather then send me to a therapist or i dunno..talk...she just..kicked me out of the house...at 17. Pierre convinced her to let me back in. but then a few mths later the house was for sale and sold and while was still in grade 12 and not yet even legal enuff to vote or drink my mother tells me to find myself a place to live cus if not my stuff was going with or without me to where they were moving to a few provinces away... a normal mom, would have simply i dunno asked me to move up with them, or would have asked me if i was going to university residence, or even helped me find a place to live... but no..she kicked me out. pierre came to the rescue and found me a place to live with my then bf frank.
shortly after they moved away, we lost touch. my way of coping with mom kicked me out, was to make frank and his family my family. we stilt tried to meet up and tried to make things work but my mother always made me choose between frank and her..eventually frank won. unfortunately my dad's wife made me choose between frank and her too.. eventually i had my family thru my friends and my frank's family...
then we got married when i was 20 and then twice we split up because of weed and porn and lack of intimacy of all kinds (emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual) and then finally we divorced.
then i meet allan and you know about that stuff already.

you know what 2 things hurt the most about allan and me...
1) that he didnt have the balls to tell emily...
and 2) he never even fought to keep me. emily said "you and her are thru" and all he said was "ok". sure i was wanting it to end that night anyways but he didnt knwo that...he just said ...ok
wtf?????
you think if i was more then jst a fuck, he;d have begged to keep me...
if i was not a part time girlfreind ont he side liek he said..then he would have lovedme enuff to say..."hold it...lets work this out"
like last time...
but he didnt...
he just,,
"ok"
wtf?
really made e feel liek i was nuttin but good for a fuck... you know?
really made me feel..worthless...
whatever...
he aint worth the pain..
leats thats what i keep tellign myself...in hopes i'llbeleive it...cus i miss him and i still love him... and i'm trying to stay mad so that i can not love him... you know?
it aint workign so well..
and it isnt cus he can do no wrong...its cus...depite the wrong... i want to beelive he can do right...
fuck! i'm fucked!
i really got t get over him...fast. really fast...
know any good guys that want a rerlationship. oh wait, that was JB and i turned him down...cus i dont want to rebound...
aw fuck!
well i'm glad i relaise i didnt want to rebound....
rebounds are bad!!!!
never had a rebounfd tho so i dont knwo from experience...
i only knwo rebounds are bad cus thats what ppl tell me...

i cry

i may love him, but he'll never be let back into my heart

I do still ove him, but he's not all i need, he's not the only love i'll have. but every once in a while, i cry and i think of this song. he's not the one for me, i'll find him sumday. but for now, i cry for the memories of the one i loved with all my ehart... and who broke it. and he never intended too..least i dont think he did... awas it all justa lie, do my memories deceive me? was it all justa lie? i may love him, but he'll never be let back into my heart .... he is in the same page as frank now... full of regrets and lost love....
i'll get over him... its just moments of weakness when i think of songs like this that make me cry for him... and for me... and even, for emily...
i miss them both so very much...
i'm here but...i can't stay. i must get over him, even if i truly do not want to...
i must stop crying for him... but then i hear songs ike this and i feel the pang of heartache all over again and i remeber and i want those memories to fade away! cus its too much!
i'll get iver him..eventually..just as i got over frank...eventully....
and i'll hear a song liek this and i'll still cry....but eventually...it will just eb a sad memory and not a pang of heartache and a psychical pain in my chest..eventually i'll get over him and find another one...but for now, i fele the pain..and i cry....


i'm here
madlax (ost)
english translation lyrics

God will never forgive a lie like this
The moonlight beyond the window
Because of the sins for deceiving the memories
Even tomorrow becomes unclear
I'm here

It was probably mistaken from the beginning
Even sadness was predetermined
Yet I still miss that chest
I find myself crying

I want to express my feelings just once
In the dream where the warmth disappears

You're all I need
I want you to embrace me
I'm here, always, always

A moonlit night, a sigh that falls out
Shaking my fingers, I'll be waiting

When I was a child, I believed in god
The moonlight beyond the window
I fell in love with just one person
Believing in comforting each other
You are here
I'm here

You're all I need
I want you to be here
I can be happy
I'm sure, I'm sure

As if hugging a disconsolate heart
Cold fingertips
Eternally, eternally

Youre all I need
I want you to embrace me
I'm here, always, always

A moonlit night, the sigh that falls out
Shaking the fingers, I'll be waiting

Youre all I need
I'm here

A moonlit night