Soul ties

Last night, I went to a friends place after talking with emily and allan....
yeah. I had it out with allan. we'd talked before, and that was mostly me letting into him but this time... i wanted a reason as to why he did it. hid me from emily.
answer... he had dug himself a hole and just didnt kno how to tell her. he was confused. he was scared he'd lose it all..
fine.... it still isnt a reason as to why he didnt tell her as soon as it happened....anyways.... i didnt get my answer but i did get... well..
we talked about his "pattern" of hiding shit.... and got a few holes knocked in my theory... which was good. he has hidden shit b4, but just never a whole woman b4... which made me feel better. like he wasnt sum monster player...
and i dont hate him. but i am angry and hrt by him..
but after last night..
i see just how lost he is...
he is lost.
plain and simple.
and he is scared.
and i honestly feel sorry for him...
i'm still angry at him. and hurt.
i told him point blank... love is respect, honesty, honor, and being true to your heart... and he was none of these. and emily, agreed with me and said that why she has taken off her rings....
i wish i could help, but not this time. i cannnot...
i'm sorry for him, part of me still loves him, but i'm also hurt and angry at him.... and just not willing to go back.
i wont ever let hm back into my life... need to do what i did with frank... if i see him at a mutual freinds well then that is fine, we have mutual friends but... i cant have him as a friend... ever.
my friend i saw after talking with allan said she wanted me to pray sumthing...
"lord, I have been with this man and I have bonded with him. we have a soul tie. I pray that you break the soul tie between us and fill it with you instead. amen"
I couldnt pray that...
the words just would not come out...
cus part of me still just does not want to let go... hence the no alone contact....
so instead, i prayed to god that i could eventually say them.... cus even right now i say no to him being in my life but some part of me... i just, i will not indulge that part of me.... i was nearly destroyed because of this affair....
and besides, Allan says what he did , the whole affair, there were emotions involved and love and well... he dint respect me. he was not honest with me int hat eh said he'd tell her and he never did, did not honor me and he was not true to me.... so i can't call what he did... love.
can i?
he'll deny that tooth and nail but seriously... can you call what he did love when he didn't do any of those 4 things....
i dont doubt the 2 yrs we were together b4 the affair. that much i do not doubt any longer. that was love and not an illusion..but the affair...

anyways... i gtg. id dint get to sleep till 5am and i woke up constantly so i am drained...
an i feel like i am going to throw up...
and i feel a huge headache
and i feel like i want to crawl in a hole and cry all day....
i didnt cry last night... i was too angry...
but i may cry today....
all alone of course
ha.