me

So, a strange thing happened today while i was watching the Easter passion play at church. I'm in the choir, so i get the benefit of watching pretty much the whole show .. great fer curiosity, bad fer the feet...Oh my feet! LOL
on a side note, getting lots of compliments... people arent used to seeing me in a skirt. am wearing a skirt. then theres the fact that i am wearing jewelery... another rare thing... and on top of that rarest of all things... make up... a lot of make up...
yeah...a very rare site.
LOl
funny i get lots of ppl telling me i look pretty...or cute. i've come to the general conclusion that the only person to ever say i looked "hot"...was Allan! LOL everybody else says... 'cute" or "pretty" or "lovely" lol
anyways.... i dont plan on wearing make up again any time soon... i'm sorry but i like my natural look... i enjoy that when a man kisses my skin..its my skin..and that when he sees my face...its mine, sure there might be a pimple, you see my freckles... and i'm not all "dolled up" but its me...
anyways back to the strange thought...
i started thinking about... my past....
weird... as Jesus is being crucified... my life was flying thru my mind..weird....
anyways

my first memory...is a pool. i remember swimming to the deep end. i remember there being no ropes to separate the shallow from deep end. i remember my arm bands sumhow coming off then.. bottom of the pool. i remember trying to swim back up for air, i remember the water filling my lungs. i remember seeing my father and my uncle dive from above... and then i remember dad saving me...
so my first memory is of drowning and my dad saving me. explains why time after time i let my dad mes-sup and always forgive him... anyways that off topic
next memory i have is not pleasant. yeah i know, like drowning is pleasant but trust me it is compared to this one...
my next memory that worth telling happened i think when i was 4, maybe 5 possibly 6. i was when i was in kindergarten. my parents were together. i was sent with my sister to a babysitter. she would take my sister and leave me behind with sum man. not her husband, too young. her son? a tenant? i guess i was too much of a handle so she'd leave me behind when she and my sister would go out...
that man, would make me put on a pair of panty hose....
and molest me.
i think that is why tot his day, it is rare i wear a skirt. cus usually u wear hose with a skirt, and sum part of me hates wearing hose cus of that memory.
he'd do stuff to me...
asking if i liked it.
it was weird. confusing.
he'd get me to wear the sitter's daughters hose. usually molest me in the sitter's daughter bedroom, or the bathroom.. and sumtimes he'd bring me downstairs to the basement apartment he lived in and do stuff there. i dont remember that apartment too well... maybe there were pictures taken? i am not sure. it is kind of a blur. but the upstairs bathroom i remember clear as day.... if i close my eyes and think on it...i can see the bedroom, i can see th bathroom, i cans ee the hose, and i can remember laying down on the floor.... i can still hear his voice... not old. twenties? thirties? the sitter was old, in her sixties so i'm told...
i do not know how long it went on for...i assume for as long as i was babysat there... i never did anything to him....he always did stuff to me...
then, my parent divorced and my dad got custody. and i spent more time at home. there was a boy at the top of the street, i was friend with him, i was less then 9 yrs old. he was in his late teens. he lived with family....
i remember he used to take me to the shed in his yard, and french kiss me. i had stuff done to me when i was little as i explained, so i didnt fight back...i assume cus maybe the man at my sitters who moleste m e before had kissed me? who knows. point is i didnt fight. i wish i had, maybe then it would have prevented what happened. if i had fought back... i should have....part of me has always wondered why i didnt fight back. part of me, will always not fight men off even in adulthood... this kissing was harmless enuff compared to the molestation before but then things escalated...
sumbody else became involved...
older... an uncle? a father?
whoever it was, the boy would lead me into a bedroom and there he'd be..spwaled out, naked..waiting...
he;d get me to do stuff...
theres a reason allan and frank commented on my blow job skills...
i had lots of practice at a very young age....
unfortunately...
i know you wonder why i would get into this person house and how? well, it was a different time. my dad was very trusting and back then, child molestation was not sumthing many people talked about or were even aware of... my dad thought he knew this family up th street. thought he could trust htem. and they would call and invite me over ...usually with the lure of sumthing i'd like...
elvis or michael jackson movies..
yeah i know...
fer sum kids it was candy..
for me it was elvis and michael jackson...
and for covers sake, we would watch the movies in question...
i still get flashbacks of that house, that man, that boy. sumtimes it is when i hear a certain phrase... or see sumthing...or hear sumthing...
i can still see one of the bedrooms. i can see the bed as i walk in...i can see the man... and i can see his... anyways.. i can see all of him...
it all stopped when when my dad married my step mom it stopped. he was too paranoid to let me go into anybody else home unless she was there..thats good. turns out, step mom was molested too as a kid... in this case, the phrase "paranoia will destroy ya" doesnt apply.." paranoia will save ya" and then his family eventually moved away...
i remember one time trying to tell my best friend Robbie about it. this was after the family had moved away. Robbie told the boy in the family cus they were friends and still in contact. he'd only moved a short ways away, to a new home in the area. far enuff away from me to know stay in contact with me but still able to be in contact with his friend like Robbie. one day that boy came back to visit robbie and he found me... and he pulled me aside in the nearby woods and said to me... if i ever told a soul about what had happened at his house, he'd kill me.
after that i didnt remember much. i put it out of my mind. i forgot. what he said scared me enuff to make me forget... he was in my face, i cld see his teeth and his voce was dead serious... i'm not sure but he may have had a jack knife at me too...
i didnt start to remember, until years later. when i hit puberty and i realized there was sumthing different about me... i knew stuff... and then i'd be with a boy and it would come flashing back in flash backs... and i remembered again...
i never told anybody until i met my best friend mary. turns out, she was molested too..and we both kept it secret...
i have a theory.....it is spiritual...
when you are molested, there is an evil inside that person who molests you. that evil leaves a mark on you... and evil calls out to evil and it can lead other molesters to you...
but that evil also leaves a mark on your soul, that those people who have been molested recognize on a spiritual level and soul calls out to soul and you connect and usually a bond is formed...
mary and i... bonded. we were friends and we kept our secrets... she never knew who, she never knew what, she only knew i had been molested and thats all i knew about her molestation too...
i never told another soul until i met frank. i told him everything...
turns out he knew who i wa stalking about.
the boy from up the street, the same one who had threatened me was eventually caught many years later...molesting his nephew and niece... he was sent to jail...
i was devastated. some part of me still feel responsible. if i had reported him..maybe he never would have molested them...
some part of me will always feel that guilt.
it took me years to feel like i was not garbage. i do have one thing to thank for what happened...it made me cherish the fact i'd never had intercourse. done other things, not intercourse. it made me guard it till i was married... i still fooled around with boys..but i never went all the way. that was sumthing special, other men had ruined me in all ways except my virginity...so i clung to it...
theres another theory, when u are molested you are introduced to an adult experience. and sumpart of you, loses that childhood. you never connect with children or teenagers after being molested...not on the same level.
i agree. i dated older boys. i had older friends. sum part of me just was not the same as those kids. i was more mature then them ina a way...
it still happened now, altho now that i an adult it is less evident cus as i get older i find more men who are as mature as me... that was not the case when i was in high school.. older people were all i was attracted too. the kid my age seems so immature and after frivolous things... i was different. and you never know what i mean unless u were molested too... sum part of you, dies. you lose yer childhood. when u find out what was done to you...you just...you skip ahead years.... you lose your childhood...
i try to cling to my innocence... i try t cling t having a soft heart and to having at times a childlike heart.... when people say i have a soft heart it is cus of what i went thru as a kid....
cus on top of this..i never had a home...i never had a place i belonged..least not for long...
see when i was 9 my dad married my step mom. she was mildly abusive... she'd spank me with a wooden spoon till it broke, then switch to a plastic one. it took me years by the way to let sumbody touch my ass without me wanting to deck em! she'd ground me in the wintertime by forcing me outside int he cold and snow and telling em i couldn't come in till supper. my friends parents would take pity on me. nobody ever called child services, lucky fer her! but that was a regular grounding for me. then by the time i was eleven she had a fight with dadf. i remember seeing her clothes all over the place and i remember her yelling.."its her or me!" she made him choose between me, and her. i lost. i confirmed years later, the "her" was not another woman, dad says it was me she was talking about.... dad says he thought he was doign what was best for me and my sister, that the therapist he saw said maybe i needed my mother and that was why i would act out... maybe. who knows, all i know is... i really dont know.
dad sent me and my sister to live with my mom ( my mom would only take the 2 of us) my mom, was no ready for kids. she thought of us as older then we were... and we spent a lot of time alone...
she had a boyfriend named Michael. he was not a dad by any means. didnt like small kids. but he was nice enuff to me and my sister, he just treated us older then we were too. and we ended up alone a lot.
my sister had friends she's spend time with and i had a friend across the street i spent a lot of time with. we made lunches together, sumtimes suppers...
mom and her boyfriend eventually split up.. not even a year after we moved in with mom.
turned out her boyfriend was fucking his best friends wife...
all the while, i see my dad maybe a few weekends here or there.... afterall he lives 4 hrs away in a another city...
my mom then immediately dated Pierre, the husband of the wife Michal had slept with. he became a part of my life ina food way when i was 13. he and my mom married
the hext 4 yrs, were amazing. i truly felt like i had a home. i had a dad and a mom in pierre. i had stability, despite the flashbacks... i think if it were not for him, i would have gone down a much worse path when it came to those flash backs. had i not had him as a healthy influence i know I'dve turned to drugs, alcohol, and slutiness.
but i met frank...and mommy dearest did not approve and rather then send me to a therapist or i dunno..talk...she just..kicked me out of the house...at 17. Pierre convinced her to let me back in. but then a few mths later the house was for sale and sold and while was still in grade 12 and not yet even legal enuff to vote or drink my mother tells me to find myself a place to live cus if not my stuff was going with or without me to where they were moving to a few provinces away... a normal mom, would have simply i dunno asked me to move up with them, or would have asked me if i was going to university residence, or even helped me find a place to live... but no..she kicked me out. pierre came to the rescue and found me a place to live with my then bf frank.
shortly after they moved away, we lost touch. my way of coping with mom kicked me out, was to make frank and his family my family. we stilt tried to meet up and tried to make things work but my mother always made me choose between frank and her..eventually frank won. unfortunately my dad's wife made me choose between frank and her too.. eventually i had my family thru my friends and my frank's family...
then we got married when i was 20 and then twice we split up because of weed and porn and lack of intimacy of all kinds (emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual) and then finally we divorced.
then i meet allan and you know about that stuff already.