three roses and a funeral

Been busy, Mae's youngest daughter ( forty sum odd yrs old) passed away saturday from cancer....

fuck....

Mae's son called me at 10am to tell me, i got the voicemail at noon. his son and pregnant girlfreind came down to stay with me. asked me to come to allt he family stuff cus i was family afterall...comforting.

hard week.

i love that family dearly, hard seeing them hurt to much. i didnt know her much but i know the rest of the family well enuff to be called family by them...

love them so much

hurting now..\going on 12 hrs sleep in 3 days.... neck feels like a iron rod...eyes r sorefrom crying, mouth sore from false smiles....

really hopeing my family freinds get thru this....

heres a poem below/ frist girl is JUne, she was maes granddaughter who died at the age of sixteen in a tragic car accident b4 i came alon to the family . second line is of course about Mae. third line is Mae's daughter the one who just passed away , Norma. will post more later, fer now am tired

Now I will have three roses to lay each a year at the graveyard.
One for the girl i never knew,
her years spent on this earth were far too few.
One for the woman whom i loved dear,
she was like family and a spiritual mentor for years
and now
one for the woman i wish i knew better
with strength beyond words and a love for family beyond measure.....

he forgot

he forgot about me...

said last night and this mornign he wld come by tonight to stay the night. i even texted him today asking if i wld still see him tonight...

hes been home since nine..

its one am....

he didnt even drop by... didnt text....

he....

just...

forgot all about me and his promise to stay over...

he,

forgot about me....

from this mornign till tonight....

he forgot..

and worst part is, everynight..and everymorning... he drops by to kiss me goodnight....and kiss me goodmorning...

he forgot....

my boyfreind

forgot about me....

im just gonna cry myself to sleep...

oh the reason he was gonna stay the night...last night he noticed i was upset, i have a funeral to go to tommorow for a freinds husband who died sudenly... and he said he wld stay over....

he fergot,,, he said this nmronign he wld still come by,,,,, he fergot...

he said he wld come by tonight...to stay over. I'm going to a funeral tommorow. for a freinds husband who passed away suddenly....

he said he wld be here...

its past midnight....

i have been waiting up for him.

he hasnt answered my texts from earlier tonight yet....

i dunno where he is...

i love him i do. and he is a wonderful man who treats me wonderfully. im just picking at flaws right?

right?

he said he wld be here tonight....

where is he?

wesley?

I deactivated my online dateing account for a while, once i figured out how. well i kinda deactivated it. it is no longer visable to anybody, but i still get emails once inna while reminding me to log in and chk my matches...

anyways i saw one such message today and a quick thought came to me "i wonder if i could get a reply to a personal on adate site" i dismisse dit immediatly but thenthought...

thats how all affairs start dont they? cheating starts with a simple innocent thought... and then a secret...small...then grows bigger..and then..bang...

just posting food fer thought...

btw apparently i am "clingy".... i dont think he ment it maliciously.... i juat hope he relaised i am not changeing..this is who i am in a relationship...

laters

'Like a savage beast with a wounded paw, she sits in the corner, swiping at anyone who draws near'

that is me.... so tell me, when the fuck am i going to stop lookign forflaws and taking swipes at somebody who loves

me all cus i fear im going to get hurt? how long b4 i let welsey actually get close and stay close...?

stop looking shit up online

I need to stop looking up shit online.... sumhow i stumbled across a cool pregnancy site, i was curious what Flower and her lil rose were going thru pysically.... and yeah..umm...

i have been nauseated now fer like two weeks. no real pattern... have had bad heartburn, have had , akhem, unpleasant smelling frequent bathroom trips, been running to pee a lot, have ha d achange in sleeping patterns, been tired a lot....

all symptoms of u know what.

excuse i had my period two or three weeks ago, i aint prego! still, i felt a shudder up my spine and came to the conclusion..

i gotta stop looking shit up online!

argh!

i aint prego... stupid frikkign flu, but doesnt mean those symptoms didnt gimme a bit of a heart stop...

on plus side.... i know how far along lil's flower was and what she wld have looked like and such...

poor flower... <3 <3

"be with sumbody who will know just what it means to have you, when they have you. NOt somebody who wil realise it when they have lost you"

oh how true...so tell me wesley... are u the first or the second in that description...? i know others who are the second one...lets hope u are the first one wesley

A lil tiff...

We had a tiff earlier this week... a friend of his had a mental breakdown, ended up in the hospital. was suicidal.

it brought back a lot of memories... and as is common with me two things happen when i am very upset...either i am silent and withdrwn....or i am moody

tues i was moody. I hadnt had a chance to talk to him, and he didnt pick up on my moodiness and being very different then usual... and i was going to talk t him tues night... but that didnt happen.

i was atta friends place, his freind called. asked us to pick up our stuff we had fergotten from haloween party. i said we cld pick it up that night as he was comeing back from boxing. it was on the way home anyways. and the freind offered a drive back

but when wesley came by, he said it was after nine and he wanted to get home to bed. i said it was only gonna take fiteen mins tops. he still said no. i was pissed , i had hoped to take this as a chance to see the freind and maybe aleiviate sum of my worries and as such get rid of a lot of these memories... so i said to him "then u call and tell him we cant come by. im not staying at ur friends place alone, we already discussed early one and a greed thats a bit odd. so u call and tell him u dnt have fifteen mins to spare..."

he said "later"

i said " wesley he is expecting us, please call him now and let him know we arent comeing"

"later"

now at this point, all this is extremely unusual of me... i dont nag. i dont pick fights. all this is weird...

i said again " call him wesley and let him know wr arent comeing, he is expecting us in like ten mins"

again h said "later"

i nagged him the whole way home..

now dont get me wrong, i shouldnt have nagged him, my bad. and i have already apologised to him fer that... that is not nirmal behavior for me, it is a sign sumthing is off...

so we got home, and he calls....

then i ask him to come by as i need to talk to him, he lives across the hall. hes pissed. im ashamed. and i need to talk.

he doesnt drop by. instead he plays his stupid online game till eleven.... i know this because i had to turn to my friend Sally to talk when he didnt show and sally says he is ignoreing my calls and texts as he is gameing. so i text him as much "you wont drop by yer freinds fer fiteen mins cus its is after 9 but u will game till eleven and u dont drop by when i ask when i say i need to talk...i am just a lil miffed"

the next day, my co workers who have know me fer less then six mths...all notice sumthign is up.... all ask me what is up...

we go two days without talking biut it then thurs we talk..i explain it all...he accpet smy apology...and then..nutting from him.

he says " yeah i was pissed at you for the nagging" .... as his reason to whyu he ignored my text and call

btw he stays up wed and thurs to game till eleven too..

so last night i talk and i begin by asking... is therr anythign bothering u. is sumthing up. u are acting oddly, gameing till eleven when u are usually in bed by nine thirty tops.....

he sayd no nothing is wrong, he is fine....

"every night u tell me u need to be home by nine thirty to go to bed. u have no time to cuddle with me, not even ten mins if it is poast nine thirty as u need ot sleep. i have to beg u to come by... and yet..this weke u have polayed ur stupid game every night till eleven r midnight. and u said tues u didnt wanna go to ur friends, who just had a mental breakdown, fer fifteen mins...cus it was past nine and yet u game till eleven or midnight...wtf. why?"

he was silent a long time, then said i was right, had no answers as to why and that he was really really pissed tues with my nagging and admits he ignored my texts and call.... and that was that...

then i piint blank said, when he acts out of ordinary i notice, i ask...he didnt think it wa sodd fer me to nagg. after nine mths i dont nagg, and im nagging.

he said i was right...

i told him why i was upset, anf thta i shouldnt have nagged. i was really upset he didnt clue into my unsual behavoir then didnt stop by to talk so i cld apologise and talk about what was bothering me...

nuttin...

and so later that night he says he forgives me again, we cuddle and im still upset..he is about to leave and im silent and almost crying again... and i dont hear him as he says sumthing, he clues into i dont hear him. im am snuggleing fi and trying not to cry and he just asks his question again and walks off..

so the next day i tell him i was upset...

and he feels like crap fer not noticeing..

i tell himit is fine, he cant always notice when i am down and if i do not tell him. i justw anted to let him know...

learning curves...

and now he acts as if everythingis all hony doary..and it is...

i suppose.

i just feel a lil annoyed my coworkers pick up n my feelings, and my boyfreind doesntt.\and i am more then a lil miffed that all it tkes is five minutes of nagging for him to be pissed...

argh

its not that bad..really..just a lil annoying

Flower's lost Rose

Sumbody i hardly know is going thru a lot of pain right now.... Her name is Flower, and she was pregnant. Flower's little rose died today.....

I am not a dear freind, and i rarely know what to say in these situations... im mostly an ear and a presence.... but im not close enuff to do that fer her but i still feel for poor flower...

dear god, she must be goign thru such pain...

she had already sent out the invites to a baby shower in january ......

poor flower.... she seemed so happy about this baby....

dear god,, i dont know why these things happen.... but i will be praying for her...and her loved ones.

Poor gal, she has had enuff bullshit in her life...this was supposed to be a lil bit of light for her...

she is young, there will be more, but that still dont change what happened...poor gal

CELINE DION: VOLE/FLY

VIDEO HERE ENGLISH

VIDEO HERE FRENCH

LYRICS:

ENGLISH:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/fly-lyrics.html ]
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

FRENCH

Vole vole petite aile
Ma douce, mon hirondelle
Va t’en loin, va t’en sereine
Qu’ici rien ne te retienne

Rejoins le ciel et l’éther
Laisse-nous laisse la terre
Quitte manteau de misère
Change d’univers

Vole vole petite soeur
Vole mon ange, ma douleur
Quitte ton corps et nous laisse
Qu’enfin ta souffrance cesse

Va rejoindre l’autre rive
Celle des fleurs et des rires
Celle que tu voulais tant
Ta vie d’enfant

Vole vole mon amour
Puisque le nôtre est trop lourd
Puisque rien ne te soulage
Vole à ton dernier voyage
Lâche tes heures épuisées
Vole, tu l’as pas volé
Deviens souffle, sois colombe
Pour t’envoler

Vole, vole petite flamme
Vole mon ange, mon âme
Quitte ta peau de misère
Va retrouver la lumière

OH AND ON A NON SAPPY NOTE, I LIKE ALLENS NEW GIRLFRIEND I DO BUT I SAWSUMTHIGN SHE POSTED TODAY ON FACEBOOK THAT MADE ME LAUGH.... "REAL men stay faithful. they dont have time to look at other women because they're too busy looking for new ways to love their own"

umm yeah thats both highly unrealistic and silly and also... not Allan. he HARMLESSLY flirts with anythign with a pair of tits, men included LOL. and besides that, to use an analogy, "its perfectly fine and relaistic and ok to look at the pretty clothes in the store windows, just dont go fantasizing about it or wanting to touch it, or worse yet try it on."

if u ask me....it takes an highly INSECURE woman to beleive in that crap.

I like her i do, i wanna make that perfectly clear. shes is a great sweet gal... but if thats what she beleives..she is a tad misguided to say the least. what the post shoudl say is ""REAL men stay faithful. they dont have to have affairs and fuck other women to be happy because they're too busy LOVEING their own woman/women"

yeah i may not be poly, but that dont mean i dont still talk like it LOl ;-) or beleive it. it doesnt jive with my faith, but that dont make it wrong.... it just isnt for me is all :-)

I think i respect emeily a whole lot more now...found out tonight, she cleared up sum rumours at ,y old job which she still works at. rumour was i was a homewrecker and had an affair with allan and i jeard it a long time ago..and it nvr went away..and she never said anything in my defense... which used to really hurt cus here i was being thought of as a slut and a homewrecker and... we were poly.

so apparently she told ppl...she and i and allan were poly. and that got rid of most of the rumours.

thanks you emily.

thank you...

i know that you didnt do it gor me...but..thank you. it has beena source of bitterness in my side fe a while that i endured rumours that nobody bothered to rectify all forthe sake of keeping a fucvking secret i wish to gawd i had never said i wld keep....

thank you....

i can breath easier.

hey i wld rather be thought of as a minority freak relatonship...then a homewrecker anyday!

just glad i am no longer there. lol

so wesley has an awesum haloween party planned. he is putting his sweet heart and soul in it. we r officially pirates now. lol not sexy, .... fuck i cldnt even make a sex kitten sexy. i am cursed with...cuteness.

wesley says from the neck down im sexy then u get to my head and my smile and ppl see cutesy....

cant i just be sexy.... please?

lol guess not

two parties, UFC night, class, and a show fer class.... man the bext 4 days r busy!!!!

laters!

Life...blergh!

So.... wesley is doing a halloween party.

i swear he is haveing so much fun planning this he is liek a kid on christmas....

I had my heart set on being a pirate for halloween....FINALLY. bout time i dress up as a pirate considering allan and emily's kids nickname they have fer me is a pirate name.

so i FINALLY convince wesley to go as a pirate and then..then...

none of the pirate chick cosyumes are fitting me cus they r all tacky or a size too small and... no mens costumes......

then i see.... a knight cstume...

a knight!

and wesley tried it on

and he lookes fucking epic

and i a practically creaming cus he looks epic

and then then...

i say i could geta princess costume and he can be my knight and i am all excited and

...

i cant find a fucking princess costume....

and then

he says the so to me it is too uncomfortable....

and

he wants to be a fuckign pirate...

argh!

well i got himto agree to be a pirate... but now

my hearts on princess and knight....

fer fuck sakes i just cannot be happy can i? i get what i want and i want sumthign else...

funny bout that...

that seems t be the reoccuring them

"fuck off i dont want you no more. go away!"

boo hoo i miss you come back

fuck you i dont want you no more go away

boo hoo im sorry come back

fuck you i dont want you no more

boo hoo im sorry come back...

yup, halloween paralelling life.... want one thing, get it , want another...

I was watching sumthign tonight...... reminded me of wesley......found myself thinking of wesley....

it weird...... he just slips in my mind....

i wonder if i do that fer him.

he says i love you a lot now. which is nice......

i still have this fear..... i feel like we r unbalanced at times. i mean , he scares me cus he knows women so well.... but sumthimes...he doesnt know me and to be honest sumtimesi diont know him.....

it is a learning curve.... i guess?

i still struggle with this horrible fear he will wake up one day and say... nope sorry....i know i love you but, not that way. so um sorry i got to go been nice dateing you but bye!

and not cus i think he want to hurt, i just have this ferar he will just decide ...

i nag too much

or i will be too fat

or sumthing will just make him go...nope sorry we dont mesh

anf then here i will have given my heart all over again and ...gone

or

i dunno......

the other thing i struggle with is....

time.....

i get two things from him... one is two yrs min b4 marrying sumbody... with one yr min living together...

ok....i agree with that..

but.... i think hes taking about a general thing cus then he metions he wants to be dun school first b4 he moves in.... with anybody...

and...

i dont wanna sit and talk bout this stuff in more detail then i have cus i get a scared wesley who doesnt talk back....

and...really its only 8 mths now dateing...., nine mths knowing....

but really after about 6 mths i felt ready to mve in.... with allan and even with frank and even woth wesley.....

and....

im afraid im waitng again....waiting ....and that my life

wil always

be

waiting....

but then i smack myself outta this silly stupour and say gorl let go and have fun

you dont fall in love for no reason....live with it.....go with it.....stop worrying and just let go and let love

which, is hard.....

so i keep letting him closer...keep battling my fears....

im honestly afraid t let sumbody all the way in cus....i did that with allan and i did that with frank and i got hurt....

but if i dont do this if i sont let ppl in...i will always be alone

an di cannot keep lookign back and compareing to past and i cannot keep yearing for the past i gotta move on move forward guard my heaty from the past but also open it up to the future....

and whether wesley is the furture permanantly or temperrilly i gotta stop thinking of....

i just need to live and love....

oh in case u wonder a lot of this came about cus of two married freinds with marriage troubles and one other friend couple with relationship woes .....

anyways....

goodnight

its 2am and i gotta work in 7 hrs.....

or i

I fucked up... again.... acted on impulse and old avice i may not have remebered correctly or may have been bad or faulty advice....

i fucked up...

she who shall not be named, blocked me and several others on facebook.... has sent me another 30 or 60 dollars i cant remeber..... and has moved away...

it wa soct 1st. she didnt say boo bout moveing yet. so i said to her" heard ur mveing today wassup"

she lied saying shes goignt o university and needs my email address to send me money

then i gve uit to her. then says it is sent. then doesnt send it till i say " i dotn see it" then i react...and wthout cxhking with all say

this by no means changes what u and aleisha did this is not a civil aaggrreement which will not prevent any legal action from takign place....

thats all

i fucked up

royally

fucvked up

pissed off at myself.

for the first time, ina long time.....

i feel lower then low.....

i dont tink the ords were wromg. whats i said was right. there wasno slander. no name calling. no angry words. othign but facts.

what i said was rigt

i m down on myself cus of timeing....and stupidity... cus of impulse.\i shld have talked to everybody b4 i mad ethe comments..\and i deeply regret it now

and i feel liekcrap

like im a fuck up...

i feel loiek a fuck up

sorry guys im sorry i fuycked up....

argh!

My eyes are bledding and my brain exploded

Curiousity didnt kill the cat...

it just made its brain explode and eyes bleed...

and yes i am talking about me

so anybody who knows me knows.... you do not use sexual slang terms around me cus i WILL use urban dictionary and iWILL school myself in the meanings...

so how did i get to nloody eyes and gooshy brain bits explodeing all over the wall ?

Wesley's freind, Tang (mandarin for hump) , mentioned to me and wesley and our other friend Brent, about a video on youtue whoch skids the pornographic line waaaay too close for youtube and will make our brains explode due to the horrible awful sound the woman is making called singing...

the title of the song is..

pussy be yanking....

my brain had already exploded from the horribl sounds she was making which were being passed as singing and my eyes were beinging to bugle su to the borderline pornography...

after the video i asked "what is a yanking pussy"

to which i was asked to google as nobody knew .

to which i went to urban ditctionary...

after which i read a definition which mentions it as "A black womans blue waffle that smells trifling and a lot of guys fuck"

to which i asked

what is a blue waffle?

anf then urban dictionaried

then googled

and then

my eyes exploded and i decided to never have sex again... ever....

well at least until my previously exploded brain unburns the image which was seared into it before my eyeball bled.....

so here you are, the video "pussy be yanking" here

and the google definition of "blue waffle" here

i warn you, your brain will explode and your eyes bleed....

promise me, you will tell your loved ones goodbye before you click as i promnise you will never be the same..\you cannot unhear or unsee these...

*shudder*

sex, bad...sex verrrry bad. no sex. safe vagina with no sex....

why oh why am i so very curious? it is going to kill me one day....

lol

theme songs

I try to imagine wesley singing this to me..... that he will nvr break my heart.

Backstreet Boys: I'll never break your heart

Video here

lyrics :

Spoken:
Baby, I know you are hurting
Right now, you feel like you could never love again
Now, all I ask is for a chance
To prove that I love you

From the first day
That I saw your smiling face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever (ohhh)
When I asked you out
You said no, but I found out
Darling, that you'd been hurt
You felt that you'd never love again

I deserve a try, honey, just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in, you were so quick to judge
But, honey, he's nothing like me

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart (I'll never break your heart)
I'll never make you cry (I never wanna see you cry)
(baby no, no)
I'd rather die than live without you (live without you)
I'll give you all of me (give you all of me)
Honey, that's no lie
(2x)

As time goes by
You will get to know me
A little more better
Girl, that's the way love goes (baby, baby) (ohhh)
And I (ohhh) (I) know you're afraid (know your're afraid)
To let your feelings show (feelings show)
And I understand
But, girl, it's time to let go
It's time to let go, because

I deserve a try honey just once
Give me chance and I'll prove this all wrong
You walked in, you were so quick to judge (quick to judge)
But, honey, he's nothing like me
Darling why can't you see

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (make you cry) (I'll never make you cry)
I'd rather die than live without you (I'd rather die) (die)
I'll give you all of me (than live with out you girl) (than live)
Honey, that's no lie (baby) (I'll never break your heart)
(2x)

Bridge:
No way (no way girl), no how
I'll make you cry (make you cry) (ahhh)
No way (you cry )no how (I say no how)
I'll make you cry (ahhh)

Chorus:
I'll never break your heart (I would never do that to you)
I'll never make you cry
(Oh just give me a chance I love you girl)
I'd rather die than live without you (ahh, ohhh)
I'll give you all of me (I will give you the world)
Honey, that's no lie (you are my doll)

I'll never break your heart (I'll never, I'll never, I'll never)
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die, than live without you (honey, I'll never)
I'll give you all of me (Ohh, I miss you, I want you, I need you)
Honey, that's no lie

I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry (Oh, honey I'll never)
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me
Honey, that's no lie

(Chorus to fade)

I constantly feel liek this about wesley, that hes outta my league that im fool to fall for him... that i have nuttin for him but baggage and hurt and messed up ness.... but i am trying to see him as the wind tat carries me ....and trying to see him as in my league... it takes time to let go and let love again i guess :-)

Patrick Swayze: She's Like the Wind

Video here

Lyrics

She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

[SOLO]

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

Feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
(She's like the wind)
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
She's like the wind

(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)

what i do

This blog, is my safe place. its where i write my morbid, bad, or gloomy thoughts. its where i get out my frustrations, my darker side, my sadness..whatever...

it is my safe place.

very few ppl know of it.

even fewer ppl have the address

my life can be goign perfectly fine but sumtime i just need to blog out onelil frutratin that is itching me and wont go away..

My life is really god,

im happier then i ahve been ina while, honestly. and a lot of that had to do with a new job, a new man, and a new life....

but i still have my monets when i get negative and melancholy or depressed ...i have my highs and lows and when im low

i blog

but i promise you, life is good.

im happy

frustrated

but happy

i love my wesley, he treats me like gold and is the best thing to happen to me ina while...we just have our learning curves.

with me it is slowing down

with him it is haveing a girlfriend LOL

but i am happy

and a lot of ppl see it. get annoyed by it

everything is wesley this wesley that...

i look forward to his kisees every morning

friday and saturday nights are spent in bes with him

the weekend mornings are lazy, fun...filled with giggles

i laugh a lot more now

sumtimes he is like a man child.....gofy. but he brings out my goofy side too. and i need that.

he is still learnign about me, my eotions and personality and how to speak "me"...and that frustrates me to ne end as i feel we shoudl know each other so well by now. but then i rember, he has a very slow learning curve. as do i....

so nine mths of knowing 7 of which dateing to him...are prob liek 3 mths to another cpl....

and i relaised...my melancholy is cus

i am compareing him to allan and frank....

youcant compare. it only frustrates...

but he still messes up

as do i

learning curves...

one day atta time....

i can hardly picture a day wothout him now...

i even dontwanna move, cus as much as i despie the bitch downstairs who compains about me everytime i have kids over.... i love living across the hall fromw esley...

yeah, he fucks up. he forgets plans, doesnt tell me stuff liek when his dad n him were thinking of moveing, can be a tad too logical, or misinterprets what i say or do....

but he is wesley. and i have lotsa faulst too...

i love him...

and not a day goes by i dont think of him

not a day goes by i dont wonder when we will spend outr lives together...

altho, i keep that to myelf...dont wanna scare hime. or me.

i mean, 7 mths...

is it normal to be wanting to spend ur life with sumbody at that point????

or is that too fast????

i dont knwo whata normal relationship is supposed to be....fraNK WAS ABUSIVE, NEGLECTFUL....

allan was unique, unconventional kinda relationship.... but not bad.

and.,,,theres my experience.... abusive and unconvetional....

maybe thats sumthing to ask the therapist....

whats a normal relationsip? when is it too soon to think of the rest of ur life?

how long r learnign curves....?

when do u know if u fit?

this, is confusing to me.... but i take it a day atta time...and hope against hope wesley doesnt leave me....doesnt think im too fucked up...

cus i am fucked up..

and may days go by... i wonder if he is too good for me.

i fight those thougts of not being good enuff a lot. thaks a lot sexual molestation, thanks a lot you really know how to mess with a persons self esteem....

i gotta remember....

i'm a flower

a diamond

and a little bird

im beautiful

precious

and free

it is hard, but i try to remeber i am good enuff for wesley. i deserve happiness. and i need to be patient. good things come to those who wait. despite the fact my patience has hurt me int he past...i think it will be ok to be patient this time...

i love yo wesley,

you are in my heart.... i trust you. just please, be patient with me too. im ina learning curve too.

all is good we talked

WE talked last night,

we both apologised. he misread my words, i need t watch what i say...

i kinda dont liek that.

"you need towatch what you say"

i'm me.... i'm not changeing. and i candt just watch what i say..... i'm supposed to be able to say whatever around him cus he's the only erson i can be me around...i dont wanna have a guard up over my words...

i say what i mean, mean what i say but also sumtimes i get my words mixed up an say things wrong cusi said one thing thought i was clear and turns out it meant sumthign else to somebody esle and i need need need sumbody in my life...

who knows me enough to understand what i mean....and not misinterptret my words...

and i hate to say it..

but allan speaks "me." he knew what i meant when sumtimes i said one thing meaning one thing and sumbody esle would think it meant sumthing else he spoke "me" and understood what i meant.

maybe that comes with time...i mean i knew allan for yrs an hime me fer yrs

maybe wesley just needs time to learn speaking "me"

he apologised this morning by making me lunch when he came by for our moring kiss he gave me lunch :-) very sweet. he knows i grab a lot of stuff and dont eat well at work cus i dont normally make my lunches....

sumtimes, i feel liek this relationshipis the best thing since slicved bread

other times i feel liek im waiting for my life to begin with my love.....and i have always waited...and its painful to be waiting...again.....

othertimes i am blissfully inlove..and i thinki will try to stay there...blissfully in love...

jus go with the flow...one step atta time

anbody who know me...knows that aint me...

but i will try

for wesleys sake. i love him. will try and be patient....

lol, im so very very silly...

buti feel bttr after talkign wth him. even if i dotn agree with the "u need to watch what u say"

gimme a kiss to buld a dream on is stuck in my head

"loui armstron- Gimme a kiss"

video here

I've known him now, fer nine months. i've dated hime for seven of those nine months.... but sometimes i wonder...

i love my wesley with all my heart, and he claims to be good at reading people and i've seen him do it...

so why cant he read me?

after nine months of knowing each other, seven of which dateing.... shouldnt he know...at the very least...

when i'm upset.

even his freinds clued in i was sad. one knew it just by the fact i had fallen behind from the fack and that i wasnt my usual bouncy talkative self....

wesley just walked on

onblivious. or if he wasnt, he didnt adress it. which is worse. so i wlll choose to beleive he was oblivious.

it wasnt anything big, but i was still upset.

i messed up again is all.

yesterday morning, i woke up and had a ruff nights sleep the night before. wesley came by for his usual morning kiss beofre he headed off to work. then at ten to i got my stuff and started to head outthe dorr only to find....

my helmet was not at my place. i had asked wesley to bring it up for me the night before and had forgotten to get it from his place....

i should never have asked him to bringit up, its my responsibility to remember my stuff and cus i was inna rush to get to a freinds place i asked him to bring it up and it got left athis place cus i failed to remeber where it was.

my bad, my fault.

still made me mad at me tho cuswell, not i was gonna be late to work.

so i called wesley hopeing against hope he hadnt left fer work yet....

but when i called, he said that he was almost to work...

"ah fuck, shit. wesley my helmets at yer place! now im gonna be late to work! arrrrgh! i cant afford all these cabs! shit"

"ummmm...well i can pay you back for the cabs dear"

"no, i dont need you to pay for my cabs. its my own damn fault for getting you to bring up my helmet anyways..."

click

he hung up on me

i meant to add, "argh! its my responsibility to remeber mt helmet . not yours. thanks anyways for offering to pay"

but, he hung up b4 i cld finish. he thought i was mad at him. he mistook my anger as anger at hime. and hey i understand why, because if you dont have that extra clarifying bit.... it can seem liek i was angry at him. but i was really angey at myself. not him. i swear. i was not angry at him. i was genuinly honestly angry at myself for forgettingmy helmet at his pace and for not realiseing it till ten mins to .... my own damn fault.

and my freinds know me well enuff to knw that bout me. i get frustrated with myself easilly. get angry at myself easilly. and i vent.

i vent.

then i calm down n i'm fine.

i would loiekto piint out i wasnt freaking out. i wasnt swearing left right and centre. if anyting, i sounded really annoyed. but not pissed off...

but i was pissed off when he hung up on me and i tried calling back and he didnt answer. i evn sent him a text and nuttin.

later that day when i saw him, i said "you hung up on me this morning" and he said "yeah, you were bitching me out" ... i was shocked. first of all, when sumbodys bitching you out... dont u think it might piss em off MORE when u hang up on them. the proper way is to ignore them. keep the phoner one and do sumthign else. eventually they stop ranting and u hear a "hello? hellooo?' and then you gibve it a cpl second silence and say " r u done now?" then the person relaises they were bieng a bitch, and then everybodys calm... hang up...pisses ppl off more.

anyways.... he says cus i bitched him out so then i say

"no babes, i was moaning. complaining. angry at MYSELF. theres a difference"

but then he just brushed it off....

so i said

"u dont hand up on me. thats rude. and next time i'll beat thump you" i added with a smile

he, dint smile

"oh really" he said serious faced....

wtf, cant he tell wheni'm joking????? i've used that joke before....it usually goes "how" and i say "with my boobs, they dont leave bruises" then he usually stuffs his facein my boobs and i shake em and he says "why? why do u do this to me????" and we laugh...

not tis time thos, he took me seriously....

so, i began to mope cus he was mad at me er sumthing ....

and i tried not to mope too much.

i just didnt walk beside him hand in hand or arm in arm as usual...

i walked behind.

i wasntmy usual talkative bouncy self.

i was quiet.

i walked alone.

and my face prob didnt have a smile...

welseyes freind, whos known me less time then he has....falls behind and says to me

"everything ok back here. your awfully quiet?"

i said "i'm justa lil down"

he says "oh bummed out bout no game tonight"

i say "no no, not that. bummed out bout this morning. its just started ff wrong"

he says "oh, i understand. ok. " and walks beside me

my freind, whos a guy, who knows me less then my boyfreind...picke dup i was upset...

and my boyfreind didnt...

that hurt.

the night carried on and i'm still mopey. i wanna talk to wesley. apologisefor this morning by expolaining i really wasnt bitchinh him out. that i was honstly moaning at me. i was venting. and theres a difference....

but as the evening ended withhis friend going hoime from my place...

he says he doesnt hav emuch time to stay, has to get home to sleep. hugs me fer bout five mins...

then leaves...

thats it......

i dont even get a decent cuddle in.

so i text him, tell hime point blank, im sad that even his freind oticed..that sumtime she is so logical he misses things. thati was sad and then all i got was five mins with him ....

no reply.

not surprised

he s n ot a terrible boyfriend by anymeans. he trwats me like gold. like a princess,. he is sweet and careing . he is a wonderful boyfreind

just smetimes ...

i feel liek he doesnt know me...and mis interprest what i do orsay...or worse yet..

sometimes he treats meliek one of the guys...

"ok i hung out with her. thats enuff. bye"

its lie he doesnt understand, i need us time too, not just us with buddy time. and it sliek he doesnt get my emotions....

and its been nine mths we have know each other and seven of which dateing...

and i began to wonderif it was just me. or do my freind know me better then him when it coems to sum stuff... like readingmy emotions.

and i wodnered if it was a timne thing. maybe thay have known me longer?

so i texted a buncha freinds... "how do u know ehn i am upset? and what donu do to cheer me up? " i asked long time freinds, and friends i have only known for a short term... one knew me for 6 mths, another 9 mths, anther 1 yr, and two fer 6 yrs and you knwo what

they all came up with " by your tone of voice, your body language...etc etc then asked if i was ok? so iasked if they had a talent for this.... two replied yes, the others just reiterated..its a matter of reading ody language..... anyways

it just....

shouldnt he clue in????

or is it a time thing?

i dunno....

i love him with all my heart...

and he doesnt mess up. he ona learning curve i tel myself.... hes just learning. and it is always little things....

am i just overthinking...but then again..shoudl he have been ableto tell iw as sad? was he mad at me fer this morning? couldnt he have spent more then five mins worth me after we spent several hours with his buddies...

i asked him to stay, and he said "no i sayed uplate a lot this week. i need to sleep"

so, n its not liek i expected him to mind read. when he didnt clue in, i asked him to stay...and he didnt....

so yeah, even wheni ask.... i dotn get....

and i loev him, but there are times when if eel more liek a buddy..then a girlfriend...

and i know hes just inexperienced.....

anther reason i wassad...

the night before he made a comment about moveing in together to a freind...

they asked when he was gonan move in to myplace and he said

"not anytime soon. not for liek five years. im in school"

................

and here is th real rean i wa supset...

here i am

waiting....

again....

five yrs puts me at thirty three or thirty four...

and althoi want to spend my life withhim,,

kinda hoped we cld start a lil sooner then thirty three or thirty four...

espeicially since at thirty to thirty five my high risk pregancy goes from high risk to dangerous given my heart.....

and....i kind dont ewann be in this dateing phase.... fer five yrs....

i woudl liek to move in togetehr...iove together...i figure after bout 2 yrs of dateing....

apparently he thingks five yrs, and i get mixed messages bout that cus we talked before and agreed 1 yr till move in and another yr after b4 marriage....

and now he back to the five yr thing... \

just upset sme...

cus\i am stuck

waiting\again....

for years

again...

and it bring up a lot of bs from emily and allan

\i dont wanna wait that long

i wanna sart my life.... in the near furture...ina yr from now will be amost 2 yrs dateing....

i dnt wan wait another 5 yrs

i am tired of wating......

so very very tired

and thats why i wa supset... combined with the mornign bit.... i was really upset but he nvr noticed, or choose to ignore, which made me more upset...

i just

i want alife witht h man i love

not limbo for five yrs....

at least.... he said fiveyrs at leats...i wld liek to add....

Group today

We had my survivors of childhood abuse group today.

there was only three of us. numbers have been dwindoling.... but it happens in summer to a lot of groups. shoudl pick up ina moth or sl and stay stead till bout may then drop down again..

Theres a former freind, a gal i know...who pretended to have mergency custody of a child who wa sa survivor..... to con into getting free shit...

makes me sick...

the gfroup knows....

and today, i was asked how i cld be happy and smiling .... was told ki was aan inspiration....strong....etc yada yada yada yada

yeah, right.

me?

i do not feel liek anything al all like what she said....

i still struggle with accepting myself without putting me down....

i dont hink i deserve to be happy

dont think i derserve wesley

i do not hink i am owrthles tho, or garbage...i just... i am very very hard on myself...

many time si wonder...

if i am just meant to be alone

cant hurt anybody when u r alone...

and you cant get hurt neither...

but then i rmeebr what the goups says bout me...and it helps but still...

all the things i hold inside

deep dark thoughts

behind smiling eyes,

a heart scarred,

and a soul in pain.

slut, bitch,

dimwit, fool,

all the thoughts

i fight to control.

life goes on

but thought remain

i am nothing

and never will be.

I dont think of suicide, or hurting myself, or anything liek that...not anymore, i delat with that bull shit. i think nothign destructive, honest...

i just .... dont feel i deserve happiness, love, wealth, family....

and i know i do deserve them. so i try to fight the feelings. i push thru them. try to change them .\its hard work... and it all stems from my abuse as a child. trying to fix yourself physically is hard, tryin to change your patterns of thought and emotional fucked-up-ed-ness, thats harder...

i do deserve happiness, wealth, love family.. i just need to keep remindng myself...

and i tolf the group that today....

anothe rmember shared she finds it hard to get outta bed everymorning, another sdhared that our stretght is her stretgh....

liltte bird with broken wings.... is the picture i get of myself... over and over... i see me, as a little bird with broken wings... everytime i focus inwardly on me

dotn knwo why, but thats the image i keep haveing of me... wonder what it means?

there just too much hurt

hes awake...dammit... how do i tell him

shit

i was gonan email him and hope he got it later int he day

allan invited me to go buy sumthing at a local store with him. i assume with him and his new girlfriend or maybe with him and emily

i ca only assume not alone

hope not alone

but after accepting the offer...

i feel sick

and dont want to....

im playing with fire. even if he doesnt do anyting, it still feels wrong to me

and wesley says he agrees olnly because i feel wrong bout it then there must nbe sumthing wrong...

so....

im not gonna go to buy that stuff with allan and company

and i never will have contact aside from group gatherings, facebook, emails, and texts...

emily is a different story. i dont feel this way bout her....

but him..

yes

there just too much history of hurt....

and i am sorry but i just dont have the stregth heart stomach or whateer to overcome it

im hurt

and i cant handle the thought of him being monogamous with somebody other then emily...

or me.... withoutpain

im over allan

doesnt mean it still doesnt hurt to know hes gonna give sumbody else eerything i asked but cldnt have and even more...

i wish you both the best

i will keep my distance with my wesley

i love my wesley he is all i need

i want t marry wesley have his kids and grow old with him

allan will always be in my heart, just not in the way i always wished....he willbe liek frank. al memory. sumtimes happy sumtimes sad.

maybe aquaintances.

nvr like it was b4...

i just canr take that chance of pain ever again

oh dear

Made jager snitzel for supper tonight fer weskey...he has been goign thru such a ruff time. its hard being his cheerleader... i'm really runnign low on positive energy.

but tonight, he came up behind me while i was cleaning up supper and wrapped his warm loveing arms around me, placed his head on my shoulder and said :thanks for cookign supper tonight. it was deleicious" i asked "are you happy now" and he said "yes, it was just what i needed" *planted a kiss on me*

there are times, when i wonder why i ever doubt this relationship..................

he is very sweet.... but hes beating himself up over this sql server and iron sumthing er othert programs and also over visual basic(?) .... he is being caled on this stuff at work and fells he is lacking....

so today i asked him what he was feelign he lacked and sent him a buncha links to free tutorials online...hopeing they wld help. they duidnt, cus he ditn even bother looking at them... says tried but was too tired to concentrate

btw, he still cannot sleep too well in bed with me...

thats dispointing.... in his defense, neither can i!

why is it, with allan i could sleep to my heart conten with him and he with me...

but withw esleyhe cant. i mean i sleep well with him, just sumtimes i toss n turn a lot..but i sleep.... him...not so much

i dont knwo what else to try to help...

this cheerleader is gettign cherrleaded out...

i wish he wld stp being so hard on hinself at work\and i wish he cld start falling alseep at my place...

poor guy.... im sure he willf eel betetr soon

okies....

todays theme songs

Nothing lasts forever..... change, is inevitable. we must try to accept it and move with the least amount of suffering.

KANSAS: DUST IN THE WIND

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS HERE

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kansas-lyrics/dust-in-the-wind-lyrics.html |]

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

Vodka?

not sure why...but i wanna to get absulutely foosnickered...on vodka. i blame Wesley...he planted this song in my head by playing it for me today on his laptop LOL ;p

I know emily would prob like to get foosnickered to forget sum stuff i bet... hells even allan prob would turn down a good foosnickering...

or mayeb they wouldnt wanna get fiosnickered .. hell maybe i dont wanna neither...

we've all changed i bet,

n e ways...

to vodka! well, not to vodka as in goignt o vodka, i mean cheers to vodka!

Korpiklaani - Vodka
video here

lyrics:

Vodka, you're feeling stronger
Vodka, no more feeling bad
Vodka, your eyes are shining
Vodka, you are the real MAN
Vodka, wipes away your tears
Vodka, removes your fears
Vodka, everyone is gorgeous
Vodka, yeah vodka

Drinking is good for you,
Soon you are unconstrained
Drinking is good for you,
Here comes the womanizer
Drinking is good for you,
Not anymore lonesome
Drinking is good for you,
And you will feel awesome!!

Out of respect for nature,
Our vodka and drinkers.
Promising, that the vodka
We serve, is as pure as it was
Thousands of years ago.

Out of respect for nature,
Our vodka and drinkers.

Vodka, you're feeling stronger
Vodka, no more feeling bad
Vodka, your eyes are shining
Vodka, you are the real MAN
Vodka, wipes away your tears
Vodka, removes your fears
Vodka, everyone is gorgeous
Vodka, yeah vodka

Drinking is good for you
Soon you are unconstrained
Drinking is good for you
Here comes the womanizer
Drinking is good for you,
Not anymore lonesome
Drinking is good for you,
And you will feel awesome!!
Drinking is good for you,
Soon you are unconstrained
Drinking is good for you,
Here comes the womanizer
Drinking is good for you,
Not anymore lonesome
Drinking is good for you!!

Raaah!

Vodka, you're feeling stronger
Vodka, no more feeling bad
Vodka, your eyes are shining
Vodka, you are the real MAN
Vodka, wipes away your tears
Vodka, removes your fears
Vodka, everyone is gorgeous
Vodka, yeah vodka

Drinking is good for you,
Soon you are unconstrained
Drinking is good for you,
Here comes the womanizer
Drinking is good for you,
Not anymore lonesome
Drinking is good for you,
And you will feel awesome!!
VODKA!

fire?

are some people...meant to be in your life?

are there some freindships, which can be broken and medned and broken and mended again? kinda like gold is tempered in fire?

am i, playing with fire?

are some people ...best forgotten?

argh...i dont know.

i know i miss my freinds...i just dont miss the bullshit.

and i know i hear bout bad shit happening to them..and i get worried for them.... and its frustrating cus its been 6 mths and part of me should have just let go and moved on...

but i guess not...

are some people, sum parts of life..best forgotten?

am i playing with fire....?

i have wesley, so theres no danger there...

still....

are we all gonna get burned ? we are already scarred enough....or are we...

i dont know anymore.\i just know, i miss my freinds....and.... i do care bout them...even now...and i tried being angry and bitchy....i treid pushing and screaming and yelling...

i told myself i hatred them....

and stilli couldnt bring myself to hate them....

not even after 6 mths....

My nick name

Found out tonight....he has a nickname for me. wesley has balled me "babes" all along. and when i do my boob bounce ",y little night elf" and when i shove tits in his face "my anime babe"...

but tonight he let one slip i had never heard

"lovey" no i did not musty[e it...he calle dme "lovee" or "lovie" or as i like to type it "lovey"

he admitted he thouhgt uf it a while ago it is just that doesnt like to say it aloud as outside it could be "gay" sounding

he is so funny

so i told him i loved it.... which i do...and said inside wld be fine. though i suspect he will eventually say it outside.

the name made me smile..

only one other name has made me smile so deeply

"sweetness"

i said no to poly.....not to allan. but perhaps my heart is letting go. soem things are best forgotten....happy memopries can be painful. lost hops and dreams can be painful...

and to smile that deeply...felt amazing. lovey. lol. i like it... suits me as much as sweetness did i think.

wesley still has a lot to learn... he messes up as a boyfreind a lot. somthimes treats me like a buddy ...but cus hes nvr had a girlfreind except one for 6 mtsh when he was 18. so i forgive him... he hurts me, but it is always unintentional..it is a learning curve. i accept the hurt, and move on.... hopeing he will learn from it....

it s hard being a grlfriend to sumbody inexperienceed...but...he treats me well and is sweet and loves me

he says i love you a lot now. always replies bk, unless we r in public. but that comes with time...

i have to have patience with him... slowly.... he leanrs and slowly will get used to me and me to home with him...

home...

i am terrifies to let myself go so much that i will dream of home again...

that pain, that pain of haveing home ripped away... nearly destroyes me..nearly killed me...

i....am leery bout lettign go and lettign home sink in again...

i want to be at home woth wesley... it is just errigying.

i love wesley.....with all my heart that i have. it isnt much of a heart as two othe men had it befor ehim...but it is a ll i have..and it is his...

i just nee to let go and let home..i have already let go and let love...now let home....

hsppiness is a sweet name, warm embrace, and words that make you melt

He says "i love you" a lot more now. it feels wonderful to hear. he still cant sleep well over here..but that will take time.

he still screws up....i mean just the other night we were at a carbival and it was a date and he had already said he wld go alone one night....and he stopped to play this stupid gambling game. and i got so mad cus here was our date night...and he was gambling. and so i told him as such and walked off to our freinds. he cldnt figure outwhy i was mad then said...in a loud tone, ok he yelled at me "holy crap woman, i said like four times now i just wanted to do it once"

at that point..i walked away.

i was going to yell at hi

or punch him

or make a scene..

u dont yell at me.... ever

he caught up to me. and apoalogised... laer that night i explained i dont liek gambling and alsoit was our date night and here he was leaving me alone to gamble then he yells at me when i get upset. and i didnt yell at him. i just walked away and made a comment "not on our date night please. u have ur own night later on" he apologised..

but still..he yelledat me...

n e ways.... it just bothered me.

tonight, i was sumhow invted to a bachelorette on the fly! it was kinda cool. i was walijng by and a gal went "Cries alone!! i know u, hey u wanna come in, its my bachelorette" i had t work tommorow but i said...sure...

i txted allans girlfriend ( yes allan and i are talking again) and she said she wld come... so we spent our first time together..drinking, danceing and talking bout sex. a lor about sex. i tried to talk as much as i cld bout her and allan and bout me and wesley so i cld get used to her and allan....

still hurts liek hell..

i didnt day no to allan...

i said no to poly.

and i love my wesley and i will nvr betray him and nether woudl allan betray his new girlfriend.... still....

it hurt cus... here he is saying everything to her..everything he nvr said to me but were wy i left..

they will get married, have kids, be monogamouse...

all the reasons i said no...\aree no longer valid

but i have my wesley. and i love my wesley.... and he can give me the possibility of more and i love my welsey....but that dest mean it wont hurt....

im just glad i have my wesley..he is everything allan wasnt. he is my whole world. and i love him.

and he treats me so well..

it just takes getting used to is all...

i love you wesley

6mths?

a dinner wher ei cld wear my lil black dress and he wld wear his purple shirt n tie, and a lovely watch ...which is silver, and has a mother of pearl face, and spakling swarvsky crystals alla roundthe face...

it is lovely. simply beautiful. \not at all what i expected...is ee why he wld plan this for a mth. it is exquisite...and not cheap

nope, jewelrry store and he said :this sint no twenty five dollar watch"

it isnt the gift..it is again what he said

"you have small delicate wrists. i wanted to get sumthing the would not be too large" and :you are alqways lookign at your phone forthe time and u never waer a watch"

and it matched mt silver and pearl necklace w/ the swavsky crystals and the sparkling earings

i hate wering a watch is why i do not have one, but for one this pretty wow i tnow love waringf watches LOL

and all i got him was a cpl shirts he loved and a movie and i promised to make him sunday pie and a spaghetti dinner and treated him to lunch. mind u i scoared the mall for a "i love boobies" shirt cus i knew he wld love it. and he did. he always wears silly shirts and he really loves boobies. and i got hima nother that is superman saying "im kinda a big deal" lol cus its his fave superhero...and i hate spooky movies but i bought him paranomal 2, and promised we wld wathc it after the dinner i made.... i mean the whole thing set me back 70$.... expensive day...but..its not anythign compared to this watch...wow....

i love being spoiled, but his gifts make mine look so..tacky///despite i put alot of thought and love and heart intot hem...

but he loved my gift too...so...that all that counts :-)

todays theme songS

Oh my dear wesley....i love you :-)

BURT CUMMINGS : PLAY U A RHAPSODY

VIDEO HERE AND THE WARNING IS THERE CUS THERE R SUM STEAMY PICS

LYRICS:

What will you see? What will you be?
Anything you want to love is easy
How will you know if I am for you?
You won't know me to see me, but you'll know by what I do

For I will play a rhapsody
Cleverly disguise it, so it's not been heard before
And I will sing a lullaby
Let you know I'm near you through the night to keep you warm

How will you know? Where you should go?
Anywhere you want to love is fast or love is slow
Falling through feelings and falling through time
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/burton-cummings-lyrics/i-will-play-a-rhapsody-lyrics.html ]
You won't know me to see me, but I'll come to you in rhyme

For I will play a rhapsody
Cleverly disguise it, so it's not been heard before
And I will sing a lullaby
Let you know I'm near you through the night to keep you warm

I will play a rhapsody
Cleverly disguise it, so it's not been heard before
And I will sing a lullaby
Let you know I'm near you through the night to keep you warm
I'll let you know I'm near you through the night to keep you warm

I will play a rhapsody

THIS SONG ALWAYS MADE ME THINK OF ALLAN, AND NOW I THINK OF WESLEY WHEN I HEAR IT :-)

POUR SUM SUGAR ON ME : DEFF LEOPARD

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS:

Step inside, walk this way
You and me babe, hey hey

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man
Your man

Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss-a-innocent sugar me, yeah

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can't get enough
I'm hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah

Listen
Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up
I loosen up

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little
Tease a little more
Easy operator come-a-knockin' on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah
Give a little more

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can't get enough
I'm hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah

You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, so hot, sticky sweet
From my head, my head to my feet
To my feet
Do you take sugar, one lump or two?

Take a bottle, take a bottle
Shake it up, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up
Break it up

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c'mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can't get enough
Pour some sugar on me, oh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, get it, come get it
Pour your sugar on me, ooh
Pour some sugar on me, yeah
Sugar me

6mths?

so tonight wesley and i get on the topic of how he spoils me and he mentioned the one mth anniversary gift...which was

white gold earings with diamond chips....

yeah... i know. whoah right?

sohe metioned that tonight and i said "oh yeah i was blown away by that....i stilltalk to my freinds about that" and he says....

"wait till you see what i have planned fer a 6 mth gift. i've been planning this fer about a mth now"

THERE IS A SUCH THING AS A SIX MTH ANNIVERSARY???? OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT OH FUCK!

LOL wait....

A MOTNH?????

i can hardly wait to see what he has planned up his sleeve....

i know what i am gonna do tho....

i am gonna find sumn posh place fer dinner. yup. and i will buy him..ummm..... what does a gal get her bf???

damn i mena i know piddly things, like movies and books but epic romantic gifts...not so much

oh oh i know i know

wesley doesnt drink alchohol at all. but he tried this caramilk cooler stuff and liked it. so we joked about a special occasion it wldnt be champagne or sum wine no it wld be caramilk cooler...

so.... sunday the 14th afternoon i will have his gift with a caramilk cooler besdie it to celebrate.... but what gift....

gotta be romantic....

and sweet...

he loves music...

im sorry allan i know i did this to u but in my defenseso has every other girfriend out there...

a mix cd....

laying beside a caramilk cooler

with a card

that invites to a dinner at a not posh but a fave place

and a movie followed by on of those x rated certificates i have fer sex :-) ook so that last on isnt romantic but the rest kinda is....

then if he has plans my gift is still ok cus its cards and we can go anothe rnigth if he has plans :)

i will wine and dine him...altho i will be vodka cooler and dineing him :)

i will even wear my lil black dress fer him :)

i think that will work

altho i wonder what he has up his sleeve

seriously tho 6mths...wow already. and we celebrate that? man have my old bf's chraped out on me and missed 6 mths...damn u old bf's.... lol.

man, i love u wesley...

oh oh oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he said i love u back tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D good stuff :-)

LATE! LATE FER AN IMPORTANT DATE, PERIOD!

six.....days.... late...

fuck....you.....period......

u cam on the sixth day

i am extatic but also seriiusly pissed off cus i didnt miss and fucking pilsl this mth and u were late...by six fuxking days

what the hell do i do now. wait till ur dun the start over? if u arent dun take em a usual

and why the fuck were u late?

i tooka prego test just in case\el negativo

thank gawd

man that was scary. i mean i am ready to have a kid, if one opos along. i dunno if welsey is tho is the problem and i wld rather wait till we were both outta school but no big deal if one kid comes along means i postpone school...

but yeah..\six fuxking days late

fuck u period... u seriously mind fucked me and my boyfreind....

so happy to be bleeding tho...\six days... wtf

THEME SONG

DEar wesley... gimme a kis to build a dream on. gimme a few words to buld a dream on. i am waitinf for you my hansum wesley to say those words, tak me in ur arms tell me u love me and take me "home"

i will ake a kiss for now tho

altho im terrified u will hurt me, terrified i have yet again given my herat and soul to sumbody.... who will just hurt me in the end...

KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON: LOUIS ARMSTRONG

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I'm alone with my fancies, I'll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they're true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I'm alone with my fancies, I'll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they're true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

blargh!

Wesley and i talked again the othernight.....said he is reluctant to admit he is in love... or sumthing liek that. cus we got tallking bout feelings and i metioned how i know love is xpressed in many ways but that...to date i have heard him say the wsords back to me twice, and another time he said he knew he loved me cus he wld miss me when i was gone...

i am trying to be patient. i undestand he has only ever had one other relationship which was 9 mths and he wa sliek 18 or 19 or 20 and i have been married so fer nce im the one with more experience

but

i just keep thinking im putting my heart out there and ....

i just ....

i am terrified i willend up hurt. that i will love sumbody and .... they dont love me back. like frank eventually did. he just ended up loveing his addiction and his fantasies of children more then me...

and withallan....

he has a new woman now..and told me he doesnt think he could do poly again...

wonderful...so now he is goign to give her...everyhting i left him for... all my rreasons.... we cus of the poly and the hurts of poly and the feeling that poly wasnt goignt o work and it was all poly poly poly and now

now....

he says hemight not want poly...

so.... the man i gave my heart andsoul to..

that tooka year and a half to finally say no to...

tha i said yes to wesley to because wesley offered monogamy not poly....

is..

prob no longer poly....

and...now he tells her,

everything i everr wanted to hear...

and he is no longer any of the reasons i said no to... and...and

and the man i love, wesley....

tells me nothing...

dangles lil things in front of me which make me hope and wish and dream only to have to chide myself and try to pass off as jokes cus i dont know if he is joking or actually means them cus he never actually says anything...

and i am waitng on himm and i ....i had to wait on allan ina way cus of emily. we both had to wait for her. and then i left him and i said no to him...

and i am waiting again...

this time in wesley

and i dont know..

all i know is...

im in love, i am being patiet. not pushing...

but meanwhile my heat says...

ha ha look what u did....

ad i love wesley i do. i want to marry him i want t have a life with him

and and

fer fuck sakes we have been dateing alnost 6 mth and he lives across th hall and he and his dad were thiking of moveing and he never even bothered to tell me cus his dad said not to tell anybody but im his fucking girlfriend and so much of our tie is sedpent together cus helives across the hall and he doesnt even bother to tell me he is possible moveing and im his girlfirend of almost 6 mths... he deosnt even say i love u back and....

oh i dunno...

all i know is....

allan is now telllign her, everyting i ever dreamed of and the reasons i said no are no longer valid...

and the man i do love is eveything oi evr wanted and more but he doesnt say i love u back and he seems like i am waitingon him and its frusyttarting and im terrified i am just goignt o be hurt.

and i need no contact fromallan...

and i need contact with welsey....

fuck.....

wesley.... please.... im waiting..just...dont hurt me. and please wesley i waited on allan for 2 yrs and then sum.... only to have my heart crushed and i said no and now look al the reaosn i said no to are no longer valid and hes giveing ll idreeamed of to another and you...you wesley...i am her waiting for u wesley.... im waiting..again..

always waiting....

i want an equal.. i want to stop waiting....

please wesley..\can i just come home? im tired of being a stary waiting to find home....

whats is love? how do u know if u love sumbody, lust somebody, or just want companionship...

i think, i think it is when you cannot describe the bond. like freindship, but more. theres trust and a wholeness that comes with being in that persons presence. a sense of lust as well as friendship. the feeling you would do almost anythign for that person and u know they would do the same...

the feeling you can be you and they can be them wthout fear. theres nuttin u can say or do that wld make em stop loveing u and vice versa...

theres a feeling of belonging, you belong in their arms and they belong in yours.

it is home.

have i found home again?

we chatted about my divorce the other day. i toldhim frank got everything when i left...

2 mths of expenses (rent, utils etc), both cars, the apartment, eveything in the apt except a bed a couch a chair a computer and my aquarium.... when i told wesley that frank even go the engagement ring (valued at at least 700$) he said

"don't worry abbe, i will get u an even bettter ring"

then i joked saying "oh i know what kind u will get me too" and we both said at the same time while giggeling.. "a cracker jack box ring"

i joked but inwardly i was thinking" dont take his joke to heart. dont overthingk it. but damn i wld die of joy if he were to get me a ring!"

today we sumhow got on the topic of weddings and honeymoons...

we both agreed we wkd like a vegas honeymoon. and talked bout what we would liek to do. of course we were care to say "i would lik" and "when the time comes with whomever i marry" and a cpl times he or i let the words "we" sleip but... it was kind cool.

i said i told myself a while b4 i met him if iw ere to get married again that i panned to go all out. get the dress i want the venue me and my fiance want and everything. told him last time i cheaped out cus i was being finacially responsible but this time i wld gladle go into a lil debt to do what me and my fiance want... cus in the edn u get what ui pay for and it it worth it. he agreed, said the same thing..

we chatted about renting tuxes and dresses vs buying em and how we both liek the idea of renting after al i have bought the dress b4 and it was just ib my closet and theres no gtees if i had a gorl she wld want it and styles change so... rent a dress and as for tuxes when else wld a man wear a tux....

we were both on the same page. and talked without fear.....

it was the first time ina long time i felt he had an adult conversation about his furture and that i felt i coudl share wothout him getting scared off....

it felt amazing.

neither one of us said we wanted t marry the other.... but.....i do. i just am not saying it...

So, i am really proud of myself. after month and half at my new job I FINALLY take a step and get to know a gal who comes in the night shift. heard her talkingbout sum online comics i read too. we chatted, she is a geek like me. a game geek. and even playes rpgs!!!!!

i was so exited when she invited me to try her larp (live action role play) mage the awakening (er sumthing) at her place sunday afternoons.

i had only ever heard of larp from allen and emily and i knew they werent involved in it again..so i said sure ...and i said i wld try to make it..and then she invites me to the grouoand i am all super fuckign excited and...

theres allan.

he is a fucking member of the facebook group.

maybe he doesnt larp at her place. ia sked, explaiend i have asked no contact w/ an ex and wanted to knwothe names of pplw ho alrped at her place if possible so i wouldnt bump into him... and that othign dangerous or bad just...we want no contact....

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

i wnana meet new ppl. i wanna larp. fer fucks sake... this city is too fuckign small!

hi-ho

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -Buddha

i think the same goes for any hurt, or pain, fear, or any other negative emotion .

I havent been sleeping.... and tonight i broke down and cried. after what my freind int he hospital told me, i wonder if i ever really know people and cus of that... wonder if i really know wesley.

tonight i laid in his arms, as he said he wished he could give me answers (still doesnt know what my freind told me) and i confided i was scared i didnt know him.... that afer what my freind told me i wondered if i knew anybody....

and after talkignto him i feel better.

doesnt matter if i knew other people... i trust wesley and i know him...

bible study...me?

The gals have decided to do a bible study. just us four. i amd the first one to lead. ok so i am not the best personto lead a bible study. i have sex outside of marriage, i was involved ina poly realtionship, i walked away from god (and walked back) i dont read the bible enuff i dont pray enuff i dont go to church enuff. i dont preach to my freinds or family.

but i am honest. i do talk about my faith when asked. i try to live how i think god wants me to liveand not how other SAY god wants me to live. i beleive in freindship evangelism, people who are seeking wills ee ur faith and ask thn u can tell. i HATE people who trill to drill the word into poeple who dont wanna hear it and call people down then say it si love.

to paraphrase a movie when they want it, they will come. u dont need to beat thump it into their heads.

i'm an honest person, i suck as a christian..but i beleive... and i try...and i seeek to improove myslef. i beleive in the father, the sdon, and the holy spirit. i beleive jesus dies for our sins and rose again to heaven and will come back again one day. i beleive jesus was born of the virgin mary thru the holy spirit.

thats it. thats all there is. everyhting else is doctorine bullshit. if u beleive these things, accept jesus in your heart. you r good to go. the rest comes with time and is iceing on the cake.

so yeah, leading a bible study.... me.

leading

a

bible

study,

how fucked up is that. i know what i just said above,. but for sum reason i beat myself up and hold me to a post and self judge and self beat up. i dont think i'm worthy, but then again none of us are. butt hats not what i mean i mean, i'm not eveen worth enuff to be leading a bible study....

but i will. and i dunno, i just....

i'm a terrible christian, but i love my gog and i try noit to be ahypocrite and i love everybody equally and i dont hold ppl accountable for their bullshit thats not my job. my job, is to love anfd accept as jesus did. the rest, jesus will do. i just love and accept.

sometime i love and accept too much LOL ;p

by the way. no sex last night. fooled around but no sex. very porud of mylsef.

still reeeling from wesleys words, i told him how much they meant.

i love him and he loves me....*sigh* lifeis good.

i think about allan less and less now. stioll feel the same for him, but, i think of him less and less.

i am no longer thinking about how much or how little wesley is liek allan. i no longer miss things allan did that wesley doesnt do. i just...i have accepted. and i think of allan less now. i stillf eel the same, but, i am moveing on and forward.... still dotn trust him or me as far as i can spit tho so no contact. he and emily still ahve a fucked up thing going on with their lack of a rewaltionship that i woudl ineveitable get inthe iddle of cus i love both my freinds , so still no contact. i stillt hink they can work this out and it is fooloshness what theya re doing and wanna bitchslap sense into them. so still, no contact. still pissed off emily gave allan 2 yrs to fix the reationship and allan gave emily 3mths.... so still no contact. -

HE SAID THEM!

"i know that i love you now, because i would miss youif you were gone"

*sigh* wesley FIBALLY said those words last night...and my heart soars. there. this feels amazing :-) he knows he loves me and i love him. \and all this came about cus i talked bout my fears of getting prego lol

todays theme song

CARELESS WHISPER

SEETHER (GEORGE MICHAEL/WHAM COVER)

VIDEO HERE

LYRICS:

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
There's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

I feel so unsure

As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
As the music dies, something in your eyes
Calls to mind a silver screen and all those sad goodbyes

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose the crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay

I'm never gonna dance again
Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you

"your hair looks nice, you look like abeautiful woman"

*sigh* it is comments like that which make me smile. wesley may not be as suave as allan, and the compliments are not as often as i wish...but they are pure and honest and sweet and i love em.

speaking of love, think i may have fallen too fast for welsey. gotta slow it down. tone it down. so i'm gonna do my damdest to keep down on the sex, heaven sakes i know i love the man but he doesnt know if he loves me and last thing i need is to be haveing sex with sumbody who doesnt know if they love me. \altho, i'm only his second girlfreind and he is saying things liek "when i think about u and me i think about us as one now not you and then me" which is encourageing. i just know that the side effect of sex can be pregnancy even with condoms and the pill sooooo i'd rather not get prego yet if he doesnt know if he loves me so...tone down sex. nott hat i wasnt a baby now, thats not what i mean all ai mean is if pregancy can happen to the best of use using the pill and condoms well... best to be safe as i wld rather that IF that lil side effect happens as an unexpected surprise thatit happens whilst we r in love and not whilst he is figureing out love

just to make it clear tho, i dont want kids right now... a few yrs from now sure...not now. lol

btw, still upset over what my freind in the hospital told me. still cant blog about it. still upset yho and asking a lotof confusing questions.....