UNTITLED
DESPITE HOW I FEEL,
I HAVE TO STAY STRONG,
RESIST THE TEMPTAION
TO RUN AWAY
AND HIDE.
I HAVE TO BE STRONG.
ITS NOT EASY,
STARTING OVER.
ITS FRIGHTENING.
BUT I HAVE FREINDS,
AND LOVED ONES...
TO GUIDE ME THRU.
AND DESPITE ANY
TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT,
OR EVEN PAIN...
ITS ALL WORTHWHILE.
I NEED TO GO ON,
LIVING LIFE ALONE IS NOT ENUFF...
NOT ANYMORE.
I KNOW THAT THERES MORE.
MY ANGEL IN DISGUISE,
AND MY FAMILY AND FIRENDS...
THEY'LL HELP ME ALONG....
THEY'LL KEEP ME STRONG
I NEED TO BREAK FREE...
I NEED TO BE ME.
WITHEN TEMPTATION: PALE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4s-bSvsmiRQ&feature=PlayList&p=EF9744A5CDC721BE&index=14
LYRICS:
The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.
Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
But time, new love, and Jesus heal all wounds
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
feelings, annoying and true....
"Shall I be alone again?"
Fighting off the darkness inside
I feel it creep in
and pulls me down
i am left with nothing.
I twist and scream in pure agony
as i watch myself destroy everything
i hold dear.
I am a destroyer.
and bringer of woe.
MY life perhaps is best spent alone
No hurt or pain to anyone
save myself...
I can live with that.
"she"
The pain i feel is too real.
Too much.
I want to run away.
Leave me be.
I do not want to deal with you.
not now.
now ever.
You frighten me.
Go away.
just go.
"At the bar"
I am a contradiction.
happy and sad
angry and complacent.
I love and hate myself.
regrets are annoying things.
they bog me down and steal my joy.
Go away now. I want to be happy.
But they dont.
and i am left,
a mess.
a pile of contradictions.
"Untitled"
my biggest fear is not t be alone
I can be happy alone.
Theres nobody you hurt
when you're alone
No,
My biggest fear is hurting those
I love.
perhaps that is why i do not mind being alone
If i am alone,
whom can i hurt?
But it is such a sad life.
a shadow of an existence.
Tis better to chance it.
Better to be hurt
or to hurt
then be void of all feelings.
"I ____ you"
I am so scared.
I know what i am like.
I am afraid i'll push you away.
i'm afraid i'll hurt you.
Thats all i ever do.
Hurt.
And i care too deeply about you.
I dont dare say the words,
once they're said they can never be taken back.
Is it too soon?
I hold them for now,
keep them close to my heart until the time is right.
Until i know you are ready to hear them.
Until I am ready to say them.
They are too precious to be thrown about.
I am so scared I'll hurt you
Thats all i ever do.
Hurt.
And you are so dear to me i dare not chance it.
I feel like pulling away.
to keep from hurting you.
But i can't.
I feel too much.... for you
when you're ready,
when i'm ready... i'll tell you.
Fighting off the darkness inside
I feel it creep in
and pulls me down
i am left with nothing.
I twist and scream in pure agony
as i watch myself destroy everything
i hold dear.
I am a destroyer.
and bringer of woe.
MY life perhaps is best spent alone
No hurt or pain to anyone
save myself...
I can live with that.
"she"
The pain i feel is too real.
Too much.
I want to run away.
Leave me be.
I do not want to deal with you.
not now.
now ever.
You frighten me.
Go away.
just go.
"At the bar"
I am a contradiction.
happy and sad
angry and complacent.
I love and hate myself.
regrets are annoying things.
they bog me down and steal my joy.
Go away now. I want to be happy.
But they dont.
and i am left,
a mess.
a pile of contradictions.
"Untitled"
my biggest fear is not t be alone
I can be happy alone.
Theres nobody you hurt
when you're alone
No,
My biggest fear is hurting those
I love.
perhaps that is why i do not mind being alone
If i am alone,
whom can i hurt?
But it is such a sad life.
a shadow of an existence.
Tis better to chance it.
Better to be hurt
or to hurt
then be void of all feelings.
"I ____ you"
I am so scared.
I know what i am like.
I am afraid i'll push you away.
i'm afraid i'll hurt you.
Thats all i ever do.
Hurt.
And i care too deeply about you.
I dont dare say the words,
once they're said they can never be taken back.
Is it too soon?
I hold them for now,
keep them close to my heart until the time is right.
Until i know you are ready to hear them.
Until I am ready to say them.
They are too precious to be thrown about.
I am so scared I'll hurt you
Thats all i ever do.
Hurt.
And you are so dear to me i dare not chance it.
I feel like pulling away.
to keep from hurting you.
But i can't.
I feel too much.... for you
when you're ready,
when i'm ready... i'll tell you.
Another day......
I'm having a rough week again. And its nobody's fault but my own. Got some demons to fight inside....and they're not easy. I went out this weekend. I have b4 but this time I went out w/ My friend Vivian. i asked her out, for the record. and i would have gone alone had she said no.
She wanted to go to a popular bar known for its shall we say "fun" military guys and "loose" women. No problem, been there b4 and held my own, danced, and went home. figured it'd be the same
not this time.
A complete stranger came up to me on the dance floorjust tolet you know, In one hour i'd already had 1 rev, a bud light, a sling, and a purple haze.... needess to say i was a bit hazy.
I never liked drinking because of my fear that i would loose all control and start wanting to fuck every guy in sight. i was always worried "she" would come out to play. but I started drinking once and a while w/ some of my friends i trusted and kep it cool and nothing bad happened soi figured this night i cld still handle my liquor.
nope. not that night. getting back to the guy...
so complete stranger walks up to me. we're bumping and grinding like the "teeny boppers" do.... and nxt theing i know he's all over me, and me over him. I didnt know his name. Can't remeber his face. I just know he was hot and muscled and he wanted me... he was a military man (being a pure bred brat even drunk i can spot a military man a mile away) i almost went out of the bar and home w/ him. I stopped myself shy of the door. he clued in i wasnt going.... so he led me to the bathroom..... where i finally decided enuff was enuff somwhow slipped away and high tailed it out the bar around the corner and back into the bar to beg vivian to go home (i wasnt walking alone or leaving her alone). she was pissed ( she still wanted to play) but i knew if i stayed the nxt time i wouldnt be able to stop myself...a nd that wld be bad.
I can still feel his kisses on my neck. his hand up my shirt and the other trying to reach down my pants. I can feel his hand leading my hand down.... i feel him all over me and me over him..... and i feel disgusted.
Not very christlike to make out w/a stanger in a bar. unless you base your faith of of the Jesus from Jesus Christ superstar or sumthin....
I have a "hickey" on my neck as a daily reminder of my stupidity. I knew "she" was coming out to play. I keep her under good control. and this time she came out way too much!
I just feel like i lost something in that bar that night. I feel like something was lost and can never be regained.
And i dont feel guilty because of Allen (altho i'm sure it can't have made him happy to know i almost fucked a guy i didnt know from a hole in the ground) but it was all about me. Who i am and how i see myself. I am not that kinda gal. I love myself and care too much to live a lifestyle of one night stands and drunken make out sessions....or so i thought....
and also.... I know God would be so ashamed of my actions. And thats what i have a hardest time dealing w/ everyday since then.
Nobody understands that. It's between me and God.
like i said, i am a christian. I beleive my faith is something that is not contained by 4 walls or a religion. It is a relationship w/ God. It is living in love (or trying to) i donlt judge others. I may not agree w/ their life choices, but i love them anyways. I do my best to understand ppl cus no offense i have no right to judge... only God can . I suppose thts why i dont feel hypocritical about being chrisitan and polyamourous.... because i dont judge others for their lifes and i love my God.
anyways lately my faith has waivered, cus of the whole divirce thing...and welll.... after this wknd it's taken a blow like never b4. I'm sorry but God wld not be going into a bar and make out w/a stranger.
I keep beating myself up. And I know God has forgiven me already. I know all i need to do is ask for hid forgiveness and its done. But i can't. I feel too unworthy. I feel like garbage.
I feel like after saturday night i am going down a road that i may not come back from. and i risk it all. I risk my health, i risk any chance of a relationship w/ allan or any otner guy for that matter, i risk my faith, i risk my sanity and well being..... and i'm scared. I'm terrified. I dont know if i can hold her back anylonger. I have to finally turn around and face her. she was always there... b4 i became christian (7 yrs ago) whenever she did come out to play at least i knew the guys name, i'd spent a few sober hours w/ the guy, and i never had full blown sex. petting, fingering, maybe a blow job... but never full blown sex. This stranger, this guy in the bar... i didnt care. He wanted me, i wanted him and i didnt care who he was, what he was doing to me, what we did or where we were going to do it.... not until i saw those bar doors, then i shook myself outta my drunken stuper and clued into the fact that i was doing sumthing real stupid.
I just, I'm having a real ruff time dealing w/ this side of me.
Emily understands, she was int ehat lifestyle of one night stands and sex w/out love.... allen tried to understand like the good friend i kno and love him for, and vivian well she can't understand why i didnt "pick up"....
I have nobody to turn to now. I have to face this on my own..... b4 it consumes me.
I've never felt so scared, alone, or ashamed... never....
oh and did i mention I'm on my period. yeah so on top of all this i have nausea, cramps, diarrhea, and fatigue.... no bitchiness tho. Have kept her in check.... but as for all the rest.....just great. actually i am staying home sick now. decided runninf to and fro from the bathroom and crying at the drop of a penny arent good things to do at work today....especially when i deal w/ angry ppl yelling at me all day...
"i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job."
if i say it enuff maybe i'll beleive it...
and "I love myself.i am not garbage.I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage."
gonna be a long week i think......
She wanted to go to a popular bar known for its shall we say "fun" military guys and "loose" women. No problem, been there b4 and held my own, danced, and went home. figured it'd be the same
not this time.
A complete stranger came up to me on the dance floorjust tolet you know, In one hour i'd already had 1 rev, a bud light, a sling, and a purple haze.... needess to say i was a bit hazy.
I never liked drinking because of my fear that i would loose all control and start wanting to fuck every guy in sight. i was always worried "she" would come out to play. but I started drinking once and a while w/ some of my friends i trusted and kep it cool and nothing bad happened soi figured this night i cld still handle my liquor.
nope. not that night. getting back to the guy...
so complete stranger walks up to me. we're bumping and grinding like the "teeny boppers" do.... and nxt theing i know he's all over me, and me over him. I didnt know his name. Can't remeber his face. I just know he was hot and muscled and he wanted me... he was a military man (being a pure bred brat even drunk i can spot a military man a mile away) i almost went out of the bar and home w/ him. I stopped myself shy of the door. he clued in i wasnt going.... so he led me to the bathroom..... where i finally decided enuff was enuff somwhow slipped away and high tailed it out the bar around the corner and back into the bar to beg vivian to go home (i wasnt walking alone or leaving her alone). she was pissed ( she still wanted to play) but i knew if i stayed the nxt time i wouldnt be able to stop myself...a nd that wld be bad.
I can still feel his kisses on my neck. his hand up my shirt and the other trying to reach down my pants. I can feel his hand leading my hand down.... i feel him all over me and me over him..... and i feel disgusted.
Not very christlike to make out w/a stanger in a bar. unless you base your faith of of the Jesus from Jesus Christ superstar or sumthin....
I have a "hickey" on my neck as a daily reminder of my stupidity. I knew "she" was coming out to play. I keep her under good control. and this time she came out way too much!
I just feel like i lost something in that bar that night. I feel like something was lost and can never be regained.
And i dont feel guilty because of Allen (altho i'm sure it can't have made him happy to know i almost fucked a guy i didnt know from a hole in the ground) but it was all about me. Who i am and how i see myself. I am not that kinda gal. I love myself and care too much to live a lifestyle of one night stands and drunken make out sessions....or so i thought....
and also.... I know God would be so ashamed of my actions. And thats what i have a hardest time dealing w/ everyday since then.
Nobody understands that. It's between me and God.
like i said, i am a christian. I beleive my faith is something that is not contained by 4 walls or a religion. It is a relationship w/ God. It is living in love (or trying to) i donlt judge others. I may not agree w/ their life choices, but i love them anyways. I do my best to understand ppl cus no offense i have no right to judge... only God can . I suppose thts why i dont feel hypocritical about being chrisitan and polyamourous.... because i dont judge others for their lifes and i love my God.
anyways lately my faith has waivered, cus of the whole divirce thing...and welll.... after this wknd it's taken a blow like never b4. I'm sorry but God wld not be going into a bar and make out w/a stranger.
I keep beating myself up. And I know God has forgiven me already. I know all i need to do is ask for hid forgiveness and its done. But i can't. I feel too unworthy. I feel like garbage.
I feel like after saturday night i am going down a road that i may not come back from. and i risk it all. I risk my health, i risk any chance of a relationship w/ allan or any otner guy for that matter, i risk my faith, i risk my sanity and well being..... and i'm scared. I'm terrified. I dont know if i can hold her back anylonger. I have to finally turn around and face her. she was always there... b4 i became christian (7 yrs ago) whenever she did come out to play at least i knew the guys name, i'd spent a few sober hours w/ the guy, and i never had full blown sex. petting, fingering, maybe a blow job... but never full blown sex. This stranger, this guy in the bar... i didnt care. He wanted me, i wanted him and i didnt care who he was, what he was doing to me, what we did or where we were going to do it.... not until i saw those bar doors, then i shook myself outta my drunken stuper and clued into the fact that i was doing sumthing real stupid.
I just, I'm having a real ruff time dealing w/ this side of me.
Emily understands, she was int ehat lifestyle of one night stands and sex w/out love.... allen tried to understand like the good friend i kno and love him for, and vivian well she can't understand why i didnt "pick up"....
I have nobody to turn to now. I have to face this on my own..... b4 it consumes me.
I've never felt so scared, alone, or ashamed... never....
oh and did i mention I'm on my period. yeah so on top of all this i have nausea, cramps, diarrhea, and fatigue.... no bitchiness tho. Have kept her in check.... but as for all the rest.....just great. actually i am staying home sick now. decided runninf to and fro from the bathroom and crying at the drop of a penny arent good things to do at work today....especially when i deal w/ angry ppl yelling at me all day...
"i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job. i love my job."
if i say it enuff maybe i'll beleive it...
and "I love myself.i am not garbage.I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage. I love myself.i am not garbage."
gonna be a long week i think......
Sunday, October 28, 2007
today..yesterday... this past week!
Well, i havent had musch time online to blog.. perhaps that is why i have been so scatterbrained latlely? As if worrying about my fater wasn't enuff, no i have taken my sanity into question. alright, perhaps a tad bit melodramatic but still , what else am i supposed to think? I showed up 2 hrs early for work one day, another day i called in late when iw as actually 45 min early, still another day i thought it was Tuesday when it was monday, i have started biking towards my meetings only to stop mid road and wonder "where am i going again?", i have loct my train of thought mid sentence, and actually forgot when i was due in the church nursury (which i never do)..... WTF? I suppose i culd say my mind has been on things... like my father and my polyamourous relationship....
Still terrified Dad's gonna take a fucking heart attack! He is living w/ his thing of a woman wife (ie step mom) until she finds her own place. they're thru ( i am doin my best not to say it.... i'm trying... really am.... oh crap here it comes.....THANK GOD SHE'LL BE GONE SOON! I don;t want either of them to suffer, but i really have never liked that woman. I'm sorry but beating my ass w/a plastic spoon and grounding me outdoors in mid winnter tend to leave scars and make one sumehat dislike said person involed in the punishment)
but dad, i have been there... and its not easy. he says he's too old, and will be so alone... still... she's the source of his stress and she's under the same roof! I still get worked up when i think about her. she's literally killing my dad. I hope he takes his meds and starts taking care of himself. i have my lil brother to keep an eye on him thankfully... but still.... why do i have the feeling like he's slipping away, like he's givng up. i know he is not suicidal, he's too smart and strong for that... but still.... i worry. I just started to get to know my father again.... I pray eveynight that god doesnt take him away from me... not yet.
and am trying to relax around emily..... man, she intimidates me, and scares me too! when she's uncomfortable i get all ansey because i expect her to just say "allright, you're thru. i can't handle this, so go away and leave allen."
I knwo she has jelousy issues. I know. and i am trying to be understanding but its so fucking frustrating when its ok for her to cuddle him or stay up w/ him or ya know flirt or flaunt w/ him when i am in the same room ( and i really dont mind that at all....no jelousy... really.i am comfortable, i am polyamourous) but what really gets me going is that i feel like she is so senitive that i cant even cuddle w/ him when she's around and that Sumtimes i feel like she tries to stay up late because she is scared we'll fall asleep on the couch togehter or because she's jelous of our time togehter ( which is pretty much only after she goes to bed) or that she doent trust us not to have sex under the same roof. do you know how frustrating it is to be hornier then hell and emotionally attracted to a man and not be able to do fuck all?! I feel like she is so scraed of losing allen and i feel like she is so insecure in all this and it scares me. i am walking on eggshells and i feel like i have to get the hell outta dodge soon because if i don;t she's gonna shoot me! Thats why i have to get a place asap, i have an apt lined up hopefully funds pull thru.... and even if they dont i have to go soon . stilll....i am not lookign forward to moving out... at least here i see allen, when i get my own place i will see allen even less. God...I have become "emotionally invested" in this relationship..... i care so much for allen. I hope that maybe just maybe we (emily,allen, and i)wld i dunno... blend eventully? even if that was yrs away, i hope it. I mean, i welll... fuck can i say it now? i think i....i think i....well i dont think, i know it... i'm falling in love with allen. there i said it... i just can't say it to him... he'd probably freak and get scared off.....
man, its just that i just dont wanna be hurt. i know she'd NEVER do it intentionally....but i worry that she'll tell us to call it quits and then i'm left in the centre by myself and w/ my heart broken because the man i cared for was taken away. I am happy as long as she's happy... but i can''t handle her jelousy. its driving me insane! the other night we came home late and were quiet downstairs. she made the rule it was ok for us to make love, just not while she was home or uder same roof. we asked her if we cld go ona date and so we'd gone out for few hours and eventually found a spot and made love. It was magical. and it was midnight when we came home. we were as quiet as cld be. iwatched tv and allen was by the computer fixing his glasses.... we were doing nothing but whispering so as not to wake emily and well emily actually was still awake (she was so worked up she clouldnt sleep) when we got hoem so anyways about 20 min after getting home she came downstairs and glared at me and said "you're being too quiet" to me (perfect timing, allen had just gone into the bathroom) so i joked abut it , but it still hurt. i mean was she worried we fell asleep (not w/ that glare she gave....) no she was jelous of us being alone togehter and probaby thought we were fooling around! she basically accused me and allen of having sex or sumthing.... it was all in the voice and the glare. i feel like i can't win or lose w/ her! like i try to do right and it's wrong! like i try to be sensitive but she in turn is not giving ground or in turn being sensitive and if anything she's taking i step forward and 10 steps back!
then theres church! the ex (aka putz) met me at the doors sunday...awkward. then theres the rumour mill that has started because of the divorce. ya know, I think of myself as a born again christian . thankfully i am not judgmental... if i were, would i consider polyamoury? :) I know my faith is not dependant upon 4 walls but rather a relationship w/ jesus. so if i get kicked outta church because of my relationships, so be it. Jesus is not defined or confined to a particular denomination. anyways, there are rotten apples in any bunch, and the rotten aples are the gossip gals.... they make church life for me so awkward. that and i feel like some ppl thinking have a plagues, "she's divorced" and just dunno what to say or do around me. and sum seem to keep insisting that me and my ex may yet save our marriage... ummmm, no. even if he overcomes the weed, stops liking 14 yr olds (yeah, sick...), and actually genuinly changes the way he treats women... still no chance.... i left him twice, not gonna go back again.... what a jerk!
agh, i'll be glad when thsi stiuff all calms down! I can only handle my scatterbrainedness so much!
Still terrified Dad's gonna take a fucking heart attack! He is living w/ his thing of a woman wife (ie step mom) until she finds her own place. they're thru ( i am doin my best not to say it.... i'm trying... really am.... oh crap here it comes.....THANK GOD SHE'LL BE GONE SOON! I don;t want either of them to suffer, but i really have never liked that woman. I'm sorry but beating my ass w/a plastic spoon and grounding me outdoors in mid winnter tend to leave scars and make one sumehat dislike said person involed in the punishment)
but dad, i have been there... and its not easy. he says he's too old, and will be so alone... still... she's the source of his stress and she's under the same roof! I still get worked up when i think about her. she's literally killing my dad. I hope he takes his meds and starts taking care of himself. i have my lil brother to keep an eye on him thankfully... but still.... why do i have the feeling like he's slipping away, like he's givng up. i know he is not suicidal, he's too smart and strong for that... but still.... i worry. I just started to get to know my father again.... I pray eveynight that god doesnt take him away from me... not yet.
and am trying to relax around emily..... man, she intimidates me, and scares me too! when she's uncomfortable i get all ansey because i expect her to just say "allright, you're thru. i can't handle this, so go away and leave allen."
I knwo she has jelousy issues. I know. and i am trying to be understanding but its so fucking frustrating when its ok for her to cuddle him or stay up w/ him or ya know flirt or flaunt w/ him when i am in the same room ( and i really dont mind that at all....no jelousy... really.i am comfortable, i am polyamourous) but what really gets me going is that i feel like she is so senitive that i cant even cuddle w/ him when she's around and that Sumtimes i feel like she tries to stay up late because she is scared we'll fall asleep on the couch togehter or because she's jelous of our time togehter ( which is pretty much only after she goes to bed) or that she doent trust us not to have sex under the same roof. do you know how frustrating it is to be hornier then hell and emotionally attracted to a man and not be able to do fuck all?! I feel like she is so scraed of losing allen and i feel like she is so insecure in all this and it scares me. i am walking on eggshells and i feel like i have to get the hell outta dodge soon because if i don;t she's gonna shoot me! Thats why i have to get a place asap, i have an apt lined up hopefully funds pull thru.... and even if they dont i have to go soon . stilll....i am not lookign forward to moving out... at least here i see allen, when i get my own place i will see allen even less. God...I have become "emotionally invested" in this relationship..... i care so much for allen. I hope that maybe just maybe we (emily,allen, and i)wld i dunno... blend eventully? even if that was yrs away, i hope it. I mean, i welll... fuck can i say it now? i think i....i think i....well i dont think, i know it... i'm falling in love with allen. there i said it... i just can't say it to him... he'd probably freak and get scared off.....
man, its just that i just dont wanna be hurt. i know she'd NEVER do it intentionally....but i worry that she'll tell us to call it quits and then i'm left in the centre by myself and w/ my heart broken because the man i cared for was taken away. I am happy as long as she's happy... but i can''t handle her jelousy. its driving me insane! the other night we came home late and were quiet downstairs. she made the rule it was ok for us to make love, just not while she was home or uder same roof. we asked her if we cld go ona date and so we'd gone out for few hours and eventually found a spot and made love. It was magical. and it was midnight when we came home. we were as quiet as cld be. iwatched tv and allen was by the computer fixing his glasses.... we were doing nothing but whispering so as not to wake emily and well emily actually was still awake (she was so worked up she clouldnt sleep) when we got hoem so anyways about 20 min after getting home she came downstairs and glared at me and said "you're being too quiet" to me (perfect timing, allen had just gone into the bathroom) so i joked abut it , but it still hurt. i mean was she worried we fell asleep (not w/ that glare she gave....) no she was jelous of us being alone togehter and probaby thought we were fooling around! she basically accused me and allen of having sex or sumthing.... it was all in the voice and the glare. i feel like i can't win or lose w/ her! like i try to do right and it's wrong! like i try to be sensitive but she in turn is not giving ground or in turn being sensitive and if anything she's taking i step forward and 10 steps back!
then theres church! the ex (aka putz) met me at the doors sunday...awkward. then theres the rumour mill that has started because of the divorce. ya know, I think of myself as a born again christian . thankfully i am not judgmental... if i were, would i consider polyamoury? :) I know my faith is not dependant upon 4 walls but rather a relationship w/ jesus. so if i get kicked outta church because of my relationships, so be it. Jesus is not defined or confined to a particular denomination. anyways, there are rotten apples in any bunch, and the rotten aples are the gossip gals.... they make church life for me so awkward. that and i feel like some ppl thinking have a plagues, "she's divorced" and just dunno what to say or do around me. and sum seem to keep insisting that me and my ex may yet save our marriage... ummmm, no. even if he overcomes the weed, stops liking 14 yr olds (yeah, sick...), and actually genuinly changes the way he treats women... still no chance.... i left him twice, not gonna go back again.... what a jerk!
agh, i'll be glad when thsi stiuff all calms down! I can only handle my scatterbrainedness so much!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
TODAY'S THEME SONGS
Fuck off church folks who wanna poke into my life.. it's mine.....LEAVE ME ALONE! lol! heres my special theme song just for the ppl who don't knwo when to just buzz off
SALT 'N PEPA: NON OF YOUR BUSINESS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4G3UV1qsOY
LYRICS:
What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out
[CHORUS]
If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business
Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...
I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business
(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)
[CHORUS]
How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone
Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business
[CHORUS]
So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again...
OK NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT :) HERES MY OTHER THEME SONG
MARTINA MCBRIDE: DO IT ANYWAYS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0DlaJ7g6yc
LYRICS:
SALT 'N PEPA: NON OF YOUR BUSINESS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4G3UV1qsOY
LYRICS:
What's the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don't keep sweatin' what I do
Cuz I'm gonna be just fine - check it out
[CHORUS]
If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It's none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It's none of your business
Now you shouldn't even get into who I'm givin' skins to
It's none of your business
So don't try to change my mind, I'll tell you one more time
It's none of your business
Now who do you think you are
Puttin' your cheap two cents in?
Don't you got nothin' to do
Than worry 'bout my friends? Check it...
I can't do nothin', girl, without somebody buggin'
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn't
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion's are like assholes and everybody's got one
I never put my nose where I'm not supposed to
Believe me, if he's something that I want, I'm steppin' closer
I'm not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain't nothin' but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You're poppin' all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don't give a shit cuz really it's none of your business
(1993, S and P, packin' and mackin'
Bamboozlin' and smackin' suckers with this track
Throw the beat back in!)
[CHORUS]
How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don't mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that's ok cuz I don't let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody's clockin'
Don't ask me nothin', will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who's the guy that I took home...to bone
Ok, Miss Thing never givin' up skins
If you don't like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep's got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like a penny cent trick deck of cards
No, I ain't hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain't scarred, and I don't dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho - check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep's ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business
[CHORUS]
So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There's only one true judge, and that's God
So chill, and let my Father do His job
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again
Cuz Salt and Pepa's got it swingin' again...
OK NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT :) HERES MY OTHER THEME SONG
MARTINA MCBRIDE: DO IT ANYWAYS
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0DlaJ7g6yc
LYRICS:
You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain�t good
And when I pray it doesnt always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway
This worlds gone crazy and its hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love em anyway
Repeat Chorus
You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they�ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream, I love, anyway
Saturday, October 13, 2007
todays theme songs and poems
I don't know how long this will last
or where this will go
But i know that you were sent,
and angel in disuise.
I hope for more
I long for more.
Deliver me.
Save me.
I want to be free.
I want this to last
but if it wont
I know that for a time you were sent
my angel in disguise.
DELIVER ME: Sarah Brightman
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr6cSAkbuQM&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.
EVEN IN ADULTHOOD
DIVORCE CAN SHAKE YOU UP.
JUST WHEN I WAS ON MY FEET
WHEN ONE PART OF MY LIFE WAS FEELING WHOLE
AND HEALED
THEN THIS ALL LEAVES ME
BLOWN AWAY
AND LEFT WITH THE DESIRE
TO HIDE AGAIN
CUS I JUST CAN'T DEAL.
LINKIN PARK: CRAWLING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-eAYHooUo
LYRICS:
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it`s haunting how i cant seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming,confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling,confusing what is real
or where this will go
But i know that you were sent,
and angel in disuise.
I hope for more
I long for more.
Deliver me.
Save me.
I want to be free.
I want this to last
but if it wont
I know that for a time you were sent
my angel in disguise.
DELIVER ME: Sarah Brightman
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr6cSAkbuQM&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.
EVEN IN ADULTHOOD
DIVORCE CAN SHAKE YOU UP.
JUST WHEN I WAS ON MY FEET
WHEN ONE PART OF MY LIFE WAS FEELING WHOLE
AND HEALED
THEN THIS ALL LEAVES ME
BLOWN AWAY
AND LEFT WITH THE DESIRE
TO HIDE AGAIN
CUS I JUST CAN'T DEAL.
LINKIN PARK: CRAWLING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9-eAYHooUo
LYRICS:
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it`s haunting how i cant seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming,confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling,confusing what is real
Saturday, October 6, 2007
oh dear god.......
shit...has...hit...the....fan...and fuck! i just called my dad to find out what time he wanted me over for dinner tomorrow ...dad started to cry and told me that he and his wife (stepmother who fits the stereo type) are "taking a break", or "giving space"
That woman should be happy she's not withen walking distance. i am that pissed, but just like sunday i will not stuff my anger... no i will vent and deal with it and i will do my father proud and not resort to violence.... here why i am pissed at her....
She had an affair.
I want to say so many things right now...... i'lll let the following express my feelings about her right now......
#$%^
~^~@#
@&**)*^%
#%%^*
(&*)(**()(&*&&*
^%~$@$$%^
~%$R@#!**&()
*)*(*)*()&*&^%$%^
~#!@$#$%^~%
^%~&(*&*)*(**
&&*&&(*%^~
$%^~#!%^~^^
^%^%%#@&*&)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there. I am still pissed tho, but thats fading now to a feeling of worry and whats the word....a feeling that sumthing really bads gona happen!
see my father suffers from an incurable heart condition. oddly enuff my condition is not considered heriditary even tho both our conditions were caused by damage left from viruses.... or so the doctors think. truth is they have flat out admitted they dont know how or why it happened ( yeah, dad and i have the same doctors. and they are blunt with us as per out request!) anyways.... his is a lot worse. mine caused damage to the valve, repairable but still not perfect....dad's whole heart is damamged and so now his heart functions at about 30% what it should. and right now he's in a lot of stress. i just listened to my father cry in deep sobs over the phone. i have never, ever , heard him cry like that. and then i heard another sound, i know it cus i've had it... catching his breath. his chest was tightening and he was hardly able to speak. i got him calmed down enuff to get off the phone to go see my brother who would take care of him.... i may be the eldest but my brother is the only son in the family and dad has unintentionally passed the deed of being #2 unto my brother. thank god for my brother.
that thing tho....shes gonna kill my dad. does she know that? he's in pain so much right now he actually said
"i just may do something everybody may regret"
so i told dad i respect him, i love him, he's a good person he has lots of ppl who love him and made him promise to see ryan (to get meds and what not) and he promised me he had an apointment to see a councillor asap. but stilll.....
I have never been so scared b4.I hate what that that thing is doing to him ( i wont call her a woman right now) worst part is...
my mother did the same thing to him.
he's in so much pain. Please god, watch over him. Don't let him die! or be hurt again! he's too good a person. why does sumthing like this happen to him twice! he's not perfect but he does not deserve this.... nobody does!
i love you dad... i hope for your sake she chooses you over that jerk off pig of a man who when shit hit the fan ran away!~ yeah you heard me, when dad confronted him he called the relationship shit and ran off.... my stepmother doesnt see him or my dad fot who they truly are.... dad as a special gift of love and jerk off as a pigish shadow of a cowardly man who only wanted to get into her pants.
much as i am pissed at her, i don't want her to go back to that guy. if she and dad separate, fine....but please thing just dont go back to jerk off! he's using you!
but hey, my problems look like nothing now and also I am no longer feeling lonely... no now i'm worried...and scared....
can i be lonely again please? i'd much rather feel that then this... or better yet... horny. yes i'd like to be horny please. and happy..... not scared and worried!
fuck!
Dad, don't die!
thing! smarten the hell up and open yor eyes and please do not be withen walking distance from me right now!
That woman should be happy she's not withen walking distance. i am that pissed, but just like sunday i will not stuff my anger... no i will vent and deal with it and i will do my father proud and not resort to violence.... here why i am pissed at her....
She had an affair.
I want to say so many things right now...... i'lll let the following express my feelings about her right now......
#$%^
~^~@#
@&**)*^%
#%%^*
(&*)(**()(&*&&*
^%~$@$$%^
~%$R@#!**&()
*)*(*)*()&*&^%$%^
~#!@$#$%^~%
^%~&(*&*)*(**
&&*&&(*%^~
$%^~#!%^~^^
^%^%%#@&*&)*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there. I am still pissed tho, but thats fading now to a feeling of worry and whats the word....a feeling that sumthing really bads gona happen!
see my father suffers from an incurable heart condition. oddly enuff my condition is not considered heriditary even tho both our conditions were caused by damage left from viruses.... or so the doctors think. truth is they have flat out admitted they dont know how or why it happened ( yeah, dad and i have the same doctors. and they are blunt with us as per out request!) anyways.... his is a lot worse. mine caused damage to the valve, repairable but still not perfect....dad's whole heart is damamged and so now his heart functions at about 30% what it should. and right now he's in a lot of stress. i just listened to my father cry in deep sobs over the phone. i have never, ever , heard him cry like that. and then i heard another sound, i know it cus i've had it... catching his breath. his chest was tightening and he was hardly able to speak. i got him calmed down enuff to get off the phone to go see my brother who would take care of him.... i may be the eldest but my brother is the only son in the family and dad has unintentionally passed the deed of being #2 unto my brother. thank god for my brother.
that thing tho....shes gonna kill my dad. does she know that? he's in pain so much right now he actually said
"i just may do something everybody may regret"
so i told dad i respect him, i love him, he's a good person he has lots of ppl who love him and made him promise to see ryan (to get meds and what not) and he promised me he had an apointment to see a councillor asap. but stilll.....
I have never been so scared b4.I hate what that that thing is doing to him ( i wont call her a woman right now) worst part is...
my mother did the same thing to him.
he's in so much pain. Please god, watch over him. Don't let him die! or be hurt again! he's too good a person. why does sumthing like this happen to him twice! he's not perfect but he does not deserve this.... nobody does!
i love you dad... i hope for your sake she chooses you over that jerk off pig of a man who when shit hit the fan ran away!~ yeah you heard me, when dad confronted him he called the relationship shit and ran off.... my stepmother doesnt see him or my dad fot who they truly are.... dad as a special gift of love and jerk off as a pigish shadow of a cowardly man who only wanted to get into her pants.
much as i am pissed at her, i don't want her to go back to that guy. if she and dad separate, fine....but please thing just dont go back to jerk off! he's using you!
but hey, my problems look like nothing now and also I am no longer feeling lonely... no now i'm worried...and scared....
can i be lonely again please? i'd much rather feel that then this... or better yet... horny. yes i'd like to be horny please. and happy..... not scared and worried!
fuck!
Dad, don't die!
thing! smarten the hell up and open yor eyes and please do not be withen walking distance from me right now!
con'td from last blog.....
well, not so much in a sad mood now. still feelin it tho. Its damn annoying all this! hmmmmm.... this wknd will be nice tho, and hard too. Allen, emily and family are going away for the night. I've said i'll have fun. i really will. i miss having time alone.... gonna take a bath, relax, watch movies till i fall alseep on the couch....
but the loneliness, she does creep in. I am getting the itch to start dating now, not sure tho. I kinda wanted to see where things went w/ allen, make sure we were on firm ground so to speak and also have my own place. as if i did start seeing sumbody i couldnt bring them here.... a) i am living in their basement and am not in a room, but a cornered off area separated by my dressers and blue cutains. and b)allen wld be right upstairs. breaking my rule. not while the other person is around. unless in a blended family. which i'm not.
so even tho allen and emily have said it was ok (we joked about it a few times) i coulndt. and i would be in the same boat now....with sumbody but not. i suppose i cld stay at that persons place, but that wld not be for sum time (gotta know and make sure s'all good) and so again, together but alone.
don't get me wrong, this is the one part that is getting me down. thr lack of time together and the feeling of not quite hiding but, well.... yeah the feeling for the need to hide. Theres tons of good tho! not gonna get off this train yet folks. I really hope this all works and we do end up as long term and maybe as a "family unit"....we three seem to be getting along just fine. and things w/ allen and i seem to be falling in place. I am comfortable w/ this polyamoury all except for the mentioned up above. (and below technically, the last post that is :)
eventually i want a family unit. a blended family. now that is a goal for polyamoury. so even if things dont work for long term between allen and i, i still have that same goal for polyamoury.
I am kinda freaked tho that i have these strong feeling so soon tho. but hey, half the battle for me is building the friendship and intimacy (emotionally) and since allen and i have been friends for so long.... its there already. but i am holding back. i dont want to scare him off, freak him out.
but they're there. and i can't deny that atho i have and always will have no regrets if things dont work....i know i'd still be heartbroken. as i really have fallen. he kept his word. a long while ago when i was just separated he said "if i ever decided to romance you,you'd never know what hit you" or "i'd sweep yo off you feet" or sumthing to that effect, and he has. i've fallen into his arms and i like it. a lot. it all just seems so right. this polyamoury, sharing, being connected mind body and soul.... feels so right. just wish i had more time and could be more free!
friendship first tho. he promised, if things go down hill... friendship first. and allen always does his best to keep promises.
fuck, man. i'm tired now. fell asleep for a while and woke up froma dream now ready to go back to bed i think.
speaking of dreams , had a cpl weird ones lately. gotta think them thru.
in one i'm on my couch with allen. then allens gone and thres this brown thing with a long nose...some kinda monster i supose, floating over me and it swoops down and starts pushing down on my chest. pushing and pushing till i can't breath....
then i wake up.
in the other allens family and my friends find out we're polyamourous and start freaking on me, not allen. not emily. on me. and eventually i'm surrounded an they're all yelling and hitting me and beating me to a pulp. and i'm screaming "let me speak" "stop" "wait" and i wake up.
have feeling they have to do w/ how i'm feeling now. that much is obvious. but what the hell does brown floating monster represent? and as for me yelling "let me speak" do i feel like i can't speak my mind about all this. I suppose i do. cus other then this blog, i havve 5 true friends. 2 are emily and allen, then there ruth, josephine, and mary. ruth i told i'm polyamouroous...just not with who (yet. as she would tear him apart. no really. she freaked when she heard i was polyamourous...) her reply was "sounds like an excuse to have sex w/ lotsa ppl at once" to which i replied "thats swinging. i said i was poly amourous. multiple loves/relationships. not multiple sex w/ no emotional attachments" still, she did not take it well and since she has been monitoring my roommates thru a magnifying glass (so imagine if she found out i was dating one....agh!) so we three decided to let her meet allen and emily as friends then after time tell her. ruth is a good friend, but pushy and too nosy sumtimes. way to nosy. she actually asked how much they make! my roomates salary....wtf? if she knew we were dating, then maybe that wld be ok, but no actually its not so hey! non of her business! so i told her to back off, none her business.
as for my other 2 friends..... ones in a completely different timezone and several days drive away. and mary, well... mary didnt even like the idea of me dating yet."you're still married." and she has a point. i mean allen knows my marriage has been over for like 2 yrs now unofficially and that i am over my ex and have officially separated am waiting for the divorce papers (several mths away). he knows the deal. but a new guy, may not understand. and still see me as married,. a legality. a technicality. that i wish would soon be over....
so i am left with no one to whom i can voice my concerns w/ except via this blog and emily and allen. they have ppl they can talk to... i'll make do w/my blog i suppose....
fuck! wish i could cuddle right now. even with my ex i slept alone. but at least our relationship was done for. allen is upstairs and i want to be wth him. I have no jelousy, no envy. actyually i am quite sensitive to emily always thinking of her firt, she comes first. if their relationship is tong then the polyamoury has a chance. if their relationship begins to suffer, its over thats that, she comes first. i know that. allen promised her that a long time ago when they first started and i am only too happy to oblige. emily and allens relationship have #1 priority in this little polyamourous ring circle, triangle...whatever!~ :) i
i just want more time with him is all. i get him for an hour or 2 a night, if that. and occasionally an hour in the mornings....
not nuff time.
i'll mention that to him. maybe we cls have a night alone every cpl wks. maybe nxt wknd we cld go out on night.... for a drive. a walk. just us. still wld have to be back by certain time b4 kids woke up.... but still if i set the alarm....
I love this feeling of wanting and waiting and feeling all mushy and goooey when i think about allen. and the strong feelings. the comfortableness of all this. the rightness.
but the loneliness, she does creep in. I am getting the itch to start dating now, not sure tho. I kinda wanted to see where things went w/ allen, make sure we were on firm ground so to speak and also have my own place. as if i did start seeing sumbody i couldnt bring them here.... a) i am living in their basement and am not in a room, but a cornered off area separated by my dressers and blue cutains. and b)allen wld be right upstairs. breaking my rule. not while the other person is around. unless in a blended family. which i'm not.
so even tho allen and emily have said it was ok (we joked about it a few times) i coulndt. and i would be in the same boat now....with sumbody but not. i suppose i cld stay at that persons place, but that wld not be for sum time (gotta know and make sure s'all good) and so again, together but alone.
don't get me wrong, this is the one part that is getting me down. thr lack of time together and the feeling of not quite hiding but, well.... yeah the feeling for the need to hide. Theres tons of good tho! not gonna get off this train yet folks. I really hope this all works and we do end up as long term and maybe as a "family unit"....we three seem to be getting along just fine. and things w/ allen and i seem to be falling in place. I am comfortable w/ this polyamoury all except for the mentioned up above. (and below technically, the last post that is :)
eventually i want a family unit. a blended family. now that is a goal for polyamoury. so even if things dont work for long term between allen and i, i still have that same goal for polyamoury.
I am kinda freaked tho that i have these strong feeling so soon tho. but hey, half the battle for me is building the friendship and intimacy (emotionally) and since allen and i have been friends for so long.... its there already. but i am holding back. i dont want to scare him off, freak him out.
but they're there. and i can't deny that atho i have and always will have no regrets if things dont work....i know i'd still be heartbroken. as i really have fallen. he kept his word. a long while ago when i was just separated he said "if i ever decided to romance you,you'd never know what hit you" or "i'd sweep yo off you feet" or sumthing to that effect, and he has. i've fallen into his arms and i like it. a lot. it all just seems so right. this polyamoury, sharing, being connected mind body and soul.... feels so right. just wish i had more time and could be more free!
friendship first tho. he promised, if things go down hill... friendship first. and allen always does his best to keep promises.
fuck, man. i'm tired now. fell asleep for a while and woke up froma dream now ready to go back to bed i think.
speaking of dreams , had a cpl weird ones lately. gotta think them thru.
in one i'm on my couch with allen. then allens gone and thres this brown thing with a long nose...some kinda monster i supose, floating over me and it swoops down and starts pushing down on my chest. pushing and pushing till i can't breath....
then i wake up.
in the other allens family and my friends find out we're polyamourous and start freaking on me, not allen. not emily. on me. and eventually i'm surrounded an they're all yelling and hitting me and beating me to a pulp. and i'm screaming "let me speak" "stop" "wait" and i wake up.
have feeling they have to do w/ how i'm feeling now. that much is obvious. but what the hell does brown floating monster represent? and as for me yelling "let me speak" do i feel like i can't speak my mind about all this. I suppose i do. cus other then this blog, i havve 5 true friends. 2 are emily and allen, then there ruth, josephine, and mary. ruth i told i'm polyamouroous...just not with who (yet. as she would tear him apart. no really. she freaked when she heard i was polyamourous...) her reply was "sounds like an excuse to have sex w/ lotsa ppl at once" to which i replied "thats swinging. i said i was poly amourous. multiple loves/relationships. not multiple sex w/ no emotional attachments" still, she did not take it well and since she has been monitoring my roommates thru a magnifying glass (so imagine if she found out i was dating one....agh!) so we three decided to let her meet allen and emily as friends then after time tell her. ruth is a good friend, but pushy and too nosy sumtimes. way to nosy. she actually asked how much they make! my roomates salary....wtf? if she knew we were dating, then maybe that wld be ok, but no actually its not so hey! non of her business! so i told her to back off, none her business.
as for my other 2 friends..... ones in a completely different timezone and several days drive away. and mary, well... mary didnt even like the idea of me dating yet."you're still married." and she has a point. i mean allen knows my marriage has been over for like 2 yrs now unofficially and that i am over my ex and have officially separated am waiting for the divorce papers (several mths away). he knows the deal. but a new guy, may not understand. and still see me as married,. a legality. a technicality. that i wish would soon be over....
so i am left with no one to whom i can voice my concerns w/ except via this blog and emily and allen. they have ppl they can talk to... i'll make do w/my blog i suppose....
fuck! wish i could cuddle right now. even with my ex i slept alone. but at least our relationship was done for. allen is upstairs and i want to be wth him. I have no jelousy, no envy. actyually i am quite sensitive to emily always thinking of her firt, she comes first. if their relationship is tong then the polyamoury has a chance. if their relationship begins to suffer, its over thats that, she comes first. i know that. allen promised her that a long time ago when they first started and i am only too happy to oblige. emily and allens relationship have #1 priority in this little polyamourous ring circle, triangle...whatever!~ :) i
i just want more time with him is all. i get him for an hour or 2 a night, if that. and occasionally an hour in the mornings....
not nuff time.
i'll mention that to him. maybe we cls have a night alone every cpl wks. maybe nxt wknd we cld go out on night.... for a drive. a walk. just us. still wld have to be back by certain time b4 kids woke up.... but still if i set the alarm....
I love this feeling of wanting and waiting and feeling all mushy and goooey when i think about allen. and the strong feelings. the comfortableness of all this. the rightness.
Friday, October 5, 2007
thought for today......
Well, trying my best to stay afloat. Trying not to slip into myself and cut everybody off like i usually do. Feel people getting close and i am feeling the itch more then ever to push them all away and just fade into myself again. Theres some comfort in being alone. no chance for hurt. no pain. just you and yourself.
but i can't do that.
not again.
But the temptation is always there, because no matter how hard i fight it the fear of abandonment is always there. especially when i'm on new territory. it was easy to be alone.... this, all this is not easy. I'm so afraid i'll screw up, like i always do. i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid to be hurt. and i'm just plain afraid.
at least i am today.
this feeling comes and goes. lately it's been a dull ache. something in the back of my mind and heart creeping around. as much as i feel like i belong, and as safe as i feel i am, that feeling creeps in. tells me to run away now while i still can. distance myself b4 i'm hurt.
Fighting this feeling is so hard on nights like tonight. actually its there most nights, when i'm alone in bed, or waking up to an alarm clock and a cat curled up by my side where a lover should be.
loneliness is sometimes the strongest when your with somebody. not sure what all this is, too soon to tell. least i know where i want it to go.... and all i can go is go with the flow and hope is goes where i want. the future is unknown. all i know is how i feel when i'm around him.... alive, free, like myself, open, comfortable, loved, strong, weak, safe, welcomed, wanted... connected. and i desperatly want more. i wish i could hold him and not have to worry are the kids near. i want to fall asleep on the couch cuddling and know that everything ok, i wont have to get up and leave b4 a certain time. I have really enjoyed our bus rides. when he woud put his arm around me as we rode to work together.... that was so nice.
but i can't do that.
not again.
But the temptation is always there, because no matter how hard i fight it the fear of abandonment is always there. especially when i'm on new territory. it was easy to be alone.... this, all this is not easy. I'm so afraid i'll screw up, like i always do. i'm afraid to fail. i'm afraid to be hurt. and i'm just plain afraid.
at least i am today.
this feeling comes and goes. lately it's been a dull ache. something in the back of my mind and heart creeping around. as much as i feel like i belong, and as safe as i feel i am, that feeling creeps in. tells me to run away now while i still can. distance myself b4 i'm hurt.
Fighting this feeling is so hard on nights like tonight. actually its there most nights, when i'm alone in bed, or waking up to an alarm clock and a cat curled up by my side where a lover should be.
loneliness is sometimes the strongest when your with somebody. not sure what all this is, too soon to tell. least i know where i want it to go.... and all i can go is go with the flow and hope is goes where i want. the future is unknown. all i know is how i feel when i'm around him.... alive, free, like myself, open, comfortable, loved, strong, weak, safe, welcomed, wanted... connected. and i desperatly want more. i wish i could hold him and not have to worry are the kids near. i want to fall asleep on the couch cuddling and know that everything ok, i wont have to get up and leave b4 a certain time. I have really enjoyed our bus rides. when he woud put his arm around me as we rode to work together.... that was so nice.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
today..
DIVORCE
Broken Lives torn apart.
we had a chance,
we had a start.
I ran the race.
I did my best.
but in the end
it was for naught.
You had my heart.
You had my life.
I gave it all.
Our happy ending,
was not meant to be.
and so....
I'll wait.
YOU
I''m over you.
I have been for a while now.
I tried to make myself feel something,
anything at all.
I tried.
But you hurt me.
Pushed me down and around.
I was nothing to you.
Don't say you love me.
Because i don't love you.
It won't work this time.
I'm over you.
Broken Lives torn apart.
we had a chance,
we had a start.
I ran the race.
I did my best.
but in the end
it was for naught.
You had my heart.
You had my life.
I gave it all.
Our happy ending,
was not meant to be.
and so....
I'll wait.
YOU
I''m over you.
I have been for a while now.
I tried to make myself feel something,
anything at all.
I tried.
But you hurt me.
Pushed me down and around.
I was nothing to you.
Don't say you love me.
Because i don't love you.
It won't work this time.
I'm over you.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
todays theme songs
THESE ARE FOR HIM: HEHEHEHEHE. HARSH,... YES. BUT WITH TIME I'LL FORGIVE, I WONT FORGET OR CONDONE... BUT I'LL FORGIVE. BUT FOR NOW. I'm STILL TOO MAD!
KIM STOCKWOOD: YOU JERK
Since you've been gone I feel so much better
Cause I saw how mean you could be
I used to want some explanation
Now all I want is my Patsy Cline CD
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
Sometimes I wish I'd mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway
I'm so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
They try to be so cool
Insult you like a fool
Never take your call when you're nobody at all
Until you're somebody and then they want to be your friend
How come jerks don't know they're jerks
(I don't know)
So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You screwed over the wrong girl man, now you're alone. I'm sick of your bullshit. i see you for who you are. you're alone now, and i HAVE NO REGRETS, ESPECIALL AFTER SUNDAY NIGHTS FIASCO!
PROM KINGS: ALONE
Whats my name
Whats your deal
Whats this all about
I see your lips
I know they spill
Like shit is coming out
So here i go, im back again
I guess i'm following the trend
I should have known, i should have sensed
I should have listened to my friends
I'm feeling sane, gotta stay
After all that we've been through
And in my brain it is the same
So i shook it up on you
And by the way, move your play
>From me like you've got that class
These five words i wanna say
You can kiss this white boys....
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, im alll alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
I'm feeling black
I'm feeling blue
I'm feeling so caught up in you
I'm feeling played
I'm feeling used
I'm feeling like its all i do
So here i go, i'm back again
Started listening to my friends
I changed her out, she tore me in
I'll never do that shit again
So what do you want from me
You're kiling my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
This love is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
You're so alone
You're so alone
KIM STOCKWOOD: YOU JERK
Since you've been gone I feel so much better
Cause I saw how mean you could be
I used to want some explanation
Now all I want is my Patsy Cline CD
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
Sometimes I wish I'd mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway
I'm so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
They try to be so cool
Insult you like a fool
Never take your call when you're nobody at all
Until you're somebody and then they want to be your friend
How come jerks don't know they're jerks
(I don't know)
So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head
How I've waited for today
When I could finally say
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work
You screwed over the wrong girl man, now you're alone. I'm sick of your bullshit. i see you for who you are. you're alone now, and i HAVE NO REGRETS, ESPECIALL AFTER SUNDAY NIGHTS FIASCO!
PROM KINGS: ALONE
Whats my name
Whats your deal
Whats this all about
I see your lips
I know they spill
Like shit is coming out
So here i go, im back again
I guess i'm following the trend
I should have known, i should have sensed
I should have listened to my friends
I'm feeling sane, gotta stay
After all that we've been through
And in my brain it is the same
So i shook it up on you
And by the way, move your play
>From me like you've got that class
These five words i wanna say
You can kiss this white boys....
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, im alll alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
I'm feeling black
I'm feeling blue
I'm feeling so caught up in you
I'm feeling played
I'm feeling used
I'm feeling like its all i do
So here i go, i'm back again
Started listening to my friends
I changed her out, she tore me in
I'll never do that shit again
So what do you want from me
You're kiling my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
The sun is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
You're so alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
I'm trying too hard to see
This love is gone, i'm all alone
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
You're stealing the air i breathe
This love is gone and you're alone
So what do you want from me
You're killing my sanity
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
So what do you want from me
I'm sick of you choking me
So what do you want (what do you want)
So what do you want from me
You're so alone
You're so alone
dear dear dear......
I am beyond pissed now.i am just so utterly diapointed and hurt. It happened sunday night and i still feel it. Physically, and emotionally.
Iwas goin to do the final clean up on the old apartment on saturday- you know wash floors walls, bathroom, kitchen etc. as part of the agreement my ex and i had and also i wnted my half of the security deposit. well, he was there all Saturday and i was tired so i figured i'd do it sunday morning after i picked up my guppy aquarium and coffee tables ( the last of my things.).,skip church and be all done for practice at 1pm. afterall, it would only take a few hours to clean....
so i showed up sunday morning, the place was ad isater area. junk everwheres, clothes, boxes, garbage, etc. so i took my stuff and figured he'd clean it up by that night... he had to right, i mean he wanted his security deposit back, didnt he?
that night after church i called the neighbour to find out that he had not taken out the junk. I was devastated. I have a hert condirion, how could he leave all that junk to lugg on my own. I almost said "fuck it" but then emily (god bless her, fuck she's an awesome friend!) asked Allen to help me.
10 hrs.... it took us 10 hrs! it was suposed to be done by midnight but that didnt happen. Allen tried to make it as peasant as possible (sneaking a few kisses here and there, hmmmmmmm nice very nice) but it was still stressfull. 9pm-7am. 10 hrs. Jerk off even had the nerve to show up at 6am and "offer help" I am proud of myself tho. i didnt punch him out. or cry.or yell. i just told him to leave.... and he did. then later that day he emailed me and said " i love you. i don't know why you freaked out and told me to leave? i only wanted to help." so i replied back telling him to not say "i love you", and "i had never been more disapointed and hurt. I was ashamed of him... he knew of my heart condition and that there was no possible way i cld havelugged all that stuff out myself without sending me to the hospital! and it was supposed to be done at midight what possible help cld he have offered when it was supposed to be done 6 hrs ago! "
he hasnt replied back.
and i'm glad.
you know what was hilarious tho. out of all the stuff he left behind he took one item i was hoping he'd forget... he took the damn lamp! the one thing i forgot to negotiate. the lamp i searched for so long to find and then bought.... my lamp. my 50$ lamp. he took the damn lamp! What the fuck! he doesnt even need a lamp!
thats ok, i got like 10$ worrth of change, several poewer bars, some shelves and whatever else i could find!
But yeah, i can't guarentee i wont say a few bad things about him now. I can't see us being friends. I want nothing more to do with him. that was dirty thing to do.
Monday morning my chest was so tight i could hardly breathe, even after a hot shower. i stayed home sick and didnt get out of bed from 730am till 430pm. and i havent told my roomates but i still feel kinda odd. my breathing still isnt right. allen doent know that, and he wont. after a few days it should be fine again. it was funny tho, allen saisd that at 9am when he left for work i was noring a lot! I don't snore, that just goes to show how bad off my chest was! and how tired i wa`s too!
well, i need to go to bed now. at least this sunday night venture has caused me to go to bed earlier... fuck i'm so tired!
heres t hoping i keep my cool, get well soon and chilax. its done. only the security deposit left. then all done... no more ex!
thank god!
Iwas goin to do the final clean up on the old apartment on saturday- you know wash floors walls, bathroom, kitchen etc. as part of the agreement my ex and i had and also i wnted my half of the security deposit. well, he was there all Saturday and i was tired so i figured i'd do it sunday morning after i picked up my guppy aquarium and coffee tables ( the last of my things.).,skip church and be all done for practice at 1pm. afterall, it would only take a few hours to clean....
so i showed up sunday morning, the place was ad isater area. junk everwheres, clothes, boxes, garbage, etc. so i took my stuff and figured he'd clean it up by that night... he had to right, i mean he wanted his security deposit back, didnt he?
that night after church i called the neighbour to find out that he had not taken out the junk. I was devastated. I have a hert condirion, how could he leave all that junk to lugg on my own. I almost said "fuck it" but then emily (god bless her, fuck she's an awesome friend!) asked Allen to help me.
10 hrs.... it took us 10 hrs! it was suposed to be done by midnight but that didnt happen. Allen tried to make it as peasant as possible (sneaking a few kisses here and there, hmmmmmmm nice very nice) but it was still stressfull. 9pm-7am. 10 hrs. Jerk off even had the nerve to show up at 6am and "offer help" I am proud of myself tho. i didnt punch him out. or cry.or yell. i just told him to leave.... and he did. then later that day he emailed me and said " i love you. i don't know why you freaked out and told me to leave? i only wanted to help." so i replied back telling him to not say "i love you", and "i had never been more disapointed and hurt. I was ashamed of him... he knew of my heart condition and that there was no possible way i cld havelugged all that stuff out myself without sending me to the hospital! and it was supposed to be done at midight what possible help cld he have offered when it was supposed to be done 6 hrs ago! "
he hasnt replied back.
and i'm glad.
you know what was hilarious tho. out of all the stuff he left behind he took one item i was hoping he'd forget... he took the damn lamp! the one thing i forgot to negotiate. the lamp i searched for so long to find and then bought.... my lamp. my 50$ lamp. he took the damn lamp! What the fuck! he doesnt even need a lamp!
thats ok, i got like 10$ worrth of change, several poewer bars, some shelves and whatever else i could find!
But yeah, i can't guarentee i wont say a few bad things about him now. I can't see us being friends. I want nothing more to do with him. that was dirty thing to do.
Monday morning my chest was so tight i could hardly breathe, even after a hot shower. i stayed home sick and didnt get out of bed from 730am till 430pm. and i havent told my roomates but i still feel kinda odd. my breathing still isnt right. allen doent know that, and he wont. after a few days it should be fine again. it was funny tho, allen saisd that at 9am when he left for work i was noring a lot! I don't snore, that just goes to show how bad off my chest was! and how tired i wa`s too!
well, i need to go to bed now. at least this sunday night venture has caused me to go to bed earlier... fuck i'm so tired!
heres t hoping i keep my cool, get well soon and chilax. its done. only the security deposit left. then all done... no more ex!
thank god!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
ah shit.....
well... here we go... gotta get my ass out of bed, off the computer and down to the old apartment. Gotta clean it up, grab my guppy aqaurium and see the Land lords make sure they give my half of the security deposit to me and not the the ex! oh joy and happiness!
Brought allen with me the other night as my ex demanded i be avail on wednesday night to got thru the last of the stuff.... oh, by the way "hey! jerk off! Give me back my photo albulms, big hug mug and movies!" anyways, getting back.... so yeah went back to the old apartment with allen (the boyyfriend, date, ummm.. person i'm seeing ? shit! what is he?) anyways, my ex never looked more wore down. and i.... well i turned into this bitch of a monster! no really, i was cruel. snapped at him, and well shoved this all in his face. allen looked kinda worried. so when my ex left the room i A) apologised to allen and B) asked allen if i was a bitch and what he thought if i apologosed to my ex for my actions..... so i apologised. I am usually so sensative, and nice to ppl. and if i get mad i get mad on my blog and cry alone afterwards... i don't like treating ppl terribly ( as much as they may have hurt me) so i got scared when i saw myself as this bitchy monster ripping my ex's throat out! I have to let go of this bitterness and hurt i feel. I may not love my ex, i may be over him, I may know we're thru but still gives me no right to treat him less then human. I hope he's ok....
speaking of human, i had a "soul to soul" connection ( as i like to call them) with a woman over the phone at work thursday. She had her utilities cut off and so got me as i would be the one to tell her what to pay, where to go, and then eventually hook her up again. right away i knew something was wrong, her voice sounded so distant... so empty when she gave her account info and then when i asked her how i could help she lost it. apparently her husband and her were separated now. and she was left to pay off all the bills on her own. he paid nothing! she was balling her eyes out over the phone ( which is normal) and i was about to take control of the call and empathize and get her told what needed to be done when she blurted out "this is how you hear of ppl committing suicide" followed by "i can't take this anymore" followed by " i want to got out to the street" and something in her voice called out to me, touched my heart and soul and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she meant it.... she was contemplating suicide. over a man who left her, and a life she felt so overwhelmed in! i immediately used her first name ( fuck! i didnt care if i failed the call, i'm sorry i think her life was a bit more important then my call quality score!) told her to talk to me, to let it all go. told her i knew where she was, and trust me i knew. I contemplated suicide over my ex too. wanted to end it all as i felt like if he didnt want me, then i wasnt worth having, felt so alone, so afraid. but my faith kept me from doing it. this woman, was saying exactly the same things- except for the faith part. altho she was screaming out to jesus! God, the tears, the things she said, it was so real and so frightening. at one point she said she was going outside to the street until i begged her to stay in. she did. by that point my team manager FINALLY made an appearnce, followed by my one of my support staff. i was shaking, adrenaline rush maybe? my voice remained calm, quiet, reasuring.... i was doing my best to reach her, touch her, let her know she was not alone.... my body tho, wa sshaking so uncontrolably and my heart, felt like it was going to burst out! I could feel my chest tightening, i could see only a bur infront of me... and all i could hear was her voice. her pain. her life.... scary.
in the end i managed to calm her down enuff to set up an appointment to reconnect, anda payment arrangment. i told her to call back anytime, that we would ALWAYS work with her to prevent this. then i asked her if she had anybody to talk to.... i had a suicide line ready to go if she said no.... but she said her pastor, i made her promise to call him and to promise she would be there for her apointment. she did. then i called the cops, and they said they'd swing by to chk on her. i tooka 45 min break after that call. i remember calling emeily and allen's place and emily answered the phone. she talked me down, dunno what we talked about, but i know i was so afraid i was going to take a heart attack..... after a while we were laughing and i was fine...... i got back on the phones to type out a note on her account and then went home.... nice way to end the day, eh?
There are so many hurting ppl out ther. all we need to do is open our minds and our hearts! we have to stop being so calloused! touch ppl. make a soul to soul connection....... she was so alone, but she's not now. I promised her i'd pray for her. and i have been. and i always will. her name is burned into my brain. i'll never forget her. if i could, i'd go see her. but i can't... she's in another city over 12 hrd drive away! so's life i guess.....
THE CUSTOMER
step into my head
where fear and loneliness stalk
penetrate my every being.
I am plagued by dark thoughts and
pursued by fear.
If you came in,
what would you do?
could you heal me?
make me whole?
stop me...
hold me.
make me stop.
please
Brought allen with me the other night as my ex demanded i be avail on wednesday night to got thru the last of the stuff.... oh, by the way "hey! jerk off! Give me back my photo albulms, big hug mug and movies!" anyways, getting back.... so yeah went back to the old apartment with allen (the boyyfriend, date, ummm.. person i'm seeing ? shit! what is he?) anyways, my ex never looked more wore down. and i.... well i turned into this bitch of a monster! no really, i was cruel. snapped at him, and well shoved this all in his face. allen looked kinda worried. so when my ex left the room i A) apologised to allen and B) asked allen if i was a bitch and what he thought if i apologosed to my ex for my actions..... so i apologised. I am usually so sensative, and nice to ppl. and if i get mad i get mad on my blog and cry alone afterwards... i don't like treating ppl terribly ( as much as they may have hurt me) so i got scared when i saw myself as this bitchy monster ripping my ex's throat out! I have to let go of this bitterness and hurt i feel. I may not love my ex, i may be over him, I may know we're thru but still gives me no right to treat him less then human. I hope he's ok....
speaking of human, i had a "soul to soul" connection ( as i like to call them) with a woman over the phone at work thursday. She had her utilities cut off and so got me as i would be the one to tell her what to pay, where to go, and then eventually hook her up again. right away i knew something was wrong, her voice sounded so distant... so empty when she gave her account info and then when i asked her how i could help she lost it. apparently her husband and her were separated now. and she was left to pay off all the bills on her own. he paid nothing! she was balling her eyes out over the phone ( which is normal) and i was about to take control of the call and empathize and get her told what needed to be done when she blurted out "this is how you hear of ppl committing suicide" followed by "i can't take this anymore" followed by " i want to got out to the street" and something in her voice called out to me, touched my heart and soul and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she meant it.... she was contemplating suicide. over a man who left her, and a life she felt so overwhelmed in! i immediately used her first name ( fuck! i didnt care if i failed the call, i'm sorry i think her life was a bit more important then my call quality score!) told her to talk to me, to let it all go. told her i knew where she was, and trust me i knew. I contemplated suicide over my ex too. wanted to end it all as i felt like if he didnt want me, then i wasnt worth having, felt so alone, so afraid. but my faith kept me from doing it. this woman, was saying exactly the same things- except for the faith part. altho she was screaming out to jesus! God, the tears, the things she said, it was so real and so frightening. at one point she said she was going outside to the street until i begged her to stay in. she did. by that point my team manager FINALLY made an appearnce, followed by my one of my support staff. i was shaking, adrenaline rush maybe? my voice remained calm, quiet, reasuring.... i was doing my best to reach her, touch her, let her know she was not alone.... my body tho, wa sshaking so uncontrolably and my heart, felt like it was going to burst out! I could feel my chest tightening, i could see only a bur infront of me... and all i could hear was her voice. her pain. her life.... scary.
in the end i managed to calm her down enuff to set up an appointment to reconnect, anda payment arrangment. i told her to call back anytime, that we would ALWAYS work with her to prevent this. then i asked her if she had anybody to talk to.... i had a suicide line ready to go if she said no.... but she said her pastor, i made her promise to call him and to promise she would be there for her apointment. she did. then i called the cops, and they said they'd swing by to chk on her. i tooka 45 min break after that call. i remember calling emeily and allen's place and emily answered the phone. she talked me down, dunno what we talked about, but i know i was so afraid i was going to take a heart attack..... after a while we were laughing and i was fine...... i got back on the phones to type out a note on her account and then went home.... nice way to end the day, eh?
There are so many hurting ppl out ther. all we need to do is open our minds and our hearts! we have to stop being so calloused! touch ppl. make a soul to soul connection....... she was so alone, but she's not now. I promised her i'd pray for her. and i have been. and i always will. her name is burned into my brain. i'll never forget her. if i could, i'd go see her. but i can't... she's in another city over 12 hrd drive away! so's life i guess.....
THE CUSTOMER
step into my head
where fear and loneliness stalk
penetrate my every being.
I am plagued by dark thoughts and
pursued by fear.
If you came in,
what would you do?
could you heal me?
make me whole?
stop me...
hold me.
make me stop.
please
Thursday, September 27, 2007
TODAYS THEME SONG......
the first one.... its a teeny bopper song soo shhhh! don't tell!
don't mind you telling me
What's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes I can be
All wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Your the one who keeps me on the ground
[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
I can take your honesty
All your words weigh heavily
I'm listening to you all the time
I wanna be there for you
The way you've been there for me
You always help me walk the line
And slow me down
Slow me down
I know you will always be around
[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
[Bridge]
All this time we finally know eachother
Now that I've been leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that your right when your right
And your wrong when your wrong
I can be weak cause I know you'll be strong
[Chorus x2]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
heres another
Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don’t care what they say
[Bleeding Love lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
Hilary Duff - With Love
don't mind you telling me
What's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes I can be
All wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down
Slow me down
Your the one who keeps me on the ground
[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
I can take your honesty
All your words weigh heavily
I'm listening to you all the time
I wanna be there for you
The way you've been there for me
You always help me walk the line
And slow me down
Slow me down
I know you will always be around
[Chorus]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin` enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think that I will be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
[Bridge]
All this time we finally know eachother
Now that I've been leaning on your shoulder
I can tell you baby that your right when your right
And your wrong when your wrong
I can be weak cause I know you'll be strong
[Chorus x2]
Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Baby you can be tough
Sayin' enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love love love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'll be crushed
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
Just do it with love love love love
Just do it with love
heres another
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking round
Thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
another day.....
So, allen and i had our talk last night...man, why the heall does he have this effect over me? I really don't understand it. So, comfortable. so right. We mentioned blended families again. Thats my dream, my hope. to eventually combine and be one happy familly. No more hiding. I hate the hiding. They are not ready to come out yet, not until they find a polyamourous relationship tht works. But in the meantime, I'm left for the most part to hiding. I hate it. I told allen that last night. I'll give them time, and if they never come out while i'm here thats fine... cus i really don'r know if this will work. Why should the expose themselves to scrutiny and hurt if they don't know if it will work.
Allen and i also talked about where we are. "strong feelings" is how he put it. "attracted" was another. and also, we mentioned we both are aiming for long term. NO idea if it will work out that way, but we want to try. I feel like i've been alone wolf for so long and like i may have finally found my pack (lol! sorry for the metaphore. there's a particular reader who's groaning right now) Or at least i Hope so.
But serious questions are coming up. about having little babies. He's fixed. Got threee kids, doesn't want more. I still don't know if i want children anymore. I mean w/ my ex it wa kinda expected. even tho i wanted to go to school first we'd been togehter for 7 trs and my open heart surgury was thru and well, it was just expected. I mean, It'll be yrs b4 i tackle that bridge. I have to go back to scchool, (4-7 yrs) i need to be in a commited relationship ( again yrs) and i also have my heart to think about. could it handle having children. do i really want to have to go thru another surgury maybe 2..... thanks a lot allen! now you got me thinking!
all I know is my heart sored when allen slipped up and mentioned ( just once) that i was his girlfriend. I felt a sense of contentedness when he told me he was thinking long term. I dearly hope this works. I think, well... i think. no i won't ssay it, not yet. But i will say i find myself still holding back and falling deeper and farther.
emily said she wasshocked i'd had sex cus i said i'd never if the feeling weren't there.... allen and i both agree. they were there. I know i'd never have had sex if they werent. i just, i am holding back. but saturday, was amazing. so connected. so real. so long since i'd felt that. sex always hurt b4. only once it didnt. I had never made love to anybody except my ex husband. I had waitied until marriage. and was neglected to say the least! i never realised what they hpe was about. i know i wasnt completly comfortable and i never connected with my ex completly....
I dont know ehatt hsi all means. and i wonder where it will lead. i feel myself falling faste and harder then i ever have. i'm holding back because i don't want to go too fast... but we already have the friendship, and the intimacy, and now... now he tells me he is thinking long term... and my heart, feels so free. I hope this works. I hope it does. I want it to work. and as for children, it'll be yrs b4 i have to cross that bridge, for now i'll take my time to think that thru.
so happy.
so free....
so...
me
Allen and i also talked about where we are. "strong feelings" is how he put it. "attracted" was another. and also, we mentioned we both are aiming for long term. NO idea if it will work out that way, but we want to try. I feel like i've been alone wolf for so long and like i may have finally found my pack (lol! sorry for the metaphore. there's a particular reader who's groaning right now) Or at least i Hope so.
But serious questions are coming up. about having little babies. He's fixed. Got threee kids, doesn't want more. I still don't know if i want children anymore. I mean w/ my ex it wa kinda expected. even tho i wanted to go to school first we'd been togehter for 7 trs and my open heart surgury was thru and well, it was just expected. I mean, It'll be yrs b4 i tackle that bridge. I have to go back to scchool, (4-7 yrs) i need to be in a commited relationship ( again yrs) and i also have my heart to think about. could it handle having children. do i really want to have to go thru another surgury maybe 2..... thanks a lot allen! now you got me thinking!
all I know is my heart sored when allen slipped up and mentioned ( just once) that i was his girlfriend. I felt a sense of contentedness when he told me he was thinking long term. I dearly hope this works. I think, well... i think. no i won't ssay it, not yet. But i will say i find myself still holding back and falling deeper and farther.
emily said she wasshocked i'd had sex cus i said i'd never if the feeling weren't there.... allen and i both agree. they were there. I know i'd never have had sex if they werent. i just, i am holding back. but saturday, was amazing. so connected. so real. so long since i'd felt that. sex always hurt b4. only once it didnt. I had never made love to anybody except my ex husband. I had waitied until marriage. and was neglected to say the least! i never realised what they hpe was about. i know i wasnt completly comfortable and i never connected with my ex completly....
I dont know ehatt hsi all means. and i wonder where it will lead. i feel myself falling faste and harder then i ever have. i'm holding back because i don't want to go too fast... but we already have the friendship, and the intimacy, and now... now he tells me he is thinking long term... and my heart, feels so free. I hope this works. I hope it does. I want it to work. and as for children, it'll be yrs b4 i have to cross that bridge, for now i'll take my time to think that thru.
so happy.
so free....
so...
me
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
today...
well,
talked things thru w/ allen..... says we have to slow things down for emily's sake. cuddling only. i was so afriad everything was over. i was so scared. I felt so terrible, and so alone. I wa sready to accept life alone again.... i was so hurt tho.., i was so asheamed of what i'd done. Now making love to allen, no that was wonderful. two words.... simutaneous orgasm. yeah. i have never felt so connected. we cuddled and talked and connected on a level i never knew existed. the cuddling was the best part... god it felt so damn good. at that moment my soul felt so free. i felt like i was soaring. i felt like nothing bad ever had or ever would happen. i was safe. finally. i was safe, and happy. and connected.
and emily,we talked tonite. she says she's ok... why do i not quite believe her. she still seems so hurt. i am still expecting her to say enuff is enuff and ask us to stop- to be apart. I suppose thats my 2nd biggest fear. and it came to life the other night. my biggest fear is well... losing 2 dear friends.
ever since the other night i keep thinking
What the hell have i gotten myself into? I desperately hope i haven't ruined a friendship. We talked about a lot tonight. I told her i understand, and i do, about how she's feeling. apparently she had no idea allen and i were getting "physical" and apparently allen and i should have talked with her fisrt. i thought she knew how far this was, and i thought allen had spoken with her.
when she spoke with me the other night i felt so terrible. i cried myself to sleep the other night.... well actually first i did push ups and sit ups until i felt nothing except physical pain. I had to block out what i was feeling inside and i also felt that i had to hurt myself in some way to atone for hurting emily. so i worked out. I did until i felt my heart was going to explode out of my chest. i did until i collapsed on my bed and slept the way i had fallen.... my sides and stomach still hurt.
I know this isn't rebound.... but still i need to take a step back. examine. make sure i'm not in over my head. I was over my ex a long time ago. it just took a long time b4 i had the strength to set myself free... and in many ways i am still bound, still waiting for somebody to save me.
SAVE ME
save me
from myself
from my past
save me from a life
of hurt and pain.
of love and hate
of shame.
MY SAVIOR
My life
is a self sacrifice
meant to be alone i suppose
i only hurt those i love
and in turn hurt myself
I turn to no one
i feel only pain
it makes me feel alive.
trust is an illusion.
happiness is fleeting.
these are my thoughts.
this is my life.
so take me
heal me
show me who i should be
and tell me everything will be fine
i want to beleive in more.
save me
SHIT HAPPENS- I DEAL
"so what?"
i yell to the wind.
"is that all you got?"
I challenge the thunder
"just try and take me on"
I scream at the lightning
"I'll survive"
I cry as the rain hides my tears
Oh, allen just walked in, time to throw on the smile again.... he's drunk.... oh dear....oh tender monet, we're going to talk more tommrow, when he's sober. kinda scared bout what he's got to say. that look in his eyes, says it's all good. my heart is till scared tho.... i hear myself saying "please dont hurt me"
well anyways that leads me to one thought tho.... allen is fixed. hmmm, i have to rethink sumthing...do I want a family eventually. imean, if i do decide to spend time w/ allen ,if we do decide on a commited plyamourous relationship....if i do How is that going to work? do i seek another person....or what? to tell you the truth I honestly don't know. and how should i. I have no idea where this is going. I have no idea what this is. I am just going with the flow. all i know is i like what i feel and i am falling.... and that when emily mentioned wanting a blended family eventually my heart soared with hope..... i dont plan too far ahead anymore but still..... it made my heart soar.....
some part of me tells me that i should wait. That my heart can't handle this. and maybe that part is right but right now all i know is this feels so damn good. I have always felt so alone..... always one my own. and now i feel so safe. wanted. loved? I hope so. and even if not.... i really dont want to think it.... but even if not, its all good. even if it is only meant to be a short while....
ALLEN
hmmm....
they call it Novocaine for the heart
i call it sweet bliss.
they say its too soon
i say its too late
and i fall deeper and farther
out of cotrol
into your arms.
i hope you'll catch me as i fall.
talked things thru w/ allen..... says we have to slow things down for emily's sake. cuddling only. i was so afriad everything was over. i was so scared. I felt so terrible, and so alone. I wa sready to accept life alone again.... i was so hurt tho.., i was so asheamed of what i'd done. Now making love to allen, no that was wonderful. two words.... simutaneous orgasm. yeah. i have never felt so connected. we cuddled and talked and connected on a level i never knew existed. the cuddling was the best part... god it felt so damn good. at that moment my soul felt so free. i felt like i was soaring. i felt like nothing bad ever had or ever would happen. i was safe. finally. i was safe, and happy. and connected.
and emily,we talked tonite. she says she's ok... why do i not quite believe her. she still seems so hurt. i am still expecting her to say enuff is enuff and ask us to stop- to be apart. I suppose thats my 2nd biggest fear. and it came to life the other night. my biggest fear is well... losing 2 dear friends.
ever since the other night i keep thinking
What the hell have i gotten myself into? I desperately hope i haven't ruined a friendship. We talked about a lot tonight. I told her i understand, and i do, about how she's feeling. apparently she had no idea allen and i were getting "physical" and apparently allen and i should have talked with her fisrt. i thought she knew how far this was, and i thought allen had spoken with her.
when she spoke with me the other night i felt so terrible. i cried myself to sleep the other night.... well actually first i did push ups and sit ups until i felt nothing except physical pain. I had to block out what i was feeling inside and i also felt that i had to hurt myself in some way to atone for hurting emily. so i worked out. I did until i felt my heart was going to explode out of my chest. i did until i collapsed on my bed and slept the way i had fallen.... my sides and stomach still hurt.
I know this isn't rebound.... but still i need to take a step back. examine. make sure i'm not in over my head. I was over my ex a long time ago. it just took a long time b4 i had the strength to set myself free... and in many ways i am still bound, still waiting for somebody to save me.
SAVE ME
save me
from myself
from my past
save me from a life
of hurt and pain.
of love and hate
of shame.
MY SAVIOR
My life
is a self sacrifice
meant to be alone i suppose
i only hurt those i love
and in turn hurt myself
I turn to no one
i feel only pain
it makes me feel alive.
trust is an illusion.
happiness is fleeting.
these are my thoughts.
this is my life.
so take me
heal me
show me who i should be
and tell me everything will be fine
i want to beleive in more.
save me
SHIT HAPPENS- I DEAL
"so what?"
i yell to the wind.
"is that all you got?"
I challenge the thunder
"just try and take me on"
I scream at the lightning
"I'll survive"
I cry as the rain hides my tears
Oh, allen just walked in, time to throw on the smile again.... he's drunk.... oh dear....oh tender monet, we're going to talk more tommrow, when he's sober. kinda scared bout what he's got to say. that look in his eyes, says it's all good. my heart is till scared tho.... i hear myself saying "please dont hurt me"
well anyways that leads me to one thought tho.... allen is fixed. hmmm, i have to rethink sumthing...do I want a family eventually. imean, if i do decide to spend time w/ allen ,if we do decide on a commited plyamourous relationship....if i do How is that going to work? do i seek another person....or what? to tell you the truth I honestly don't know. and how should i. I have no idea where this is going. I have no idea what this is. I am just going with the flow. all i know is i like what i feel and i am falling.... and that when emily mentioned wanting a blended family eventually my heart soared with hope..... i dont plan too far ahead anymore but still..... it made my heart soar.....
some part of me tells me that i should wait. That my heart can't handle this. and maybe that part is right but right now all i know is this feels so damn good. I have always felt so alone..... always one my own. and now i feel so safe. wanted. loved? I hope so. and even if not.... i really dont want to think it.... but even if not, its all good. even if it is only meant to be a short while....
ALLEN
hmmm....
they call it Novocaine for the heart
i call it sweet bliss.
they say its too soon
i say its too late
and i fall deeper and farther
out of cotrol
into your arms.
i hope you'll catch me as i fall.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Fuck.....shit happened, now i gotta deal, and move on
I feel so sick right now. and hurt...... i caused my friend pain. I hurt Emily..... Allen and I decided to try seeing what this all was... and last night, we made love. Emily knew from the beginning, they are polyamourous and I wanted to try polyamoury too.....but when she found out how far it'd gone, she took it hard. and as such.... I'm left in no mans land. I can't handle this. I feel like I've had happiness dangled inf front of me and then torn away. I always say happiness for me is fleeting, i hoped this time would be different. I have never felt more afraid, and i think it would be best if i just ended this b4 it got to be anything else.... i mean it may never have gotten that afar but just in case, I'll push away. I don't want to be hurt and i don't think my heart, or my sanity could take it if she keeps up thsi yo-yo-ing... I think I'll just be alone for a while. and i am so sad, because i really wanted to see where this was going. I was just starting to open up. I was just staring to feel safe, and liek i belonged.... for the first tike in so long i felt like i beonged. like i was wanted, and not something not worth enuff to keep around or be loved....and now.... now i am scared and scarred again..... i feel so sick right now. I did my best not to show it, i can be skilled at burying feelings and i will just have to do that... for Emily's sake.... and for mine. I won't do this to myself. I won't get attached and then have her change her mind. I won't risk 2 of my dearest friends. I don't let many ppl in my life for a reason.... I tend to hurt and be hurt. If i don't let anyone in, if i just keep them all away... i'll be fine. shit happens, i deal. just that simple. oh, here Emily comes downstairs.. putting on a smile now, looking like i am just casually typing away at nothing instead of pouring my heart and soul out onto this blog.... see, it can be done. I lived many yrs w/ the secret of my abuse, i lived many yrs in a loveless marriage.... shoving feelings down and faking happiness... thats nothing. so thats what i'll do. I'll be fine in time. The numbness can actually be quite comforting. being alone, is ok. and eventually i'll trust myself and my heart enuff and then maybe i'll decide to try another time with sumbody else......
but god it felt so good. so comfy. so real...... and altho i have no regrets about what we tried to do i will have one regret, that it never had a chance to blossom (possibly) into more...
no regrets.
friends first
I had hope, it's gone for now. it'll come back. and for now.I'll cool my jets, end on a high note (sorta) and try to go back to how it was.... friendship. nothong more. I'll run away. I coccon, i just.... i'll survive. what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. shit happens, deal, move on. I think i'll put a rush on getting outtta here,,,, gotta get the fuck outta dodge, if you get my drift. and again, i'll cry alone. i'll depend on me. and only me. and even then, i'll keep me in check. I'll put upmy walls. and i'll survive......
like i always have.
so now, i must plan..... i need to budget, and save and maybe... maybe i'll take my mom's offerr and move to ottawa. or better yet, bc.... get away from all this madness and pain. start over. start alone. leave every one and everything behind. then i won't be fucked over.... or fucked up.... or for that matter.... fucked.
I know it was more then just good sex..... and i... i wish.... i wish...... i wish... i couldv'e experienced it longer.... but i became too emotionally attached. I risked too much- i wore my wounded heart on my sleeve and now its been stabbed again.... and now. I'll hide it. hide me. and well.... heal. by myself.
as usual, here i go again. on this road. alone.
fuck em... fuck em all.... right?
but god it felt so good. so comfy. so real...... and altho i have no regrets about what we tried to do i will have one regret, that it never had a chance to blossom (possibly) into more...
no regrets.
friends first
I had hope, it's gone for now. it'll come back. and for now.I'll cool my jets, end on a high note (sorta) and try to go back to how it was.... friendship. nothong more. I'll run away. I coccon, i just.... i'll survive. what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. shit happens, deal, move on. I think i'll put a rush on getting outtta here,,,, gotta get the fuck outta dodge, if you get my drift. and again, i'll cry alone. i'll depend on me. and only me. and even then, i'll keep me in check. I'll put upmy walls. and i'll survive......
like i always have.
so now, i must plan..... i need to budget, and save and maybe... maybe i'll take my mom's offerr and move to ottawa. or better yet, bc.... get away from all this madness and pain. start over. start alone. leave every one and everything behind. then i won't be fucked over.... or fucked up.... or for that matter.... fucked.
I know it was more then just good sex..... and i... i wish.... i wish...... i wish... i couldv'e experienced it longer.... but i became too emotionally attached. I risked too much- i wore my wounded heart on my sleeve and now its been stabbed again.... and now. I'll hide it. hide me. and well.... heal. by myself.
as usual, here i go again. on this road. alone.
fuck em... fuck em all.... right?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
HEAVY......
HMMMMM.... not sure just what to do. I know i feel like running latlely. running away. hiding. i'm terrified. I am so scared that i'll be hurt. scared of what might happen and even scared about what might not. i'm just scared.
I could shut down again. just take a step back, retreat into myself. it would be so easy. so familiar. and safe. just do like i did a few yrs ago.... just me.... my church..... me. and a lot of ppl would never be the wiser. because i wouldn't let them get close enough to know.
you cant get hurt.... if you're alone.
i'm not in a pity mood... i am seriously just scared. I am so afraid.....
at least i know i'll never go back to him- my ex that is. that much i am confident in. i got strong, i was bitter, then sad, and now... satisfied. he's gone from my life.
but as for me..... i dont know. i did something stupid. i admited some of my feelings to allen. and altho he said it was fine, that words couldnt convey his thoughts..... i was never more afraid. I feel myself pushing away..... i feel my heat telling me i'm getting too attached and that i'll just end up hurt in the end. happiness for me, has always been fleeting.
i havent had a hard life. i'm better off then a lot of ppl-i realise that-- but still.....
i am surrounded by loneliness at times of my own creation none the less. i have a habit of pushing ppl away when they get too close..... and i am fighting the urge to do that. it is taking every once of stregnth not to push away.
God, i feel so comfortable around him its scary. and i have no idea what this is or where its going, or if it'll last. and i'm trying to go with the flow, to relax but every once and a while ( like yesterday) all the panicked thoughts catch up and then i breakdown and well... its not pretty.
why did i have to let him see..... too soon , its too soon. and too strong. and too frightening, but so nice. so good, and so... famiar....
it strange to fee safe and terrified all at once.
I want to take a chance, sees where thsi leads but by th same token... i am just so scared. it feel too good to be true..... and i hope i don;t run away. i hope i can push thru my shell adn these walls i've built up. its too much, and too little.
what is this?
tell me...
please, i want to know.
tell me...
do you feel?
tell me...
where are we?
tell me...
everything.
I could shut down again. just take a step back, retreat into myself. it would be so easy. so familiar. and safe. just do like i did a few yrs ago.... just me.... my church..... me. and a lot of ppl would never be the wiser. because i wouldn't let them get close enough to know.
you cant get hurt.... if you're alone.
i'm not in a pity mood... i am seriously just scared. I am so afraid.....
at least i know i'll never go back to him- my ex that is. that much i am confident in. i got strong, i was bitter, then sad, and now... satisfied. he's gone from my life.
but as for me..... i dont know. i did something stupid. i admited some of my feelings to allen. and altho he said it was fine, that words couldnt convey his thoughts..... i was never more afraid. I feel myself pushing away..... i feel my heat telling me i'm getting too attached and that i'll just end up hurt in the end. happiness for me, has always been fleeting.
i havent had a hard life. i'm better off then a lot of ppl-i realise that-- but still.....
i am surrounded by loneliness at times of my own creation none the less. i have a habit of pushing ppl away when they get too close..... and i am fighting the urge to do that. it is taking every once of stregnth not to push away.
God, i feel so comfortable around him its scary. and i have no idea what this is or where its going, or if it'll last. and i'm trying to go with the flow, to relax but every once and a while ( like yesterday) all the panicked thoughts catch up and then i breakdown and well... its not pretty.
why did i have to let him see..... too soon , its too soon. and too strong. and too frightening, but so nice. so good, and so... famiar....
it strange to fee safe and terrified all at once.
I want to take a chance, sees where thsi leads but by th same token... i am just so scared. it feel too good to be true..... and i hope i don;t run away. i hope i can push thru my shell adn these walls i've built up. its too much, and too little.
what is this?
tell me...
please, i want to know.
tell me...
do you feel?
tell me...
where are we?
tell me...
everything.
TODAYS THEME SONG......
WITHEN TEMPTATION: PALE
LYRICS:
The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.
Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I can't stay.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
GROOVE COVERAGE: LET IT BE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vnMmyxDO5aA&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
My life lasts forever
Let me be with you
There's still so much silence
That Im going through
My tears are in heaven
But I must survive
When angels are crying
Im ending my life
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony
My dream lasts forever
So where are you now
Im searching for nothing
Cause love dies somehow
No tears left in heaven
That help me survive,
The angels were crying,
While I lost my life.
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony
LYRICS:
The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
I know, should realize
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it'll be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be all right.
Oh, this night is too long.
Have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I can't stay.
Have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.
GROOVE COVERAGE: LET IT BE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=vnMmyxDO5aA&mode=related&search=
LYRICS:
My life lasts forever
Let me be with you
There's still so much silence
That Im going through
My tears are in heaven
But I must survive
When angels are crying
Im ending my life
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony
My dream lasts forever
So where are you now
Im searching for nothing
Cause love dies somehow
No tears left in heaven
That help me survive,
The angels were crying,
While I lost my life.
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
Take the radio melody
Sing with me
Play the song oh let it be
With the radio symphony
Set you free
What you get is what you see
On the radio symphony
Monday, September 17, 2007
TODAYS THEM SONG....
CELINE DION: TAKING CHANCES
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRTwOkFsYoE
lyrics:
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know much about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
[Taking Chances lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRTwOkFsYoE
lyrics:
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know much about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
my theme song today and my poem....
well, my poem .... inspired from the theme song for today.... sorry not that original....
HOPE:
Take me away from here.
Let the darkness fade into light.
let your warmth surround me
even if its only for a short while
come, enter.
Take me away from this place
lead me someplace new.
I want to be free.
Show me what I've been missing
let darkness fade to light.
and my theme song... it's a little blunt... kinda glad i'm the only one who reads this..... Fuck! I'd be too scared to let anybody see this theme song! its just a wee bit blunt!
Within Temptation: enter
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbdlPaaoG_8&mode=related&search=
lyrics:
The gates of time have opened,
Now, it's chains are broken.
An ancient force unleashed again
As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
It takes me away, away from here
Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.
As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
The stars above are lying at my feet.
Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.
HOPE:
Take me away from here.
Let the darkness fade into light.
let your warmth surround me
even if its only for a short while
come, enter.
Take me away from this place
lead me someplace new.
I want to be free.
Show me what I've been missing
let darkness fade to light.
and my theme song... it's a little blunt... kinda glad i'm the only one who reads this..... Fuck! I'd be too scared to let anybody see this theme song! its just a wee bit blunt!
Within Temptation: enter
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbdlPaaoG_8&mode=related&search=
lyrics:
The gates of time have opened,
Now, it's chains are broken.
An ancient force unleashed again
As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
It takes me away, away from here
Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.
As I enter the portal,
I feel the enchantment
The stars above are lying at my feet.
Come near me,
enter my private chambers,
I want to feel the warmth on my face,
light-in darkness,
lift me up from here.
Give me your wings,
to flee from my ivory tower.
a theme song for him....
a them song for him..... for yesterday, and for all i'd ever felt.... yes felt. because i feel a lot different now. I didnt fail him. he failed me... and i am so over him :) he used to destroy and condemn, both himself and myself....i often wonder why? he saw the negative, no positive... he hurt me in ways i pray i will never be hurt again.... i did my best. and i am glad its over! finally, over. I had the strength to take that leap. to get away. to say enuff is enuff. and i failed nobody. quite to the contrary i was true to myself!
lyrics:
I did my best to please you
But my best was never good enough
Somehow you're only able to see
All I am not
Did you ever look behind
Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find
I have failed you
but you have failed me too
[Chorus]
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
do you ever wonder if it's justified
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
in your life why didn't you ever try
I close my eyes as I walk the thin line
between love and hate
For the person with the same blood in his veins
You show no regrets
about all the things you did or said
I have failed you
but believe me
you failed me too
within temptation: destroyed
video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-I2Ft1HuEI&NR=1lyrics:
I did my best to please you
But my best was never good enough
Somehow you're only able to see
All I am not
Did you ever look behind
Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find
I have failed you
but you have failed me too
[Chorus]
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
do you ever wonder if it's justified
It's so easy to destroy
and condemn
The ones you do not understand
in your life why didn't you ever try
I close my eyes as I walk the thin line
between love and hate
For the person with the same blood in his veins
You show no regrets
about all the things you did or said
I have failed you
but believe me
you failed me too
Friday, September 7, 2007
today.....
Today, i feellike me. I am happy. I am still overwhealmed but I'm happy. I've decided to pursure "something" with allen. His Wife and he are plyamorous. I researched it some when they first told mw, I wanted to know what my friends were involed with. Just like when my friend Ruth decided to convert to islam, i researched it. I am Not sure how this will work, if it will lead to anything, or what it is i'm feeling. But i want to pursue it. I've always had some kind of feelings for Allen. I won't say love- because LOve takes time and love is a strong word to use so soon. But i've always felt an attraction. I just could push it aside and have a functional friendship! At first when i met Allen I thought it was infactuation. I thought "he's hot. He's got a sweet personality and is good person. its infactuation, thats all" but it didnt go away. Then later i thought "it's an emotional bond. You don't have one with your (ex) husband, you feel confortable around allen and have talked to him about some of your deepest thoughts that you could not talk with anybody else about.... it's and emotional bond" but when things for a short time got better.... still there. and then when i most recently left my ex huisband i thought "you're rebounding. that's all. push the feelings aside again, move on. it'll be fine" but then i realised "how can it be rebound if i've had these feelings from b4 i separated?" and i do call them feelings, because i don't know what else they are. But i want to find out. So i am trying polyamory. because i am open to anything (except same sex, sorry gals... i don't swing that way ) and i really would like to investigate- see where this leads. I trust both my friends. I know that allen and i will take things slow. I know he won't hurt me. and i know that no matter what- we'll always be friends. To think, this all was able to come about when i finally had to courage to ask allen if i could sit close and cuddle. I, was so terrified he'd say no. or that once i got there i'd find out there was nothing but to my surprise and delight, there was something. we don't know what, but there's something. But my happiness doesnt depend on him. it doesn depen don a relationship. i want to make that clear. I am happy because i am true to myself again.... still it helps when you have a hot gentleman (and that is what he is. a gentleman, and a romantic and well...a few other things *wink*) to keep your thoughts occupied! He actually thinks i am pretty. he tells me i'm sexy. he tells me all the things i want to hear, and my heart actually beleives them. You don't know just how bad things are until you find something good in your life. and this is good. I wonder where this will go? I never used to overanylise and be afriad of risk or change..... over the years i used it as a protection. now with allen, i am going back to who i was. and i am happy...and free. I am so curious, what is this and where will it lead? Only time will tell. either way i trust it. and i am happy :)
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
i FEEL SICK...
Maybe it's the bitch in me coning out, maybe its a bit off untapped anger but either way man do i feel pissed right now. I'm sorry but why must ppl inssist that they know the whole story and that they must comment of my former relationship to the point of actually saying "well you may end up getting back together"....
ummmmm.... wellllll..... what an i say to that.... how bout i bite my toungue cus here's what i am really thinking when ppl say stuff like that....
FUCK... OFF... SHUT UP NOW. YOU DON'T KNOW THE FULL STORY. YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
I mean come on. I think i am a big girl. I know what the fuck divorce means! and boys am i fucking pissed off right now at ppl who say thos stupid fucking words! bunch of dam idiots. when they say stuff like that i want to yell out...
"he likes 14 yr old girls!
he hasnt had sex with me in god knows how long!
there is absolutly no intimacy and he didnt want to get help!
he was a lazy bum!
he was an asshole who paraded around as a nice guy
he was an addict
he was a liar
and a hypocrite...
ya think that would shut their fucking mouths!
but no, i am a nice giel and i wont say those things because of course i dont want to cause a stir, and well all that crap.....anyways...... fuck i'm pissed!
on a better note...
i am happy. pissed off right now. but happy otherwise. been a long time comin and does it feel nice to be happy. and to be me. (threw ya thru a loop? well thats just me. once i get the inital burst out i am fine. it all goes away........ eventually.
ummmmm.... wellllll..... what an i say to that.... how bout i bite my toungue cus here's what i am really thinking when ppl say stuff like that....
FUCK... OFF... SHUT UP NOW. YOU DON'T KNOW THE FULL STORY. YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
I mean come on. I think i am a big girl. I know what the fuck divorce means! and boys am i fucking pissed off right now at ppl who say thos stupid fucking words! bunch of dam idiots. when they say stuff like that i want to yell out...
"he likes 14 yr old girls!
he hasnt had sex with me in god knows how long!
there is absolutly no intimacy and he didnt want to get help!
he was a lazy bum!
he was an asshole who paraded around as a nice guy
he was an addict
he was a liar
and a hypocrite...
ya think that would shut their fucking mouths!
but no, i am a nice giel and i wont say those things because of course i dont want to cause a stir, and well all that crap.....anyways...... fuck i'm pissed!
on a better note...
i am happy. pissed off right now. but happy otherwise. been a long time comin and does it feel nice to be happy. and to be me. (threw ya thru a loop? well thats just me. once i get the inital burst out i am fine. it all goes away........ eventually.
TODAYS THEME SONG......
to anybody who thinks that they know what the hell is going on and for anybody who thinks that i am doing the wrong thing or that i am weak! FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE! MY LIFE! MY HAPPINESS! I KNOW WHATS BEST! FUCK OFF!
ONE WAY SYSTEM: LEAVE ME ALONE
Miss a minute, miss an hour
Miss the meeting full of power
Miss the lines of constant depression
Catch my eye, witness my agression
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Not for you, not for me
Save me the humility
Knot the tie, time to fill
Meet you there, not until
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Yes to this, yes to that
Yes it's time to sit back
Three time ten down the line
Fuck you, I'm doing fine
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Fuck off!!!
ONE WAY SYSTEM: LEAVE ME ALONE
Miss a minute, miss an hour
Miss the meeting full of power
Miss the lines of constant depression
Catch my eye, witness my agression
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Not for you, not for me
Save me the humility
Knot the tie, time to fill
Meet you there, not until
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Yes to this, yes to that
Yes it's time to sit back
Three time ten down the line
Fuck you, I'm doing fine
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!
Leave me alone, leave me alone!
Fuck off!!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Self awareness....
I've realized something. altho i am strong enuff to be alone I CHOOSE not to be alone. It's my choice. I am in control. hearts break, hearts mend... My marriage was over a long time ago. I was just too stubborn to see. So while some may think that its only been a few wks and how cld i be over my ex ... i say this... i was "over" him a long time ago... i should never have taken him back but i was so afraid of change, so afraid of loneliness and honestly i wanted to beleive him that he'd change. i wanted everybody to be wrong about him. and i was blinded not by love but by hope and by stubbornness. not only that but my self esteem was so low i honestly didnt think i clould make it on my own. so i went back to what i knew. even tho i knew it was wrong,. I was so stupid! but my senses came around. I realised there had to be more. and there is. and i've never felt better. I feel the old me coning back. I'm back. I am me. and it feels so good.
MORE:
behind me
ruins.
memories and shattered dreams.
broken heart and torn apart
behind me
nothing.
ahead of me
light.
realities of possibilities unspoken
fresh starts and mended wings
ahead
lies more.
CURIOUS:
I don't know what this is.
No idea where it's going.
but i am not scared.
scarred, but not scared
I'll follow it along.
see where it leads
because it has me thinking.
what does it mean.
Who knows.
only time will tell.
but it has me thinking
and i am curious
to say the least.
MORE:
behind me
ruins.
memories and shattered dreams.
broken heart and torn apart
behind me
nothing.
ahead of me
light.
realities of possibilities unspoken
fresh starts and mended wings
ahead
lies more.
CURIOUS:
I don't know what this is.
No idea where it's going.
but i am not scared.
scarred, but not scared
I'll follow it along.
see where it leads
because it has me thinking.
what does it mean.
Who knows.
only time will tell.
but it has me thinking
and i am curious
to say the least.
yesterdays theme songs
well this is a song for the last seven yrs... this is a theme song for my ex! Thankfully, now i do not only see him. i know he is no good for me!
Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
[Chorus:]
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
[Chorus]
everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know
[Chorus]
well.... this is how i felt before... YESTERDAYS LYRICS (SO TO SPEAK) and trust me it is the exact opposite of how i feel now. I"ve figured out a few things, come to peace with myself. but to unserstand how i feel now, you need to see how i felt them :)
3 DOORS DOWN: CHANGES
LYRICS:
I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes
Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
[Chorus:]
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
[Chorus]
everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know
[Chorus]
well.... this is how i felt before... YESTERDAYS LYRICS (SO TO SPEAK) and trust me it is the exact opposite of how i feel now. I"ve figured out a few things, come to peace with myself. but to unserstand how i feel now, you need to see how i felt them :)
3 DOORS DOWN: CHANGES
LYRICS:
I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb
I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes
Thursday, August 30, 2007
another day, another day.... and well, another day...
Today was just one of those days.... last night i picked up more of my stuff. and now my room is pretty well on its way to being finished. Things are starting to come together, but it doesn't make things any easier. and today was just another one of those days. Maybe i was just tired, maybe i was on a pity parade, maybe i was a little heart broken... or maybe all three. but today was blah! quite the contrast compared to the other night. I had fun! I actually felt like my old self. I went out with my friend Allen till like 2am... we walked and talked and well, it was fun! Oh my god, the scenery was beautiful. a full moon lit up the sky. we found this meadow and the mist was just hanging slightly over the ground and it looked like silver! it was so peaceful, i wished his wife Emily was there too so she could see it too and experience th shear beauty of it all! i was so relaxed! it was like as long as i stayed right there, in that field, under that moon, with those stars, i could forget and just relax. i wouldn't have cared if i was all alone, because i was just that happy with me and with life and with well... everything. the only thing i woulda changed, i woulda worn rubber boots...stupid muddy meadow! but it was so nice to feel the old me coming back... she was gone the next morning when i woke up but at least i know she's in there someplace! just hiding i guess!
I still think about my ex husband a lot but now its not about hurt and anger, more like satisfaction i did all i could've done. that feeling of shame and guilt thankfully is starting to go away. I don't know where it came from, or how its is starting to go away and i am glad it is!
I really don't think i will ever be ready to have another relationship again.... nor marriage. just friendships. I couldn't give away my heart again.... to much pain. I am not so scared of being alone now. I realized that too the other night while walking. I know that i may eventually change but for now.... i think i am happiest alone. nobody can hurt you if they arent there right? I know that sounds stupid... and maybe i am just trying to convince myself hat alone is better or maybe i really mean it, i am not sure. right now my moods, my feelings, my life it's all mixed up.... its interesting to say the least. and will not be easy to find myself..... but i'll keep trying. at least i have taken the most important step to finding me and my happiness.... i dropped my ex husband and fianlyy saw him for what he was.... he was not for me. hopefully he'll find somebody to love him..... i will alwasy care for him like i do allmy ex relationships.... i just have no feelings of love lke i used too... too many times hurt and too many stupid lies and mean comments etc....
TURMOIL INSIDE: ME
sometimes i feel like i am falling
so far down,
i'll never get up again.
the dark, its comforting.
like an old friend it seeps in, fills me up
keeps me warm
other times i feel like i am soaring
far awaay and so high
everything fades away.
nothing and no one bothers me
i am free.
and still there are times when feel
like nothing.
there is no me, no him, no life,
just plain nothing...
its over now.
but i know its not....
and i go on.
I still think about my ex husband a lot but now its not about hurt and anger, more like satisfaction i did all i could've done. that feeling of shame and guilt thankfully is starting to go away. I don't know where it came from, or how its is starting to go away and i am glad it is!
I really don't think i will ever be ready to have another relationship again.... nor marriage. just friendships. I couldn't give away my heart again.... to much pain. I am not so scared of being alone now. I realized that too the other night while walking. I know that i may eventually change but for now.... i think i am happiest alone. nobody can hurt you if they arent there right? I know that sounds stupid... and maybe i am just trying to convince myself hat alone is better or maybe i really mean it, i am not sure. right now my moods, my feelings, my life it's all mixed up.... its interesting to say the least. and will not be easy to find myself..... but i'll keep trying. at least i have taken the most important step to finding me and my happiness.... i dropped my ex husband and fianlyy saw him for what he was.... he was not for me. hopefully he'll find somebody to love him..... i will alwasy care for him like i do allmy ex relationships.... i just have no feelings of love lke i used too... too many times hurt and too many stupid lies and mean comments etc....
TURMOIL INSIDE: ME
sometimes i feel like i am falling
so far down,
i'll never get up again.
the dark, its comforting.
like an old friend it seeps in, fills me up
keeps me warm
other times i feel like i am soaring
far awaay and so high
everything fades away.
nothing and no one bothers me
i am free.
and still there are times when feel
like nothing.
there is no me, no him, no life,
just plain nothing...
its over now.
but i know its not....
and i go on.
todays theme songs
goodbye. see ya later. i learned my lesson.....
MADONNA: GOODBYE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4pu4Pyq3G4A
LYRICS:
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
(chorus, substituting "no more places" for "no place left")
(chorus2)
well, w/ my ex husband there'll always be that question mar why? but hey maybe all our time was meant for was for "crying days".....
SCORPION: CRYING DAYS
LYRICS:
MADONNA: GOODBYE
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4pu4Pyq3G4A
LYRICS:
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
(chorus, substituting "no more places" for "no place left")
(chorus2)
well, w/ my ex husband there'll always be that question mar why? but hey maybe all our time was meant for was for "crying days".....
SCORPION: CRYING DAYS
LYRICS:
Force yourself to use your brain,
The only way to gain,
A lot of things are just a lie.
This world we love comes down in pain
With hate and bloody games
A question-mark up in the sky.
Look, you can’t keep away
And you can’t hide
Tomorrow, yesterday, today ...
Some people say, we’ll do it better
Some people say, everything’s good
Some people sing, let’s come together
But nobody has ever brought it through
Maybe you and me ...Crying Days
WELL, HERE I GO AGAIN, ON MY OWN. THIS TIME HE WON'T BE ALLOWED BACK!
WHITESNAKE: HERE I GO
VIDEO: http://youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs
LYRICS:
I don't know where I'm goin
but I sure know where I've been
hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again.
Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams. Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Just another heart in need of rescue
waiting on love's sweet charity
an' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'cos I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own
goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
but here I go again, here I go again,
here I go again, here I go,
here I go again
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
todays theme songs
well these ones speak of my hope not in any man but in Jesus..... This also speaks of my sadness and the knowledge that as bad as it gets, God is there.
HOLY BLOOD: SPRING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs5XWPxHMJQ
LYRICS:
The cold of ice has melted, springtime has come
Melted heart, full of fire
Lai-la-la-la, the spring has came!
The warmth flows down from heaven, straight into everyone's heart
Springtime will come for those, who search Him
You are the warmth, You are the springtime of the whole land
When the winter disappears, there You are
Holy Lord, You are love
You are The Spring of my life
My love, my life
You are The Springtime, E-he-hey!
The land is full
Of tears of despair
And full of disillusionment
As the sharp winter
The land strives in search
Of celestial warmth
For God’s springtime
To come for frozen souls
The Spring, hey!!!
The Spring, hey!!!
BARREN CROSS: THE EYE OF THE FIRE
VIDEO: NONE AVAIL. NO AUDIO EITHER......
LYRICS:
You are the beauty of life; carry that thought in your mind
Don't ever think you 're losing the game
Let all your feelings come out
Scream them out loud you can shout
Don't hold it in, call on his name
(Bridge)
Beware of the lie that it's happy to die, no, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
In the eye of the fire
In the eye of the fire
Do you feel weak inside?
Sometimes you wish you could die
Feels like no hope is ever to be
You have been hurting too long
Why not let god make you strong,
He'll lead you to joy, find him and see
Dying isn’t the key
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
You are the seed of life
Give up your pain and your strive
You 're better than who you think you are - by far
There is no easy way out
Of the problems you're facing, no doubt
But one thing I know
You don't have to go
Over the edge
There 's a lot you don't know
Jesus knows
Don't make his dream, the satanic scheme, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
HOLY BLOOD: SPRING
VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs5XWPxHMJQ
LYRICS:
The Spring
The light amongst the ice, the winter has endedThe cold of ice has melted, springtime has come
Melted heart, full of fire
Lai-la-la-la, the spring has came!
The warmth flows down from heaven, straight into everyone's heart
Springtime will come for those, who search Him
You are the warmth, You are the springtime of the whole land
When the winter disappears, there You are
Holy Lord, You are love
You are The Spring of my life
My love, my life
You are The Springtime, E-he-hey!
The land is full
Of tears of despair
And full of disillusionment
As the sharp winter
The land strives in search
Of celestial warmth
For God’s springtime
To come for frozen souls
The Spring, hey!!!
The Spring, hey!!!
BARREN CROSS: THE EYE OF THE FIRE
VIDEO: NONE AVAIL. NO AUDIO EITHER......
LYRICS:
You are the beauty of life; carry that thought in your mind
Don't ever think you 're losing the game
Let all your feelings come out
Scream them out loud you can shout
Don't hold it in, call on his name
(Bridge)
Beware of the lie that it's happy to die, no, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
In the eye of the fire
In the eye of the fire
Do you feel weak inside?
Sometimes you wish you could die
Feels like no hope is ever to be
You have been hurting too long
Why not let god make you strong,
He'll lead you to joy, find him and see
Dying isn’t the key
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
You are the seed of life
Give up your pain and your strive
You 're better than who you think you are - by far
There is no easy way out
Of the problems you're facing, no doubt
But one thing I know
You don't have to go
Over the edge
There 's a lot you don't know
Jesus knows
Don't make his dream, the satanic scheme, no
Wait out your strife but don't take your life
(Chorus)
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